Thirty Minutes over Tokyo

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 23. First aired May 16, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← They Saved Lisa's Brain Beyond Blunderdome → The whole episode as text

From “Thirty Minutes over Tokyo”: “including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know.” — including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know.

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About the episode

After Snake empties the Simpsons' bank account from a cyber café, the family grabs cheap last-minute seats on a flight that turns out to be bound for Tokyo. Homer is jailed for flinging the emperor at a sumo match, and when their last yen flutters off as an origami crane, the family competes on Wink's painful game show to win tickets home.

Written by: Donick Cary and Dan Greaney
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Gedde Watanabe as Father; Denice Kumagai as Mother; Gedde Watanabe as Waiter; George Takei as Wink
Chalkboard gag: I'm so very tired
Couch gag: Shredder
Production code: AABF20

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

353 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:40 Oh,
0:59 my God.
0:59 Eep, eep, eep.
1:25 Hey, why didn't you tell me the new issue of Weird was here?
1:29 I love their hilarious send-ups of hit movies.
1:32 Dad, it's not... Gigabytes!
1:34 They've done it again.
1:36 Gigabytes. Wait, this isn't weird.
1:39 Why, there's no magazine called Weird, is there?
1:42 This is wired.
1:44 It's about computers and technology.
1:48 Hey, look, there's a cyber cafe opening right here in Springfield.
1:51 Will you take me, Dad, please?
1:53 I'll show you how to order pizza over the Internet.
1:55 The Internet?
1:56 Is that thing still around? I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
2:00 Bart, the Internet is more than a global pornography network.
2:03 It's a... Come on, Lisa!
2:05 Monkeys!
2:07 Oh...
2:12 Let's see what's been captured on the up-gilt camera.
2:18 Eww, this last needs a bit of groundskeeping.
2:22 Ah, that's Willie!
2:24 My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy, and willing to settle for less.
2:30 Wow, this Mary's got the whole package.
2:34 Wow, Dad, you're surfing like a pro.
2:37 Oh, yeah.
2:37 I'm betting on High Lie in the Cayman Islands.
2:40 I invested in something called News Corp.
2:43 Dad, that's Fox!
2:44 Ah! Undo! Undo!
2:46 Dad, do we have any money left? Well, let's check the old bank account.
2:51 See? Even after all my cyber squandering, we've still got $1,200.
2:57 All right, dorks. This is a hold-up.
3:00 Oh, yes.
3:02 Download to Papa.
3:06 Yoink.audios.
3:08 Backslash losers.
3:10 Oh.
3:11 We were robbed?
3:13 You seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person.
3:18 We were saving that money for our family vacation.
3:20 Now we're gonna have to start all over again.
3:24 Oh.
3:24 Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.
3:27 I'll get us the money, even if I have to get a second job.
3:39 Evening, neighbor. Low on funds again?
3:41 Yes, sir.
3:43 Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you got a bill to pay.
3:47 I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
3:50 It's just that you and Maude lived like royalty in your fancy castle while I got Marge
3:55 trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.
3:58 Oh, we're not as well off as you think.
4:00 We'd give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets.
4:03 And the Leftorium's business has gone way downhill since Leftopolis moved in next door.
4:08 Well, if you're not rich, then how come you have a new refrigerator,
4:11 an electric can opener, a milkshake machine?
4:13 Oh, we picked those up cheap. They were evidence in a murder trial.
4:17 Sweet. We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega Savings Seminar.
4:21 Go on. He taught us how to live a Burt Reynolds lifestyle on a Mac Davis income.
4:26 We've already got tickets for his next seminar.
4:28 I think you'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing.
4:31 Maybe you're right, Ned.
4:34 Maybe you're right.
4:44 Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life?
4:47 family vacations, jet packs, solid gold dancers.
4:51 There's only three left in the world.
4:53 Well, stick around,
4:54 because I'm gonna tell you the 12 saving secrets Wall Street won't tell you.
4:59 Then I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway,
5:03 including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know.
5:08 Oh, here we go with the fat cat bashing.
5:11 Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure Baltic Avenue.
5:16 Uh-oh, I'm late for the short-line railroad.
5:22 Let's start with mega-secret number one.
5:24 You gotta squeeze every penny. You see this tux?
5:28 I got it cheap, cause Roy Cohn died in it.
5:31 That fancy yacht? A bargain, cause it smells like cat pee.
5:37 And those beautiful women? They used to be men.
5:41 The point is, you gotta squeeze every penny.
5:45 Come on, let me hear you. Squeeze every penny!
5:48 Squeeze every penny!
5:50 I'm squeezing.
5:51 I'm squeezing it.
5:54 Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.
5:58 Oh, Homer, not again.
6:03 Ew, we're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99 cent store?
6:07 Well, maybe for your wedding.
6:10 How about here? Not if we want that vacation.
6:19 Look, Mom, they have your dress.
6:22 Oh, 33 cents.
6:24 I paid almost double that.
6:27 Whoa.
6:29 Wow, this plankton's only 33 cents. Um,
6:32 according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.
6:37 Sure, by their standards. But we live in America.
6:43 This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.
6:47 But it's so cheap.
6:51 Well, let's see what's in the old vacation fund.
6:55 Homer, you could have just unscrewed the bottom.
6:58 A little late for could-haves, Marge.
7:00 I don't think there's enough here for a vacation.
7:02 There is for a mega-savings vacation.
7:05 Chuck Garabedian says you can fly mega cheap if you don't care where you go.
7:10 That's right.
7:11 Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows.
7:14 Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price.
7:16 Are you going through our garbage?
7:18 That's right. You fat cats didn't finish your plankton.
7:22 Now it's mine.
7:28 Hawaii, here we come.
7:30 No, no, we're going to Paris. I can feel it.
7:33 Come on, Transylvania. No, man, let's go home to Jamaica.
7:37 I and I been in Babylon too long.
7:40 Attention.
7:41 Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure and has four available Mega Saver seats.
7:46 Yeah! Come on, Homer! Japan!
7:49 No, no Japan! Jamaica!
7:51 I want to pass the dutchie on the left-hand side!
7:54 Never mind.
7:55 Looks like the Flanders are going to get those seats anyway.
7:59 Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh?
8:03 Come on!
8:09 Sayonara, suckers!
8:12 Yay!
8:13 The Simpsons are going to Japan!
8:17 Hey, watch the gong, jerk.
8:26 Come on, Homer. Japan will be fun.
8:29 You like Russia, Mom?
8:31 That's not a joke. I don't know how I remember it.
8:33 Besides, if we want to see Japanese people, we could have gone to the zoo.
8:36 Homer!
8:37 What?
8:38 The guy who washed the elephant is Japanese.
8:41 His name is Takashi.
8:42 He's in my book club.
8:44 Look, Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku.
8:48 Fasten seat belts tight.
8:49 Your seat cushions float gently.
8:52 Headsets $5.
8:58 Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.
9:02 You're the waitress.
9:05 Start it back home! Start it back home!
9:08 Oh, I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
9:13 Yeah, isn't it amazing?
9:15 They're filming one right now in the bathroom.
9:17 Gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
9:20 Toga!
9:22 Toga! 2000!
9:24 Marge, they stole my idea!
9:28 Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.
9:38 Here's our room.
9:40 Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open.
9:44 I don't have time for that.
9:49 Welcome.
9:50 I am honored to accept your waste.
9:57 They're years ahead of us.
10:00 Mom, Lise, check it out. Dad's on TV.
10:05 Oh, yeah.
10:11 It's breathtaking.
10:13 Look, there's the Imperial Gardens, the Mei-G Shrine,
10:17 the Hello Kitty Factory.
10:24 Who's up for some exploring?
10:26 I'm still checking out Japanese TV.
10:28 Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures?
10:37 Barn, what are you doing?
10:39 Hey, what the...
10:43 All right.
10:47 Robots, be right back.
10:50 All that season made me hungry. Me too. Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house.
10:55 The toilet recommended a place called America Town.
10:58 Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at America Town.
11:02 I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich.
11:05 I bet it's smaller and more efficient.
11:08 We now return to Battling Seizure Robots.
11:23 I can't believe they stuck us at Taxachusetts.
11:27 Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
11:30 And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.
11:35 Howdy, gangsters!
11:36 I am average American jewel salaryman waiter.
11:40 These prices suck.
11:41 10,000 yen for coleslaw? Don't you serve anything that's even remotely Japanese?
11:47 Don't ask me. I don't know anything.
11:49 I am product of American education system.
11:52 I also build poor quality cars and inferior style electronics.
11:57 Oh, they got our number.
12:02 One square watermelon, please.
12:06 Oh, my goodness, Homer, those are $150.
12:09 It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with brown fruit.
12:14 Don't!
12:15 Maybe we should just head back to the hotel.
12:18 But you promised me we'd do something Japanese.
12:20 Oh, of course, you're right.
12:23 You know, I read about a Shinto tea house where they practiced the traditional lo...
12:28 Run, Bart!
12:30 Hey, look, isn't that Woody Allen?
12:32 Hmm, looks like he's doing a commercial.
12:36 Oh, hello.
12:37 So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal,
12:40 but only Fujikawa rice crackers make your interiors go bananas.
12:44 What did I do to deserve this?
12:47 Oh, right.
12:55 Mmm, $50 pretzel.
12:58 Hey, what's baby Huey doing?
13:00 Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.
13:03 Hmm.
13:05 Bear some salt, Tubby? Tubby?
13:07 Ano nae wa kokoro ga kizutsuku yo.
13:09 Washi ga futottel no wa umari tsuki nanda.
13:12 Taberu no?
13:13 Yoink. Hey, that's mine!
13:17 Yaaagh!
13:19 Like we say in my country, hasta la vista, baby.
13:23 Congratulations.
13:24 I am the emperor.
13:27 Yeah, and I'm Cloversaurus.
13:35 All hail Emperor Cloversaurus!
13:47 Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san.
13:50 Thank God.
13:52 We're gonna take another minute in this bell hole.
14:03 Now can we do something Japanese?
14:06 Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff.
14:08 In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 ronin,
14:13 and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori.
14:16 Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.
14:20 Satori no Himitsu Oshieru no?
14:22 Dame-o.
14:23 Are-wa-gakogu-jin-dar-o. Honey, I know you want to see Japan,
14:27 but we're down to our last million yen.
14:29 Don't worry, Ichiban.
14:32 I'll show you something Japanese.
14:36 Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.
14:40 It's a crane.
14:41 The Japanese believe they bring good luck.
14:44 Be careful. We need that money to get home.
14:48 No!
14:49 You motherfucker me!
14:54 Now, Mr. Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry.
14:58 The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like
15:04 this.
15:07 But, Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?
15:11 Beats me.
15:12 Try getting a job and earning some money.
15:14 That's what I did.
15:15 By the way, Ambassador's taken.
15:24 Every truckload of fish we got brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
15:30 And I think I finally found what I was put on this earth to do.
15:33 Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out.
15:37 Spare my life and I will grant you three will.
15:40 Knife goes in, guts come out. Yippee!
15:43 Time for the company loyalty song!
15:45 Knife goes in, guts'll come out. That's what Osaka Sifu Concern is all about.
15:53 This sucks. What else is on?
16:01 Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.
16:05 Tune in tomorrow when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on Happy Smile Super
16:10 Challenge Family Wish Show.
16:13 Family Wish Show? Hmm, that gives me an idea.
16:18 I think we all had that idea. I didn't. What is it?
16:22 Lunch?
16:29 Thank you, thank you. And welcome to our contestant from America,
16:34 the Simpson family.
16:35 You honor us. Don't patronize me. Now, Simpson family,
16:41 have you picked a wish?
16:43 Well, I haven't talked it over with the family,
16:45 but I think we'd all like a free dinner at America Town.
16:49 No, no, no! We want plane tickets home to Springfield.
16:55 Now, our game shows are a little different from yours.
16:59 Your shows reward knowledge.
17:02 We punish ignorance.
17:04 Ignor what?
17:07 Okay, let's begin.
17:09 Our categories are, Ow That Hurts, Why Are You Doing This To Me,
17:14 and Please Let Me Die.
17:17 Oh yeah, number one. Definitely a lot of things that hurt.
17:21 We'll go with Ow That Hurts, Skip. My name is Wink.
17:27 Yeesh!
17:32 All right, Simpsons.
17:34 Whack the piñata.
17:35 Come on!
17:36 Right that big open. No!
17:40 Whack it open.
17:41 No!
17:42 Good.
17:43 All right.
17:44 You may remove your blindfolds.
17:47 Oh, sorry, Dad.
17:49 We didn't know. I had an inkling. Could someone please whack my hernia back in?
17:53 Sure thing, Dad. Mr. Simpson,
17:55 we'll cut you down as soon as you answer one question about Japan.
18:01 Is the answer Japan?
18:03 Actually, it is.
18:07 That means you move on to the lightning round.
18:15 He seems okay, but he is being burned internally.
18:25 Hey, and that Homer on the Japanese channel?
18:28 If that's Homer, then who the hell's been putting beers on his tab?
18:33 So, woo-hoo!
18:35 Um, that boy ain't right.
18:40 Congratulations, Simpsons.
18:42 The airline tickets are yours.
18:44 All you have to do is to pick them up.
18:47 From inside that volcano... Why are you so cruel?
18:57 This vacation really blows.
18:59 Well, at least we're past the lightning round.
19:02 Hmm, I see.
19:04 I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.
19:11 Hmm, I don't think that bridge can support much weight.
19:16 Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than... Oh, I'll just go.
19:25 Bomb it! Bomb it! Bomb it! Bomb it! Bomb it!
19:30 Bomb it!
19:32 Yes!
19:33 Got him!
19:34 USA!
19:42 Lisa!
19:53 March! Just you!
19:57 Play tickets!
20:00 Oh, no!
20:01 Whoa!
20:04 Oh,
20:08 I'm afraid this might be the end.
20:10 Well, at least we'll die doing what we love.
20:12 Inhaling molten rock.
20:19 Ah!
20:20 It burns!
20:23 Don't worry.
20:25 That lava is just orangeade made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern.
20:31 It burns! It burns!
20:33 It's loaded with wasabi.
20:35 Kudos, Simpsons.
20:37 You have won your freedom.
20:43 Before I go, I want to say something. Game shows aren't about cruelty.
20:48 They're about greed and wonderful prizes like poorly built catamarans.
20:53 But somewhere along the line, you lost your way.
20:56 For shame.
21:00 Coming up next, a Canadian couple who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions.
21:08 Ooh, that stings, eh?
21:10 Ow!
21:11 Ooh, god!
21:12 Ah!
21:13 Ooh, ooh!
21:13 Sting those Canucks.
21:16 I love this show. Take that, you stupid hosers.
21:21 Goodbye, Japan.
21:22 I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling whale-free seas.
21:26 Hey, what's going on?
21:27 What's happening?
21:31 Folks, we're experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time,
21:35 so I'm going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on.
21:38 When we get to 35,000 feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out,
21:42 all we have to do is worry about Martha,
21:44 and we do have reports he's tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time.
21:48 Thank you very much.
22:39 Shh.
22:44 Ah! Undo! Undo!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Principal Skinner, Chief Wiggum, Ned Flanders, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Mr. Burns, Jasper Beardsley, Groundskeeper Willie, Reverend Lovejoy, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kirk Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Luann Van Houten, Bernice Hibbert, Snake, Comic Book Guy, Ruth Powers, Gareth Prince, Superintendent Chalmers, Lionel Hutz, Gloria Prince, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Cletus Spuckler, Troy McClure, Charlie, Brandine Spuckler, Ms. Albright, Abraham Lincoln, Kyle Williams, Arnie Pye, Elvis Presley, Neil Armstrong, Rodan, Woody Allen, Father, Gamera, Godzilla, Mother, Mothra, Statue of Liberty, Chuck Garabedian, Emperor Akihito, Jim Belushi, Kool-Aid Man, Mr. Monopoly, Osaka Seafood Concern Squid, Sakatumi, Waiter, Wink

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character