Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 6. First aired November 14, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) Eight Misbehavin' → The whole episode as text

From “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”: “Poo.” — Poo.

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About the episode

Homer skips Maggie's tea party to bowl with Lenny and Carl and rolls a perfect 300 game, becoming a short-lived celebrity who appears on The Springfield Squares and barges onto a Penn & Teller special. When the attention fades, a despairing Homer resolves to bond with his children and turns to Maggie, who rescues him from drowning at the beach and then bowls a perfect game of her own.

Written by: Al Jean
Directed by: Mike B. Anderson
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Ron Howard; Nancy O'Dell; Pat O'Brien; Penn Jillette; Teller
Chalkboard gag: I won't not use no double negative
Couch gag: Cement Family
Production code: BABF02

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

326 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
1:24 Snooze.
1:25 Need more snooze.
1:50 Num-num, Maggie.
1:52 Num-num. Did somebody say num-num?
1:56 I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try?
1:59 I'm 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggie.
2:03 Where's Waldo?
2:04 Nope.
2:06 It should be a lot easier without all these people.
2:08 Nope.
2:09 Nope. Is there...
2:11 Waldo, where are you?
2:19 And it is a nightmare out there on the freeways today with surface streets jammed and the
2:23 sidewalks filled with pushy New Yorkers.
2:26 Hey, how'd you like a details magazine up the wazoo?
2:31 Oh,
2:38 sure, it singled me out.
2:41 All right, smart guy, where's the fire?
2:43 Over there.
2:48 Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity.
2:53 All right, is that a 314? No, no, 314 is a dog, uh...
2:57 No, or is that a 315?
2:59 You're in trouble, pal.
3:05 I'd hate to see the look of ol' Burnsy's face if he knew I was just getting in.
3:09 Hmm,
3:14 who is that?
3:15 Big ugly nose...
3:18 Bald... Liver spot... Liver spot...
3:22 Hmm...
3:28 Turn around, Simpson.
3:30 No, I can't get in trouble if I can't see you.
3:33 I'm afraid he's got us, sir.
3:41 Safe in the core.
3:42 And now...
3:45 Don't forget the leg protector, sir. Ah, yes.
3:52 I knew I had those installed for a reason.
4:03 Oh, this is the worst day ever.
4:06 Hey, Homer, what gives?
4:07 Mr.
4:08 Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste.
4:11 Jeez, that's rough.
4:12 There must be two, three hundred gallons in here.
4:14 Yeah, and even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor.
4:17 Hey, you want to come bowling with us tonight?
4:19 Okay.
4:26 Hello? Homer? Where are you? You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie.
4:32 Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it.
4:35 A cooling tank just blew and they're taking Lenny to the hospital.
4:38 Oh, no, not Lenny.
4:41 Not Lenny!
4:42 Yes, I'm going to have to work late instead of seeing you and the kids,
4:46 which is what I really want. Okay, sure.
4:50 Kids, turn off the TV.
4:52 I have some bad news about Lenny.
4:56 Not Lenny!
4:58 Hey, Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
5:04 Poo.
5:05 Homer, what wacky name do you want? Are Poo and ass-taken?
5:09 Yeah.
5:09 Damn, could my life get any worse?
5:13 Simpson!
5:14 Even for a booler, you affect. Hey guys,
5:17 is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
5:20 Hmm, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
5:23 What a rotten date!
5:29 Wow, a strike!
5:30 Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
5:37 Oh, you're polishing bone!
5:45 Hey, Homer, that's four strikes in a row.
5:48 You got a perfect game going.
5:49 Really?
5:50 Careful what you say, Lenny. You jigs it.
5:52 Oh, right. Sorry.
5:55 Miss!
5:57 Sorry, I was calling the waitress.
5:59 Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
6:01 Lenny!
6:02 What?
6:03 I paid $710 for this split.
6:05 Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
6:07 Hey, spare me your gutter mouth. Ow!
6:10 Ow!
6:22 Practice ball, practice ball.
6:24 Real, real, real, real, real!
6:30 Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty Brand chew goo gum-like substance.
6:35 We know it contains spider eggs, but the Hantavirus, well, Well,
6:39 that really came out of left field.
6:42 So, if any of you have experienced numbness or comas,
6:45 send proof of purchase and $5 to Antidote, P.O.
6:50 Box 14.
6:51 This is Cat Brockman live from Barney's Volorama,
6:54 where local pinhead Homer Simpson is on the verge of a perfect game.
6:58 Hey, there was no accident at the plant.
7:00 Dad just wanted to go bowling.
7:03 He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved when he's okay.
7:08 This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield.
7:13 It proves just how pitiful this town is.
7:15 Yeah!
7:17 Morons.
7:18 Homer!
7:26 Woo-hoo!
7:27 I'm ten pints away from perfection!
7:31 Now listen, your father really needs to concentrate,
7:34 so we'll just stay here and not disturb him.
7:38 Why won't they come over?
7:40 I'm so lonely.
7:42 This is it, folks.
7:43 The ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic 290
7:47 -something.
7:57 What's wrong, Abe? This is as fast as I can move.
8:14 Get down, get down.
8:39 Woohoo!
8:40 This is the greatest day of my life!
8:50 You did it, homie!
8:53 In your face, to-do list. Homer!
8:57 Homer! Thank you!
8:58 Thank you!
8:59 But there was someone else with me on that alley.
9:01 I'm talking about the big man
9:05 Oh, can't a chord, bonehead
9:11 Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson Mr.
9:17 Simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids, crack,
9:21 angel dust or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling
9:25 Thank you, Farts Teacher
9:29 You know, kids, my teacher said I would never amount to anything.
9:33 And until last week, they were dead right.
9:36 But now I've achieved perfection.
9:41 Hmm.
9:44 Any questions?
9:45 Yes, Bart's weird friend. Will you be my dad?
9:49 You've got a father. He's just a dud.
9:52 Next question.
9:52 Yes, the girl Bart has a crush on.
9:55 Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?
9:58 Hey, this was supposed to be about me.
10:00 Now, any other questions?
10:02 Pumpkin face?
10:03 Headgear?
10:04 Chicken pox? Smelly?
10:05 Lazy eye? Spiky head?
10:08 Okay, class dismissed.
10:10 Rock on!
10:12 Hooray!
10:13 Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?
10:15 Live from Shelbyville, it's the Springfield Squares!
10:18 Featuring our new center square, Homer Perfect Game Simpsons!
10:24 Hey, I run.
10:27 There's a stairway, dumbass.
10:30 Okay, we'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stew.
10:34 Disco Stew's gonna groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe.
10:38 Stew, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe.
10:41 I can dig it.
10:42 Hit me with the center square.
10:44 Uh, Homer?
10:46 Yes, Kent?
10:47 According to Red Book Magazine, what is the speed of light?
10:51 Well, that... Wait, do I read from the sheet label jokes or answers?
10:56 Go for the... Stop tape! Make me center square, Kent.
11:00 I'm ready. I can handle it. Dream on, drunkie.
11:03 Oh, that's it. You're going down.
11:07 Stop it, you two. You're making Scratchy cry.
11:10 We've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.
11:13 Flavor of the month? Me?
11:15 Yeah, Homer, you can't just ride one accomplishment forever.
11:19 Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?
11:22 Oh, because you weren't cute anymore?
11:25 I'll agree.
11:26 Circle gets the square. Good night, everyone.
11:33 Now, before my partner Teller hits the shark-infested water,
11:37 I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow.
11:40 I only need one.
11:45 Now, to save my partner's life, I'll need complete...
11:48 Hello, everybody. Did somebody say a perfect game?
11:53 You idiot.
11:54 You'll ruin everything.
11:55 I'm doing a walk-on. It's a show business thing.
11:59 So, how y'all doing? Let's see. What's in the news today?
12:03 Will you shut up? Hey, I thought you never talked.
12:06 Uh, I didn't mean to. It just slipped out.
12:09 Oh, God. Now Penn's gonna beat me.
12:12 Folks, it's all part of the act. No, it isn't.
12:15 Don't leave me alone with him. You've ruined the act.
12:18 I'm gonna kill you. He'll do it. I'm not the first teller.
12:21 Remember, Springfield, keep on swinging.
12:24 Hey, come here. I just want to talk to you.
12:26 Come here. Come here.
12:27 Ooh, ooh, guys.
12:31 Remember, in the whole world, there's nobody like you.
12:35 You're special.
12:37 Oh, special?
12:40 That's right.
12:41 You are.
12:43 Hey, everybody.
12:44 I'm going to be on TV again.
12:50 That's right. You've got a special daddy.
12:54 Burt Reynolds apologized to the Pope and promised to replace the windshield.
12:58 Burt Reynolds class act. Well, now for our weekly segment, Yesterday's News,
13:02 featuring Homer Simpson.
13:04 Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone?
13:07 I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.
13:11 Woo-hoo!
13:12 First up, Mott Flanders! Homer!
13:15 But she said I... Dad,
13:16 what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun and now it's time for you to
13:20 gracefully step aside.
13:22 Lisa, I know what's going on here.
13:24 They did it to Jesus and now they're doing it to me.
13:28 Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
13:30 Well, in bowling ability.
13:34 Sweet bowling alley balloon, you're my only friend.
13:43 What was that about? Marge, my life peaked.
13:47 Oh, Homie, is that what's bothering you?
13:51 Mm-hmm.
13:52 Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner.
13:57 You're right!
13:58 I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten.
14:03 Jeez, Homer, I never seen you so depressed.
14:06 As your life partner, I'm very worried.
14:08 Save your tears, Moe.
14:10 Save them in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope.
14:15 A shred of what? I'm sorry, I was counting the cocktail radishes.
14:19 Now where was I?
14:21 Two, three... Three radishes.
14:24 Three big radishes.
14:27 This is the end.
14:31 Beautiful friend.
14:37 This is the end.
14:40 My only friend, the end
14:45 Weird scenes inside the gold mine
15:02 Well, world, this is it.
15:04 You know, I always thought you'd die before me.
15:07 Now as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking...
15:11 Yeah, less chat and more splat, pal.
15:21 Hey, Mr. S, I didn't know you budget.
15:24 I wanna live!
15:26 No, no, you're too heavy! It's a glandular problem!
15:35 Horlacht!
15:36 Chuds!
15:37 Move, people!
15:38 There is no escape from the fortress of the moles.
15:43 No, except that.
15:45 Ow!
15:48 Oh, Lord. You saved me. I guess you had some higher purpose in mind.
15:54 Hey! Look out!
15:56 Oh, dumbass. You trying to get yourself killed?
15:59 Not anymore, Ron.
16:00 Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to.
16:03 Something noble, but easy. Daddy, stop talking to that bomb.
16:07 Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer, but I'm taking my kids to the zoo.
16:11 That's great. Even big stars take their kids to the zoo.
16:15 Well, it's a different zoo, containing animals you've never heard of.
16:19 Daddy, we're missing the phantastopotamus.
16:22 She only sings twice a day.
16:24 That's it!
16:25 Kids are the answer.
16:27 I'll dedicate my life to my children. Really?
16:31 You have children?
16:33 Oh, well, look, here's some money.
16:35 No, I don't want your pity or your money.
16:39 Usually when you say that, you give the money back.
16:43 I do what now? Yoink.
16:45 Listen, boy, I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.
16:50 No need, Dad.
16:51 Over the years, I've learned to find father figures wherever I can.
16:54 Construction workers, the Internet, and Nelson here.
16:56 If you tie a string around your finger real tight, you can make it turn purple.
17:02 I can see I'm not needed here.
17:05 Lisa, honey, do you need any help with your homework?
17:09 Sure. You can help me find three words where Y is the vowel.
17:16 I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson.
17:22 Maggie, it's me, Daddy.
17:25 Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you.
17:28 Yes, he is.
17:37 Where's Maggie?
17:41 Hey, where is she?
17:43 There you are.
17:46 Hi, Maggie.
17:48 I'm Homey-Womey the Teletubby.
17:50 And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.
17:52 Let's see what's on tummy vision.
18:00 Wee!
18:03 Don't be scared, Maggie.
18:04 And he won't drop you.
18:17 You're a tough cookie, Maggie. But I'm gonna win you over.
18:20 Just like I did with Lisa.
18:22 Hi, honey!
18:28 Okay, dads.
18:29 This is where your child's trust in you really pays off.
18:34 Come on, Maggie.
18:36 You can trust me.
18:39 Come to Tengi!
18:46 I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.
18:54 What are you pointing at?
18:57 The ocean?
18:59 That's a great idea. We'll swim in the ocean.
19:05 See, Maggie?
19:06 The ocean is just like a bathtub.
19:09 Except instead of rubber duckies, it has barracudas and moray eels.
19:18 Nothing to worry about, just a little wave.
19:21 And this riptide is certainly nothing Daddy can't struggle against.
19:25 Help! Help! Somebody help!
19:27 Oh, turn!
19:29 Too strong!
19:30 I know. If I sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.
19:45 Maggie, call Aquaman!
20:12 Maggie, you're swimming.
20:13 You swim out to save me.
20:18 Oh, you do love me.
20:26 Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine.
20:28 Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.
20:32 Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.
20:35 I don't want to pry into your personal life.
20:37 Then don't. Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning?
20:42 Oh, it's quite simple.
20:44 When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength.
20:48 Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me.
20:52 Oh, and we're gonna spend a lot more time together from now on.
21:08 Good girl, Maggie.
21:10 You knocked down all the pins.
21:12 But you stepped over the line just a little bit, so I'll have to give you a five.
21:17 And that gives you a final score of 295.
21:21 Looks like Daddy won, but 295 is awfully good for a baby.
21:27 Yes, it is. It's very good and you're a good little baby.
21:31 Yes, you are.
22:26 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Milhouse Van Houten, Krusty the Clown, Principal Skinner, Chief Wiggum, Grampa Simpson, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Mr. Burns, Otto Mann, Kent Brockman, Martin Prince, Groundskeeper Willie, Ralph Wiggum, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Hans Moleman, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Snake, Dolph Starbeam, Ruth Powers, Sophie Jensen, Buck-toothed boy, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Sarah Wiggum, Buck-toothed girl, Cletus Spuckler, Herman Hermann, Boy with shades, Bumblebee Man, Rainier Wolfcastle, Smug Girl, Princess Kashmir, Sherri and Terri, Disco Stu, Lurleen Lumpkin, Capital City Goofball, Ron Howard, Nancy O'Dell, Pat O'Brien, Penn Jillette, Teller

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character