E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 5. First aired November 7, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Treehouse of Horror X Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder → The whole episode as text

From “E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)”: “I challenge you to a duel.” — I challenge you to a duel.

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About the episode

After a Zorro movie, Homer starts slapping people with a glove to bully them into giving him what he wants, until a Southern colonel accepts his challenge to a duel. Fleeing to Grampa's old farm, Homer dusts his crops with plutonium and grows tomacco, an addictive tomato-tobacco hybrid that draws a $150 million offer from Laramie Cigarettes, which he rejects in hopes of billions.

Written by: Ian Maxtone-Graham
Directed by: Bob Anderson
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
Couch gag: Club
Production code: AABF19

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

360 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:59 ARGH!!!
1:33 Oh, my.
1:36 War is terrible.
1:43 Ah!
1:44 Buzz Cola, the taste you'll kill for. Available in the lobby!
1:49 Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda?
1:53 I have to go to the lobby.
1:55 I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the milk duds.
1:59 You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands either.
2:03 Touche!
2:06 To the top, please.
2:09 Swim, my pretties.
2:20 Ah, Sacrebleu! The deadly poke of Zorro!
2:27 What? N? What does N stand for?
2:30 No, no, it's a Z.
2:32 I am Zorro.
2:33 Z for Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne.
2:36 It's a history lesson come to life.
2:39 No, it isn't. It's totally inaccurate. But here come the ninjas.
2:47 What part of stop cutting my dress off, don't you understand?
2:52 S.P.? The Scarlet Pimpernel. We're just, uh, friends.
2:56 She's lying. Slice her head off. Your honor has been insulted.
3:00 This will not stand.
3:05 Oh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. You're pouring hot butter on my leg.
3:10 Shh, shh.
3:16 Sir, I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a duel.
3:23 Do you accept or are you a coward?
3:27 I am a coward!
3:33 You go, Zorro!
3:36 Aye, King Arthur.
3:37 Declare Zorro the new king of England.
3:40 Yes!
3:44 From the Z to the O to the double R-O, he's a dude in a mask from the barrio.
3:49 With his horse and his mask and his big old sword, he'll cut your butt from a 52 gourd.
3:56 Move it, Q-tip.
3:59 Why, that little insult to your honor.
4:02 Sir, I demand satisfaction.
4:05 Are you crazy, dude? I challenge you to a duel.
4:10 The dude is crazy. Will you duel or are you a coward?
4:14 Would a coward do this?
4:17 Bye!
4:22 My hero!
4:26 H is for Homer!
4:28 Thanks, Homer.
4:32 I told you not to drink all those frescas before we got in the car.
4:36 Mother, please.
4:37 You're embarrassing me. No, I'm not.
4:39 Seymour needs the toilet.
4:41 His bladder's full.
4:43 Full of urine. Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar, next to the heavyset guy.
4:47 Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean? Take it easy, take it easy.
4:51 I'm just saying, you ain't no Tommy Toon.
4:53 No Tommy Toon, eh? Oh, that's it. You insulted my honor.
4:57 You what now? I demand satisfaction.
5:00 I challenge you to a duel.
5:02 A duel?
5:03 Isn't that a little extreme?
5:05 Here, here, have a free beer.
5:07 Really?
5:08 But you've never given anyone a free beer.
5:10 Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no Dooling Glove before either.
5:14 Wow, a free beer. And I owe it all to a little Glove Slap.
5:20 Glove Slap, baby Glove Slap.
5:23 A Glove Slap to a little old place will get you the
5:29 satisfaction.
5:32 Glove Slap, baby.
5:38 Glove Slap, baby. Glove slap, glove slap,
5:43 I don't take crap.
5:45 Glove slap, shut your fake yap.
5:50 Coming through challenge to Ohio, the Hungarian, man's satisfaction.
5:54 Sir, your challenge is accepted.
5:57 Huh? I agree to the duel, sir.
5:59 I choose pistols at dawn. Pistols at dawn?
6:02 Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says, sir?
6:06 You'll need a will and a headstone.
6:08 Aisle six. Aisle six? Oh.
6:12 Dueling at dawn. How did it ever come to this?
6:15 The National Weather Service says dawn is still scheduled for 620 tomorrow and to please
6:20 stop calling. Oh, I bet that southern colonel doesn't even show up.
6:24 Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you.
6:27 Sir, that is an insult. I challenge you.
6:30 What?
6:30 Oh,
6:31 honey,
6:38 I had the worst nightmare.
6:39 This glove kept slapping people and I was getting blamed.
6:44 Sir, I'll say sir. The time has come.
6:48 No!
7:03 He's up there, isn't he? I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him.
7:10 Hey, I'm not dead yet.
7:12 Save me, Marge. I saved you. Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you?
7:16 Oh, Marge, that's in the past. Just let it go.
7:21 Sir, I'll say sir.
7:22 The hour's upon us, sir.
7:25 Hello.
7:26 My husband will be right with you. We're just taking this old Christmas tree to the dump.
7:31 Well, now,
7:31 I wouldn't be much of a southern gentleman if I didn't help you carry that tree.
7:35 No, no, no, no. You'll get sap on your dueling blouse.
7:39 Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, madam.
7:43 Well, it's worth a try. Don't you get...
7:44 We're fine, Colonel.
7:46 Good day.
7:50 Looks like you were saved by a Christmas tree.
7:53 And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April.
7:57 So, Glanders, you gotta help me.
7:59 Is there a southern couple parked in front of my house?
8:01 Ooh, yes indeedy, Homer. Looks like they're settling in for a long stay.
8:07 I was afraid of that.
8:08 Well, goodbye, my gentle neighbor.
8:11 You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much...
8:14 To continue talking, deposit ten cents. Ah, screw it.
8:19 We can't go back home. Where are we gonna live?
8:22 Ooh, how about that house? That has people living in it.
8:26 You can see them through the windows.
8:27 Lousy show-offs. Look, it's Jimmy Carter.
8:31 Could you build us a house, President Carter?
8:33 We can't go back two hours.
8:35 I'm sorry.
8:35 These are for the truly needy. Yeah, get your own habitat.
8:40 Come on, Carter. Build us a house, you lazy bum.
8:42 You have offended me, sir. I challenge you to come back here.
8:46 Why, you yellow-bellied?
8:49 Come on, move it. Where are we going, Dad?
8:53 How should I know? Why are you driving so fast?
8:56 As I'm trying to think.
8:58 What would Zorro do?
9:03 Zorro!
9:05 Zorro Route 9?
9:07 That's it!
9:08 We can hide out at the farm where I grew up.
9:11 You mean Grandpa's old farm? Yeah, it'll be fun.
9:14 Fresh country air, apples for the picking, sing-along hay rides.
9:18 What a dump.
9:22 Race you to the swimming hole!
9:27 Come on, Ma!
9:28 Bring the young'uns!
9:30 There's no legion!
9:31 Ow, ow, ow!
9:32 It's a snake, though!
9:35 Woo!
9:45 Holy moly! We can't stay here. It's full of raccoons.
9:49 Just think of them as cats with rabies.
9:52 Hello, kitty!
9:53 Ow!
9:55 Oh, yeah, you little scamp.
9:57 Are we really going to live here and grow crops?
10:00 Absolutely. This is our big chance.
10:02 The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed pumpkins.
10:06 I'll dig an outhouse. I'll weed the floor.
10:08 I'll repress the rage I'm feeling.
10:10 That's my girl. Let the agriculture begin.
10:14 All right, let's see what the old girl can do.
10:20 It doesn't sound very tractory. Hang on.
10:23 And there.
10:25 Now we're dunking!
10:29 Dad!
10:30 Go get Lassie! Lassie?
10:32 I mean Lisa.
10:37 Oh, you poor little sheep.
10:40 No one's sheared you for years.
10:43 Oh, I'm almost done, my little friend.
10:46 Soon you'll be a nice, cool rat!
10:55 Well, well,
10:56 look at the city slicker pulling up on his fancy German car This car was made in Guatemala
11:01 Well, pardon us, Mr.
11:04 Gucci loafers I bought these shoes from a hobo Well, la-dee-da, Mr.
11:08 Park Avenue manicure I'm sorry, I believe in good grooming
11:15 You're not going to grow nothing on the old Simpson place That's why your daddy abandoned
11:19 it Oh, what do you know? Well, I know your soil pH is up around 9.6,
11:23 and you need a 7 to 8 max. Oh, that's just superstition.
11:27 You watch me. I'll grow something out there.
11:30 Not if you're planting gummy bears.
11:32 Don't!
11:37 Wow, Dad, this is the juiciest watermelon I ever tasted.
11:40 Yeah, I hope I can grow something like that.
11:42 What are you planting?
11:43 Oh, a little bit of everything.
11:45 Something will thrive in this harsh, merciless soil.
11:48 And for those who face nature unafraid, it is they who...
11:53 I'm down.
11:55 Move the handbrake!
11:58 Oh, that's heaven.
12:02 It's been a month. Why won't anything grow?
12:05 Maybe it needs more fertilizer.
12:07 I'm only one man, Marge. Well, it's probably just a bad growing season.
12:12 Hot diggity. It's up to her eye.
12:14 Time to harvest, boys.
12:16 Nice work, Petunia.
12:19 There you go.
12:23 Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer.
12:26 Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey.
12:30 Leave me alone, you big bully.
12:32 Oh, I'm just razzing you. It's my way.
12:34 Here, have an ear on me.
12:39 More tumbleweed, Lisa?
12:41 No, thanks. I'm still finishing my thistles.
12:44 Dad, if we leave for town right now, we could catch the dinner special at Krusty Burger.
12:47 Sorry, boy.
12:48 Going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out.
12:51 Wasn't Skipping Town in the first place a coward's way out?
12:53 Oh, you're right.
12:56 I'm a coward.
12:57 I made such a mess of things.
13:01 If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow.
13:06 Wait a minute.
13:10 Plutonium?
13:11 Gee, Homer, isn't that kind of risky?
13:14 Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not.
13:18 Hey, Lenny, you sending some outgoing mail?
13:21 You know it. I'll probably send some tomorrow.
13:24 I hear that.
13:36 Easy.
13:38 Careful.
13:39 Steady.
13:48 Time to give Mother Nature a little goose.
13:51 Well, Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
13:55 It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
13:59 Of course not, but you know something?
14:02 Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
14:06 You got that from a movie poster.
14:08 Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
14:12 Where'd you get that?
14:13 From the producers of Waiting to Exhale.
14:16 Is that plutonium on your gums? Shut up and kiss me.
14:27 Wake up, honey.
14:29 It's time to harvest our radioactive supercrop.
14:32 But it's only been one night.
14:34 That's all it takes.
14:36 If we learned one thing from the amazing colossal man and grasshopperists,
14:40 it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big, real fast.
14:44 But didn't Grasshopper us kill Chad Everett?
14:47 Only because he tried to reason with him.
14:50 Brace yourselves, everybody.
14:52 You're about to see the hugest, juiciest,
14:55 possibly super-intelligent vegetables man has ever known.
14:59 You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time.
15:02 Ta-da!
15:07 All right, now don't panic. It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible.
15:16 Oh, where are you?
15:18 Honey, give it up.
15:20 Oh, you're right. This farm's hopeless. Why didn't I listen to those inbred hicks?
15:24 I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn.
15:27 Oh, no.
15:28 Let him go, Mom. Wait, Dad, you don't have to kill yourself.
15:31 This better be good.
15:33 Something is growing.
15:35 A sprout.
15:36 And there's some more. What is it? Carrots?
15:39 Peas?
15:40 Maybe it's okra. Who cares what it is? It's growing!
15:43 I've saved the farm!
15:54 Look at my babies.
15:56 This tomato will be Heinz ketchup,
15:59 and this tomato will be Hunt's ketchup.
16:06 Tastes like cigarette butts.
16:08 That's a lot. The outside looks like a tomato, but the inside is brown.
16:13 Maybe the tomato seeds cross-spread with the tobacco seeds.
16:16 Oh, great. I got a field full of mutants.
16:19 Gimme. I want more.
16:22 I thought you said it tasted terrible.
16:24 It does.
16:25 But it's smooth and mild.
16:28 And refreshingly addictive.
16:32 Addictive, eh?
16:35 Tomaco?
16:36 That's pretty clever, Dad. I mean for a product that's evil and deadly.
16:40 Oh, thanks, honey.
16:42 Well, I'm not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine,
16:45 but it is very nice to see Bart eating his vegetables.
16:52 Excuse me, Mr. Farmer Man.
16:54 I promised my son he could tip over his first cow and...
16:59 Tameco?
16:59 Yes, it's the latest craze.
17:02 Try some, won't you? Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat.
17:08 Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma.
17:14 Holy Moses, it does taste like Grandma. I want more.
17:17 Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a packer, just give it to me.
17:25 Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie?
17:28 Does it have tamaco in it? No, but I use only the fri...
17:31 Pass. I was here first. Come on, come on, people.
17:33 Don't push. There's plenty of tobacco for everyone.
17:36 Have your cash or food stamps ready. Don't forget your mincemeat pie.
17:41 You're scaring the customers, honey.
17:46 Hello, folks.
17:47 Would you and your family like to take a ride with us?
17:50 Okay.
17:52 Meet the Laramie cigarette team. This is Mindy, JP, and Emil.
17:57 Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle.
17:59 Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them.
18:03 Oh, dirty rotten. Tell me about it. But there's no law against selling kids to Maco.
18:08 That little M is worth a lot of money to us and to you.
18:12 How much?
18:12 Well, let's say $150 million.
18:17 $150 million! May I speak to my family for a moment?
18:22 Did you see the way Emil's looking at Mindy?
18:24 I think something's going on there. Shouldn't we be talking about the $150 million offer?
18:30 Oh, yeah, let's take it. Dad, it's a tobacco company.
18:33 They make billions off the suffering and deaths of others.
18:35 She's right, Dad. They can afford a lot more.
18:38 I want Lisa. Let's take them to the cleaners.
18:41 We all agree that 150 million is an insult.
18:44 The least we can accept is 150 billion!
18:52 They'll be back. We control the world's supply of tobacco,
18:55 and no one can take that away from...
18:59 They're beating our future! Get stuck!
19:01 Get out of it!
19:02 Bad animals!
19:03 Go home!
19:04 Thank God! There's one left!
19:08 Look!
19:11 A flying saucer!
19:15 There, there. We had quite a scare today.
19:18 But you're gonna make us millions.
19:21 Yes, you are. You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world.
19:24 You've gotta destroy this plant!
19:26 I know, honey, but what can I do as an individual?
19:29 I wouldn't know where to begin. Just burn that plant right now and end this madness.
19:34 I wish I could make a difference, Lisa, but I'm just one man.
19:38 I agree, but how?
19:46 They're after the tobacco.
19:52 Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive.
19:55 Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence that...
19:59 Come on, go!
20:08 Give them the plant, Homer.
20:10 No, I'd rather die.
20:13 Take it!
20:18 Well, what a lovely gift. Gotta run.
20:22 So, Mindy, how did you want to pay me the 150 million?
20:26 Cash will be okay. Hey, Stuck, did your company have Stuck?
20:31 Mindy?
20:32 Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan.
20:35 We'll talk Monday!
20:37 Hey, props to Mindy on the ground.
20:40 Booyah! Guys, we seem to be carrying a little extra weight.
20:44 Don't look at me. I'm on Sugar Busters.
20:55 I've never been so glad to be home.
20:58 I don't know why we ever left in the first place.
21:01 Five, six, seven, eight. I say eight,
21:06 nine, and ten.
21:10 What is that intoxicating aroma?
21:13 Could that be, I say, could that be mincemeat pie?
21:16 It certainly is. Why don't you put down your gun and have a slice?
21:20 Oh, don't mind if I do.
21:22 Hey, are we dueling or what? Where are my manners?
21:30 You okay, Dad?
21:31 I think so.
21:33 The bone stopped the bullet.
21:35 Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
21:38 After pie.
21:44 Gloves slap, such a big yap.
21:48 Gloves slap, baby, glove slap.
21:52 Whoa, baby, that's where it's at, yeah.
21:56 Gloves, baby, give it a slap.
22:06 Gloveslap, I don't take crap
22:10 Gloveslap, shut your face,
22:12 yeah A Gloveslap to a little old face will get
22:18 you satisfied Oh,
22:22 Gloveslap, baby Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Agnes Skinner, Snake, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Cletus Spuckler, Brandine Spuckler, Gil Gunderson, Jimmy Carter, Cassidy Spuckler, Dylan Spuckler, Elderly Clerk, Heather Spuckler, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Addem-up Spuckler, Anthony Hopkins, Cheech Marin, Cody Spuckler, James Earl Jones, Jordan Spuckler, Meryl Streep, Q-Bert Spuckler, Robert Evans, Tiffany Spuckler, Wesley Spuckler, Zoe Spuckler, Al Sneed, Charles Tamzarian, Emile, J.P., Sandy, The Southern Colonel

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character