The Mansion Family

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 12. First aired January 23, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “The Mansion Family”: “Let's see, I don't have a speech prepared But abracadabra” — Let's see, I don't have a speech prepared But abracadabra

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About the episode

When the death of Cornelius Chapman at an awards show hosted by Britney Spears makes Mr. Burns Springfield's oldest resident, Burns heads to the Mayo Clinic for a checkup and leaves Homer in charge of his mansion. Homer settles into the luxury and takes his friends on Burns's yacht into international waters to party beyond the reach of the law, until pirates seize the boat.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Mike Frank Polcino
Guest stars: Britney Spears
Chalkboard gag: Class clown is not a paid position
Couch gag: Inverted Age
Production code: BABF08

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

343 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 Thank you.
1:27 Hello, I'm Kent Brockman.
1:30 And I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
1:35 And I'm Kit Brackman.
1:38 With Britney Spears.
1:42 And we're here to present the... 65th...
1:45 Annual... Spring... Field... Pride Awards.
1:50 Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of...
1:54 The... Springfield Community.
1:57 This is my year, March. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great.
2:01 I don't know. There's a lot of buzz around Lenny.
2:05 Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend.
2:10 A man who brings laughter and joy to the children of Springfield.
2:15 With his big red nose and baggy pants. Krusty the Clown!
2:18 Hey, hey!
2:21 Who are you? Seat filler.
2:25 Uh...
2:33 Everyone gets an award but me.
2:36 I can't help it if I donated the most blood.
2:40 I'm feeling kind of rosy.
2:46 Why won't anyone give me an award?
2:49 You won a Grammy.
2:51 I mean an award that's worth winning.
3:04 You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture,
3:07 we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.
3:10 I told you!
3:11 Well, sorry.
3:14 And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for 108
3:20 years, our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.
3:25 Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield and introduced the toothbrush
3:30 to our fair city.
3:35 For years, he was Springfield's only basketball player,
3:38 but he still managed to entertain the crowd.
3:41 In the market crash of 1929, he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.
3:47 You're doing the right thing. Oh, oh, out you go.
3:50 My, you're a big one. No, no, no, turning back now.
3:54 Off a tall building, that's a great way to do it.
3:56 And in 1935, our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long.
4:05 And now, Springfield's oldest citizen, he is, like, totally venerable,
4:10 Cornelius Chapman.
4:17 Well, guess we should have expected that.
4:22 Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?
4:30 Over 80!
4:32 90!
4:35 100 years old?
4:39 Homer, sit down!
4:40 What's that, Sonny?
4:48 This is all so sudden.
4:51 Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow.
4:55 Boy, he didn't want to let go of that
5:00 Let's see, I don't have a speech prepared But abracadabra
5:06 Thank you all so much I love Springfield From the cuddliest
5:12 infant to the
5:15 Puppies, patriotism, bluebirds
5:19 I'm not reading this drivel The speech is over
5:27 Well, that was a great night for us all.
5:31 That's not an award. That's part of the set.
5:34 Nothing you can say will diminish dishonor.
5:42 Now that I'm the town's oldest man, I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore.
5:47 I have to start taking better care of myself.
5:50 You know, I haven't had a medicino checkup in ages.
5:52 Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world.
5:54 I'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
5:57 Very well, but I'll need someone to watch my house.
6:00 Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?
6:03 Homer Simpson, sir?
6:06 Yes, the way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.
6:12 Now, if the house catches fire, I want you to call this number.
6:17 Uh-huh, the fire department.
6:19 Yes, they're new, but they're good. Sir, we should get going.
6:24 Don't worry about a thing.
6:26 We'll take good care of your house.
6:29 Look at me! I'm a billionaire!
6:36 I forgot my...
6:43 Good Lord! This bedroom is as big as our house.
6:47 And the bed never needs to be made. Check it out.
6:55 Seems a little wasteful. Wasteful and practical.
7:00 A mechanical dressing dealie. Watch this, Marge.
7:05 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
7:09 Now I'm ready to hit the town.
7:16 Hmm.
7:31 Close that door.
7:35 Wow, he's got every Nancy Drew.
7:38 Even the controversial clue in the clock.
7:42 So many swears.
7:47 Fidel and Sir Junior!
7:49 I'm Princess Margaret!
7:51 I'm drunk!
7:59 It's nothing serious. Just lay off the chili and you should be fine.
8:04 Don't you laugh, Fidel.
8:06 I've been in the car with you.
8:08 Let's see, social security member. Not, not, not.
8:11 Not, not.
8:14 Two.
8:15 Damn, Roosevelt. Cause of parents' death?
8:18 Cut in my way.
8:24 Mom!
8:25 Bart's making faces at me!
8:29 I think.
8:30 Look how loud I have to yell!
8:33 This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes.
8:37 Hmm.
8:38 I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
8:42 Why, my, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
8:46 Homer, watch your li- Oh, that's a life saver.
8:53 Man, this is living.
8:59 Stop that.
9:01 Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians, like Bill Crosby and David Letterson.
9:08 Whoops, forgot to swirl it.
9:12 Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
9:16 Jimmy is such an ugly word, Marge.
9:19 Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smith's.
9:22 But house-sitting is a sacred... Hey! Stop swirling, Homer.
9:27 Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's going to take it away from me.
9:32 Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.
9:37 And another thing, if I...
9:43 Operator, get me Thailand.
9:45 T, I, and so on.
9:51 Homer, who are you calling?
9:53 Everybody.
9:54 I found Burns' address book. I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt,
9:58 and then I called the Queen of England and asked her how it was going, and then I...
10:01 Well, don't run up Mr. Burns' phone, Bill.
10:04 The second march. Hello?
10:05 Thailand?
10:06 How's everything on your end?
10:09 Uh-huh.
10:10 That's some language you got there. And you talk like that 24-7, huh?
10:15 Hey!
10:16 Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house.
10:19 You're not a billionaire.
10:21 Geez, way to burst my bubble, Marge. All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable.
10:27 Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.
10:29 Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party.
10:32 Party? No!
10:33 No parties!
10:35 What about partay? No partays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers,
10:41 no raves, no box socials. Damn.
10:44 And I look so good on that bike.
10:49 Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything.
10:52 Every disease on this chart.
10:55 Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.
10:59 Well, isn't that odd. It's like poking through meringue.
11:03 No, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.
11:09 Come on, keep blowing.
11:13 Okay, 12 centimeters.
11:16 Excellent.
11:18 I'm a big boy.
11:28 There's your problem.
11:38 Having a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.
11:44 How about Tuborg, the beer of Danish kings?
11:47 Mmm, Danish.
11:50 Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till 2 p.m.
11:52 on account of it's Sunday.
11:54 Huh?
11:54 If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
11:57 Huh?
11:58 We're just watching the sun move across the sky.
12:01 When it gets to here, we can drink again.
12:03 But I need that beer now.
12:05 Sorry, 2 p.m. Or you can steal a boat and sail out to international waters.
12:11 What's that, a theme park?
12:13 No, the ocean.
12:14 Once you get 12 miles out, there's no laws at all.
12:17 That's where they held the Tyson Secretariat fight.
12:20 They were so drunk.
12:22 Gentlemen, get off your knees.
12:24 Your rich Uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever
12:30 seen.
12:33 And you're invited.
12:39 I'm not gonna let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.
12:44 Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity.
12:49 Just in case I never become a real billionaire.
12:53 Oh, homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire.
12:56 I love you just because you... Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
13:00 Woohoo!
13:05 Repellers!
13:06 Spinning!
13:07 Turn!
13:08 Left!
13:09 Boat go!
13:11 There!
13:13 Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be okay.
13:16 The boat's going sideways!
13:18 Chips ahoy!
13:20 Well done, Mr. Lenny. Well done. All right.
13:29 Homer, have we hit international waters yet?
13:31 Because things are getting real ugly.
13:34 I can't sell your beer till we cross the line.
13:36 Legally, you could give us free beer.
13:40 Ow!
13:42 Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?
13:46 Hey.
13:48 Sucker.
13:49 Ow!
13:55 We made it, son.
13:57 International waters, the land that law forgot.
14:10 Wow, you can do anything out here.
14:13 That's right.
14:15 See that chip over there?
14:16 They're rebroadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent,
14:20 not express written consent. Or so the legend goes.
14:26 I now pronounce you man and cow.
14:32 Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing.
14:36 There are
14:42 no lies.
14:43 We can do anything we want.
14:45 Anything.
14:46 Ow.
14:48 Oh, real mature, Lenny.
14:51 Well, Doc,
14:53 I think I did pretty well on my tests You may shake my hand if you like Well,
14:57 under the circumstances, I'd rather not Eh?
14:59 Mr. Burns,
15:00 I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States You have everything You mean I
15:05 have pneumonia? Yes Juvenile diabetes?
15:07 Yes Hysterical pregnancy?
15:09 A little bit,
15:10 yes You also have several diseases that have just been discovered In you I see You sure
15:15 you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?
15:17 No, no, I'm afraid not This sounds like bad news.
15:21 You'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.
15:25 If you have a moment, I can explain.
15:27 Well... Here's the door to your body, you see?
15:29 And these are oversized novelty germs.
15:32 That's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle bug is pancreatic cancer.
15:37 Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
15:43 Move it, shout-ahead.
15:45 We call it Three Stooges Syndrome. So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
15:51 Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...
15:56 Indestructible.
16:02 Why are we cleaning this room? I don't think we were even in here.
16:05 Honey, we want Mr. Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it.
16:14 Oh.
16:25 Look at those poor saps back on land with their laws and ethics.
16:30 They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
16:34 Give it to him, boy! Give it to him!
16:40 Rust!
16:40 Power!
16:41 Step, step, step, step! Oh, he ain't pretty no more.
16:47 Hey, Coast Guard, try and stop us now, you lousy Americans.
16:51 We can't hear you.
16:53 Come 300 feet closer.
16:55 Nice try.
16:57 You're not going to nail us. But we just want to party.
17:00 Oh, really?
17:01 Then play some rock music.
17:08 Come on, boys.
17:10 The Coast Guard's covering the doom.
17:17 A-choo-choo!
17:20 Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?
17:23 You are!
17:28 Looks like another homosexual party boat.
17:31 They always have such nice things.
17:34 Perhaps we should pay them a visit. A deadly visit?
17:39 Well, let's play it by ear.
17:48 Ah!
17:53 Pirates! Are you friendly pirates?
17:55 Uh, not really, no.
17:57 Then what have you done with my party guests?
18:00 Ah!
18:03 They got my bus pass! They got my bus pass!
18:06 Whoa, they're poking every nook and cranny.
18:08 Well, every cranny anyway.
18:10 So far the nook is relatively... Oh, no!
18:13 No, it isn't!
18:16 Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island, a.k.a.
18:21 Hong Kong.
18:22 Aye, aye, Captain.
18:26 Help! Pirates! Navy SEALs are on the way.
18:31 Oh, bless you!
18:32 How about a tactical nuclear strike?
18:36 Well, that would be just... Well, you're just taking my chain, aren't you?
18:41 Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.
18:47 Enough.
18:48 Get in the net.
18:49 I don't wanna.
18:58 Prepare to die.
19:01 You too.
19:03 Ah, no birds.
19:06 Oh, oh, Charlie horse, Charlie horse.
19:08 Ah, ah, ah, my mouth.
19:13 In the net, right?
19:19 Some party, Homer.
19:21 Shut up, net face. Hey, you're in the net, too.
19:24 I said shut up, net face.
19:27 Oh, we're gonna die, and I never tasted cantaloupe.
19:30 Ah, you didn't miss much.
19:32 Honeydew is the money melon.
19:34 And now we will cut you loose.
19:36 For liability purposes, it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.
19:47 Hey, what do you know? It floats.
19:49 That was my plan all along.
19:52 Now relax and the currents will take us home.
19:55 What about the people on the bottom?
19:57 They're the greatest heroes of all.
19:59 Hey, something's clawing at my leg.
20:02 Okay, it's stuffed.
20:06 It looks great.
20:07 I can't believe we scrubbed that old man smell out of 137 rooms.
20:12 Smithers, old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health.
20:16 Oh, and sorry about your news. Thank you, sir.
20:19 Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain?
20:21 I prefer not to know.
20:22 Frankly, one is too many.
20:26 Ugh, the foul stench of youth.
20:29 Well, let's see.
20:30 Ming Vesa narrow column not knocked down.
20:33 Priceless coins not used in vending machine, yeah, it's not bad.
20:38 Mr. Burns, pirates got your yacht!
20:41 What?
20:42 Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable.
20:51 Oh!
20:52 Furious George!
20:54 What have they done to your beautiful face?
20:57 Oh, there, there.
20:59 Smithers, this monkey's going to need most of your skin.
21:02 Ah.
21:05 Ah, it's good to be home.
21:08 I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
21:13 Ah, it's not so bad. Here we can spit on the floor.
21:17 Bart, stop that!
21:19 Now, we may not have antique furniture or priceless artwork,
21:23 but we have everything we need right here.
21:26 That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have...
21:31 Oh, no!
21:33 I can't even finish.
21:35 I want to be rich!
21:41 Like these guys!
21:45 And look at all these rich people here!
21:49 Not as rich as they should be, of course, but still rich!
21:53 Look at all the big money.
21:56 Look at all the names. that old money and have lots of money.
22:03 Oh, he's poor.
22:04 But look at all other people.
22:07 Oh, look at all the people who can buy and sell me.
22:11 I should send a list of these names to the IRS.
22:15 I'm taking them all down.
22:18 Oh, look at all the rich people.
22:21 Oh, look at that rich.
22:25 Shh.
22:25 Don't just be a rich bastard.
22:27 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Maude Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Professor Frink, Horatio McCallister, Snake, Ruth Powers, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Sarah Wiggum, Gloria Prince, Old Jewish Man, Alice Glick, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Britney Spears, Cornelius Chapman, Furious George

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character