Faith Off

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 11. First aired January 16, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Little Big Mom The Mansion Family → The whole episode as text

From “Faith Off”: “Sorry, Dad, it just won't budge. I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat,” — Sorry, Dad, it just won't budge. I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat,

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About the episode

When Bart pulls a glued-on bucket off Homer's head at Brother Faith's revival, the preacher hails him as a healer and Bart opens his own church, until Milhouse, "cured" of his nearsightedness, is hit by a truck. Then Homer's homecoming float crushes the leg of Springfield University kicker Anton Lubchenko, and with Fat Tony threatening Homer, Bart must attempt one more miracle.

Written by: Frank Mula
Directed by: Nancy Kruse
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony; Don Cheadle as Brother Faith
Chalkboard gag: I will stop 'phoning it in'
Couch gag: Therapy
Production code: BABF06

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

340 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:09 Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.
1:23 Bill?
1:25 Ooh, Lib!
1:26 Wait a minute.
1:27 Bill! Huh?
1:29 Springfield University homecoming?
1:31 Finally a chance to relive my golden college years.
1:35 Dad, you only took one course.
1:37 Remember my love affair with Ali McGraw?
1:39 She used to call me Preppy. Then she died.
1:43 Ooh, there's a homecoming parade? A cocktail party?
1:47 Then the big game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M.
1:50 I hate Springfield U so much. You went to Springfield U.
1:55 You hate A&M. So much.
2:02 My old dorm room.
2:04 Come on, Pete, let's matriculate.
2:08 You college boys are only interested in one thing.
2:13 Whoa!
2:14 You're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room.
2:18 Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
2:22 My old roommate's the nerds. Aw, you working?
2:27 Oh, my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge.
2:31 Zyborgs!
2:32 I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster.
2:37 Does anybody need that much porno?
2:39 Oh, one million times.
2:47 Yeah, so because of me, all the dorms now have security phones.
2:53 And now let's give a warm alumni welcome, you know, clapping,
2:57 to Springfield U's All-American place kicker, Anton Lubchenko.
3:03 In home country, growing up in filth, Lubchenko dreams to play USA football.
3:09 On my father's deadbed, he made me prostrate.
3:14 Long story short, go Springfield U. Yes, thank you, Anton.
3:18 Now, folks, seven and five football season doesn't come cheap, and this is a fundraiser.
3:24 Seal the exits.
3:29 Thank you, thank you.
3:30 Come on, hurry up.
3:32 All right, now, let's empty our pockets.
3:34 Make me.
3:35 Professor Rocco, Chancellor Knuckles.
3:38 Wait, I just... Okay, all right, okay. Get every dime.
3:43 The Wiffle Snuffs need new cummerbunds. We look like sloths.
3:50 I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.
3:54 That dean is gonna get an indignant email.
3:57 You should do it with bold red letters. My computer has 512 shades of red.
4:01 Have you nerds forgotten everything I taught you?
4:03 This calls for a prank.
4:05 I see... a bucket.
4:10 Tee-tee. Tee-tee-tee-tee.
4:14 This is gonna be so great.
4:17 I think I know that guy.
4:18 He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture.
4:22 All right, now age the picture five years.
4:25 That's him.
4:26 Good work.
4:27 Now, let's see who's having sex in the library.
4:30 Ah, they scrambled it.
4:33 So, when Dean Peterson opens his door,
4:36 this bucket of super glue is gonna drop right on his head.
4:40 What the?
4:43 Oh, real original.
4:45 Who did this? Kappa Gamma Tau. Last in grades, first in pranks.
4:51 Good evening, gentlemen.
4:53 Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean.
4:57 Oh, who's the Dean?
5:06 Sorry, Dad, it just won't budge. I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat,
5:10 but your father kept eating it. Couldn't you try a non-delicious fat?
5:15 Oh, there's no such thing.
5:18 Hmm, I'm afraid it's hopeless.
5:21 Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
5:23 So he's stuck like this forever?
5:25 Oh, now don't fret.
5:27 These days, the victims of comedy traumas, or traumaties, can still lead rich, full lives.
5:38 Brrrr.
5:45 Sorry, but these guys cracked me up. What guys?
5:49 Mom wanted to see the freaks. Okay, hang on, Homer.
5:52 Two eye holes coming up.
5:55 Easy.
5:57 Too far.
6:00 Homer, maybe I should drive.
6:03 Oh, I can see fine.
6:13 That had nothing to do with the bucket.
6:17 Oh, where are we?
6:24 Brother Faith's revival?
6:26 For the healing love of Brother Faith!
6:31 Woo!
6:32 Good!
6:33 I feel it in my belly now, Springfield. Can you feel the power?
6:38 Yes!
6:39 Do you want to be saved? Yes!
6:42 Now correct me if I'm incorrect,
6:43 but was I told that it's untrue that people in Springfield have no faith?
6:47 Was I not misinformed? Well, I don't know.
6:50 The answer I'm looking for is yes. Yes!
6:53 Now let's hear it for the Holy Spirit.
6:57 No need to fear it.
6:59 Just revere it.
7:01 He works in heaven.
7:03 That's 24-7.
7:05 That's right.
7:05 Check the Bible.
7:07 Yeah. John 2, 11.
7:09 Jump back!
7:10 Fill it, fill it. Wow, he dances better than Jesus himself.
7:14 What ails you, my son?
7:15 I done sprained my elbow bone, so it goes in the opposite direction.
7:21 The power of faith compels you.
7:24 Heal!
7:25 Take that, Satan!
7:26 Praise the Lord.
7:28 It was a miracle, and it was gross.
7:32 Cool.
7:33 What affliction beplagues you, my friend?
7:38 Come again?
7:39 He paralyzed his vocal cords, cramming too many K sounds into a punchline.
7:44 Oh, mercy. Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for...
7:47 Feel the power! Ah!
7:50 Release this clown!
7:52 Have you gone completely for cock-ta?
7:54 Hey, I got my comedy case back.
7:57 King Kong, Cold Cock, Kato Kaelin. Hey, you Gentiles are all right.
8:02 Mwah! Wow, is there anything he can't do?
8:04 Cure me! Cure me!
8:07 Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
8:11 Yeah, and I got a bucket on my head.
8:14 Oh, oh, my! Satan really jammed that thing on good.
8:18 I'm gonna need a holy helper, someone who believes.
8:21 No.
8:22 Okay, moving on. I need someone with the power.
8:25 This golden-haired little boy.
8:28 Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket.
8:32 Now proclaim, I have the power.
8:36 I have the power.
8:38 Oh, say it like you mean it, boy. I have the power.
8:42 I have the power.
8:46 I see the light that burns. Hallelujah.
8:51 Behold, this child has the power.
8:57 Uh, Miracle Boy, I believe I had hair. Oh, here they are.
9:08 Ah, you two were great tonight.
9:10 You didn't bite me or anything.
9:12 Oh, how's that little rattle doing?
9:15 Excuse me, Brother Faith.
9:17 I gotta know, how did you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
9:20 Well, I didn't, son.
9:21 You did.
9:22 God gave you the power.
9:24 Really?
9:25 Hmm.
9:25 I would think he would want to limit my power.
9:29 Oh, yes, Lord. When I was your age, I was a Hellraiser, too.
9:33 My slingshot was my cross.
9:34 But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
9:38 I figure I'll go for the life of sin, followed by the presto chango deathbed repentance.
9:42 Wow, that's a good angle.
9:44 But that's not God's angle. Why not spend your life helping people instead?
9:50 Then you're also covered in case of sudden death.
9:53 Full coverage?
9:54 Hmm.
9:55 Then I said, I have the power, and the bucket came off.
9:59 Cool.
10:00 Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy.
10:05 I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy.
10:08 Devil, be gone!
10:10 Ow!
10:11 My milk money!
10:13 And my milk. Ew!
10:15 You did it, Bart!
10:17 He really does have the power. Go forth and spread the word!
10:21 Spread it!
10:24 Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
10:27 Number of miracles performed by Bart, too.
10:29 Number performed by Lisa, zero.
10:32 How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo?
10:34 The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it,
10:38 causing the metal to expand.
10:40 Heat makes metal expand.
10:42 Now who's talking mumbo-jumbo?
10:47 Can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float.
10:51 Do it for me. What have you got so far?
10:55 Look at Moe dance.
10:57 Aloha, Moe. That's nice,
10:59 but maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college.
11:02 Yeah, you're right.
11:07 I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman.
11:10 It's not to scale.
11:13 In his letter to the Corinthians,
11:15 Paul instructed them to send ten copies to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians.
11:21 But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished by...
11:25 I got two words for this sermon.
11:29 Am I boring you, Bart?
11:31 Well, to be honest, yes.
11:33 Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
11:36 But church can be fun.
11:39 No, really, it can be a crazy party with clouds and lasers and miracles.
11:43 And chili fries.
11:44 A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive through music and dancing and Tybo.
11:55 He's kicking it old school. Never give them an opening.
12:01 Three, two, one, pull!
12:11 That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting.
12:16 Maybe we should air it out a little.
12:22 Ah, excuse me, neighbor. Uh, yeah,
12:26 I couldn't help but notice you picked pretty much all of my flowers.
12:29 Can't make a float without flowers.
12:32 Oh, sure enough. But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again?
12:37 Heh heh heh heh. Heh heh, yeah.
12:47 Okay, Springfield.
12:48 How many of you are in horrible pain? Yes!
12:51 Then put your souls together. Brother, brother, heart!
12:57 Satan, eat my shorts!
13:01 I was a sinner, a real bad kid.
13:04 Without shout, not a shout, did.
13:07 Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter. Took a whiz on the school computer.
13:12 He took a whiz, oh yes he did.
13:16 But now I've changed, you can't deny.
13:19 Come on up and testify. Testify!
13:23 Testify!
13:24 Come on up and testify! My hips misbehaving!
13:28 Testify! Got a nicotine grape!
13:30 Testify! There's a cramp in my glides!
13:33 Testify!
13:42 Perhaps it's time to fight Razzle with Dazzle.
13:50 Michael, roll, roll, roll the boat.
13:55 Is he killing that guitar, Daddy?
13:57 Yes, son. My glasses make me look like a geek.
14:01 Now you'll get the girls you see.
14:03 It's you at Makeout 3.
14:07 Why's the boy of the eye? He's got the power.
14:12 So raise your voice and don't be shy
14:16 Teska, teska
14:26 Teska Thank you, Bart,
14:32 for fixing my vision.
14:34 Now I see with total precision. Song's over, Millhouse, but you're welcome.
14:42 Nice doggie!
14:46 Millhouse!
14:48 Bury me at Makeout Creek!
14:58 Oh, Millhouse, this is my fault.
15:01 I'm so sorry.
15:02 That's okay.
15:03 You can just heal me again, right?
15:06 Well, I don't think I can. Please?
15:08 This cast is real itchy and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there and I think
15:14 there was some food on the fork.
15:17 Okay, I'll see what I can do.
15:19 Heal.
15:23 Oh, it always does that.
15:27 Milhouse, I can't help you.
15:29 I am no healer.
15:32 Could you tell my mom I'm here?
15:34 Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U
15:39 and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever.
15:44 This is writing. I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.
15:48 Thesaurus.
15:49 You lose more than this. In preparation for the big game,
15:53 Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever.
15:57 Woo-hoo!
15:58 Go ask you. A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts.
16:02 Yeah, well you went to a cow college. Oh,
16:05 you're only calling us a cow college because we were founded by a cow.
16:13 Well done, and we have ourselves a barn burner here today.
16:17 Welcome to the 117th dust-up between the snortin' swine of Springfield A&M and the
16:22 Springfield University Nittany Tide. Oh, Doctor, break out the hickory switch.
16:28 Okay, who needs another lamb rack?
16:31 Pizza? Ham hock? Try tip? Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
16:36 Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
16:38 Well, hang on to your hoop skirts, folks,
16:40 because Anton Luchenko is going to be kicking higher than a mule on payday.
16:45 Oh, land of lakes, take that, ozone layer.
16:54 What a glorious day to be that man's foot.
17:03 Whoa, and I get your radar gun, because that tamale was one tall drink of water.
17:09 Wow, he should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
17:12 Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?
17:16 Now, ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those peepers,
17:20 because here comes the halftime parade.
17:23 I forgot my float. Quick, pass me down.
17:26 No, stop it.
17:30 Okay, Lise, if they don't have tabbouleh, what's your second choice?
17:34 They'll have tabbouleh. You're the miracle boy with the healing hands.
17:38 Arr, ain't ya? Nah, I don't do that anymore.
17:41 So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression.
17:46 Arr, arr.
17:48 Wow, and I thought he had it all.
17:53 I had the halftime of my life
17:56 And I owe it all to a shield.
18:00 An overdue tribute to half-time itself.
18:04 And as those lumbering ships of the Great Iron sail off into our memories,
18:08 the players return to the field.
18:11 And what's this?
18:14 Wait!
18:15 I gotta float too. Listen up, because I gotta explain a lot of it.
18:23 Hey, look out! He's nuts! Hey, look out!
18:25 Out of the way, Baryshnikov! Somebody had you to do!
18:30 He hit the star player!
18:33 Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking.
18:38 Now, does this hurt?
18:39 Just a simple yes or no.
18:41 Oh, I only wanted to show my school spirit.
18:46 I wager a large sum on the performance of that Scala athlete.
18:53 No, wait. I got a kid who's a miracle worker.
18:56 He'll heal him up real good.
18:57 Well, he'd better. Or else. Or else what?
19:01 Oh, right. The ice pick.
19:06 Bart, I need a miracle.
19:08 Sorry, Dad. I can't just magically cure a broken leg.
19:14 Please, Bart. You've got to use your powers.
19:17 I'm begging you.
19:21 Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.
19:24 Lubchenko must return to game.
19:27 Oh, your playing days are over, my friend.
19:29 But you can always fall back on your degree in communications.
19:33 Oh, dear Lord.
19:35 I know.
19:36 It's funny, Major.
19:38 Lubchenko learned nothing.
19:40 Nothing.
19:41 All right, do your thing.
19:45 Okay, God, if you did give me a power, let it work now.
19:50 Not just for me, but for my dad.
19:54 Heel.
19:56 Heel! Oh, Doctor, with S.U. behind and seconds left,
20:00 my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Titty's root cellar.
20:05 So we'll... Oh, jumping crawdaddies!
20:08 Is that Lubchenko coming back on the field?
20:11 Yeah!
20:13 Bart did it! And they're gonna try for a field goal.
20:16 A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21... Oh, that would win the game.
20:59 I did it! I did it!
21:02 My leg! It broke off!
21:07 Yes!
21:11 Ah-ah-ah!
21:15 Poor guy. He lost his leg.
21:17 No, no, no. The fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight.
21:20 You know, drink beer out of it and so on, but, uh, it'll turn up in the morning.
21:23 I'll sew it back on. Will that really work?
21:26 Well, I assume so.
21:28 As long as I have Bart's healing powers.
21:31 Why won't anybody listen to me? I don't have any special powers.
21:35 I am not a healer.
21:37 Fine.
21:37 More money for me.
21:40 Thank you.
22:24 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Sam, Adrian Belew, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Ruth Powers, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Sarah Wiggum, Herman Hermann, Lewis' lookalike, Gloria Prince, Cletus Spuckler, Alice Glick, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Brandine Spuckler, Fat Tony, Allison Taylor, Jack Marley, Disco Stu, The Rich Texan, Doug, Gary, Benjamin, Eddie Muntz, Bobby Peterson, Anton Lubchenko, Brother Faith, Kappa Gamma Tau

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character