Pygmoelian

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 16. First aired February 27, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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About the episode

After winning the Duff Days bartending contest, Moe Szyslak finds his calendar photo covered with stickers and gets plastic surgery that makes him handsome. He lands the part of Dr. Tad Winslow on the soap It Never Ends, but mistakenly thinking he will be killed off, he and Homer give away a year of plots on the show. Walking out, Moe is crushed by scenery that restores his old face.

Written by: Larry Doyle
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: Dodgeball stops at the Gym door
Couch gag: Groening's Signature
Production code: BABF12

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

352 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 Star Wars
0:41 Let's go.
1:23 Fire!
1:26 Oh, no!
1:27 What do I save?
1:32 Trophies, trophies. Ooh, attendance.
1:37 Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic.
1:39 Get in. Move it. This is not a drill.
1:44 Good work, everyone.
1:46 We're sure to be first in line for tough days.
1:49 You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
1:54 I know. I'm a character.
1:56 Now a little beer music to get in the mood.
2:04 Checking for these?
2:21 Drink Duff!
2:22 Responsibly.
2:24 Drink Duff!
2:25 Responsibly. Now, which one of you is our designated driver?
2:28 Ah!
2:32 I guess I'll be driving.
2:34 Right this way to the Duff Designated Driver's Rockin' Fun Zone.
2:38 Rockin' Fun Zone? That sounds fun!
2:44 I don't see the need for razor wire.
2:49 Ooh, there's Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth, Ben Franklin.
2:54 A little bit.
2:56 A little ride.
2:58 You think you're better than me?
3:03 Okay, kids.
3:05 Who wants to see what it's like to get drunk?
3:21 Now you're charming. You don't know me.
3:30 This guy here, this is the guy.
3:36 All right, Springfield, rally up for the Duff's beer tender in the air contest.
3:43 Now,
3:44 press for misappearance before the House Subcommittee on Teenage Alcoholism, Duffman.
3:49 Are you ready for some Duff love?
3:53 All right,
3:55 today we're going to find out which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense
4:00 stuff.
4:02 From the green potato pub at O'Hare International Airport, Michael Finn.
4:09 From juggernauts in Hollywood, California, Titania.
4:14 And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug.
4:20 Oh, yeah.
4:21 Give it up for Moe Zislak.
4:24 Hello, Springfield.
4:25 Hiya.
4:33 Okay, our first event qualifies for course credit at Dartmouth College.
4:38 Trick pouring.
4:39 For goodness sake.
4:42 I got the hippy hippy shade
4:45 Yeah, I got the shade
4:49 That smells soft!
4:51 No, no!
4:52 Boo, everyone else! I think we know who wins this round.
4:56 Titania!
4:58 Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley, and sparkling clear mountain what?
5:05 Goat!
5:06 Close enough!
5:11 You can really taste the goat.
5:14 Now, our final round, which counts for 98% of the total score,
5:18 making the previous rounds a complete waste.
5:23 Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Jeff Calendar.
5:28 All right, guys.
5:29 One, two, three.
5:32 Moo! Lenny, you were supposed to be E.
5:35 See what happens when you skip rehearsal.
5:39 All right, bartenders, toss your drunks!
5:46 And stay out!
5:50 Ew!
5:51 You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
5:54 Duffman says a lot of things!
5:56 Oh, yeah!
6:02 Oh, ha,
6:07 ha!
6:12 And the winner, Moe Sizzlak!
6:17 Oh, that's great. Thank you. Thanks a lot.
6:20 I just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete with the Mick and the chick with
6:26 the rack there. Yeah!
6:27 All right, Bo! That's my move!
6:29 And now, to take your official calendar portrait,
6:32 Duff's vice president in charge of calendars and fake IDs, Phil Angelidis!
6:42 That's a mug you don't want to chug!
6:45 Knock it off, Larry. We can't put this face on our calendar.
6:59 When I get home, there are going to be a lot of open pickle jars.
7:04 That one.
7:07 Kids, would you like a balloon?
7:09 Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wallipop.
7:12 Actually, I would like a wallipop. Those balloons won't bide you great for 10,000 years.
7:17 If Bart gets a wallipop, I want a wallipop.
7:20 Oh, Maggie wants a balloon.
7:23 And Daddy will take a hand stamp so he can get back in.
7:26 Just kidding.
7:31 Remember my face.
7:32 Oh, boy.
7:39 Oh, the new dump calendars are out. The ones with your picture.
7:44 Oh, boy. Move over liquor license. Hey, Moe,
7:48 this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island.
7:52 And it's signed by you. Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated, uh,
7:56 for this state and real.
7:58 Now, let's see the poster boy for the new millennium.
8:03 Hey, they put a sticker over my face.
8:07 Hey, evil and kiss what?
8:11 Hey, off of the love of Jeff.
8:16 Ah, am I really that ugly?
8:19 Mo, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb?
8:21 Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
8:26 Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
8:31 See, this is why I don't talk much.
8:37 I can't believe they put those stickers over my face.
8:41 I must be the ugliest man alive. Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you.
8:46 Like, you ever been to White Castle? Oh, boy.
8:49 Pig Town, USA. Come on, look at me. I'm a gargoyle.
8:53 What, with the cauliflower ear there and the lizard lips?
8:56 Little rat eyes. Cape man, bro. Don't forget that fish snout.
8:59 Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
9:02 Or listen to. Well, be with. Come on, Moe, don't feel bad.
9:06 There's too much emphasis on looks these days.
9:08 That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight.
9:11 Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery?
9:16 Plastic surgery, huh? Yeah,
9:18 maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
9:22 Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside,
9:25 but you still might feel bad on the inside.
9:28 But I'd look good on the outside, right?
9:30 Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
9:32 Plastic surgery it is. Carl Carlson, you just saved my life.
9:36 Hey, get out of there.
9:42 Look at her.
9:43 Must be great to be a baby and be so easily amused.
9:46 Yeah,
9:47 I wish I could be entertained by two cents worth of rubber shaped like some colorful animal.
9:51 Dancing and twirling. Dancing and twirling.
9:56 Hey, give me that. That's mine.
10:04 The door.
10:08 Oh, no.
10:15 Okay, don't panic. I'll get the bikes. I hope they're hover bikes.
10:19 Oh, man, that would be so awesome.
10:28 Yeah.
10:29 Hmm.
10:36 It's hopeless, ain't it? No, no, no. I love a challenge.
10:40 First, we must install buttocks. Nah, nah, nah.
10:42 No luxury items. Just a face. Okay, I'm gonna move this up.
10:47 This wider.
10:48 I'm gonna lose that.
10:50 I've never even seen one of these. Can the medical mumbo-jumbo.
10:53 Can you fix me or not?
10:55 Well, we'll see. You know, most faces need a little remodeling.
10:59 But this is a total teardown.
11:01 Let me clean up this mess I made.
11:03 Hey, hey!
11:04 Hey, that really burns there! I'll stop it, you're roast and fed on away.
11:11 Gotta get closer.
11:13 I'm trying.
11:14 Can't I get on your shoulders?
11:16 I'm not riding a girl's bike.
11:18 Hey, it's getting away. Step on it.
11:20 Yeah, yeah.
11:21 Stop kicking me.
11:23 Yeah.
11:25 Whew, boy, what a buck.
11:28 Yeah, you should see his genitals.
11:30 Would you like to see them? I'm awake here.
11:33 Uh-oh, this isn't anesthetic. It's no car smell.
11:36 Oh, sorry, Doctor.
11:40 Oh, silver bells.
11:43 Silver bells.
11:47 It's going into that building.
11:52 Nice suit, Jeeves.
11:55 Daddy, I'm stealing!
11:57 I'm stealing!
11:59 Oh, that's my little dude.
12:02 We need a symbol. Something that says we're gay and Republican.
12:10 A little on the nose, don't you think?
12:13 Excuse me.
12:14 We just came to get our balloon.
12:16 Here you go.
12:17 And have a bumper sticker.
12:19 Thank you.
12:20 A gay president in 2084?
12:23 We're realistic.
12:29 Hurry, hurry up. I have to pee.
12:34 Beautiful.
12:34 Okay, now do mo.
12:37 Well, mo, now we see if you go on my wall of fame or my blooper reel.
12:45 Oh.
12:49 What? I'm a monster, right? I knew it.
12:51 I guess I'll just crawl back to live in a sewer periodically emerging to sue you.
12:58 Is that me?
13:02 Oopsie, we got some leakage.
13:04 Let me just cauterize that for you.
13:07 Bye, Mom. Don't be a stranger, handsome.
13:10 Bye-bye.
13:12 Oh, did you hear that? She called me handsome.
13:15 Me.
13:16 It's like I'd gone to heaven.
13:18 Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
13:22 Yeah, but just for a minute. It's a funny story.
13:25 I'll tell you sometime.
13:26 So this is all real?
13:27 Oh, you dear, dear man. You're one of us beautiful people now,
13:32 and your new life begins today.
13:35 A new life. A second chance.
13:37 For revenge.
13:39 That brown patch needs a little H2O.
13:43 Oh, yeah!
13:45 Hey, Duffman.
13:46 Let's see how you like a sticker on your face.
13:49 Yeah.
13:51 Duffman, can't breathe.
13:52 Oh, no.
13:54 Ooh.
13:59 Hello.
14:00 Yeah, hello yourself.
14:01 I'm Moe Sislak. Back in high school, I asked you to the springtime pumpkin dance,
14:06 and you turned me down. Well,
14:08 I just wanted to show you the face that you could have been kissing.
14:12 Yeah.
14:13 Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then, and I feel terrible about hurting you.
14:17 Will you accept my apology?
14:19 Apology?
14:21 Uh, jeez, I wasn't expecting that.
14:23 Uh... Run!
14:26 Man, that felt great!
14:30 Okay, last stop, channel six.
14:33 You gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?
14:36 Nah, nah, nah.
14:37 This is personal.
14:40 It all goes back to my acting days.
14:42 I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow on the hit soap, It Never Ends.
14:47 Angela, I'm afraid I... Thank you, next.
14:51 What were you thinking?
14:53 Well, you said you wanted gritty.
14:55 In other words, ugly. I wanted Marianne on Gilligan's Island ugly,
14:58 not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes ugly.
15:01 TV ugly, not ugly ugly.
15:08 I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fogly, pug fogly, but never ugly ugly.
15:14 Well, it's time to get some closure.
15:19 Extreme closure.
15:22 And I've been Dr. Ted Winslow for 25 years.
15:26 It's time I got a raise. Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
15:30 And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
15:32 Remember me?
15:33 25 years ago, you said I was too ugly to play Dr.
15:37 Tad Winslow. I did?
15:39 Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon.
15:41 You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
15:43 Really? You mean it? But there can't be two Dr.
15:46 Tad Winslows that's going to... Oh.
15:53 I've been waiting all my life for this moment.
15:56 Yeah.
15:58 Homer, whoa, whoa, Homer.
16:00 Change of plans.
16:02 Whatever.
16:07 Like the cleaning of a house, it never ends.
16:12 With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge,
16:16 Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide, and as Dr.
16:21 Tad Winslow, Moe Sislak. I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr.
16:27 Tad Winslow. Well,
16:28 I'm going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow
16:32 talk.
16:34 Cleo, Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never work.
16:39 I'm a doctor and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.
16:44 But I love you, Tad, and together we can burn all the cities of the earth.
16:48 It's against hospital regulations, dammit.
16:51 And Clive Dancer's just waiting for me to slip up.
16:56 So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door?
16:59 Eh, it's over. She got a window shade.
17:02 Whoa, whoa, whoa. If you must grope me, ladies, please, a little softer.
17:08 Okay, now harder.
17:10 Hey, there are women in our bar. Hey, Mo, bear me.
17:14 I'm a little busy, Homer. You can pour it yourself.
17:18 This isn't nearly as complicated as Mo made it seem.
17:29 I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club.
17:33 You don't love me.
17:34 The only thing you love is your ear, nose and throat pavilion.
17:38 I've dedicated my life to diseases in a head hole.
17:41 But the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
17:45 That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.
17:49 Yeah, hey, I got a gift.
17:51 As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug.
17:53 that had burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart.
17:56 Now those eggs are hatching, and the feeling is indescribable.
18:00 I know what you mean. Our dog had that.
18:03 Excuse me.
18:05 I got a delivery here for the producers.
18:08 Top secret storylines?
18:10 I'll sign for it.
18:14 Might as well have a little peek.
18:22 Looks like my character gets back together with that evil Contessa.
18:25 The one with the amulet?
18:27 Precisely.
18:28 Then I get in a skydiving accident and have to be rushed to the...
18:31 Graveyard?
18:32 They're killing off Dr. Tad Winslow!
18:35 What? Let me see that.
18:37 Interior coroner's office.
18:38 Close-up on Dr. Winslow's mangled corpse.
18:41 Coroner, let's get that brain out and wait and call it a day.
18:44 Yep, that does sound kind of bad Well,
18:47 if they're gonna stomp on my dreams The least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes
18:53 I never used to trust you,
18:55 Contessa But now you seem so nice Why don't we celebrate your newfound trust in me
19:01 By taking a skydiving lesson Well,
19:05 how could I say no to such a captivating...
19:08 Ding dong! Whoa, it's the door!
19:14 Dr.
19:15 Winslow!
19:16 Why, who are you?
19:18 I am an angel from the future!
19:20 Angel?
19:20 What the f***?
19:22 Should I cut him off? No.
19:23 Let's see where this is going.
19:25 And what do you have to tell us, oh angel of the future?
19:28 You're going to die in a skydiving accident.
19:33 How tragic.
19:34 Tell me more. Gabriela's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists with sexy results.
19:40 Ooh, that's unexpected.
19:42 What else?
19:43 Well,
19:43 Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team with sexy results.
19:48 What's Dad doing on the show? Who cares?
19:51 He's dishing out the dirt.
19:54 And only then do we find out that Professor Galloway's half-sister is plotting to take
19:59 over international perfume and wine.
20:01 He just gave away a year's worth of storylines.
20:04 Cut him off.
20:06 Now.
20:10 Yes!
20:11 What the hell are you doing? Sticking it to you for killing off my character.
20:17 You idiot.
20:18 Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
20:21 What?
20:21 Pink pages always mean a dream.
20:23 I thought dreams was on Goldenrod.
20:26 No, Goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
20:28 I see.
20:31 So, uh... What time tomorrow?
20:35 Escort these men out.
20:38 Now.
20:40 Get your hands off me. Get off! I don't need your stinking show anyway.
20:44 With a mug like this, I can get on Annie's soap in Springfield.
20:55 Ow!
20:58 Ow, my face! I'm not supposed to put weight on it
21:09 Sorry about your face Moe Nah, it's just as well that handsome face was nice,
21:15 but it was too much maintenance how to wash it rub it with Neats foot oil you did me a
21:20 favor Homer and to think I was about to sell the bar to Hooters Yeah, you were go well,
21:25 I guess that wraps it up There's one thing I don't get, though.
21:28 When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face?
21:31 I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some kind of dirt face that was different?
21:35 Heh, don't make no...
22:22 Oh, yeah.
22:26 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Miss Hoover, Snowball II, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Larry Dalrymple, Luann Van Houten, Sam, Bernice Hibbert, Snake, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Herman Hermann, Cletus Spuckler, Chuck Berger, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Benjamin Franklin, Duffman, Surly Duff, Cleo, Dr. Tad Winslow, Dr. Velimirovic, Helen Morehouse, Jeremy Jailbird, Titania

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character