Bart to the Future

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 17. First aired March 19, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Pygmoelian Days of Wine and D'oh'ses → The whole episode as text

From “Bart to the Future”: “Nah.” — Nah.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Caught sneaking into a Native American casino, Bart is shown his future in a sacred fire. In 2030 he is a broke would-be rock musician sharing a beach shack with Ralph Wiggum, while Lisa is the U.S. President trying to rescue a bankrupt country. Bart moves into the White House to mooch off her, and his antics during a live address make her admit her disguised tax increase.

Written by: Dan Greaney
Directed by: Michael Marcantel
Chalkboard gag: Non-flammable is not a challenge
Couch gag: Club
Production code: BABF13

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

391 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:22 How much farther to the campground?
1:24 Let's see. Judging from the bug buildup, we're getting close.
1:27 I'm not sure mosquito season is the best time to visit Larval Lake.
1:33 Folks, you're gonna want to turn around.
1:35 The bugs are firmly in charge.
1:38 What? Please, just go. They've taken the visitor center.
1:41 They ate the comment book. All right, geez.
1:49 Hey, hey, my class rang.
1:53 Oh, thanks a lot.
1:56 Hey, an Indian casino.
1:57 God bless Native America.
2:05 Let's go, Marge. Come on, come on, come on.
2:07 Homer, you know I had a gambling problem.
2:10 Well,
2:10 what better place to celebrate your recovery than amidst the frenzied excitement of the
2:14 casino floor?
2:18 Uh, something troubles me about Indian gaming.
2:21 On the one hand, the revenue helps the tribe.
2:23 Sure, we can't talk you into it!
2:27 No minors.
2:28 Yeah, but I really want... Sorry, son.
2:31 Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian.
2:36 Hi, how were you? Hi, how were you? Hi, how were you?
2:38 Hi, how were you?
2:40 I gotta get in that casino.
2:45 The Great Gabbo demands a free night in the presidential suite while performing.
2:49 We'll give you a free pass to the pasta bar.
2:52 The Great Gabbo accepts your terms.
3:05 Ooh.
3:08 Quiet, Gabba.
3:10 I'd like to introduce you to my little wooden friend.
3:13 He's in his box, pining away.
3:18 Say hello to...
3:22 Gabba, you've become a real boy. All right, time for some underage gambling.
3:27 So long, sucker.
3:36 Your linen service has broken many promises to us.
3:40 Laundry bills soar like eagle.
3:42 Jerk.
3:46 So, you like to sneak into casinos.
3:49 I wasn't gonna gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
3:52 Listen to me.
3:53 Unless you change your deceitful ways, I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you.
3:58 Bard Simpson. How'd you know my name?
4:01 Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs.
4:04 You're listed as collateral.
4:05 Oh, I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future.
4:10 Who says I'm not?
4:12 Whoa!
4:13 If you want to see your future, throw a treasured personal item into the fire.
4:18 Okay.
4:20 Not a firecracker! Hey, I bought it from a guy on your reservation.
4:24 That's crazy talk. No, it's true. No, I know.
4:27 That's my brother, Crazy Talk. We're all a little worried about him.
4:31 Now, look into the flame.
4:34 Look ahead 30 years to the man you will become.
4:43 Ooh, that's me in the future?
4:45 Quiet, you're about to see something.
4:52 Check, check.
4:53 Hello, Capital City.
4:56 Way to make a guitar, Sears. Hey, Bart. Any clean towels?
5:00 Nah.
5:01 Use this.
5:02 I'm sick of having to dry myself with a newspaper.
5:06 You could at least do some laundry. I pay the rent.
5:09 Dude, you know I'm good for it. I'll have plenty of money when my lawsuit pays off.
5:13 You mean the spider bite at Disneyland?
5:16 Or the incident with the over-salted fries.
5:20 Hologram for Bart Simpson.
5:24 Hey, dingus, your band can play at my club tonight.
5:28 Yes!
5:29 But I can only pay you in popcorn, shrimp.
5:33 Smell you later!
5:36 I can't believe smell you later replaced goodbye.
5:39 Smell you later!
5:41 Right, we got our first gig!
5:43 But you traded your amplifier for a boogie board.
5:46 No problem, I'll just mooch some green off my folks.
5:48 Should we take the hover bus or the non-hover bus?
5:52 Non-hover.
5:58 Blech!
5:58 This virtual fudge tastes like crap.
6:02 Not half as good as cyber fudge.
6:06 Yo, it's me.
6:10 Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!
6:13 Don't you mean present?
6:15 Right, right, present. Anyway, can I get you some Soylent Green?
6:18 Isn't that made of people?
6:20 Oh, here we go. Hey, Dad. My band finally got a break.
6:24 I just need a little moolah to get my amp out of hot.
6:27 How about a little Loneski?
6:29 Oh, I'm tired of giving you money.
6:31 Why can't you be more like Lisa?
6:34 I am so sick of hearing about Lisa.
6:36 Just because she's doing a little better than me...
6:39 She's President of the United States.
6:41 President-elect.
6:42 I could have been President, but I'm too real.
6:44 People can't deal with what I'm laying down.
6:46 They're just like, whoa, dude, you can't say that.
6:49 And I'm like, watch me.
6:51 We're not giving you money.
6:52 Oh, but I want some.
6:54 You should have thought of that before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute.
7:02 What happened to you, man? Used to be cool.
7:04 I'm still cool.
7:05 Nah, you've changed, man.
7:08 Well, I do have this robotic prostate, but you can't see it.
7:11 Oh, you can.
7:17 Flanders is a soft touch. He'll give us the money for sure.
7:21 Jesus, is that you?
7:24 Mr.
7:24 Flanders, you're blinded it.
7:27 Oh, yeah.
7:28 I never should have had that trendy laser surgery.
7:30 It was great at first, but, you know, at the ten-year mark, your eyes fall out.
7:34 Listen, dude. Oh, hi, Bart.
7:37 How much this time? Dude, you got me all wrong.
7:40 Yeah.
7:41 Just answer me this. Are you holding your moochin' sack?
7:43 My little one. Bart, you're never gonna grow up if I keep bailing you out.
7:48 then please help me help myself.
7:51 Oh, all right. But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.
8:01 Hey, y'all ready to party?
8:06 Now we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffet song, but he uncoolly charges people to cover them.
8:12 So here's a Captain Bart original.
8:16 Wasted once more in that the root of ill...
8:20 Ripper!
8:21 Get off the stage!
8:24 Hey, you fuck!
8:26 Need more power?
8:28 The shield won't hold much longer!
8:41 Oh, no, I've got half a beer in there. and Bewitched is on.
8:46 Now we've got no home, no money, and our band's going nowhere, and it's all your fault.
8:51 Smell you later, Bart.
8:53 Smell you later forever.
8:57 Oh, he's right.
8:59 I'm a loser.
9:00 There's only one way out of this mess.
9:06 From around the globe to your frontal lobe, this is Brain Vision News.
9:11 Tonight's winning lotto number, 4-4-6.
9:14 Damn, I was so close. I had 327.
9:17 In other news, President-elect Lisa Simpson moves into the White House tomorrow.
9:20 The 17-bedroom home features free long-distance, laundry service, and three food kitchens.
9:26 So I'm the president's no-good brother.
9:28 Moochie Moochie.
9:32 Lisa's the president? I'm a pathetic loser?
9:35 I gotta be honest, I'm not loving this vision.
9:38 The fire has more wisdom to impart to you.
9:41 In three, two...
9:47 1596...
9:52 1598...
9:53 1600.
9:56 Sweet.
9:57 Excellent question.
9:58 Yes, I am proud to be America's first straight female president.
10:03 Helen, wasn't I wearing a hat? Yes, yes you were.
10:07 Now in conclusion, my administration will focus on the three R's.
10:12 Reading, writing, and refilling the ocean.
10:15 Thank you very much.
10:21 As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump.
10:25 How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten?
10:28 We're broke. The country is broke?
10:31 How can that be?
10:33 Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children?
10:37 Big mistake.
10:39 The balanced breakfast program just created a generation of ultra-strong super criminals.
10:44 And midnight basketball taught them to function without sleep.
10:46 What about my pledge to build the world's largest bookmobile?
10:50 Isn't there any money left for that?
10:51 No.
10:52 And we borrowed from every country in the world.
10:54 Quick, Lisa! Call off your...
10:56 Bart!
10:57 Ow!
10:58 Watch the ponytail.
10:59 Let him up, please.
11:01 What are you doing here? I knew you'd need some help keeping it real,
11:05 so I figured I could be, like, your co-president.
11:09 Co-president? Are you crazy?
11:11 Mom, Lisa won't share!
11:14 Be nice to your brother, Lisa.
11:21 Don't you think we should wait for Lisa?
11:23 She is the president.
11:24 She knows what time dinner is.
11:34 Sorry I'm late.
11:36 I've been racking my brain trying to think of something to cut from the budget.
11:44 Hey, where's Maggie?
11:46 Here she is. And look how big she's gotten.
11:50 Aw, just like her mommy, Maggie Sr.
11:53 So, what did everyone do today?
11:56 Appointed a Supreme Court justice.
11:58 Oh.
11:58 Bewitched marathon.
12:00 Search for Lincoln's gold. Dad, that's just a myth.
12:03 Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House.
12:06 Then what is his ghost protecting?
12:09 Hey, that's my helicopter.
12:11 Yeah, I sent it to pick up Ralph. No one was using it.
12:16 I fell out two times.
12:18 Bart, you do not send a billion-dollar helicopter to pick up your drinking buddy.
12:23 You've changed, Lisa. You used to be cool.
12:25 No, I didn't.
12:27 I am proud to honor the players of the Negro Leagues of Rollerball.
12:30 And as we strive for the desegregation of all death sports,
12:34 we cannot help but be inspired by... Ed's...
12:41 Hey,
12:44 you guys owe me a frisbee. A new one.
12:47 Bart, get out of here. Relax, Elise. You'll live longer.
12:51 I can't relax.
12:52 Being president is hard work. Maybe you should try doing something with your life.
12:56 I'm gonna.
12:57 Yeah, did you even call about that messenger job?
12:59 Yeah, but they said I wouldn't get my first check for two weeks.
13:02 Meanwhile, they're making major interest on my salary.
13:06 Hey, maybe I could sue them.
13:09 Four score and four, four score and five, four score and six, four score and seven paces.
13:16 Wait!
13:17 How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold?
13:20 You just started counting from an arbitrary place.
13:23 I started what from a what? Your plan makes no sense.
13:26 Gold bars discovered by Marge?
13:29 Zero.
13:30 Gold bars discovered by Homer?
13:32 Well, let's just see.
13:35 Oops, sorry, honey. Gold bars discovered by Homer?
13:38 Shut up. If I'm gonna bail the country out, I'll have to raise taxes.
13:43 But in my speech, I'd like to avoid calling it a painful emergency tax.
13:47 What about colossal salary grab? See, that has the same problem.
13:52 We need to soften the blow. Well, if you just want to out and out lie...
13:58 Okay.
13:59 We could call it a temporary refund adjustment.
14:03 I love it. Really?
14:04 What else do you love, Lisa?
14:07 Fiscal solvency.
14:08 Oh, yeah, me too. 30 seconds, Madam President.
14:11 Hey, Lisa, I need a favor. Not now, Bart.
14:13 I'm about to speak to 100 million people.
14:15 This speech could make or break my presidency.
14:17 I hear you.
14:18 All I want you to do is play my demo tape in the background while you're yakking about
14:21 whatever. Now, this play button is a little screwed up, so you gotta hold it down.
14:25 Are you insane?
14:26 What? You told me I should do something with my life.
14:29 Five seconds.
14:32 Mom!
14:35 My fellow Americans and voting illegal aliens, I will not mince words.
14:40 Your country needs you. That's why today I'm proposing a temporary refund adjustment.
14:46 Refund? Hey, sounds good to me. Sure beats a tax.
14:49 We love you, President Simpson. The months ahead will be long and arduous,
14:54 but it is only through arduosity that...
14:56 If you like refund adjustments and the music I play,
15:01 send a check to my friend Ralph, and he'll mail you a tape.
15:06 Ah, this is my brother Bart,
15:09 who doesn't seem to realize this isn't the best time for his music.
15:13 He's one of the people I want to help with my programs.
15:15 Hey, Lise,
15:16 my music is going to make it a lot easier for America to swallow your big tax hike.
15:20 Tax hike? Hold the phone, Mabel. You know I never trusted her.
15:24 Don't blame me. I voted for Chastity Bono.
15:27 They like a man who went to my tape.
15:30 Tape? He say tape, oh. Post office box 30452.
15:36 Good night, America.
15:37 And we're out. Why, you little... Help!
15:41 Secret service!
15:44 Ah!
15:47 According to polls,
15:48 Americans have emphatically said smell you later to President Simpson's refund adjustment.
15:53 And that's the news.
15:55 We'll smell you later at 11.
15:58 Thanks a lot, Bart.
15:59 All right, how can we pay off our foreign debt?
16:02 I'm afraid it looks pretty grim.
16:03 We're going to have to give them the amber waves of grain,
16:05 the Purple Mountains Majesty, and the shores of Tripoli.
16:07 We don't own the shores of Tripoli. Shh.
16:09 By the time they find out, we'll have taken our cyanide pills.
16:12 Whoa, whoa, whoa. No!
16:13 Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here and gently remind them of America's
16:18 past generosity?
16:19 Yeah, not that I like.
16:21 Oh, but Bart could screw everything up. You want him eliminated?
16:25 No, just keep him out of my hair. Out of your hair with extreme severity?
16:28 No!
16:29 Come on, every president gets three secret murders.
16:31 If you don't use them, by the end of the term, they're gone.
16:34 All right, which one of you suits ran over my moped?
16:37 I just put a dollar's worth of gas in that thing.
16:38 Bart, we're having a meeting. We had a meeting this morning.
16:41 I have a lot of meetings. I'm the president.
16:43 Of what? The United States of Dorksylvania?
16:47 Don't leave me hanging, Greenspan.
16:51 You know something, Bart? You're right.
16:53 My lack of coolness is really holding America back.
16:56 Thank you. Down low.
16:58 Too slow.
17:00 You're too much, Bart.
17:02 That's why I'm appointing you secretary of keeping it real.
17:06 Wow.
17:07 You're really asking for my help? Absolutely.
17:09 I want you and your pals to go away to Camp David and write up a report on coolness.
17:14 Well, if my country needs me, can we skinny dip?
17:18 At Camp David?
17:20 Sure.
17:21 They couldn't keep pants on Kissinger.
17:26 Settle down.
17:29 I invite you guys here to help me with this report.
17:32 Any ideas?
17:33 Let's start off with a joke. I got one.
17:36 Give me that.
17:37 What's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake?
17:40 I don't know any pancakes that were nuked by India.
17:44 Ha-ha.
17:46 What, too soon? Come on, people.
17:49 We gotta buckle down here.
17:50 When we're finished, we can go through Bill Clinton's porno stash.
17:54 We're out of my store!
17:57 Get rid of it!
18:05 Lisa's counting on me for this coolness report.
18:08 Coolness report?
18:09 You've been had, boy.
18:11 Billy Carter's ghost?
18:12 Damn straight.
18:13 And I'm here to tell you, you've been sent on a wild goose chase.
18:16 You mean Lisa wanted to get rid of me? Well, that's a big ten-four.
18:20 When my brother Jimmy was making peace in the Middle East,
18:22 he sent me to Belly Flop Academy.
18:25 I guess I am an embarrassment. You sure are.
18:28 And hey, there's an embarrassment to riches at the Caesars Pow Wow Engine Casino.
18:33 You can bet on it.
18:36 You put an ad in my vision?
18:38 Yeah, Crazy Talk came up with that.
18:41 He got idea from Dancers with Focus Groups.
18:48 March, I did it! I found Lincoln's gold!
18:55 Dear country man, you have come in search of my gold and I will not disappoint you.
19:00 Boy, oh boy, oh boy. My gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American.
19:05 Ah, crap.
19:06 It's in our mighty rivers.
19:08 Our majestic...
19:09 Well, isn't that clever?
19:11 It's a metaphor.
19:13 That lion, rail-splitting, cedar-going freak.
19:18 Pay your debts! And do them all! We demand remittance.
19:21 Please, calm down.
19:23 We can work something out.
19:24 We Germans are not a warlike people.
19:27 But even we have limits. Right, let's bash an organ.
19:31 Get him. That's the spirit.
19:33 You guys should relax.
19:34 You'll live longer.
19:36 Bart, you're supposed to be at Camp David.
19:39 You're meeting with debt collectors and you don't want my help?
19:42 Do you know how crazy that is? Guys, the thing is, we totally have the money.
19:46 and we tried to wire it to you. But you know how banks grew up.
19:50 I do not understand.
19:52 We tried to call you all day Saturday.
19:54 We were there Saturday.
19:55 Dude, I know. I left a message with some guy named Hans.
19:59 Hans?
20:00 He might have been a temp.
20:01 Very surly. We have had a lot of turnover.
20:04 You pay now.
20:05 Now. What happened to you, China?
20:08 You used to be cool.
20:09 Hey, China's still cool. You pay later. Later.
20:12 Solid. The rest of you go on home and look in your mailboxes.
20:15 because I totally remember sending checks out.
20:19 That's just a good idea.
20:20 That was it.
20:25 Thanks, Bart. You bought us some time.
20:28 What can I do to thank you?
20:29 Legalize it. Legalize what?
20:33 Oh.
20:34 Oh, consider it done.
20:36 Tasty.
20:37 That calls for some toonskies.
20:42 Oh, great.
20:43 Anyone have a paperclip?
20:48 It gets kind of hazy after that.
20:50 Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold?
20:54 I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin.
20:57 Anyway, the point is, you still have the power to change your future.
21:01 I'll do my best. You're a good kid.
21:03 Here's a coupon for some crab claws.
21:06 Hey, this is expired.
21:11 There you are. Come on, we have to go. Dad pushed a waitress and Mom lost $20,000.
21:20 You're not gonna believe it, Lise. This cool Indian guy showed me our future.
21:24 Really? Anything good? I'll say. I've got my own band.
21:28 And a moped.
21:29 What about me? Eh, some government job.
21:46 Thank you.
22:18 Moochie Moochie

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Ralph Wiggum, Groundskeeper Willie, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Üter Zörker, Bill Clinton, Sandeep Nahasapeemapetilon, Trucker 2, Woodrow Wilson, Arthur Crandall, Gabbo, Harry S. Truman, Billy Carter, Helen Thomas, Maggie Simpson Jr., Ted Kennedy, Tribal Chief, William Howard Taft

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character