Days of Wine and D'oh'ses

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 18. First aired April 9, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Days of Wine and D'oh'ses”: “professor Barney Talkative coherent even insightful cheers drunk” — professor Barney Talkative coherent even insightful cheers drunk

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About the episode

Ashamed of a video of his drunken birthday party, Barney Gumble sobers up through Alcoholics Anonymous and takes the helicopter lessons he got as a joke gift, leading to a falling-out with Homer. Chasing a winning phone book cover photo, Bart drops a hot flashbulb that sets Mount Springfield ablaze, and Barney flies to rescue him and Lisa, with Homer downing a six-pack to keep his friend sober.

Written by: Dan Castellaneta and Deb Lacusta
Directed by: Neil Affleck
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: I was not touched 'there' by an angel
Couch gag: Ullman Shorts Family
Production code: BABF14

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

339 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
1:24 Ah, trash night. In France, they call it la nuit de poubelle.
1:29 In Germany, it's Krappenfest.
1:31 I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year.
1:35 Quit cabin and start grabbin'. And remember,
1:37 the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice.
1:40 See?
1:41 A new pacifier for Maggie.
1:44 Looky here.
1:46 Cardi-board tubes.
1:48 Now we can have indoor plumbing, just like they got at the women's lockup.
1:52 They spoiled you, Brandy. Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.
1:59 Ha!
2:00 Looks like Newhouse's mom finally threw out his blankie.
2:03 He'll pay a lot to get this back.
2:05 Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.
2:12 Shh! Quiet!
2:14 It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs.
2:17 Leon Spinks comics.
2:19 Worst crossover ever.
2:30 Shooter!
2:35 Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.
2:38 Dad, that's a sports bra. All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.
2:43 Look, Dad, barber hair!
2:46 Ooh, Italian.
2:49 Hey, Vinny, how's the powder pizza?
2:52 I got an old job.
2:54 Mamma Mia!
2:55 Look what the Hawaiian restaurant threw out.
2:59 Get out of my dreams and into my car.
3:04 I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.
3:08 Good Lord, that's gas.
3:15 Behold, I am King Talky Tiki.
3:20 Hey, Blanders.
3:21 Can your god do that?
3:24 Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so...
3:27 I am your god now.
3:32 You can't just reroute the gas line.
3:35 Do you know how dangerous that is? Do not anger, talky-cheeky.
3:39 I am all power.
3:41 I'll be at mode.
3:45 So he says to the cop, no, you're driving under the influence of being a jerk.
3:55 Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face?
3:57 You glum or something?
3:59 Huh, glummy?
4:00 You know, it was my birthday last week and no one remembered.
4:04 What are you, nuts?
4:05 I threw you a party at my house.
4:07 You lie!
4:08 Why would I not remember my own...
4:13 ...birthday? But we did have a shindig for you, Barney.
4:16 We even videotaped it. Look.
4:22 Oh, that's it, baby.
4:23 Oh, for Mo.
4:25 Oh, yeah, work the slot. Show me the package.
4:28 Whoa, that's a project I'm working on. Sorry.
4:33 Okay, Mom, we're rolling. I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion.
4:38 Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast.
4:42 Bart, give me that.
4:46 I'm just saying that when we die,
4:49 There's gonna be a planet for the French a planet for the Chinese and we'll all be a lot
4:54 happier Mr.. Gumball you're upsetting me.
4:57 Oh, I'm not
4:59 Is that what I look like when I'm drunk you wish that's the stage we call
5:05 professor Barney Talkative coherent even insightful cheers drunk
5:13 I'm off to market
5:17 Marge, you're making a complete fool of your...
5:20 Oh, it's just Barney.
5:26 Precious alcohol soaking in the shag.
5:36 How embarrassing.
5:37 How did this happen? How about you've had that for a while?
5:41 Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.
5:44 Oh, I'm a disgrace.
5:47 Disgracepily hilarious.
5:49 You passed out before we could even give you your presents.
5:52 I still got mine.
5:53 Barney, I got you with no drug could do without.
5:55 Morning after stationary.
5:59 And I got your helicopter flying lessons.
6:02 Can you imagine this booze bag at the wheel of a whirlybird?
6:05 It'd be all look at me.
6:07 I'm a tanked up loser in a helicopter.
6:12 Ah, anyway, happy B-Day, Funkin'.
6:17 So, I'm a tanked-up loser?
6:20 Is that how you see me?
6:22 Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tanking up.
6:29 Hey, hey, where you going?
6:30 I'll show you.
6:32 I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons.
6:34 Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly.
6:37 I mean, it's not like driving a car. then I'm gonna quit drinking.
6:42 No, I mean it.
6:45 You won't see me here again, ever.
6:52 Wait, that ain't funny. He's my best customer.
6:55 Well, the handwriting's on the wall.
6:57 To stay afloat, this bar's gonna have to go queer.
6:59 You mean it's not?
7:01 Wrong again, gay guy to Springfield.
7:10 Farewell, my long-necked friends.
7:19 All right, world.
7:21 Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumbel.
7:27 Whee!
7:28 Give me a beer. I knew you'd be back.
7:32 Santeria, you're the greatest.
7:35 Barney, didn't you say you were gonna stop drinking?
7:37 I know, but it's so hard.
7:41 Please help me, Homer.
7:42 You came to the right guy.
7:44 I'll straighten you out right after I finish this beer.
7:54 Oh, man, that's sweet.
7:57 Okay, let's go.
7:58 My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
8:03 I feel for you, Pally, but you want AA.
8:05 This is AAA. Oh, my name is Homer, and I'm planning a trip to St.
8:09 Louis. East St. Louis.
8:11 Is there any other St. Louis?
8:19 Welcome back, Homer.
8:21 I see you finally hit rock bottom.
8:24 Not a chance. I can sink way lower. I just came to help my friend Barney.
8:29 We all know why we're here, don't we? To keep ourselves sober and to network.
8:34 So let's get started. Well, after I lost my third job in two days,
8:38 old Gil was in a pit of despair.
8:40 And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic.
8:43 Oh, no, I never touch the stuff.
8:44 But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.
8:48 Now, this is used crankcase oil, which you ladies know is murder to clean up, you know.
8:54 And company's coming.
8:55 Ah, you're doing this at the worst possible time.
8:58 Ah, your finger's in my eye.
9:01 I have a problem with alcohol and I need help.
9:04 Well, your recovery begins today,
9:07 and we promise you all the sugar cookies and secondhand smoke you can handle The sugar
9:11 cookies you speak of, are they real or symbolic?
9:15 They're on that table over there Oh,
9:17 I don't want to walk that far Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth
9:23 doing, get it?
9:25 Huh?
9:26 12?
9:27 Ha ha ha, steps!
9:29 Yee hee!
9:30 Hey, how did I get out here?
9:35 Hurt everyone!
9:37 Did Gaga just say hurt everyone?
9:39 Gaga, cute name. The Springfield phone book needs a new cover.
9:44 It does?
9:45 Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize.
9:50 To enter, send your film to this address.
9:52 Too quick? Try again.
9:54 Did you get it? Here it is.
9:55 Coming in from the left.
9:57 Don't delay, do it today.
9:59 You think we should enter? Well, it shouldn't be too hard to beat the old photo.
10:06 Hmm.
10:07 It's gotta be here somewhere.
10:08 Hmm.
10:11 Hey, here's a camera!
10:14 And it's still got a roll of film in it.
10:17 Man, these old cameras are really built solid.
10:20 All right, we need that to win the contest.
10:22 Win the what now?
10:29 Here goes.
10:31 So he's so busy worrying about the front rotor, he walks right into the back one.
10:37 Only in this business.
10:39 I'd like to sign up for helicopter lessons.
10:42 Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds.
10:47 I got a coupon.
10:48 Okay, get in.
10:52 Elvis played a chopper pilot one time.
10:55 He made so many darn mistakes.
10:58 We were just laughing at him. Great singer, though.
11:01 Oh, absolutely.
11:02 You know who else I like is that Leo Sayer.
11:06 Anyway, we're nice and level now.
11:08 How'd you like to take the controls?
11:10 You think I'm ready?
11:12 Sure I do.
11:13 One sec. Testing. Black box. One, two.
11:19 She's all yours, friend.
11:26 Hey, I think I'm getting it. Yes, that's great.
11:31 Now let's just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here.
11:34 Oh,
11:37 I'm sorry about that. It's okay.
11:40 That's what the diapers are for.
11:44 Now, when the mama bird returns to feed her babies, we'll have a prize-winning picture.
11:49 Lisa, people these days don't want to see a baby bird.
11:52 They want to see celebrities at their worst.
11:57 Is that Rainier Wolf Castle? Check out the gut.
12:00 It's for a movie.
12:02 I'm playing a fat secret agent.
12:08 Hey, Alma.
12:09 No, no, no, don't sit there.
12:11 Take this seat right next to the tap. But that's Barney's seat.
12:15 Are you trying to make me the new Barney?
12:17 Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.
12:20 Someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging.
12:23 Well, forget it, guys. I am not Bernie.
12:30 See, Homma? It's not so bad.
12:32 Now dance, Rummy.
12:34 Okay.
12:42 You danced for hours just because they told you to.
12:45 If I didn't I'd lose their respect
13:01 No,
13:01 you missed some big changes at modes he hangs newspapers over the urinals now You can read
13:07 the sports page while you pee very La-dee-dah I've made some big changes too.
13:13 Can you believe I'm flying this helicopter?
13:16 Power lines! Power lines! Whoops, sorry.
13:20 When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's.
13:24 Wasted?
13:24 What about our staring contest?
13:26 And the way we always knew what football coaches should have done.
13:29 Remember the day we jumped that census guy and stole his clicker?
13:33 Those are all priceless memories, Homer, but I don't want to do that stuff anymore.
13:38 Oh, so you're better than me. Is that it?
13:41 I didn't say that.
13:43 Take me home. Oh, don't be that way Homer scream.
13:46 Okay, okay
13:52 So how was the ride with Barney? I don't want to talk about it
14:09 Stupid Barney thinks he's too good for me.
14:12 Cheer up, homie. You don't need friends to be happy.
14:16 I haven't had a friend in years.
14:18 But you got me.
14:19 Who have I got?
14:21 Well, you still have Lenny and Carl.
14:24 Aw, Lenny and Carl suck.
14:26 Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost him as friends...
14:30 Look, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to work it out.
14:33 Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC, We're the Falcon and the Snowman.
14:39 Oh, why can't I have a nickname?
14:46 Okay, that's it.
14:49 Looks good.
14:51 Oh, Bart, the bulldog didn't ante.
14:54 Okay, on three.
14:56 One, two... Perfect!
14:58 Fun book cover, here I come!
15:01 Hey, no fair!
15:03 We'll never get a good picture. Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head?
15:08 That picture's a cliché. Picture?
15:15 Hey, Appu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea?
15:18 I need to do a little spring cleaning.
15:21 They're in the safety cabinet. I'll get the key.
15:26 Oh, hello, Homer.
15:28 Barney.
15:29 Beer, huh?
15:30 That's right.
15:31 Enjoy.
15:32 That I will.
15:33 Then we agree. You keep thinking that. I will.
15:36 Me too. Good day then. Good day then is right.
15:38 Ta-ta-ta.
15:41 Hey, you did not pay for that beer.
15:48 Boy, you can see everything from Mount Springfield.
15:51 The squid port, the old monorail, the Play-Doh factory.
15:58 Crescent Moon! Crescent Moon!
16:03 Come on, Springfield. Sparkle for me, baby.
16:06 That's it.
16:07 Heads up!
16:08 Ow!
16:10 Barge, that's hot.
16:11 I said heads up.
16:20 Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people badmouth you and focus on how you suck.
16:25 But not me.
16:26 To me, you're true blue. Oh,
16:29 thanks big guy now dance from me Hi,
16:32 mo well if it isn't
16:37 a little miss I'm not wasting my life anymore which he is Oh,
16:42 I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years now
16:48 that's okay bond No, it's not okay.
16:50 I broke bar stools Befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table which
16:56 I then befouled Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
17:00 This is a Channel 6 news bulletin.
17:03 Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield, trapping two youngsters and their camera.
17:07 Oh, no.
17:08 That's Bart and Lisa.
17:10 Unfortunately,
17:11 fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new
17:14 Burt Reynolds movie, Fireball and Mudflap.
17:17 I caught up with Burt on the set.
17:19 So, Burt, tell us a little about Fireball and Mudflap.
17:23 Well, I play Jerry Fireball and Mudflap,
17:25 a feisty Supreme Court justice who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a
17:29 cross-country firetruck race.
17:31 It's garbage.
17:35 Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids.
17:38 I can't. I've never flown solo.
17:40 Barney, the call is from heroism.
17:44 Will you accept the charges?
17:53 Keep going, the fire's that way.
17:56 I know, I know. I haven't learned right turns yet.
17:59 Ah!
18:00 Look out!
18:01 No!
18:09 I can't do this. My nerves are shot.
18:19 Beer!
18:20 That's what I need! Bernie!
18:22 No!
18:23 Don't! Yes! I need it!
18:26 No!
18:27 You've got to be sober for this! Give me that!
18:30 It's warm.
18:33 You can't drink them all! Oh, yes, I can!
18:36 Give me that!
18:44 I won't let you give up now.
18:46 When you've worked so hard to be the greatest pal in the world.
18:51 I love you.
18:53 Let's not lose touch after graduation.
18:59 You brave man.
19:01 You took six silver bullets for me. Stay away from my wife.
19:08 Looks like it's up to me.
19:22 We should be safe up here.
19:24 I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.
19:26 Ow!
19:27 Dead!
19:27 Nice, kid!
19:29 Hang on! I'll throw you a ladder!
19:38 Get off!
19:48 Dad, help!
19:50 All right, I'm coming.
19:54 Let me know if you're going to do that again, Homer.
20:11 You did it, Dad!
20:12 You can't prove I did it. No, you saved our lives.
20:18 I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
20:21 What?
20:22 Now there's a picture.
20:31 Kids!
20:31 The new phone books are here, and your picture's on the cover!
20:36 All right! Cool, let me see!
20:41 Isn't that adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film.
20:45 Aw, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.
20:48 Well, at least we won the bike.
20:51 Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage.
20:56 What? How could you? Just kidding. I would never do that.
21:06 Well, I'm glad we're friends again.
21:08 Yeah. So what do you call this stuff? A double tall mocha latte.
21:15 It's not bad.
21:16 Well, it ain't beer.
21:18 At least I got that monkey off my back.
21:30 Nobody gets away from Moe.
21:33 Nobody.
22:24 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Santa's Little Helper, Snowball II, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Bernice Hibbert, Comic Book Guy, Cletus Spuckler, Rainier Wolfcastle, Raphael, Brandine Spuckler, Arnie Pye, Gil Gunderson, Lindsey Naegle, Roscoe, Susan, Teletubbies

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character