Kill the Alligator and Run

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 19. First aired April 30, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Days of Wine and D'oh'ses Last Tap Dance in Springfield → The whole episode as text

From “Kill the Alligator and Run”: “Aren't you TV?” — Aren't you TV?

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About the episode

A magazine quiz gives Homer three years to live, and the panic leaves him sleepless and unhinged, so the family heads to Florida for a quiet rest that turns out to be spring break. Homer crashes Kid Rock's beach concert, then runs over Captain Jack, the town's beloved alligator, with an airboat, and the Simpsons flee a vindictive sheriff, hiding out as workers at a roadside diner.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Jen Kamerman
Guest stars: Robert Evans; Charlie Rose; Joe C.; Kid Rock; Diedrich Bader as Sheriff
Chalkboard gag: I am not here on a fartball scholarship.
Couch gag: Burning Coal
Production code: BABF16

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

346 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:23 There's the mail, Dad.
1:24 That'll be $3 for on-couch delivery.
1:27 And three makes three.
1:30 This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia.
1:33 It'll be real soon enough.
1:35 Ooh, my first issue of self-test monthly.
1:38 Finally, I get to find out what makes me tick.
1:40 I'm betting it's hunger and rage. Yeah, but in what ratio?
1:44 Are you a good driver?
1:46 Yes.
1:46 Are you a good lover?
1:49 Yes. Oh, I'm doing great. Dad, those are just the names of the quizzes.
1:53 You're supposed to open the magazine.
1:55 My way is easier. Why don't you be the quiz master and ask other people the questions?
2:00 Oh, quiz master, yes.
2:02 That would entertain me briefly.
2:04 Okay, Flanders, your love quiz score is 61.
2:08 That makes you a Frigid Frida.
2:10 I took off 30 points for all that crying you did.
2:14 Well, that was a little insensitive giving me a sex test,
2:17 seeing that my wife just passed away. No way!
2:20 When?
2:21 Six months ago.
2:22 You were at the funeral. You fell into the grave.
2:25 Oh, yeah. I saw a gopher. What a day.
2:30 Okay, last question. Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?
2:34 Oh, the little rat-faced one. No, no, no.
2:37 Nick.
2:38 He's so good to his mother.
2:40 According to this, you're both idiots.
2:42 Hey, thanks.
2:43 What do we owe you?
2:46 Okay, there's a black widow at your door, a rattlesnake at the window,
2:50 and a scorpion on the phone. Do you A, none of the below, B...
2:55 Only for God's sakes, it's 2 a.m. Fine, I'll take the next quiz.
3:01 How long will you live? In an average week, how many braised ribs do you eat?
3:07 Marge, do you think that counts honey braised?
3:09 I don't know.
3:11 I'm trying to sleep.
3:15 Okay, non-smoker at eight years.
3:21 So according to this, I'll live to be...
3:23 42?
3:24 Oh, that's horrible.
3:27 I won't even live to see my children die.
3:33 Now what's wrong?
3:35 I've only got three more years to live. Maybe you added it wrong.
3:39 Let me have it.
3:43 See?
3:44 And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge.
3:46 They're put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business.
3:51 Honey, don't panic.
3:53 If you just made a few lifestyle changes...
3:56 No!
4:00 Can't sleep.
4:02 Gonna die.
4:04 Can't sleep.
4:05 Gonna die. We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans.
4:09 Now, before you did The Godfather, there was Love Story.
4:12 Tell us about that. Ah, Love Story. The little picture that could.
4:16 Was Paramount chopping at the bit to make it?
4:19 You better believe they weren't. But once that tear-jerky hit John Q.
4:22 Popcorn, it was Bafo Boohoo Box Office all the way.
4:25 And the critics loved it, too.
4:27 I remember Vincent Canby said, I'm gonna kill you, Homer.
4:31 You are so dead.
4:33 Now, Chinatown was a classic. Who'd get problems with the sequel, The Two Jakes?
4:39 Oh, boy.
4:40 Disappointed. I had the blues like Chasen's at Chili.
4:42 I said to myself, Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one.
4:47 Kill Homer Simpson.
4:50 Hey, what's all the screaming?
4:52 Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know.
4:54 Maybe you should see a doctor, homie. A head doctor.
4:57 I'm not crazy.
4:59 It's a TV that's crazy!
5:00 Aren't you TV?
5:02 The crisis, Charlie Bluedoin's birthday.
5:04 The solution, a snappy banner.
5:06 Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Town, and six drafts later, I had myself a party.
5:11 You see?
5:12 Gibberish. All gibberish.
5:16 So, tell me, are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping?
5:21 Well, we've got a solar flex down at HQ.
5:23 Anyway, everything looks great, Mr. Burns.
5:26 I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely.
5:31 You gotta hide me. Death is after me. And I don't entirely trust these cowboys.
5:36 Is this man an employee?
5:38 Of course not. He's just a harmless maniac.
5:43 Here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity.
5:46 Oh, God, what's he doing?
5:49 That's it.
5:50 That's it. A mother can't die, and I'm a mother, see?
5:59 You hate your father, don't you? Sometimes, but the guy I really hated, your father.
6:05 I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting.
6:07 Anywho, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia,
6:10 which is provoking your erratic behavior.
6:13 Why isn't my baby gaining weight? Because it's made of plastic.
6:17 I see.
6:18 What you need is a good long rest. I suggest Florida.
6:22 Florida?
6:23 But that's America's wing.
6:25 They prefer the Sunshine State.
6:28 Mom, Bart's sitting next to me. Mom, Lisa's growing.
6:32 Quiet, you two.
6:33 You know your father's had a breakdown.
6:36 My pockets hurt.
6:37 Okay, honey, we're almost upon corners.
6:40 There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax.
6:48 Spring break! Spring break!
6:51 Spring break!
6:52 Oh, no! We came during spring break!
6:56 Take him off the glass!
7:00 This looks like a terrible place to relax.
7:03 We're gonna get you to him, huh?
7:05 Pants!
7:10 Party!
7:12 Woo-hoo!
7:26 This is terrible.
7:28 The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest.
7:31 Show us your boobs! Not now.
7:36 Well, enjoy your sightseeing. I promise I won't leave this bed.
7:41 I trust you, honey.
7:44 Sweet dreams!
7:46 Uh, could you just shut off the...
7:53 Party!
8:00 Now listen, Libby!
8:10 Woo! Sepulveda here! Doing the VJ thing for the most out-of-control spring break ever!
8:16 And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard!
8:19 Ah!
8:20 No!
8:21 Not yet!
8:21 I'm only 25!
8:25 What up, Chew Toys? Sienega here, tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls!
8:30 We got Kid Rock coming up for all you mosh monkeys.
8:33 Woo!
8:34 I like music!
8:38 Yo, yo, straight out of Detroit, y'all.
8:41 It's the J-O-E to the C.
8:43 Let's rock the party with Kid Rock.
8:46 Oh, no, it's a lost child.
8:47 Don't worry, folks, I'll tackle him.
8:55 Yo, Rock, tell Spring Break what your name is.
8:58 My name is Kid
9:12 And if you look to your left, you'll see another endless stretch of stacking water.
9:17 Oh, well, look who turned out to greet us, folks.
9:20 It's our town's most famous resident, Captain Jack.
9:25 Look at the size of that gator. Is he a man-eater?
9:28 Only convicts and hobos. Do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him?
9:32 Pray not.
9:33 Now, years ago,
9:34 Captain Jack helped build palm corners by dragging sticks and stones from the swamps.
9:39 Legend has it, he designed the town flag.
9:42 Say hello, Captain Jack.
9:49 Aw.
9:50 He can crawl up through my toilet any day.
9:55 Thank you.
9:56 It's the pimp of the nation Kid Rock tearing it up his spring break y'all Now
10:01 what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute bring on the wrapping granny
10:08 She's hilarious,
10:10 you know a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party and we're gonna give props to the
10:14 fallen by pouring a 40 on the curb
10:18 But this ain't no 40 ounce curb so we're gonna need 40 gallons y'all
10:28 Obahomers! Obahomers! What the? Hey, who's that fool?
10:32 Yo, let's waste that biatch.
10:34 Biatch?
10:35 Moi?
10:38 Son of a fuck!
10:42 We built this city on rock and roll!
10:50 We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.
10:53 Let's do this thing.
10:56 All right now, boys, that's enough.
10:59 Kid Rock, that's not like you.
11:02 And Josie, would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that?
11:06 No, sir.
11:07 Please don't tell mama. They called you a pig, Sheriff.
11:11 Well, I don't care what they call me, as long as they play Fists of Rage.
11:15 That's a good song.
11:17 Ha, ha.
11:22 Oh, thank goodness.
11:23 Where were you? Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge?
11:29 Fifteen!
11:31 I hope he didn't cause too much trouble, Sheriff.
11:34 Ah, boys will be boys. I reckon he was just blowing off a little stain.
11:38 Doesn't he talk funny?
11:47 My insomnia!
11:48 It's gone!
11:50 Check it out, Marge! I'm sane again!
11:52 And I owe it all to Spring Break!
11:59 I'm an animal!
12:04 Hey, where is everybody?
12:07 Spring Break is over.
12:08 It's time to get back to our studies. The world looks to us, the college students,
12:12 for leadership.
12:13 Fine.
12:13 Be nerds. I'll find some people who know the true meaning of the words.
12:18 Par-tay.
12:26 We built this city.
12:28 This kicked us today.
12:30 What kind of music built this city?
12:34 Rock and roll.
12:37 Dad, look out. Look out for what? The giant gator.
12:41 The giant.
12:50 Oh, no.
12:54 You killed Captain Jack.
12:57 You in a heap of trouble, son.
12:59 You'll have to catch me first.
13:03 Boom, boom, boom.
13:06 Okay, I'll go quietly.
13:11 Did you really have to handcuff the children?
13:13 No, ma'am, I did not.
13:15 You seemed so understanding before.
13:18 What happened to boys will be boys. You see, during spring break,
13:22 the beer companies pay me to look the other way.
13:24 The rest of the year, I'm a real hard ass.
13:27 Okay, sweet pea, you're next.
13:32 Whoa, looks like we got a teeny Houdini here.
13:35 Well, don't you worry, darling. I got some baby cuffs in the station.
13:42 Look, this is our chance.
13:46 Let's go.
13:47 You can't drive, Dad. He's got your license.
13:51 Well, I'm gonna try anyway.
13:53 It worked! It's a miracle!
13:57 Oh, dang it!
13:59 Now, why does that only happen when nobody's looking?
14:09 Pull over! There's no good place!
14:12 There's lots of good places. What about over there?
14:16 No shade!
14:23 Perfect.
14:24 Homer, no!
14:26 You'll kill us all!
14:27 Or die trying.
14:40 Dad,
14:44 what do we do? The only thing we can do, sit tight and try to get some sleep.
15:10 Hey, where's Dad?
15:15 Rise and shine everybody went to the snack car.
15:19 Yeah,
15:19 but first I talked to the engineer He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of
15:24 this nature
15:33 Okay, now am I the only one on fire good
15:41 This family has hit a new low we're on the run from the law Totally lost.
15:46 No car, no money, no clean clothes. And it's all your fault.
15:50 I love being married.
15:59 A diner?
16:00 That's perfect. We can hide out here until the heat's off.
16:09 You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous.
16:13 How do you know I'm going to hire you? Sorry.
16:15 I just want to be a broom boy so bad.
16:17 I like your attitude.
16:19 You're hired.
16:20 How about you, Missy? You want to be a mop girl?
16:22 Not really, no.
16:23 I like your honesty. You're hired. And you two haven't said a word.
16:26 I like that. You're hired.
16:29 Hey, keep it down.
16:32 Y'all can stay in this trailer.
16:34 Now, it ain't Buckingham Palace.
16:36 But I raised eight youngins, three chillins, and a baby here.
16:40 Ew.
16:43 Oh, it's so cozy.
16:46 You're insincere. I like that.
16:53 Can I top you off, hon?
16:56 No, thanks. More hash brown sugar?
16:59 Nah, I'm good.
17:02 Let's just end. Authorities in 6-2 County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives.
17:07 They're charged with Gatorside and defrauding an Amtrak snack bar.
17:12 Trouble with the law, huh?
17:13 Well, I'm not one to judge.
17:15 The way I see it, we're all sinners.
17:21 Y'all just lie low here.
17:23 You'll be safe with old Velma.
17:25 Stop that. But I was just gonna try to knock you out.
17:28 Go on now. Just quit.
17:30 Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care. Jimmy Crack Corn and I'm not there.
17:34 We built this city on rock and roll.
17:39 Something, something day.
17:41 Wow, look at all the stars you can see here.
17:43 Those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them.
17:46 I'm getting used to this country life. Teacher says I'm whittling at a tenth grade level.
17:50 And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.
17:52 Too hot to bicker, I reckon.
17:54 You know, killing that gator was the best decision I ever made.
17:58 Got that right. Durn tootin'. Boy, howdy.
18:00 Yep.
18:01 This place is great.
18:03 Someday when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs.
18:07 Yuck. You mean when they marry other people.
18:10 Okay, but I ain't paying for two weddings.
18:17 Hey, wake up! We're moving!
18:21 You just relax.
18:23 I'll have you in jail by supper time. You'd better.
18:26 Hey, you're stealing my trailer.
18:28 I like that.
18:31 Well, first up is the state of Florida versus the Simpson family.
18:36 Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself.
18:40 Drunken Hicks of the jury.
18:55 We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together.
19:00 No talking.
19:01 You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
19:06 You're beginning to dislike the man with the whip.
19:11 Afternoon, folks. Got a new assignment for you.
19:14 The judge is having a little soiree, and he needs some help.
19:17 Ow!
19:18 No listening.
19:19 You hear me?
19:21 Uh, no.
19:23 You just don't learn, do you?
19:25 Ow!
19:40 Champagne, madam?
19:42 Shut up, and the gentleman?
19:45 God damn it!
19:46 Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up.
19:49 Well, what am I supposed to do?
19:53 Ow!
19:57 Okay, Bart.
19:59 I'll sweet-talk the sheriff while you grab his keys.
20:01 What should I do?
20:02 We stock the possum bar. We're almost out of claws.
20:05 Oh.
20:06 My goodness, what a lot of fun. Lovely suit, Sheriff.
20:10 Is that Searsucker?
20:11 Nah, not on a civil servant's salary.
20:13 It's Nearsucker. Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
20:17 Yep, it's coming along, huh?
20:19 You should see it in August after the horsefly's been getting at it.
20:22 Ooh, man.
20:23 Dang, I wish I could. But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
20:27 Well, now.
20:29 I might could switch you to dead animal pickup.
20:33 Hey!
20:34 Run!
20:49 Nice try.
20:50 I guess we just haven't been whipping you enough.
20:54 Six alive!
20:58 Our beloved Captain Jack isn't dead after all.
21:04 Well, don't that beat all. I guess you folks just stunned him.
21:08 That's what we've been trying to tell you.
21:12 Well, looks like you folks are free to go.
21:14 But don't you set foot and stay to Florida again.
21:16 Fine.
21:17 There are plenty of other states that are happy to have us.
21:22 Well, we're still welcoming North Dakota and Arizona.
21:27 Arizona smells funny.
21:31 North Dakota, here we come.
21:33 I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore.
21:35 That's South Dakota.
21:37 No.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Ned Flanders, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mr. Burns, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Becky Shorter, Dowager, Roberta, Trucker 2, Admiral Carstairs, Cienega, Female trucker, Robert Evans, Trucker 1, Captain Jack, Charlie Rose, Joe C., Kid Rock, Sepulveda, Sheriff, Velma

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character