Behind the Laughter

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 22. First aired May 21, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge Treehouse of Horror XI → The whole episode as text

From “Behind the Laughter”: “Fortunately, I had a network connection.” — Fortunately, I had a network connection.

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About the episode

A mock VH1-style documentary presents the Simpsons as a real family playing themselves on TV, tracing their rise from Homer's homemade pilot to fame and fortune. Success brings Homer's painkiller addiction, Marge's doomed business ventures, Bart's arrest and an IRS seizure of their house, until a feud splits them up and the show goes on hiatus. Willie Nelson stages a fake awards show to reunite them.

Written by: Tim Long, George Meyer, Mike Scully and Matt Selman
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Willie Nelson
Chalkboard gag: I will not obey the voices in my head
Couch gag: Magic Fingers
Production code: BABF19

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

311 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:33 Thank you.
1:25 They were the first family of American laughter.
1:37 Surfing a tidal wave of hilarity.
1:41 On to the sands of Superstar Bay.
1:45 But behind the chortles, this funny fivesome was trapped in a private hell.
1:52 Everybody wanted a piece of us. They told us what to wear, how to dress,
1:57 which clothes we should put on. The cops found me driving on the sidewalk.
2:01 I had no business hosting the Oscars.
2:04 After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.
2:14 Tonight, The Simpsons, as you've never seen them before, on Behind the Laughter.
2:35 The Simpsons' amazing journey began here in the bustling heartland town of Springfield.
2:40 On this unassuming streak,
2:42 two nobodies named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family.
2:47 First came baby Bart.
2:49 Then, Lisa Simpson.
2:56 And finally, Maggie.
3:01 Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids.
3:05 They almost drove me to Fortified Wine.
3:07 Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV.
3:10 That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
3:14 I'd see them sitting on that couch all day long, just staring at that Hollywood hogwash.
3:19 Our favorite show was Hollywood hogwash, but we also loved the Drek Squad.
3:24 The Milwaukee's, dumbing it down. Sheriff Lowbrow, Home Improvement.
3:30 But we never saw people like us on TV.
3:33 TV families were always hugging and tackling issues.
3:37 Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show.
3:40 Finally, I said, so do it.
3:43 Either or get off the pot.
3:45 And he did.
3:47 Using his home as the studio and his family as the cast,
3:50 this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video.
3:54 My funny family, take one.
3:58 And... action!
3:59 Honey, I'm home!
4:00 The boss is coming to dinner and I need a clean shirt.
4:03 I haven't done the laundry yet.
4:05 Mamma mia!
4:06 Now I'll have to do it!
4:12 Dad, that's too much detergent. Not now!
4:14 I'm busy turning on this washing machine.
4:23 Simpson!
4:24 Where's my dinner? Mamma mia!
4:27 It was amazing how fast Dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show.
4:32 Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
4:38 Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.
4:43 Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up.
4:47 Show business things.
4:52 He tried to show his demo tape to the major networks,
4:57 but couldn't get past the guards.
5:05 Fortunately, I had a network connection.
5:08 The man who cut my hair was also president of Fox.
5:15 The Simpsons had their foot in the door.
5:18 Fox ordered 13 episodes But would the public respond M-E-R
5:24 Okay
5:26 You're almost there Good I
5:29 first
5:40 knew the show was a hit when I walked into school And a kid was wearing a Bart Simpson t
5:43 -shirt Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man
5:48 Suddenly I was invited to every birthday party.
5:51 Sometimes I'd have to read the cake just to know who I was singing to.
5:55 The Simpsons was a smash.
5:57 Viewers couldn't get enough of the show's fractured take on the modern family.
6:01 The funniest stuff came right out of real life.
6:04 Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes.
6:08 Cowabunga, dude!
6:09 And cut.
6:11 Dad, I've never said cowabunga in my life.
6:14 Your script sucks. Well, you little...
6:18 Hey, that's funny.
6:24 And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running
6:30 gags.
6:31 With Simpson merchandise selling like crazy and Simpson gin wedding whistles worldwide,
6:36 the money was pouring in.
6:45 We were using $50 bills as toilet paper, and toilet paper as dog toilet paper.
6:57 Convinced that the good times would never stop rolling,
6:59 the Simpsons moved out of their trademark house and into MC Hammer's.
7:07 We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants.
7:11 I'm wearing some now.
7:18 But pants or no pants, the Simpsons were flying high.
7:22 Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations.
7:24 Brad Hall, Rich Hall, Rich Little, Little Richard.
7:28 But the Simpsons blew them all away.
7:31 They even had a hit record.
7:33 Meanwhile, Crustofenia sits on the shelf.
7:36 None of us had ever sung before, but Mr.
7:38 Geffen believed in us.
7:40 We're gonna prove tonight we'll make you feel alright.
7:44 Simpsons Boogie!
7:47 Simpsons Boogie, lovely to love your lovin',
7:50 in Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys.
7:54 Right, and the award for best hardcore thrash metal goes to...
8:00 Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie!
8:06 For America's favourite family, everything was coming up roses.
8:10 but those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.
8:15 When we come back... I want to set the record straight.
8:19 I thought the cop was a prostitute.
8:24 When Behind the Laughter continues...
8:35 By the end of their first season,
8:37 And the Simpsons were burning up Nielsen boxes in the US and creating a sensation
8:42 overseas. Hello, Mr. Lobster.
8:51 Bathtubs of money, wheelbarrows of awards, fire hoses of respect.
8:56 The Simpsons had it all.
9:06 But behind the streamers and confetti, storm clouds were gathering.
9:12 Figurative storm clouds.
9:14 Homer was spending money like a teenage Arab.
9:18 He bought me a Rolex and cashmere jeans.
9:21 I felt kind of guilty because I was always trying to squall with his wife.
9:25 So when did we start filming?
9:27 Oh.
9:28 Even Bart was throwing dough around.
9:31 He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
9:34 Hey, did we ever get that money?
9:38 But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the
9:44 Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
9:49 Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon.
9:56 The script originally called for me to jump the gorge,
9:59 but I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt.
10:04 Everything was going great at first.
10:05 I felt like I was king of the world.
10:08 I'm king of the world! Woo-hoo!
10:11 Right about here. I realized something's wrong.
10:14 Yep, there I go.
10:16 Then came the rocks.
10:17 Jagged rocks.
10:18 Hitting me with their jags. The sequence became an instant comedy classic.
10:24 But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.
10:34 Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.
10:37 It was the only way he could perform the bone-cracking physical comedy that made him a
10:42 star. This is the worst pain ever!
10:44 Stop pummeling me!
10:46 It's really painful!
10:48 Why did I take such punishment?
10:50 Let's just say that fame was like a drug.
10:53 But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
10:56 But despite their melting problems, the Simpsons star continued to rise,
11:00 like a plastic bag caught in an updraft.
11:03 It was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame.
11:06 I mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela.
11:11 And just a few stars down from the Cheerios Honey Bee.
11:15 Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man.
11:19 We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.
11:23 One time, Lisa bought a first edition of Susan B.
11:26 Anthony Man.
11:27 Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl.
11:30 Where did the money go?
11:32 Marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products.
11:37 I learned something.
11:38 When people reach for their diaphragm, they don't want to see my picture.
11:44 As the Simpsons' money dwindled, their expenses soared.
11:47 From the original group of five, the cast ballooned to dozens,
11:51 then hundreds.
11:55 I've never acted before in my life, but if the sea captain could be in the show,
12:00 why not me? I've even got a catchphrase.
12:03 Yeah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
12:07 Now I lost it.
12:08 Then another bombshell.
12:10 An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.
12:17 Yes, I finked on Homer, but you know, he deserved it.
12:21 Never have I seen such abuse of the take a penny, leave a penny tray.
12:26 The tax men were merciless.
12:33 Hey, they can't take our house.
12:38 My pot-bellied pig is in there.
12:43 Mr. Porky, no.
12:50 Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil took its toll on their TV series.
12:54 And action!
12:57 Hold on, cut.
12:59 Oh, man.
13:00 Bart, if it's not too much trouble... Fine, I'll do Teen Wolf 3.
13:05 I've got fair-weathered friends to feed.
13:08 Dad, I want to go to bed.
13:11 Aren't there child labor laws?
13:12 Who told you about those laws?
13:15 Was it Marge? Hey, you've been riding me all day.
13:18 Why don't you poop in your hat?
13:19 Are you going to need us tonight?
13:21 I have ballet tickets.
13:23 Not that they'll do much good now.
13:25 With the family in disarray,
13:27 episodes increasingly resorted to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.
13:32 I'm an imposter.
13:36 That man is the real Seymour Skinner.
13:41 Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings.
13:45 If you are looking for trouble, you found it.
13:48 Just try me, you...
13:52 Eugh! But there were bigger problems off-screen.
13:55 After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Beauty contest at the Sheridan Haleakalualea,
14:00 Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian airline jet, attacking several flight attendants.
14:06 While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played by his good friend,
14:10 Richie Rich.
14:11 Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty?
14:14 Don't have a cow, Mother.
14:16 Fans reacted to these slapdash episodes with yawns.
14:20 Angry yawns.
14:21 Desperate to polish their tarnished image,
14:24 the family agreed to a live appearance at the Iowa State Fair.
14:27 Right from the start, I had a bad feeling about that gig.
14:31 It was an evening none of them would ever forget.
14:34 Or would they?
14:36 No.
14:40 Hello, Iowa!
14:41 Does anyone have a donut?
14:46 Now, Homer, this is no time to be thinking about food.
14:50 Yeah, forget the doughnuts. We're here to go nuts.
14:54 Musically, that is. What kind of song should we play?
14:57 Something that swings with the beat of Norleans.
15:01 No, it's something that rocks. That's the sound of today.
15:05 Swings. Rocks. Swings.
15:07 Rocks. Sadly, this argument was not part of the act.
15:10 I'll kill you. You don't have the guts, little man.
15:14 Folks, we're just having a little family tiff.
15:16 If you'll just bear with us. Oh, shut up.
15:19 Always trying to act so mature.
15:21 I'm glad you make the least money. Oh, that's it.
15:24 Hey, stop it. Stop it. You get it.
15:27 Before a riot could break out,
15:29 Jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy breakdancing.
15:32 Got a brother named Billy, and my teeth look silly.
15:35 Break it down now.
15:39 Yeah.
15:41 Come on, you!
15:43 I'll get you!
15:51 The dream was over.
15:55 Coming up, was the dream really over?
15:58 Yes, it was. Or was it?
16:01 And Homer finds a new passion.
16:05 Dusting and polishing mixing boards.
16:09 when Behind the Laughter continues.
16:20 The Simpsons TV show started out on a wing and a prayer.
16:24 But now the wing was on fire and the prayer had been answered by Satan.
16:30 After the State Fair fiasco, none of the family were speaking to each other.
16:34 Fox put the show on hiatus and replaced it with hidden camera footage from the dressing
16:39 room at Ann Taylor.
16:40 That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing.
16:44 It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects.
16:47 I returned to my first love, the legitimate theater.
16:51 As a young female artist, I really love living in this East Village loft.
16:57 Oh, that must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingley.
17:03 Where is the rent? I must have the rent.
17:07 Dollars, dimes, and nickels, I need them all right now.
17:12 I literally chewed the scenery.
17:15 The other family members were also spreading their creative wings.
17:19 Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas in the syndicated action series, Renegade.
17:24 If Esposito thinks he's gonna muscle us, he's wrong.
17:27 I hear that, Renegade. Let's do this thing.
17:33 Marge put together a nightclub act.
17:38 I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.
17:44 She didn't do it, she didn't do it. So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him.
17:51 A smile!
17:52 Good night, Lothlin! She didn't do it, she didn't do it.
17:58 Lisa sang, too, in a tell-all book blasting the family.
18:03 To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
18:08 Oh, jeez.
18:11 That's ridiculous.
18:13 How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?
18:18 What?
18:20 In that family, nobody trusted nobody.
18:24 They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner.
18:28 So, uh, how's everybody doing? You don't have to answer that.
18:33 Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue.
18:35 Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch.
18:37 That's assault! That is assault!
18:41 It was the best Thanksgiving ever.
18:43 I mean, emotionally, it was terrible. But the turkey was so moist.
18:48 The carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean.
18:52 But then came help from an unexpected source.
18:56 I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan.
19:00 My old fraternity brother, Willie Nelson.
19:05 I'd do anything for Kegmeister Julius, so I cooked up a phony awards show.
19:11 Not again?
19:13 Time saver of my ass.
19:15 When Willie asked me to be a presenter at the new Awareness Awards,
19:18 I had to think about it.
19:19 For about a microsecond, you just don't say no to the red-headed stranger.
19:24 And when I heard it was for awareness, that sealed the deal.
19:28 Would Willie's fence-mending eggs bear fruit?
19:31 Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust?
19:37 That night, fate wore a cummerbund of suspense.
19:44 Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco.
19:47 And now to present the award for most violent rap group, Homer Simpson.
19:53 Hi.
19:55 And Marge Simpson.
19:57 What?
19:59 What are you doing here? And Bart and Lisa Simpson.
20:04 Whoop. Hey, what's going on?
20:07 Well, I'll be honest. The new awareness awards are all an elaborate sham.
20:12 What? I knew it was too good to be true.
20:18 So this whole thing was just a trick to get us back together.
20:21 Well, I'm also trying to patch things up between Van Halen and Sammy Hagar.
20:27 But the main thing is for you folks to stop this silly feud.
20:30 Isn't that right, people?
20:35 Hug! Hug!
20:49 The Simpsons' bitter past was forgotten,
20:51 and now the future looks brighter than ever for this northern Kentucky family.
20:56 We put all the craziness behind us, and now it's time to get back to what mattered.
21:01 The show and the Sunday comic strip. Which Homer writes himself,
21:06 so you know it's great.
21:07 You little... So, whether choking their son or poking some fun,
21:13 the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come.
21:17 I can't believe it. We won another contest.
21:21 The Simpsons are going to Delaware.
21:23 I want to see Wilmington.
21:25 I want to visit a screen door factory.
21:27 This will be the last season.
21:30 Next week on Behind the Laughter, Huckleberry Hound.
21:34 I was so gay, but I couldn't tell anyone.
21:51 We're gonna groove tonight, we'll make you feel alright.
21:55 Since it's Christmas, Boogie.
21:58 We're dancing to the beat, we'll make you move your feet.
22:02 Since it's Christmas Boogie
22:24 Shhh

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Otto Mann, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Miss Hoover, Snowball II, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Superintendent Chalmers, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Kang, Kodos, Lucille Botzcowski, Mona Simpson, Santa Claus, The Devil, Jimmy Carter, Rupert Murdoch, Gary Coleman, Elderly Clerk, Stephen Hawking, Woody Allen, Buzz Aldrin, Meryl Streep, Queen Elizabeth II, Richie Rich, Seymour Skinner, Tom, Tom Kite, Ozzy Osbourne, Susan B. Anthony Man, Van Halen, Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character