Insane Clown Poppy

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 3. First aired November 12, 2000. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Insane Clown Poppy”: “Finally, books for today's busy idiot.” — Finally, books for today's busy idiot.

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About the episode

At a book fair, Krusty the Clown meets Sophie, a girl who says she is the daughter he fathered with a soldier during the Gulf War. With parenting tips from Homer, Krusty starts to bond with her, then loses her treasured violin to Fat Tony in a poker game. To make things right, Krusty and Homer infiltrate a Mafia summit to steal it back.

Written by: John Frink and Don Payne
Directed by: Bob Anderson
Guest stars: Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony; Stephen King; Amy Tan; Jay Mohr as Christopher Walken; John Updike; Drew Barrymore as Sophie Krustofsky
Production code: BABF17

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

348 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:24 This watermelon won't know what hit it. I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.
1:35 Don't you two have a list of chores to do?
1:38 Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden.
1:41 Yeah, we're heroes.
1:42 But where's our parade?
1:46 All right, open stuck drawer.
1:48 Ready?
1:52 It's hopeless.
1:53 Or is it? Yeah, it's hopeless.
1:55 I said, or is it? I said it's...
2:00 Oh.
2:03 Homer, what are you doing?
2:05 Listen, do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast?
2:08 Well, like all Americans, fast, but... Clear!
2:16 You can't argue with results.
2:20 Ooh, baby!
2:24 Oh, don't worry.
2:28 You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse.
2:30 Target date, January 2007.
2:37 And now, the grand finale.
2:40 Get Lisa's jam tape out of VCR.
2:44 Wait a minute.
2:46 There.
2:47 Fire in the hole!
2:51 Hmm, it's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.
2:55 What's going on here?
2:58 Uh, honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
3:04 Oh yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.
3:08 Oh, Lisa, this must be a rough time for you.
3:10 Do you have any friends or family you can stay with?
3:13 You've ruined all my stuff.
3:15 Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you.
3:17 Hey, pretend it's your birthday.
3:20 It is my birthday.
3:21 That's the spirit.
3:22 Now, what do you want to do? Well, the book festival starts today.
3:25 Anything at all. You name it. What do you want to do?
3:29 Stupid Lisa.
3:34 Hear ye, hear ye.
3:36 One dollar off on all poetry books.
3:41 Their hands were everywhere.
3:45 Hello, Simpsons. Care to try a sample from my new cookbook?
3:48 Someone's in the kitchen with Jesus.
3:52 Mmm.
3:53 These Stig Muffins are to die for.
3:56 Ooh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's chocolate orgasm.
4:00 Ooh, okay.
4:06 So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
4:11 Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
4:13 Oh, that's too bad. I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin.
4:18 He's a fascinating man.
4:19 He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men.
4:24 And that key he tied to the end of a kite...
4:26 It opened the gates of hell!
4:30 Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
4:33 Will do.
4:36 Hey.
4:37 With my Info-Cram 6000,
4:40 you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brain pan and this one
4:46 to the loins.
4:48 Garbage, Tolstoy, searing, brain, givick.
4:52 With my diet, you can eat all you want, anytime you want.
4:55 And you'll lose weight?
4:57 Uh, you might.
4:58 It's a free country.
5:03 Finally, books for today's busy idiot.
5:06 Network programming for dummies.
5:07 Christianity for dummies. M-moby Dick?
5:10 Call me Ishmael, dummy. How did you write all these books?
5:14 I don't know.
5:16 Me gotta go to bank now.
5:19 Look, Maggie.
5:21 Christopher Walken's reading Goodnight Moon.
5:23 Goodnight, room.
5:25 Goodnight, moon.
5:27 Goodnight, cow jumping over the moon.
5:32 Please, children, scooch closer.
5:35 Don't make me tell you again about the scooching.
5:38 You in the red, chop-chop.
5:47 All right,
5:48 does anyone have a question for our panel that's not about how much money they make?
5:53 Yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know,
5:56 is the B-2 bomber more detectable when it rains?
5:59 What do you think, Tom Clancy? Well, the B-2...
6:01 No, no, I was asking Maya Angelou.
6:04 The ebony fighter awakens, dabbled with the dewy beads of morn.
6:09 Maya Angelou is black? It is a Mach 5 child,
6:12 forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of Congress.
6:16 Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure.
6:21 Miss Tan, I loved the Joy Luck Club.
6:23 It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could triumph over adversity.
6:27 No, that's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.
6:30 But... Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us.
6:45 Book writing, what a scam, huh? It's only 20 pages long, and this guy wrote it for me.
6:51 What's your name again? John Updike. Whoa, whoa, I didn't ask for your life story.
6:55 So you really know Krusty?
6:58 What's he like?
6:59 Oh, he's wonderful.
7:01 He would do anything for his fans. Hurry up, kid.
7:06 Name? Hey, it's me, Bart.
7:09 Your biggest fan. Hey, good for you, because I want to know that my fans are,
7:14 you know...
7:16 K to C.
7:17 Hey, this pen's got to last me all day.
7:20 Now, if you could up-up-up-up-up-up. Yeah.
7:23 Name? My name is Sophie.
7:25 Hey, good luck with that. I'm your daughter.
7:27 Mwah!
7:28 I finally found my daddy.
7:31 Gah!
7:32 They think I just seltzered myself.
7:35 Shut up, up-dyke!
7:40 Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy, but I'm just a simple TV legend.
7:46 Here, have a keychain. No, I'm sure you're my father.
7:49 You met my mom during the Gulf War.
7:52 Uh, was your mother an Israeli flight attendant?
7:54 No. Cokie Roberts? No, she was a soldier.
7:58 Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, 32 confirmed kills.
8:01 Oh, boy.
8:03 Now it's coming back to me.
8:09 Saddam Hussein? They should call him so damn insane.
8:14 Hey, you're just fanning the flames of hatred.
8:17 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
8:19 Now, just when you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter,
8:22 it's the Cincinnati Bengal cheerleaders!
8:26 I can't look at that. I have a girlfriend back home.
8:29 This is an insult to our Muslim hosts. During the show, a desert wind kicked up.
8:37 I saw it shelter in a nearby tent.
8:42 There was your mother, looking like a beautiful mirage.
8:47 Maybe it was the anthrax in the air. Maybe it was a fact the Arab women weren't biting.
8:53 Whatever it was, it was magic.
9:01 We slept late into the morning. And then...
9:04 My God!
9:06 I'm late for my mission! Here's your mission.
9:08 Get down with the clown.
9:10 No, not now!
9:11 I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam! Wait a minute!
9:14 You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!
9:25 Oh, stop!
9:27 No!
9:38 I just saved my baseball bit.
9:40 Who's saying Zahn first?
9:43 I had Tolya Zahn second, and... Stupid clown!
9:48 When I came to, she was gone. And the war had been over for eight months.
9:53 Anyway, how'd you finally find me?
9:55 All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown.
9:58 So I typed pathetic clown into a search engine, and your name popped right up.
10:03 It's Mom.
10:04 Hey, how you been? Remember me?
10:09 You better get going. It was nice meeting you.
10:11 Thanks for coming out. But I was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together,
10:16 like go to the beach and junk.
10:18 Look, you're a sweet kid, but I'm not exactly father material.
10:22 I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people, I...
10:27 What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something?
10:31 Oh, all right.
10:33 You get one trip to the beach with my assistant.
10:37 Okay, I'll take you. Yay!
10:40 Dear Lord, bless this humble meal. And did you hear about Krusty?
10:45 Woo, man!
10:46 I mean, I knew he was a player, but geez, a kid.
10:49 Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
10:51 Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters.
10:54 So how's Maud Flanders doing up there? She playing the field?
10:57 Ooh, yeah, really? All those guys?
11:02 Amen.
11:15 Okay, kid, there's the water. Knock yourself out.
11:18 Come on, Dad. Let's go body surfing or boogie boarding.
11:21 Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know,
11:24 does things or says stuff or looks at you.
11:27 But the love is there.
11:29 Where are you? Give Daddy a clue?
11:31 Oh, that's my girl.
11:34 Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the frisbee to you.
11:38 Oh, I gotta sit up now?
11:41 What am I, Baryshnikov?
11:44 Hey, you beat me.
11:47 What a great day we've had, huh? You know, for a clown,
11:52 you're not really a lot of fun.
11:57 Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig. I don't get how other guys do it.
12:03 Ready?
12:03 Switch!
12:06 Hey, careful, boys. That arch is looking a little Roman-esque.
12:10 Sorry, Daddy. How should I punish myself?
12:13 No, son. You let him finish. Then you smash it.
12:17 That's a good boy. Mush, Homer, mush! Catch, Dad, catch!
12:21 Oh, okay, that stings Daddy's eyes, honey.
12:24 Hmm, I think I found my mentor.
12:28 Heads up!
12:29 You know, Homer, I spend my whole life entertaining kids,
12:33 and I just realized I don't know the first thing about them.
12:36 Well, I won't lie, fatherhood isn't easy, like motherhood,
12:40 but I wouldn't trade it for anything, except for some mag wheels.
12:44 Oh, man, that would be sweet. Dad!
12:47 Dad!
12:48 Just a second, honey.
12:50 Daddy's on his high horse.
12:52 Dad!
12:54 Yeah, I'm watching, honey.
12:55 Nice cannonball.
12:57 Anywho, the key to fathering is don't overthink.
13:00 Because overthinking is, um... What were we talking about?
13:05 Ooh, a clown!
13:06 Well, I like that girl.
13:09 She's the cutest thing I know, plus she likes me bad.
13:15 And all mine from head to toe Yes,
13:18 you never miss me Wondering when it comes to that When my head's in woe Cause I like that
13:24 girl
13:26 At a beauty contest
13:29 She's the kind just couldn't lose She ain't lost one yet
13:34 Kid, I gotta admit You're starting to grow on me Same here,
13:39 Dad It's nice that you don't always have to be on I thought I was on.
13:44 When was I off?
13:45 That bit about the tide pool? I tell you, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.
13:50 Dad, relax.
13:51 Just enjoy the sunset.
13:55 Hey, I know that song.
13:57 My dad used to play that when I was a boy.
14:01 It's beautiful.
14:03 Do you play?
14:04 No, I guess musical talent skips a generation.
14:07 Like diabetes.
14:09 You might want to watch out for that, too.
14:11 Mom, I had the best time!
14:14 Can Dad come in for milk and cookies?
14:16 Why, I'd love to-
14:19 Oh,
14:22 Oscar Homolka!
14:24 That's okay.
14:25 I think I'll go somewhere friendlier. Like beautiful downtown Grozny!
14:31 Zoom!
14:33 My little girl's sharp as a tack.
14:36 I tried the got your nose bit on her.
14:38 Didn't fool her for a second. My uncle still has my nose.
14:47 Oh, what a lousy hand.
14:50 I'll stand. I raise two Gs. I'm out.
14:54 Full-a-ruma.
14:55 Can we make this hand high-low?
14:56 No.
14:57 I fold.
14:58 Krusty, are you in or are you out?
15:01 Oh, man, I'm totally tapped.
15:03 Would you consider taking my Rolex?
15:05 You mean this one? Oh, yeah, right. Just let me go to my car.
15:12 Whim away Oh, we're moving. Oh, we're moving.
15:15 Oh, we're moving. Don't do that
15:18 Let's see you the sweater custom floor mat the stereo
15:26 Death alert deploy airbag
15:30 Best hand of my life, and I can't even huh Sophie's violin.
15:36 Oh, no, I couldn't do it
15:40 Do it, do it, do it, she'll never know.
15:53 Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value is through the roof.
15:58 It is acceptable.
16:00 Then I'm in and I call. Four aces, read them and...
16:05 Straight flush.
16:10 No, no, you can't. My daughter will never forgive me.
16:18 Oh, wait.
16:19 Now I can do it for real.
16:45 Hey, hey, Dad!
16:46 Hey, hey!
16:47 Now look, Sophie, I know you think your daddy's perfect.
16:50 No, I don't. But I did a bad thing. I lost your violin in a poker game.
16:55 You what?
16:56 But don't worry, I got you an even better one!
16:59 This is a ukulele!
17:01 Yeah, the Thinking Man's violin.
17:03 Check it out.
17:04 I want to go back to my little grass shack in a keelaka kawaii.
17:08 I want my violin. But honey, I...
17:11 I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
17:15 Wait!
17:16 Time out.
17:18 Four aces is not a gamble. Mom was right.
17:22 I was better off not knowing you.
17:28 Word on the street as you dump Dawson. He's history, Jenda.
17:33 Wait till he sees me with a new exchange student.
17:35 Hola, Harmony. ¿Qué es el dealio? I'm all for ethnic diversity,
17:39 but this is just pandering. Maybe so, but Dawson's gonna be bummed.
17:44 You gotta help me. My daughter found out I'm a jerk.
17:48 Oh, Krusty, I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.
17:51 Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment?
17:53 Sure, go ahead.
17:55 Come on. Get in there.
17:58 Oh!
17:59 Stupid game.
18:00 Now, what were we talking about? My daughter's violin.
18:04 Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back?
18:07 Really?
18:09 You'd help me take on the mob? For a casual acquaintance like you?
18:13 Absolutely.
18:27 It's some kind of mafia summit.
18:29 Every mob family in the country's here. The Cuomos, the Travoltas,
18:34 the Lasordas, the Boyardees.
18:36 This is perfect if I know fat Tony which I don't he'll be distracted by his
18:42 hosting duties come on
18:57 Tonight maybe we should look up now for me.
19:00 It's solar or nothing
19:06 Welcome to my home.
19:08 To answer your first question, yes, we do have pasta.
19:12 Hey, all right. I like pasta.
19:14 That's good.
19:14 If you need money laundered, just set it outside your door.
19:17 You can pick it up in the morning.
19:19 Oh, hey.
19:20 Beautiful.
19:21 Now some unpleasant news.
19:23 I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.
19:28 We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.
19:32 Okay, it's me. I can't help it. I just like squealing.
19:35 It makes me feel big! All right, come on, you're history.
19:42 The violin's gotta be around here somewhere.
19:46 Had enough, squealer?
19:48 Did you know Fat Tony's real name is Marion?
19:51 You just don't get it, do you?
19:58 Bingo!
20:02 Don't!
20:03 Don't! Oh, it's gonna take forever to go through all these.
20:07 I have a plan.
20:10 Well, that didn't work. Hey, Legs, let's go jump on Tony's bed.
20:14 Sure. Uh-oh.
20:16 We gotta get out of here. Just take them all.
20:18 Then it's decided.
20:19 Our website name will be crime.org.
20:22 I think we're in the clear.
20:35 Hammer! I got it! Johnny Tidelips, where'd they hit you?
20:38 I ain't saying nothing. Well, what do I tell the doctor?
20:41 Tell him to suck a lemon.
20:50 Hey!
20:52 You did it! You got it back!
20:56 Thanks, Dad.
20:57 Dad, that still sounds weird to me, but I'm glad we're friends again.
21:03 And you've lined the case with money.
21:06 Small bills, unmarked and non-sequential.
21:09 Holy simoleons! There must be five grand in there.
21:12 Oh, which I intentionally put in there for you.
21:16 You lucky little hamantashin.
21:19 Come on. How about a tune for the old man?
21:27 That's him. That's the one. I'm a Simpson.
21:29 Listen, I said I was sorry.
21:32 Alright, fair enough. Class act. Sorry you're such jerks!
21:36 Ha ha!
21:42 That bullet went in!
21:59 thing I know plus she likes me bad
22:03 and all mine from head to door yeah she never makes me wonder when I come to that
22:09 with my head in the world cause I like that girl
22:26 shh
22:27 shut up up dyke Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Professor Frink, Horatio McCallister, Snake, Dr. Nick, Lewis' lookalike, Cletus Spuckler, Bumblebee Man, Brandine Spuckler, Fat Tony, Louie, Legs, Joey, Vittorio DiMaggio, Kearney Zzyzwicz Jr., Stephen King, The Nahasapeemapetilon Octuplets, "Dummies" Author, Amy Tan, Christopher Walken, Erin, Frankie the Squealer, John Updike, Johnny Tightlips, Maya Angelou, Sophie Krustofsky, Tom Clancy, Tom Wolfe

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character