Tennis the Menace

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 12. First aired February 11, 2001. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Tennis the Menace”: “With mole insurance, your total comes to $17,000.” — With mole insurance, your total comes to $17,000.

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About the episode

Homer builds a tennis court in the backyard, and when the neighbors mock his poor play, Marge replaces him with Bart as her doubles partner for Krusty's charity tournament. Homer teams up with Lisa, and the family rivalry escalates until Homer and Marge swap their children for Venus and Serena Williams, only to be replaced themselves by Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras.

Written by: Ian Maxtone-Graham
Directed by: Jen Kamerman
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Andre Agassi; Pete Sampras; Serena Williams; Venus Williams
Chalkboard gag: I will not publish the principal's credit report
Couch gag: Ice Skating
Production code: CABF07

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

361 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:34 Cool.
1:50 Stop that.
1:52 And get ready. We're going to the old folks talent show.
1:55 Now get washed up.
1:58 With pleasure.
2:06 Ever notice after dialysis, you always get the munchies?
2:13 He's saying the stuff we all forgot.
2:15 And you know what I can't open?
2:18 Cabinets.
2:21 Can he say that? You know what else scares me?
2:24 Everything.
2:34 Get that one!
2:35 Faster, you gotta have time for the other ones.
2:37 Oh, good.
2:38 Oh, no! That one's slowing down!
2:40 Oh, good.
2:42 Oh, that one's wobbly. Oh, you got that before I even said it.
2:46 What's new, pussycat?
2:48 Ow, ow, ow, ow!
2:50 What's new, pussycat?
2:51 Oh, God, no!
2:55 Probably great, folks.
2:58 Now all the contestants are gonna receive extra savings of honey marsh.
3:04 But there can only be one winner.
3:07 And since Abe's already standing here, what the heck?
3:11 Wow! A free auto!
3:13 Now keep reading.
3:15 Oh.
3:16 Hey, let's get this down to the funeral home before they try to back out.
3:23 Hmm.
3:24 Well, this autopsy coupon appears to be valid.
3:27 What other funerary services may we provide for the pre-deceased?
3:31 Oh, the whole deal.
3:33 Coffin, tombstone, anti-stink spray.
3:35 Sir, we prefer the term casket to coffin and monument to tombstone.
3:40 We have all the leading brands of anti-stink spray.
3:43 What funny names.
3:48 He's heading into Dead Man's Curve.
3:53 Oh, the living. Well, fortunately, this model features the cadaver cab.
3:58 Ha ha ha!
4:02 Look at him go!
4:03 That thing got picture in picture? Of course!
4:06 This is the Contempo.
4:09 Oh, jeez. How come they never caught traveling anymore?
4:13 This is the deluxe area.
4:15 The caskets are buried in unused virgin graves,
4:17 the monuments are completely self-cleaning,
4:20 and there is an optional weeping widow service.
4:24 Wally, Wally, Wally!
4:31 Irving!
4:32 Oh, Irving!
4:34 Oh, bury me over here, please!
4:37 Whoa, whoa, this is getting kind of pricey.
4:40 Sir, what lies beyond this life is a mystery.
4:42 But we do know for sure that God prefers people who travel in style.
4:47 Hear that? If you cheapskate me into hell, I'll haunt you good.
4:51 Imagine this when you're sitting on the john.
4:57 Okay.
5:03 With mole insurance, your total comes to $17,000.
5:07 What? Oh!
5:08 Or you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off.
5:12 It's really up to you.
5:14 Mr. Salesman? Yeah?
5:17 We're gonna go with the wolves.
5:19 Read it!
5:23 Dad, I love you this much, but that's just under $900.
5:29 I wish I could go $17,000, but... Hmm?
5:33 Hmm?
5:33 Sir, if I may, think of it as an investment in extravagance.
5:37 The Mazo-palooza can be seen from space.
5:40 It will consume as much cement as a regulation-sized tennis court.
5:44 Tennis court, eh?
5:48 Oh, I can't believe we went through all that just to wind up with a tennis court.
5:53 I bet you didn't see that coming. You don't care what happens to me when I die.
5:58 Of course I do, Dad.
6:02 And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all.
6:04 But try telling that to Killie McGee up there.
6:12 What on earth are you doing?
6:14 Practicing tennis. That's tennis?
6:17 Oh, then what's the one where the chicks wail on each other?
6:21 Foxy boxing?
6:23 Yes!
6:24 That's what I wanted!
6:33 And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy.
6:41 That seems about right. You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy.
6:46 I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean, Sir Mel Brooks.
6:51 And it's bad news for the Gophers.
6:55 And it's gonna do wonders for our social life.
6:59 Yeah, it'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
7:02 Hey, you got a tennis court? Keep walking, Flanders.
7:05 Will do.
7:06 Faster.
7:14 Sorry.
7:15 I grunted way too early.
7:17 We win again!
7:19 Hey, this was a lot of fun, guys.
7:22 Yeah, we never knew nobody with their own tennis rink.
7:25 So what happens now? Is the food free or do we pay someone?
7:29 Of course not. They send you a bill.
7:31 Well, that's why I asked.
7:33 That's how you learn, by asking, you dumbass.
7:40 Can you believe it? Kent Brockman playing on our court.
7:45 Match point.
7:46 And how about that Stephanie the weather girl?
7:48 Brrrrrrr. Homer, ball.
7:51 Brrrrr.
7:53 Ha ha ha.
7:54 That's game, set and match to us. But the real winners here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
8:00 Whoa, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
8:03 Ha ha, well...
8:04 Come on, come on, hurry up.
8:07 I guess you could say it's my racket. I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
8:13 Get off my property.
8:17 So from now on, all hats are banned from the school.
8:21 Even bonnets?
8:22 Especially bonnets.
8:24 I've had it with that school.
8:26 Door.
8:30 Chief Wiggum, are you here to make a bust of some kind?
8:33 No, we're just checking to make sure you're having a crime-free morning.
8:38 As far as I know.
8:40 You know what would be a real crime? What's that, Lou?
8:43 Letting that tennis court go to waste.
8:45 Would you boys like to play tennis?
8:48 Why, yes.
8:49 Yes, we would.
8:50 Okay.
8:51 We'll be right out.
8:52 Let's roll, Lou.
8:55 Take it, Lou.
9:00 Well, hello, Marge. Lovely day for tennis, eh?
9:04 I thought you had your own court. He did, but he had it converted into a human chessboard.
9:11 Hey, Burns has been gone for a while. Let's make a run for it.
9:14 Come back, fools!
9:15 Protect me!
9:21 Hey, check it out! I'm surfing the net!
9:28 His clowning around is putting me at ease.
9:33 Yes, we win again. Will you get serious, Homer?
9:37 I'd like to win at least once.
9:39 Come on, Marge. All sports have their lovable clowns.
9:43 John Rocker, O.J. Simpson, Dorff.
9:47 Hey, Homer, here's a bloopy for you.
9:50 I've got it. It's in the bag.
9:57 Hey,
10:01 Chief, we're gonna bust up that crack house tonight.
10:03 We did that last night. Yeah, but this time we got the right address.
10:06 You coming? I'd love to, Lou, but I'm playing tennis at the Simpsons again.
10:11 Oh, Maggie, are your ears burning?
10:13 The Simpsons?
10:14 You mean the L.A. Clippers of backyard tennis?
10:17 Yeah. They're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles.
10:20 Pretty easy to beat a suspect in shackles, Chief.
10:23 Well, that's a joke, Lou. It's on the Simpsons and their easy-beatability.
10:30 I think they enjoy being humiliated.
10:34 I don't know what's sadder about the Simpsons.
10:36 The fact that we mock them or that they shall never know.
10:41 Never, ever, ever.
10:44 Ever.
10:49 Do I have cooties?
10:52 No.
10:53 This home testing kit saved me a fortune.
10:55 You'll never guess what I heard in the supermarket today.
10:59 I found out we're the laughing stock of the town.
11:02 Oh, well, that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie.
11:05 He's gonna be crushed.
11:06 I thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability.
11:10 Instead, people make fun of our lousiness.
11:13 Okay, now some of that is me. All of that is you.
11:16 You've gotta take this more seriously.
11:19 Okay, honey. I can see this means a lot to you.
11:22 I'll practice till my elbow is swollen and discolored.
11:26 That's all I ask.
11:33 No, it's a smooth motion. You follow through with your racket.
11:41 Uh-oh.
11:45 You know, this is such a beautiful day,
11:47 I don't know why we don't operate outside more often.
11:51 Time of death, 10.15.
12:01 Good news, honey. I found a way to prove to the town we're not losers.
12:06 I've entered us in a doubles tournament.
12:08 What? We're not ready to compete.
12:11 Don't worry.
12:12 The tournament's not till tomorrow.
12:14 Okay, get ready for the serve.
12:18 Nah!
12:19 Get him off! Get him off!
12:21 How embarrassing.
12:24 You take over, Bart.
12:27 Lisa! Lisa!
12:29 Beer me!
12:30 I'll be right out, honey.
12:32 Oh, that's okay.
12:33 Bart's doing fine.
12:34 You just have another beer. Now that's the kind of nagging I can live with.
12:38 So Barney's like, you're on your own, dude.
12:41 And I'm like, not even.
12:43 I don't know what this has to do with the Civil War.
12:45 I'm getting to that.
12:52 Looking good, honey.
12:54 I think you and I might just win this tournament, Deelee.
12:57 Hey, Bart!
12:59 Yeah, you got your daddy's hustle.
13:04 Too busy to reply, huh?
13:06 I know how that goes.
13:08 Well, I think I'll go lay out my clothes for the tournament.
13:16 Perfect.
13:21 Well, I'm ready for the big tournament.
13:27 Hey there, son.
13:28 Oh, hi, Dad.
13:30 With that little outfit on, everyone's gonna think you're playing in the tournament.
13:34 I am playing in the tournament.
13:36 It's gonna be tough without a partner.
13:38 I've got a partner. Well, good for you. Anyone I know?
13:41 Yeah, you know her. Oh, hello, Homer.
13:46 Good morning, partner.
13:48 There's something I should tell you.
13:51 The name of Bart's partner, I'm all ears.
13:54 Well, actually, the name of Bart's partner is...
14:00 Yes, darling?
14:02 I'm Bart's partner.
14:04 No, no, no, no. You're my partner. Dude, I think the lady's made her decision.
14:09 I'm sorry, homie. We'll talk about it later, okay?
14:13 No!
14:21 Traitors!
14:23 Uh-oh.
14:25 I don't think they saw me.
14:28 I'm gonna put my trophy on the mantle. How about you?
14:31 I was thinking mantle, too.
14:33 Talk about being on the same wavelength.
14:39 Hello, Marge.
14:40 Hello, Bart.
14:41 How are the tennis partners?
14:44 Oh, homie, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
14:46 Don't touch me. Your hands feel like salad tongs.
14:50 I just wanted to win for once.
14:52 Please don't take it as a threat to your manhood.
14:55 My manhood? I never thought of that.
14:58 We were good, Dad. They asked us to play in the Krusty Classic.
15:01 It's for charity. It benefits victims of balcony collapse.
15:05 We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime.
15:07 I don't care about B.C. I care about M.E.
15:12 My enjoyment.
15:18 It's obvious what's happening.
15:20 I'm being replaced by a younger, more in-your-face version of me.
15:24 Dad, you're just going through a classic Oedipal anxiety.
15:28 You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you?
15:30 Maybe five bucks would refresh my memory.
15:34 Ugh.
15:35 Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
15:37 Ugh! Who pays for that wedding? I'm just saying you feel threatened by Bart,
15:42 but it's all in your head. You're right.
15:44 But just to be safe, maybe I should chain him up.
15:47 Dad, I think you're overreacting.
15:49 I think you're underreacting. This session's over.
15:52 This session's under. Goodbye.
15:54 Bad bye.
15:58 Oh, no.
16:00 Stay away from my wife, Bart.
16:08 Darling, you're so much handsomer than my first husband.
16:12 I may have the looks, but he's the trophy husband.
16:16 He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun,
16:20 but it was the perfect place to shoot him.
16:25 That's the guy. That's the guy from my dream.
16:28 Go ahead and smile, smart guy.
16:31 I'm gonna mop you up like turkey gravy.
16:38 Are you sure you want me to be your doubles partner?
16:41 Absolutely, sweetie.
16:43 And you're not doing it out of spite.
16:45 No, of course not.
16:47 Now aim for your mother's heart.
16:50 Dad, I don't want to enter the tournament just to hurt Mom?
16:53 Oh, come on. You've been gunning for Queen Bee ever since you buzzed into this hive.
16:58 Now serve.
17:03 Did you make that awful effigy? Hey, leave my teammate alone.
17:07 Lisa's your teammate?
17:10 What's so funny? I'm better than you.
17:13 Now, Lisa, you know that's not true.
17:15 How would you know? Your backhand looks like a rusty gate.
17:18 Oh, you little... Come on, Bart.
17:21 Babies.
17:31 Telegram for Lisa Simpson.
17:34 Don't listen. It's a trick. Dear Lisa, psych!
17:37 Psych, psych, psych. Sign, Super Psych. I think he's trying to psych you out.
17:41 Look, we're all trying to have dinner.
17:44 So why don't we just psych, psych, psych?
17:59 Oh, where did you buy that novelty hand, sir?
18:02 This?
18:03 No, it's just fluid collecting.
18:08 Hey, hey!
18:09 What do you think, folks? I hope I don't get arrested for racket earring.
18:14 Huh?
18:16 What do you want? I'm not going to do A material for charity.
18:21 And after all, that is why we're here.
18:25 Well, look who's here.
18:28 You two are going down.
18:30 No, we're not. You're going down.
18:34 Did you hear that? She said we're going down.
18:37 All we can do is play our very best.
18:39 Oh, that's loser talk.
18:42 Now I'd like to introduce two of the tennis world's most unbeatable players.
18:47 Venus and Serena Williams.
18:52 Unbeatable, eh?
18:53 Coming through! Hey, hi, Otto.
18:58 Sorry.
19:01 What are you doing?
19:02 That's our dad's seat. Hey, that's great.
19:05 Listen, I need a new doubles partner. My little girl's a lead weight.
19:09 You're dumping your own daughter?
19:11 Yeah, but only to crush my wife and son.
19:13 That's horrible.
19:15 Yeah, that's pretty low.
19:16 Hmm, you seem less disgusted. Let's go. Our next match is Marge and Bart Simpson...
19:22 Boo!
19:23 You rock!
19:24 ...versus Homer and Lisa.
19:27 Sorry, that's Homer and Venus Simpson.
19:32 Venus Simpson?
19:34 You're replacing me? Now, Lisa, dumping is such a harsh word.
19:38 Let's just say I'm replacing you.
19:50 Fifteen love. Once again, I'm outraged by this last minute switch.
19:55 We all got problems. I dropped my cookie.
19:59 You sure you want to risk it?
20:01 It's totally unfair for one side to have a professional player.
20:05 All right, all right. You guys can have Serena.
20:07 Uh, I just ate a personal pizza.
20:11 Oh.
20:12 Oh, you're dumping me. Honey, I'll make it up to you in bottle rockets.
20:16 Hmm.
20:19 Okay, swing.
20:21 Run.
20:21 Hit the thing.
20:23 Now run across the...
20:24 Yeah.
20:25 Huh?
20:26 Whoopsie.
20:27 Marge, how bad do you want to win? Oh, oh, I'd do anything.
20:32 Good.
20:33 Yo, Pete. Pete Sampras. Get over here.
20:36 Yes, I'm in.
20:41 Ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:43 Everybody's been dumped but me.
20:45 I'm undumpable. Yoink. My tennis stick!
20:49 Who are you? I'm Andre Agassi.
20:52 The wrestler?
20:53 Come on, tubby. Get off the court.
20:55 Skat!
20:56 Come on. Let's play.
20:57 I've got to tape a Ho-Ho's commercial.
21:05 Which one am I? Serena or Venus? You're Andre.
21:09 I'm Serena.
21:11 You're a girl.
21:12 Why don't we stop this nonsense?
21:14 I'm not mad anymore. Me neither.
21:17 I'm just enjoying some world-class tennis.
21:20 You know, there's a lesson here for all of us.
21:23 It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff.
21:26 Amen.
21:28 After the tournament, let's go out for a nice family dinner.
21:33 Courtesy of Pete Sampras.
21:36 Sorry.
21:39 Sucker.
22:24 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Larry Dalrymple, Helen Lovejoy, Bernice Hibbert, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Gloria Prince, Old Jewish Man, Stephanie Brockman, Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras, Serena Williams, Venus Williams

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character