Day of the Jackanapes

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 13. First aired February 18, 2001. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Day of the Jackanapes”: “Get away from me!” — Get away from me!

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About the episode

Krusty admits on TV that he taped over every episode featuring Sideshow Bob, and Bob vows revenge. Out of prison, Bob gets hired at Springfield Elementary and hypnotizes Bart, planning to send him into Krusty's farewell special wired with explosives. Moved when Krusty voices regret on air for mistreating him, Bob relents but cannot stop Bart in time, and Mr. Teeny flings the explosives at the network executives.

Written by: Al Jean
Directed by: Michael Marcantel
Guest stars: Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob; Gary Coleman
Chalkboard gag: The hamster did not have a 'full life'
Couch gag: Therapy
Production code: CABF10

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

342 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:09 Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy.
1:21 Welcome back to America's favorite game show...
1:27 And here's that question-asking guy, Virgil St.
1:31 Clair.
1:32 All right, Moe Sislak. Yes, Virgil. Yesterday,
1:36 we asked if you wanted to risk it all for $500,000.
1:39 And you stalled for 20 minutes. Yes, yes, I did.
1:42 I was told to. Hey, that's great.
1:44 But now we must have your answer in the next 10 or 15 minutes.
1:51 You want some of this? Well, do you?
1:54 I can honestly say I do.
1:56 All right, then. For half a million dollars,
1:59 which of the following is not a subatomic particle?
2:02 Oi.
2:03 A. Proton.
2:04 B.
2:05 Neutron.
2:06 C.
2:06 Bonbon.
2:07 Or D.
2:09 Electron.
2:09 Oh, boy.
2:11 All right, let's see here.
2:13 Well, I was born in Indiana, so that ain't it.
2:17 And, uh, hmm.
2:19 I better call my lifeline.
2:23 Hello?
2:24 Hey, Moe. We're watching you on TV.
2:27 Yeah, I know, Homer.
2:28 So, how's that bowel obstruction doing? Homer, please.
2:32 I got a nuclear-type question here.
2:35 Well, it all starts when a noolacule comes out of its nest.
2:39 The answer is bonbon.
2:41 I'm gonna say bonbon.
2:43 Bonbon, Amo. Is that your ultimate response?
2:46 Uh-huh.
2:47 Oh, you are correct!
2:51 Well, Mo, would you like to stop where you are or try for one million dollars?
2:59 Well, gee, I really do love currency, but, um,
3:03 I think I'm gonna play it safe and stick with what I got.
3:05 You're the boss. Yes, I am.
3:11 Ah, this quiz show crap is just a fad. Well, fad or not, it's here to stay.
3:16 And it's killing your show in the ratings.
3:18 Hey, what do you want from me? I do a kid's show.
3:20 And it's a classic.
3:21 We just want you to open it up. Run wild, shatter the boundaries, slash and burn.
3:25 Without alienating anyone. Oy, these Focokta network notes.
3:29 Can you believe this?
3:32 All we're saying is be dangerous, but warm and edgy cute.
3:38 Did that exit work for you?
3:39 I'd like to see it without the scream. I was just thinking that.
3:46 Hey, hey, kids.
3:48 Let's hear it for Madame Mimi and her cheese-seeking poodles.
3:55 We'll be back with a sketch set in the craziest place.
4:00 A restaurant!
4:03 And roll commercial.
4:05 Trusty, yeah, quick thought about this restaurant set.
4:08 Huh?
4:08 Could it look more like a diner? Ooh, the Seinfeld diner.
4:12 Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds. Because the great thing about Seinfeld was...
4:16 You're on, Trusty.
4:18 Ah, nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant.
4:23 Ah, here comes the waitress. We're losing male teens.
4:27 Can you get jiggy with something?
4:29 You're giving me notes while I'm on the air?
4:32 That tears it!
4:33 Folks, I've been in showbiz for 61 years,
4:37 but now these jerks have sucked all the fun out.
4:40 I don't need 12 suits telling me which way to pee.
4:43 For pee, could you substitute whiz? I don't know.
4:46 That could upset the cheese whiz people.
4:48 I was just thinking that.
4:49 I can't take it anymore!
4:51 Folks, don't miss this Friday show.
4:54 It'll be my last.
4:57 Quitting showbiz. Yeah, I know I like the area, but where does it go?
5:01 Get away from me!
5:02 Wait!
5:09 Damn you!
5:10 You can kill me but two more while setting my blaze!
5:18 I can't believe Krusty's retiring.
5:21 This is tragic.
5:22 A world without Krusty.
5:24 What would that be like?
5:28 What's on TV?
5:29 Nutsy the Clown. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
5:34 Well,
5:35 I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive.
5:40 Maggie shot Mr. Burns again.
5:48 Crusty the Clown's retirement has provoked an outpouring of anguish not seen since the
5:53 small plane crash that killed the Banana Splits.
5:56 We now go live to Crusty Lou Studios.
6:00 What's the mood there, Chief Clancy Wiggum?
6:03 These kids are getting a little out of hand, Kent,
6:05 so we're gonna have to fire the time-out gas.
6:11 Hey, Kent,
6:12 are you guys still having that contest where we guess what city the weather girl's in?
6:16 That was eight years ago. Is it Pittsburgh?
6:19 I spoke to Krusty about his legacy of laughter.
6:23 Kent, the young people today, they think comedy is dirty words.
6:28 It's not.
6:29 It's words that sound dirty, like muck luck.
6:34 Muck luck.
6:35 You like that? No charge.
6:37 Muck luck.
6:40 Oh, can it, you tiresome tot sitter. I was the risible one in our dyad.
6:44 Ever watch the old episodes? Oh, Kent, that's a sad story.
6:48 I taped over all my old episodes.
6:51 Well, you know, I had a thing for Judge Judy and blank tape was $3.99.
6:56 What would you do?
6:58 Those are my shows.
7:01 Frankly, Kent, those episodes were no big loss.
7:04 The show didn't really get funny until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired Whozits.
7:09 You've erased my past.
7:12 Now I'll erase your future.
7:16 Hey, hey! Lights out!
7:18 Oh, honestly.
7:19 At Chino, they get to stay up till nine.
7:21 Now, Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino, and that's just not true.
7:28 Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment.
7:32 First, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized.
7:37 Secondly,
7:39 the Prison Book Club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books.
7:44 These are from the new Tom Clancy.
7:46 Although it's less painful than reading him.
7:48 Am I right, folks?
7:49 Motion granted. Release the prisoner.
7:57 Now, don't try anything funny this time, Bob.
8:01 I'm gonna be on you like red beans on a...
8:03 Hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast. Hey, no fair.
8:07 You got long legs. I got these little bitty hooves.
8:11 Bob!
8:15 Okay, here's your storage locker.
8:17 Just the way you left it. Thank you, Raphael.
8:20 Now, this is a ticklish question, but...
8:22 You want to live in the box? Cost you two bucks a day.
8:25 Oh, thank you, kind innkeeper.
8:29 You gonna want to wake up Jeb? Please.
8:32 No problemo.
8:37 Hiya, neighbor!
8:39 Hey, wait, wait, wait.
8:40 Whatcha writing there? If you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge.
8:45 Ah, revenge, eh? Half the guys in here are working on that.
8:51 Hee-hee.
8:52 Well, mine's better.
8:57 Phase one begins in...
9:00 10...
9:01 9...
9:02 8... Oh, I can't wait!
9:06 Now, Bob, your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor.
9:11 Well, my blushes. But I am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people.
9:17 To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson.
9:21 Oh, good luck. That kid's like the roadrunner.
9:25 He won't go down. Tell me about it.
9:30 You know, Bob, your voice would be perfect for the school's morning announcements.
9:35 Attention, the French club picnic has been cancelled.
9:39 Quel dommage.
9:40 You're hired.
9:42 It begins.
9:50 I mean my announcing career.
9:53 That's what's beginning.
9:58 Good morning, Springfield Elementary.
10:00 In the lost and found today, we have one plaid kilt.
10:03 I believe the clan is Graham of Montrose.
10:07 This new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar.
10:12 And finally, Bart Simpson should immediately proceed,
10:16 unescorted, to the old sports equipment shed behind the school.
10:22 So long, suckers.
10:33 Around the wall, she...
10:44 No!
10:48 Hello, Bart.
10:51 Oh, it's you, Bob.
10:52 How you doing?
10:53 No screams?
10:55 Not even an eep?
10:57 Hey, I'm not afraid of you.
10:58 Every time we tangle, you wind up in jail.
11:01 I'm 6-0. I'll admit that the record is a little one-sided,
11:04 but this time I cannot fail
11:12 Bricks my old arch enemy.
11:14 I thought I was your arch enemy.
11:16 I have a life outside of you Bart
11:23 What are you gonna do to me? Oh believe me I have a plan Let's see.
11:28 Get job of school and also lure Bart to shed secure, same to chair with rope.
11:32 Ah, here we are.
11:33 Have Bart kill Krusty.
11:36 Krusty? That's the one man I would never kill.
11:38 Oh, you will kill Krusty during his final show.
11:43 And you won't even know you're doing it.
11:48 Watch the shiny quarter, Bart.
11:51 That's it.
11:53 Oh, damn it, where'd it go? I needed that for laundry.
11:56 Hey, stupid.
11:58 You look.
12:05 Yes, that will do.
12:08 Watch the spiral bot. Let it entrance you with its twirliness.
12:15 Twirliness.
12:17 You are in my power.
12:19 I am at your command.
12:21 I didn't say anything about command. If you're in my power, say so.
12:25 I am in your power.
12:27 Excellent.
12:28 Actually, go back to command. No power. Power!
12:33 Look! Krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode.
12:39 Hello, family.
12:41 Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime.
12:44 I was... I was... If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop.
12:50 I was at the flower shop. Oh, yeah, I was at the flower shop, too.
12:56 Yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop.
13:00 Now, to see if you will really attack your hero.
13:11 Yes!
13:14 Work the groin!
13:16 Excuse me, could you take our picture?
13:19 I, uh...
13:20 It should focus automatically.
13:22 It do.
13:24 Chief, you might want to take a look outside.
13:27 That's it!
13:28 Kill Krusty!
13:30 Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night.
13:33 Oh, it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat.
13:37 These days, it's all aluminum this and George W.
13:40 that.
13:40 Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy meal.
13:42 Oh, mini pinball.
13:44 Hey, give that back.
13:46 Give what back, Lou?
13:49 Oh, yeah.
13:58 Good evening, folks, and welcome to my final clown cast.
14:02 The word legend has many definitions.
14:04 This is for Sideshow Bob.
14:12 Marvelous, marvelous.
14:14 Funny till the end. Moment of silence?
14:16 Well, it's my show now.
14:19 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
14:27 Oh, just a dream. But tonight,
14:31 I will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance.
14:37 Bug spray.
14:55 Kent Brockman here at Krusty the Clown's final show.
14:58 And here comes out of work actor Rainier Wolfcastle.
15:02 Someone please give me a chop.
15:04 I float my quote to eight million.
15:07 Ha ha! Hear that, Hollywood? The boy wants to work.
15:10 I do nude scene. I play nerd.
15:13 Don't make me punch your throat.
15:15 Ha ha! Always a delight.
15:25 And now, retiring for the fifth and final time, Krusty the Clown!
15:34 Thank you, folks. Now,
15:36 fasten your funny belts as our own Chimpendales dancer gives you the full
15:41 monkey!
15:44 I believe in miracles!
15:49 We're wrong!
15:51 You sexy thing, sexy thing, you... Bart.
15:57 Bart.
15:59 It's time, Bart.
16:01 Time to blow up the clown.
16:06 Go, blow.
16:08 And now, a special treat.
16:11 My TV debut on the Milk of Magnesia Summer Cavalcade.
16:16 Let's watch.
16:17 Look at me!
16:19 I'm Kaputnik, the Russian satellite!
16:21 Oh, the Bolshoi's doing the nutcracker in my pants!
16:26 Back then, you couldn't say pants on TV.
16:28 I was banned for ten years.
16:31 Finally, I got a second chance on laughing.
16:35 Hey, Krusty! What do you get when you cross a chicken with a beagle?
16:40 The peccata doors are stuck!
16:42 Don't just stare, Artie! Help me!
16:45 Those lousy shutters sent me back another 22 years.
16:53 Mmm,
16:59 that's good, plastic explosive.
17:07 Now, my little hypno-assassin,
17:10 your cue to attack will be when Krusty says, I've never had such a great audience.
17:16 You will run up and hug him, blowing each of you to smithereens.
17:21 Whatever.
17:23 Now we're going to show you some clips from...
17:25 Oh, no.
17:28 I wanted to keep this quiet.
17:31 Can I embarrass this guy for a moment?
17:34 Three years ago, Krusty pledged over a million dollars to start Krusty's Care Center.
17:39 Please, stop already. To this day, Krusty has not given us a dime,
17:45 has he, Francis? I'm cold all the time.
17:49 Oh, look. It was all a bookkeeping snafu.
17:53 Could I have the check now?
17:54 Now?
17:55 Eh, sure.
17:57 God bless you, Krusty.
17:59 And if my banker's watching,
18:01 let nothing stop you from payment of this check.
18:11 Ah, the catwalk. A perfect vantage point.
18:15 For revenge.
18:19 Ah, kettle chips.
18:21 The perfect side dish.
18:24 For revenge.
18:26 What a special night.
18:28 And you know something?
18:30 I've never had such a great audience.
18:37 We've had a lot of fun. Well, Krusty, this is your Waterloo.
18:42 Soon you'll be Napoleon blown apart.
18:47 Ugh, terrible.
18:48 Oh, hush up, Leo.
18:50 You know, I'd like to thank God for all my success,
18:53 even though I never worshipped or believed in him in any way.
18:57 But before I sweep up my last spotlight, there's one thing I've got to say.
19:02 Over the years, I've... a lot of... whoa.
19:06 Oh, and I've guh, guh, my share of a-o-ga,
19:11 but there's only one thing I'm ashamed of.
19:15 Ashamed?
19:16 There was a man who used to work for me, a man of grace and humor,
19:20 but I mistreated him and drove him to a life of crime.
19:24 So wherever you are, I just want to say, Sideshow Bob,
19:29 I'm sorry. Oh, Bob,
19:33 you repaid my abuse with raw hatred.
19:37 But I need you today, oh, Bob.
19:42 Well, you went to our booze and you framed me.
19:46 So they locked me away.
19:49 Oh, that sweet, funny man.
19:56 Oh, no, my boy bomb.
20:00 Well, good night and... Oh, look, it's a toe-headed little fan.
20:05 What do you say, folks? Should I hug him?
20:17 No!
20:30 Oh, God! A bomb! I was just thinking that.
20:37 What happened? Was anyone hurt?
20:39 Just some network executives.
20:51 We have notes!
20:53 Have you thought about Dave Chappelle?
21:00 Okay, everybody, say funny!
21:03 Funny!
21:05 Perfect.
21:10 Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder.
21:13 Will you stop with a sorry?
21:16 Every time you try to kill me, my readings go through the roof, you nut!
21:21 We are good together, Krusty. It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty.
21:26 Oh, don't remind me.
21:31 Okay, where do you want to do this thing?
21:33 Isn't it customary to have a trial?
21:35 Oh, a wise guy, huh?
21:55 Thank you.
22:24 Shhh!
22:27 Maklak!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Ned Flanders, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Ralph Wiggum, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Eddie, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Sherri Mackleberry, Sideshow Mel, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Luann Van Houten, Itchy, Comic Book Guy, Scratchy, Girl with glasses, Gareth Prince, Gloria Prince, Sarah Wiggum, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Cletus Spuckler, Rainier Wolfcastle, Raphael, Gil Gunderson, Roy Snyder, Sideshow Bob, Mr. Teeny, Pyro, Lindsey Naegle, Gary, Gary Coleman, Ron Howard, Jeremy, Madame Mimi, Virgil Sinclair

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character