New Kids on the Blecch

The Simpsons, season 12, episode 14. First aired February 25, 2001. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “New Kids on the Blecch”: “Who are you?” — Who are you?

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About the episode

After Bart cheats his way to a Springfield Marathon win, producer L.T. Smash recruits him, Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph as the boy band Party Posse, with electronically boosted vocals. As the group meets 'N Sync, Lisa realizes the lyric "Yvan eht nioj" is a reversed Navy recruitment message and that Smash is a Navy lieutenant. Smash later snaps, hijacking an aircraft carrier and firing missiles at Mad magazine's offices.

Written by: Tim Long
Directed by: Steven Dean Moore
Guest stars: Tony Battaglia as Bart Simpson; Michael "J" Horn as Milhouse Van Houten; Marc Terenzi as Nelson Muntz; Ben Bledsoe as Ralph Wiggum
Chalkboard gag: I will not buy a presidential pardon
Couch gag: Spotlight
Production code: CABF12

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

346 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:01 Oh,
1:06 my God.
1:06 Oh, my God.
1:08 Oh, my God. Oh,
1:24 my God.
1:27 Welcome back to Great Moments in Olympic History.
1:29 At the 1936 Berlin Games,
1:32 Jesse Owens humiliates Adolf Hitler by outracing his Zeppelin.
1:41 1968 Mexico City, Bob Beeman shatters the world long jump record.
1:51 Undecided!
1:53 And in 1984,
1:54 Portugal's Carlos Lopes becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever at age 38.
2:01 38?
2:02 That's roughly my age.
2:04 Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon.
2:10 Oh, please.
2:12 You get exhausted watching the Twilight Zone Marathon.
2:16 I'm a regular Billy Crystal.
2:18 You got that right. Well, Dad, I think running's good exercise.
2:22 It adds years to your life. Stay out of this, Lisa.
2:25 Marge, I've made up my mind. I'll do your job for a day, and you do mine.
2:30 Then we'll see who has it tougher.
2:32 Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
2:38 Good afternoon, and welcome to the 97th Springfield Marathon.
2:42 Commemorating the time Jebediah Springfield ran across six states to avoid his creditors.
2:47 You got all your equipment, Dad? Let's see.
2:50 Sweatbands, check.
2:51 Anti-chafing nipple tape, check, check, and check.
2:55 Attention runners, on your mark, get set.
2:59 Now get out of here before I change my mind.
3:05 I can't believe it. I'm actually running a marathon.
3:08 Gah! Oh, I hit the wall.
3:10 This is so painful.
3:12 Hey, I got my second wind. Gah! Another wall!
3:16 Woo-hoo! Third win!
3:18 Faster, rickshaw driver. Ow.
3:21 Sir, the whip isn't helping.
3:22 Silence.
3:23 You call yourself Chinese?
3:26 No one can outrun the Flash.
3:30 Cushage.
3:31 One of my super foes has set a trap for me.
3:37 Hey, Grandpa's running.
3:39 That's not Grandpa. Dad's just dehydrated.
3:47 And with 500 yards to go, the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck.
3:52 Two weary warriors now burning with pain and exhaustion.
3:55 But only one will win the grand prize, a walking tour of Springfield.
4:04 Wow, that tour is mine.
4:07 Well, hold the phone, Dora.
4:10 A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere.
4:12 He's running on sheer pluck, boxy and grit,
4:15 all of which he'll be tested for after the race.
4:18 Hey, a winner the race!
4:20 Viva Italia!
4:22 Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy.
4:24 I love you all.
4:26 I use up all of my English.
4:34 Grazie, Springfield!
4:37 He's a phony.
4:38 Lousy cheetah. I demand a re-race.
4:42 I got a better idea.
4:44 Let's have a fun run. On his trachea. Yeah.
4:46 Kill him. Mike and pie.
4:55 Get in. Hurry.
4:56 Mob, stranger.
4:59 Stranger.
5:04 Who are you?
5:05 Oh, you'll find out in due time.
5:07 Well, it says here your name is L.T. Smash.
5:10 The time has come. I'm LT Smash.
5:15 Thank you so much for saving our son from that murderous mob.
5:19 Well, thank you for letting me chill in your crib.
5:22 And thank you for assuming we're hip. All right, now here's the 411.
5:27 I'm a record producer, see? I'm starting a new boy band,
5:30 and there's a place in it for Bart.
5:32 My Bart?
5:33 Oh, yeah. That stunt he pulled at the race shows me he's the bad boy I'm looking for.
5:39 Now listen to me, Smash.
5:41 We're not signing anything, unless it's a contract.
5:45 Why do you want Bart?
5:46 He's not much of a singer.
5:48 Marge, it's not the singing that brings in the Sacagaweas.
5:52 Bart's a rebel, and that's what I need for my new band, the Party Posse.
5:56 Now hold on. I have some concerns.
6:00 Please, Mom. My dream is to be a rock star.
6:03 And my dream is to get rid of Bart.
6:05 But... How many lives must you ruin? Oh, okay.
6:16 Bart, I want you to meet and greet the other members of the party posse.
6:20 He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse.
6:23 What up, G-Money? Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart.
6:28 Nelson.
6:29 Wait, these are just guys from school.
6:32 Who's next, Ralph Wiggum? Whee!
6:35 I'm a pop sensation.
6:36 And I'm the Mac Daddy behind such groups as New Kids in the Ditch and Boy Nudo.
6:42 I'm gonna make you stars.
6:45 Near, near, two, three, four,
6:48 and thrust and grab yourself right there.
6:52 Now let's go and flirt.
6:54 You call that a flirt?
6:56 I'm not melting.
6:58 Okay, your toods a fly and your threads a dope.
7:02 All that's left is the singing. Party Posse, we rule the earth,
7:06 the greatest band since music's birth.
7:09 Isn't this song a little boastful? No one told me there was going to be boasting.
7:13 Just take it from the top.
7:15 Party Posse, we rule the earth, the greatest band since music's birth.
7:23 Thank you, NASA.
7:27 We love to sweat and we love to sing.
7:30 We're real funky but not threatening
7:35 We're the best band in the world But we'd give it all up
7:41 for that special girl You're my special girl Special
7:45 girl
7:49 You're my special girl Only you
7:59 So from now on,
8:00 anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me.
8:04 And now, are you adequately prepared to rock?
8:09 Yeah!
8:11 Silence!
8:13 Here they are, the party posse.
8:20 Hello, Springfield! Now here's a song that your principal Skinner doesn't want us to play.
8:27 That's not true.
8:29 This assembly was my idea.
8:31 I like your brand of inoffensive pop rock.
8:33 Screw you, man. We're gonna play it anyway.
8:41 I saw you last night at the spelling bee
8:47 I knew right then that it was L-U
8:52 -V I gotta spell out what you mean
8:58 to me Cause I can no longer
9:03 be
9:08 A silent G I gotta
9:12 spell out I've got a spell out what you need to
9:18 take. Man, they're gonna be big.
9:20 And you stood in their way. No, I didn't.
9:23 I even came in early and made orange drink.
9:26 Orange drink?
9:27 What, do you live with your mama? She lives with me.
9:36 I can't believe it. They loved us. I'm wearing a bathrobe, and I'm not even sick.
9:41 Yo, dudes.
9:42 Awesome show.
9:45 It's NSYNC!
9:52 Word.
9:53 What brings you to Springfield? We saw your band formation notice in the paper.
9:57 Really? You saw our BFN? I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse.
10:01 Word.
10:03 So anyway, we brought you this wicked gift basket.
10:06 Stubble glitter, a crowd taser. Crowd taser?
10:09 Yeah, it's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine.
10:13 Oh!
10:14 Yo!
10:15 Dudes, we gotta go. Our clothes are getting a little out of date.
10:18 To the Bandana Republic.
10:20 Word.
10:26 Now we gotta send them a basket.
10:30 Oh, yeah, that's a spot.
10:32 Oh, that is perfect.
10:35 Mom, can't Bart get his massage somewhere else?
10:39 Don't be selfish, Lisa. Will you two shut up?
10:41 I'm missing precious VJ Prattle! Woo!
10:45 That was the latest ad for Stridex Pads, medicated!
10:49 Okay, coming at you, a world premiere video from P-Squared.
10:54 That's the Par-te-Pas-ee!
10:57 Woo!
10:58 Yeah!
10:59 All right!
11:02 Rock! Woo!
11:05 Oh say can you rock?
11:11 There's trouble in a far-off nation Time to get in
11:17 love formation Your love's more deadly than
11:22 Saddam And that's why I gotta drop the bomb
11:32 Bugs-y-pugs-y!
11:34 Give me love it! Give me love it!
11:36 Give me love it!
11:43 Even etnia's, even etnia's,
11:47 even etnia's.
11:51 Ethnia's.
11:52 Even etnia's. You gotta love that crazy chorus.
11:57 What does it mean?
11:58 It doesn't mean anything.
11:59 It's like ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong or give peace a chance.
12:06 This party is happening.
12:09 It's no mirage So sing it again
12:15 Even etnia Even etnia
12:20 Even etnia
12:31 There's something weird about this video None of those girls has had three
12:37 kids I can tell you that.
12:39 No, something else.
12:48 Ivan et Miaz,
12:53 they keep saying that.
12:55 Wait, what was that?
13:00 Uncle Sam?
13:02 Let me play this backwards.
13:09 Join the Navy.
13:11 They're recruiting people with subliminal messages.
13:17 Otto, what are you doing?
13:19 I don't know.
13:20 I just got an urge to join the Navy.
13:23 You're being brainwashed.
13:25 Yeah, probably.
13:26 Ivanette Niaj.
13:35 LT, thank God you're here. The government's putting subliminal messages in your videos.
13:40 Subliminal messages?
13:42 Do you have any idea how insane that sounds?
13:45 Is that a navy tattoo?
13:47 A navy tattoo?
13:49 Do you have any idea how insane that sounds?
14:00 Lieutenant Smash!
14:02 Yeah, that's right.
14:03 Lieutenant L.T.
14:05 Smash.
14:08 A wig!
14:09 But your pant legs!
14:15 How could you soil the good name of Star Blitz Promotions?
14:19 Oh, come on, Lisa. We've always used pop stars to recruit people.
14:24 Going back to Elvis.
14:25 Then there was Sergeant Peppers, the Captain and Tennille, and the Kiss Army.
14:31 But you have recruiting ads on TV.
14:33 Why do you need subliminal messages? It's a three-pronged attack.
14:37 Subliminal, liminal, and superliminal.
14:40 Superliminal? I'll show you.
14:42 Hey, you! Join the Navy!
14:45 Uh, yeah, all right. I'm in.
14:47 Well, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
14:52 Oh.
14:55 Wait a minute.
14:56 Bartz banned his brainwashing kids with subliminal messages?
15:00 That's pretty far-fetched, Lisa.
15:02 Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug?
15:07 Here comes the jealousy bug.
15:10 Can you getcha?
15:11 Hey, Zach!
15:12 Cut it out, you're a grown man.
15:15 I want to go home now.
15:17 Nobody's going home.
15:18 We're going to see Bart's concert.
15:22 An aircraft carrier?
15:24 Oh, that's subtle. Good afternoon and welcome to the USS Sea Spanker.
15:30 Are you ready to tear it up?
15:32 I can't hear you.
15:37 Do you maggots want to see a show or not?
15:41 Hey, I mean, here they are, the party posse.
15:49 Had a girl in every port from here to
15:54 Barcelona.
15:57 But now I'm docked in Springfield. And girl,
16:02 I'm gonna phone ya I stormed a lot of
16:07 beaches But you're the one that I missed
16:13 Let's get back together,
16:15 girl Let's reenlist Ow, hot, hot, hot!
16:21 So sign me up for a hitch of love Recruit my
16:27 heart for sweet years of love Everybody ball
16:32 walk!
16:34 Oh yeah!
16:40 Looking good guys.
16:42 And double time!
16:48 That's it.
16:50 Protect the country.
17:02 Groovy dude.
17:03 Burn down the barbershop. I hate America.
17:13 Lieutenant.
17:14 Lieutenant smash.
17:17 The hippie fantasy again.
17:19 They're getting less frequent, sir.
17:21 Excellent.
17:23 Well, there's no easy way to say this.
17:25 The new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band.
17:28 Shutting it down?
17:30 Permission to say that's crazy, sir.
17:32 You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of Mad Magazine.
17:38 Oh, dear God.
17:40 When this satirical bombshell hits the stands tomorrow,
17:43 your band will have as much recruiting power as a wax apple.
17:46 I don't follow, sir. It's over, LT.
17:50 Ha!
17:53 Let's march all day And clean the trees all night
17:57 Don't bust me down!
17:59 Let's re-up tonight!
18:07 Oh!
18:08 I'm outta here!
18:11 You fool!
18:13 Look what you done!
18:14 Well now it's my turn! Don't do it, LT!
18:17 You leave me no choice!
18:23 No!
18:28 Ah!
18:30 No!
18:32 Let's go!
18:40 So, what songs did I miss? Dad, LT's gone crazy.
18:46 Yeah, that's the look.
18:51 Think he's gonna do something dangerous?
18:54 How should I know? Just keep loading missiles.
18:56 Pop music's hard work.
19:02 The Statue of Liberty?
19:04 Where are we?
19:08 All right, posse. That's our target.
19:17 Not mad.
19:19 That's our nation's largest mental illness-themed humor magazine.
19:23 Why don't we call it Everybody Hates Raymond?
19:27 Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it.
19:31 We can't let LT blow up mad.
19:33 Tina Brown was just starting to turn it around.
19:36 We gotta mellow him out. But how?
19:38 We would need the ultimate chill-out song.
19:40 And fast!
19:49 We heard what you said. Yeah, heard it old school.
19:53 It's NSYNC! Can the Chit Chat, Milhouse.
19:55 We've got just the song you need to defuse this whack attack.
19:58 Diffuse it old school.
20:00 About time.
20:04 Radical!
20:05 Awesome!
20:06 I can't read.
20:07 I can't sing without dancing.
20:09 Fine.
20:11 Thrust, spin, turn.
20:13 Pivot, pout, jiggy.
20:15 Jiggy, robot, do-si-do.
20:17 And close with a matrix.
20:22 Nobody pouts going into a jiggy. Yeah, that's stupid.
20:26 I want to twirl.
20:28 Aw, come on, guys. We've only got a few minutes.
20:31 Uh-oh.
20:39 Everybody okay?
20:40 Uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I actually feel better.
20:47 Well, boys, the party posse is over, but at least I saved you from a public spoofing.
20:55 Aw, man, we could have been on the cover of Mad.
20:58 They called me Smelson.
21:03 Smelson, it's funny because you smell.
21:09 Smelson, I could have thought of that.
21:11 Sure you could have. Off you go now.
21:18 You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S.
21:21 Navy. But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.
21:24 And don't forget pirates. And jellyfish.
21:27 Those whacking vertebrates will sting you.
21:29 Old school. So check out the Navy for a two or a four-year hitch.
21:33 We signed JC up yesterday.
21:34 What?
21:35 No!
21:41 Join the Navy.
21:56 It's NSYNC!
22:01 Oh!
22:04 I can't believe I'm eating Milhouse!
22:07 Yeah! Heard it old school!
22:09 No!
22:12 Bart was so cool.
22:13 A little short. He's about this tall. Don't print that.
22:25 It just sounds like something I would say.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Nina Skalka, Luann Van Houten, Adrian Belew, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Comic Book Guy, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Buck-toothed boy, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Boy with shades, Smug Girl, White-Haired Girl, Allison Taylor, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Brown-haired boy, Adolf Hitler, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Alfred E. Neuman, Cienega, Irish Policeman, 'N Sync, L.T. Smash, Party Posse

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character