Some Enchanted Evening

The Simpsons, season 1, episode 13. First aired May 13, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Krusty Gets Busted Bart Gets an F → The whole episode as text

From “Some Enchanted Evening”: “I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.” — I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.

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About the episode

Tired of being taken for granted, Marge vents about Homer on Dr. Marvin Monroe's radio call-in show, and Homer, mocked at work, plans a romantic dinner and hotel night to make amends. The babysitter he hires, Lucille Botzcowski, turns out to be the wanted Babysitter Bandit, and Bart, Lisa and Maggie have to outwit her while their parents are out.

Written by: Matt Groening and Sam Simon
Directed by: David Silverman and Kent Butterworth
Guest stars: Penny Marshall as Lucille Botzcowski; Paul Willson as Florist
Chalkboard gag: I will not yell fire in a crowded classroom
Production code: 7G01

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

348 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:05 The Simpsons
0:32 Oh,
0:39 my God.
1:31 And now to our own pie in the sky, Bill Pie in the KBBL traffic copter.
1:37 So come on in, Bill. Bad news, drivers.
1:39 There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
1:41 Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber necking and melon wrestling going on,
1:45 so expect to like... Hey, boomers!
1:47 All right, there's one left and he's mine.
1:54 Ooh.
1:56 Five, ten!
1:58 Uh-oh, school bus.
2:00 Hey, cool your jets, man. We're coming. We forgot the special lunches I made.
2:05 That's okay, Mom.
2:06 We got money.
2:07 Now, just a turn.
2:10 Over on the South Mountain Street,
2:12 traffic is still open now back up to the Springfield Harps Club Center Festival on B
2:17 Street. That's still going on. This is Bill Pye, your pie in the sky, saying goodbye.
2:23 Well, Maggie, it's just you and me again.
2:29 This is KBBL K-Babble. All talk 24 hours a day.
2:33 If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening audience,
2:36 we invite you to call our therapist at the airwaves, Dr.
2:38 Marvin Monroe.
2:39 Our number is 555-PAIN.
2:43 Don't be afraid. Call now.
2:48 Hello.
2:49 I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe.
2:52 First name, age, problem.
2:54 I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband.
2:58 He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me.
3:01 I don't know how much more of this I could...
3:03 Hey, lady, save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?
3:10 Okay, let's see. Next we have Marge.
3:13 She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.
3:16 Hey, turn it up. I love hearing those wackos.
3:19 Tell me about your husband, Marge. Well, when we were dating,
3:24 he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner.
3:28 And he had hair and he ate with utensils.
3:33 What was that last thing you said?
3:36 Isn't that your wife, Homer? Don't be ridiculous.
3:40 My wife worships the ground I walk on. Marge, it's what I call harsh reality time.
3:46 Your husband sees you as nothing.
3:49 Oh, okay. Well, thank you. No, no, no. Don't hang up.
3:53 The pig has made you into his mother.
3:55 You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.
3:58 Really? I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.
4:01 Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door,
4:05 you've got to tell him you're fed up. And if he doesn't start loving, you'll be leaving.
4:10 Leave Homer?
4:11 Please, don't use his real name. Leave Pedro?
4:16 Can you be that honest, Marge? Yeah. You'll tell him right when he comes home from work.
4:21 Yeah.
4:22 Say it like you mean it.
4:24 Yeah!
4:28 Aw, come on, Bart, not again.
4:30 Aw, where's your sense of humor?
4:33 Most having. Hello, is Al there?
4:35 Al? Yeah, Al.
4:36 Last name, Caholic.
4:38 Let me check.
4:39 Phone call for Al.
4:42 Alcoholic.
4:42 Is there an alcoholic here?
4:49 Wait a minute.
4:50 Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass.
4:52 If I ever find out who you are, I'll tell you.
5:00 I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.
5:02 Fill her up. Is everything okay, Homer?
5:05 Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, a hunk of beef jerky,
5:08 a couple pickled eggs, and you're out of here.
5:09 Let's just say I don't feel like going home tonight.
5:12 Jar, please.
5:15 Hey, you can have it with me. You got a domestic situation?
5:19 You might say that.
5:20 My wife's gonna leave because she thinks I'm a pig.
5:23 Homer. What?
5:24 Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
5:28 What?
5:29 Hey, Barney, am I a pig? You're no more of a pig than I am.
5:35 Oh, no.
5:36 See?
5:37 You're a pig.
5:39 Barney's a pig.
5:40 Larry's a pig. We're all pigs.
5:43 Except for one difference.
5:45 Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop,
5:48 hose ourselves off and act like human beings.
5:51 I'ma buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town.
5:55 Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
5:58 Gee, a romantic evening.
6:00 Nah, she's too smart to fall for that.
6:02 I'm now done.
6:04 After dinner,
6:05 the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town and not check out until
6:10 the next morning, if you get my drift. I read you loud and clear.
6:18 Wow, a quarter past six. What's keeping Dad?
6:21 Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meatloaf night?
6:28 I'd like some flowers. What kind of flowers?
6:31 You know, pretty ones, not dead.
6:33 Well, we have some beautiful long stem roses.
6:35 They're $55 a dozen.
6:38 One piece.
6:52 Hey, Mom.
6:54 How about some grub?
6:56 Yeah!
7:16 Your husband sees you as nothing.
7:19 A pig has made you into his mother.
7:22 You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.
7:27 Doesn't start loving on your leaving.
7:42 Marge, I love you.
7:47 Marge, honey, I love you.
7:52 Marge, I love you, baby.
7:56 Marge, sweetie, honey, Honey, honey, this will never work.
8:10 I love you, Marjorie.
8:12 Oh, I love you, too.
8:19 A little pre-dinner entertainment.
8:22 How's tavern? Is Oliver there? Who?
8:25 Oliver, close off. Hold on, I'll check. Oliver, close off.
8:30 Call for Oliver, close off.
8:35 And I made reservations at the Chaz-Paris.
8:38 But, Homer, it's so expensive.
8:41 It matters not, mon frere.
8:43 And after desserts, we'll adjourn to our second floor room at the off-ramp-in.
8:47 Homer, I feel giddy.
8:49 Wait, what about a babysitter?
8:51 Oops.
8:52 Not to worry.
8:53 Listen, you lousy bop. If I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open.
8:57 Goodness, must be a crossed wire.
9:02 Rubber baby buggy bumper babysitting service.
9:05 This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.
9:08 Wait a minute.
9:09 The Simpsons?
9:10 Lady, you've got to be kidding.
9:16 Rubber baby buggy bumper babysitting service.
9:19 Hello, this is Mr.
9:21 Samson.
9:22 Did your wife just call a second ago? No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
9:25 Thank God.
9:27 Those Simpsons were a bunch of savages.
9:30 Especially that big ape father.
9:33 No!
9:33 Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours,
9:36 and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
9:41 Mom, you look so glamorous.
9:44 Well, tonight is a very special night.
9:47 Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing.
9:50 Dad dances? Like an angel.
9:54 Papa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
10:00 Papa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Work that body, Homer.
10:04 You know, one day you'll learn to move like your old man.
10:08 Not if I can help it.
10:10 Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mumbo.
10:14 You don't have a clue, do you, Dad?
10:17 Out, boy.
10:18 Ouch!
10:19 What a grump.
10:21 Mm-hmm.
10:24 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
10:26 Mm-hmm.
10:32 Smooth as a baby's behind.
10:35 Papa.
10:36 Papa-papa-papa-papa-papa-papa. Precious, I think I hear the doorbell.
10:41 I think you're right, Dumplin'. Bart, get the door!
10:45 Aye-aye, Mumbo Man.
10:56 You must be the babysitter. Yes, I am Ms.
10:58 Botts.
10:59 Well, just don't stand there, boy.
11:01 Help Ms. Botts with her suitcases.
11:03 I can handle my own luggage.
11:05 Thank you for coming on such short notice, Ms.
11:07 Botts.
11:08 Here are the phone numbers of the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where
11:11 we'll be spending the night.
11:13 You'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour.
11:17 Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library.
11:20 Oh, boy! The happy little elves meet the curious bear cop.
11:23 Oh, the elves, the elves.
11:26 Hi, kids.
11:27 Watch out for the boy.
11:30 Bye now.
11:32 Be good.
11:34 Gotta go.
11:38 Come, children. Let's go watch the happy little elves.
11:41 Look, lady, we've seen the crappy little elves about 14 billion times.
11:45 Maybe we can watch some real TV.
11:47 I said we're gonna watch the tape.
11:49 That's merely suggested viewing matter, lady.
11:51 Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want.
11:53 I said you're gonna watch this tape.
11:56 And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna do something to you.
11:59 And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.
12:10 They all look so tasty. but I think I'll eat this one right there.
12:16 Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir?
12:19 Why?
12:20 Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down,
12:23 it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.
12:27 Oh, okay.
12:28 Then I'll take that one there with the beady eyes.
12:31 Excellent choice, sir.
12:33 May I lead you to your table?
12:35 Oui, oui.
12:36 After you.
12:37 And I'll be seeing you later.
12:43 Help!
12:45 Faster! Faster!
12:46 We gotta save Bubbles!
12:49 Oh, man, I can't take it anymore.
12:51 But I wanna see what happens.
12:53 You know what happens. They find Captain Cook's treasure.
12:57 All the elves dance around like little green idiots.
12:59 I puke the end. Bart, you're just like Chewie, the elf we cannot love.
13:03 Now for some real TV.
13:06 All right! America's most armed and dangerous.
13:09 Oh, no, Bart!
13:10 We'll have nightmares. Relax.
13:13 This is cinema verite.
13:14 When the brutal slow-motion killing starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes.
13:17 The cubo killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
13:22 If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
13:26 Homer, you look just like a little boy. Because I'm so carefree?
13:30 No, because you're wearing a beard.
13:37 More champagne? Okay.
13:39 Whoops.
13:40 Time for a fill-up.
13:42 Garcon, another bottle of your second-least expensive champagne.
13:46 The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room,
13:49 while the bandit roamed through the house at will,
13:52 stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for.
14:14 You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating.
14:18 Except for one thing.
14:20 No chaperone.
14:23 The babysitter bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies across the
14:28 continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere,
14:32 about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting doves.
14:36 In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real babysitter bandit,
14:40 Miss Lucille Botsukowski.
14:42 Remember, she may be using a clever alias.
14:45 And should be considered armed and dangerous.
15:08 Run for it.
15:15 1-800-U-SNITCH. No, you squeal.
15:19 Oh, no.
15:23 Don't forget to tell me when you see the off ramp.
15:26 Oh, there it went.
15:31 No problemo.
15:32 We'll just get off at the next exit.
15:45 Bart?
15:54 Hmm.
15:56 Time to brush your teeth, wash your face, and say your prayers.
16:01 Are you in here?
16:05 Oh, homemade pickled beets.
16:09 Go ahead, take them all.
16:15 Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
16:20 Come on, come on.
16:23 Finally.
16:24 Hello, vigilant viewer.
16:26 You have reached America's most armed and dangerous.
16:28 I'm calling to report the babysitter bandit.
16:31 She's in our house right... Come on, Marge.
16:35 Let me carry you over the threshold.
16:37 Okay, but watch out. Don't slam my head like last time.
16:40 Sheesh, 11 years ago and you'd never forgotten it.
16:43 Don't mess my hair.
16:45 Oh!
16:49 Wee!
16:50 This is fun!
16:53 We know who you are, Ms. Bots. Or should I say Ms.
16:57 Botsukowski. You're the babysitter bandit.
17:00 You're a smart young man, Bart.
17:02 I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
17:04 He isn't.
17:06 You're crazy if you think you're going to get away with this lady.
17:08 You can't... I'm really not a bad person.
17:12 Here, while I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video cassette.
17:18 Quiet, Bart. Let's make the best of this.
17:22 Maybe I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
17:26 Oh, your blue thing with the things?
17:31 You'll see.
17:32 Well, shake a leg, Mama.
17:47 Kid stuff.
17:49 Well, hardly worth it.
17:52 A lot of junk.
17:54 Soils. Stupid Samson's.
18:10 Mikey! Mikey!
18:12 Come here.
18:17 Mikey!
18:20 Happy Halloween!
18:23 Maggie, want to watch the happy little elves again?
18:28 Okay, but you have to untie me first.
18:35 Oh, huh?
18:41 Oh,
18:45 so you got out of your crib. I guess you need to be tied up, too.
18:54 Maggie, where are you?
18:58 Maggie?
19:01 Ha, ha, ha.
19:06 Oh!
19:19 Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home?
19:24 You know, just to check on the kids.
19:36 Homer, wake up. There's no answer at home.
19:40 So? So I'm worried. I think we should go home.
19:44 All right, I suppose my work here is done.
19:48 Hello, vigilant viewer.
19:49 How may we help you? We caught her. We caught the babysitter, Bennett.
19:53 She's tied up at our house right now. Ask if there's a reward.
19:57 Is there a reward?
19:58 If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
20:00 Yeah!
20:02 How come all the lights are on? I don't like the looks of this.
20:06 Miss Budge! Miss Budge!
20:09 Good Lord! What are those little hellions done now?
20:13 We're so sorry. We're so sorry.
20:17 Please turn off the TV.
20:19 I can't tell you how chagrined we are about all of this.
20:23 Oh, these things are heavy.
20:27 Just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay.
20:30 No, no, triple.
20:31 Thank you.
20:32 Mr. Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice?
20:34 Sure.
20:35 Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
20:38 Ain't that the truth. You know what time he...
20:46 This way to the scene of the crime, man.
20:48 I got her tied up in the den. Just a minute, young man.
20:51 I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time,
20:54 but I just had to untie your babysitter and pay her off so that...
20:58 Excuse me, sir.
20:59 Are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious
21:02 babysitter bandit?
21:04 The what?
21:05 The babysitter bandit.
21:07 Oh, uh, are you sure this microphone works?
21:11 Uh, well, uh, I wouldn't say I aided her.
21:14 This is on, right? Because actually it was quite a struggle.
21:18 Oh, Homer.
21:19 Have you ever seen a kung fu movie? It was just like that.
21:22 But now I know her moves. So if you're listening to me, lady,
21:26 you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again.
21:32 Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
21:36 Oh.
21:37 Homer, don't say that.
21:39 The way I see it,
21:41 if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger,
21:45 you must be doing something, right? Yeah.
21:51 Yeah.
21:55 Honey, can we make up again? Oh, my goodness.
22:09 Thank you.
22:45 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Marvin Monroe, Space Mutants, Yendor, Bubbles, Curious Bear Cub, Lucille Botzcowski, Binky, Cheery, Larry Davis, Doofy, Drummer, The Larry Davis Experience, Babysitting Lady, Guitarist, Half-Bald Worker, Florist, Homer, Maitre D', Moldy, America's Most Armed and Dangerous Presenter, Bill Pye, Captain Cook, Chez Paree Lobsters, Happy Green Idiots, Howard, KBBL Guy, Marge's demons, News Reporter, News Reporter

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character