Simpson and Delilah

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 2. First aired October 18, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Bart Gets an F Treehouse of Horror → The whole episode as text

From “Simpson and Delilah”: “I have hair.” — I have hair.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Homer bills the costly hair tonic Dimoxinil to the plant's medical insurance with a bogus claim, sprouts a thick head of hair, and is promoted to executive by Mr. Burns. With his capable new secretary Karl, Homer thrives until Smithers uncovers the fraud. Karl takes the blame, Bart spills the last of the formula, and Homer has to face the big executive meeting bald.

Written by: Jon Vitti
Directed by: Rich Moore
Guest stars: Harvey Fierstein as Karl
Chalkboard gag: Tar is not a plaything.
Couch gag: Egyptian Dance
Production code: 7F02

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

376 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
1:00 Beep, beep.
1:22 Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?
1:27 Hitler! Hitler, North Dakota?
1:29 Bismarck. Bismarck. Hitler.
1:31 Hey, I'm still beating you, boy. Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white,
1:37 and what? Blue. Yellow. Orange.
1:40 Black. Green.
1:41 Green.
1:42 I was right!
1:43 Okay, we'll be right back with more grade school challenge after this important message.
1:48 I used to think that losing my hair was as inevitable as the tides.
1:51 Then I found out about Damoxonell, the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth.
1:56 Miracle breakthrough? There's been a miracle breakthrough?
1:59 The odds are Damoxanil can help me grow as much or as little hair as I want to.
2:04 Hey, today I'm gonna do it.
2:07 For your free brochure, send $5 to Damoxanil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.
2:11 Hair.
2:13 Just like everybody else.
2:20 You know, some women find bald men quite virile.
2:23 Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough.
2:27 Not one of these cheapo sucker deals.
2:34 Allow me to present the Damoxynil action set in its entirety.
2:38 A six month supply of the drug, gravity boots, scalp massager,
2:43 and your t-shirt.
2:44 Great, great, great. How much, how much, how much?
2:46 One thousand dollars. A thousand bucks?
2:49 I can't afford that.
2:50 Hmm.
2:51 Well, we do have a product which is more in your price range.
2:55 However,
2:55 I must assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely
2:59 coincidental.
3:00 A thousand bucks of all the rip-off, screwed-job, chip-joint.
3:07 Forget you, pal.
3:09 Thanks for nothing.
3:11 So I say, forget you, pal.
3:14 Thanks for nothing. And I start right out of there.
3:17 Ha-ha, that's telling them, Homer.
3:19 Oh, not a tartar sauce.
3:21 They call this a portion. Hey, Lenny, are you going to use all of your tartar sauce?
3:25 Dry fish sticks. This sucks. Quit complaining, Crumb Dumb.
3:29 If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that.
3:32 Oh, man, don't be a sap all of your life.
3:34 Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively.
3:37 Charge that demoxonell stuff to the company.
3:39 But it's a thousand bucks. Burns would can my butt in no time flat.
3:42 Ooh, a thousand bucks. So what? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory backscratcher.
3:47 Yeah.
3:47 Besides, you pay money into the insurance fund every week.
3:50 What do you ever get out of it?
3:51 Nothing.
3:52 Well, that newsletter. Exactly.
3:54 Why should you get nothing while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot?
3:58 You got me.
3:59 Uh, I'd like to charge that demoxinil stuff to my health insurance.
4:05 Look, buddy, I don't know who put you up to this,
4:07 but no insurance plan in this state covers something as frivolous as demoxinil.
4:15 Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes.
4:18 Come alone.
4:41 Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
5:06 I have hair.
5:14 Look!
5:16 Good morning, Springfield.
5:18 Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Winfield. Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie?
5:23 Good morning, Moe's Tavern.
5:25 Hi, it's the president.
5:27 Good morning, everybody.
5:29 Good morning.
5:31 Good morning, everybody.
5:32 Good morning, Springfield.
5:37 Demoxonil.
6:05 Homer Simpson, why, why, why, you haven't been here in 20 years.
6:08 Hey, you got rid of the sideburn.
6:11 Give me the usual.
6:13 He's much happier at work at, well, just between us girls.
6:17 Well, he hasn't been this frisky in years.
6:20 I don't want to think about it. Daddy's home, sugar.
6:28 Come here, you.
6:30 Whoa!
6:31 Homie, my sisters are here.
6:34 Ah, dinner with three beautiful women. They must be in heaven.
6:37 This is horror?
6:39 Oh, my.
6:40 Patty, stop drooling. Look who's talking.
6:48 Hey, there's something different about you, Homer.
6:50 Did you lose some weight? Yeah, you look like you got a tan or something.
6:53 I know what it is. A new tie.
6:56 Morons.
6:57 Pathetic morons and my employee stealing my precious money.
7:01 This is hopeless.
7:02 None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
7:03 It's in the union contract, sir.
7:05 One token promotion from within per year.
7:08 Wait! Who is that young go-getter? Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson,
7:13 only more dynamic and resourceful. Simpson, eh?
7:16 Hmm.
7:17 An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image.
7:21 A new junior executive.
7:23 Bring him to me.
7:25 Attention, Homer Simpson.
7:27 You have been promoted.
7:28 You are now an executive.
7:30 Take three minutes to say goodbye to your former friends and report to room 503 for
7:33 reassignment to a better life.
7:40 Well, your resume seems in order. Besides typing and stuff,
7:44 do you have any other qualifications I should know about?
7:46 I give great back rubs to Harriet executives.
7:48 Here, let me show you. No, no, that'll be fine.
7:51 Thank you. Goodbye.
7:54 Hello? Hello, homie. How's my big, important executive?
7:57 Oh, Marge, every woman I interview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me.
8:02 Hello, Mr. Simpson.
8:04 I'm Carl.
8:05 He sounds good. Hire him. I'll call you back, Marge.
8:08 Simpson, meeting in the boardroom tomorrow at 2.
8:11 Just sit there and keep your mouth shut.
8:13 Got it? Yes, Mr. Schmidt.
8:14 He thinks he's so big You don't belong here You don't belong
8:20 here You're a fraud and a phony And it's only a matter of time until they find you out Who
8:26 told you?
8:26 You did You told me with the way you slump your shoulders The way you talk into your chest
8:31 The way you smother yourself in bargain basement lime green polyester I want you to say to
8:36 yourself I deserve this I love it I am nature's greatest
8:42 miracle Go ahead, say it I... I... Trust me, Homer.
8:45 I... Take a step and say it. I deserve this.
8:49 Louder. I deserve this. Shout it. I am nature's greatest miracle!
8:54 I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.
8:57 You got it, buddy!
8:58 Let's go shopping.
9:06 Ooh, beauty.
9:08 A man's suit should make him feel like a prince.
9:11 It should cry out to the world. Here I am Don't judge me,
9:15 love me Do any of these suits do that?
9:18 No
9:21 I like this No, no, no, no, no Stand naturally, Mr.
9:25 Simpson Let it all hang out
9:28 You, conceal it
9:35 Mom and Dad have been smooching again Gotta run, Marge,
9:38 can't be late Happy anniversary, Homer What?
9:41 Our anniversary? Are you sure? Oh, don't worry, homie.
9:45 This year you have an excuse for not remembering.
9:47 What with your job and... Happy anniversary, Mrs.
9:50 Homer Simpson.
9:51 You are so beautiful to me.
9:56 Yeah.
9:57 You are so beautiful to me.
10:01 Can't you see?
10:04 Mr.
10:05 Simpson, it's calm.
10:07 Ah, it sounds like everything has arrived.
10:10 Wonderful.
10:11 You did this? Yes, sir. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds.
10:14 You are so beautiful to me.
10:20 I love you, Homer.
10:23 I love you, Carl.
10:25 Marge.
10:26 Proceed, Smithers.
10:27 Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high worker accident rate.
10:32 Any suggestions?
10:34 A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
10:36 We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
10:38 Well, those are my ideas.
10:39 You people don't think you regurgitate.
10:41 That's why I promoted someone who's in touch with the workers.
10:44 You.
10:45 I think I mean him, sir. You, then. How would you improve the worker situation?
10:50 Well, sir, for one thing,
10:52 we had a problem every Tuesday when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks.
10:56 Fish sticks? What in blazes are you talking about?
10:58 Well, sir,
10:59 they cut the head off the fish and chop up the rest of the sticks and then put seasoned
11:02 breadcrumb on it. I know what fish sticks are.
11:04 Get to the point.
11:05 Well, you only get this tiny little cup of tartar sauce to dip in them,
11:09 and I always run out. Will you stop wasting our time, Simpson?
11:12 Shut up, Smithers!
11:13 Can't you see what he's saying?
11:14 A happy worker is a busy worker.
11:16 Three cents worth of tartar sauce could save us thousands of man-hours and labor.
11:20 I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.
11:23 Let the fools have their tartar sauce.
11:27 Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys. Enjoy!
11:30 Give me your plates.
11:31 Don't crowd.
11:32 Plenty for everybody.
11:36 Hmm. Brilliant.
11:37 Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms would pay off so quickly?
11:42 You know, sir,
11:43 accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to
11:47 have caused last month.
11:48 And our output level was just as high during Simpson's last vacation.
11:52 My dear, tired old Smithers, do I detect a note of jealousy?
11:57 It is time.
11:59 Give Simpson the key.
12:02 Mr. Simpson, don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer.
12:05 They've given you the key.
12:09 The key?
12:11 Oh, who's cracking?
12:16 Oh, boy.
12:29 Stunning.
12:30 Absolutely stunning.
12:35 Oh, hey, old man.
12:37 You know, I was watching the Dumont last night,
12:38 and I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox.
12:42 Now, there's a man who could get things done.
12:44 Towel, please, Simpson.
12:46 Allow me, sir. I said Simpson.
12:48 It's a sure thing, Mr. Burns.
12:51 Well done, Simpson.
12:52 Now, walk behind me down the hallway. Can do, sir.
13:26 $1,000?
13:28 Damoxinil?
13:29 Keep brain from freezing?
13:31 Now I've got you, Simpson.
13:40 Between your hair care products and new wardrobe,
13:42 we're not saving anything for a rainy day.
13:44 Rainy day? There's never going to be a rainy day, March.
13:47 There's not a cloud in a Simpson sky.
13:50 And what does my little girl want?
13:52 An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
13:56 How about a pony? Okay.
13:58 I want you to weave that patented Simpson magic with my executives.
14:02 A short speech. Work, work, work. You know.
14:04 Well, okay. What the heck? Excellent.
14:06 Set you to your task, Simpson.
14:10 Hmm.
14:11 Now, Mr. Burns,
14:12 it is my sad duty to report that one of your executives has bilked the company insurance
14:16 plan out of $1,000. What?
14:18 Blast his hide to Hades!
14:21 And I was going to buy that ivory backscratcher.
14:24 How did he do it? He charged the company for demoxonil.
14:27 It's a baldness cure. Thank you very much, Professor Science.
14:30 I know what demoxonil is. Now, go and make an example of this hooligan.
14:34 With pleasure, sir.
14:37 Carl, you gotta help me. Mr. Burns wants me to make some speech to his executives and...
14:42 What do you want? Oh, just thought I'd drop by to tell you that you're fired.
14:46 What?
14:46 Our company does not look kindly upon $1,000 worth of insurance fraud.
14:50 Clean out your desk by noon, Simpson.
14:53 Wait, Mr. Smithers.
14:55 Homer Simpson is innocent.
14:57 I did this. You did? What are you talking about?
14:59 Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety.
15:02 I take full responsibility.
15:04 Really?
15:05 Oh.
15:06 Well, then, you're fired, whoever you are.
15:09 Here's your thousand dollars.
15:12 Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald?
15:14 My reasons are my own.
15:18 Carl, you saved me. Why?
15:22 Have I done something extraordinary here today?
15:24 No.
15:26 I did what I was born to do,
15:28 what any good soldier would have done when a live grenade threatened his commander.
15:32 I threw myself upon it and bore its terrible brunt.
15:37 Thanks, Carl.
15:39 I don't know what to say.
15:41 Just walk me to my car.
15:45 Bye, Carl.
15:46 I'm gonna miss you.
15:48 Bye, Mr. Simpson.
15:54 Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today?
15:58 Don't meow.
15:59 Here.
16:10 Okay, okay, okay, you're broke, you're flat broke.
16:12 You don't have Carl anymore. He's not here, but you've got your hair.
16:15 That's right, it's all about hair. Oh, that big speech.
16:24 Oh-ho.
16:30 Hey, what's happening, hip cats? No way!
16:33 It's gotta be a fake!
16:35 It's like realsville, daddy-o.
16:43 Bart! What are you doing? Uh-oh.
16:47 Boy, you little... Uh-oh. Ah!
16:53 Boy, must die!
16:55 I love you, Dad!
16:59 Dirty trick.
17:00 Okay, I'm not gonna kill you,
17:03 but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days
17:06 You've ruined your father.
17:08 You've crippled your family and baldness is hereditary It is
17:16 Homer,
17:19 why don't you just call the pharmacy and...
17:21 I don't have a thousand bucks!
17:23 But you do, don't you Marge? You do, you do.
17:25 You've been squirreling it away, haven't you?
17:27 Saving it for a rainy day, that's what you said, right?
17:29 Homer!
17:32 Dad is taking this in a less heroic fashion.
17:47 Oh, homie.
17:48 I'm so sorry.
17:52 You got that big speech in five minutes, Simpson, huh?
17:54 You're not gonna hang yourself, are you?
18:01 Dear Mr. Simpson,
18:03 I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed numbered three by five
18:07 cards.
18:08 All the big words are spelled phonetically.
18:11 God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special creatures.
18:17 Your obedient servant, Carl.
18:21 Good luck, sir.
18:22 Carl, so that wasn't just a sweet voice I heard inside my head.
18:25 What are you doing here? I just came to say goodbye to the gals in the typing pool.
18:29 Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Carl.
18:31 But I can't give it. Look at me. I guess I haven't taught you anything.
18:35 What do you mean? Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key,
18:39 drying your boss's hands.
18:41 You did it all. It was never the hair.
18:43 You did it because you believed you could and you still can.
18:46 No, I can't. I'm just a big fool. Oh, no, you're not.
18:49 How do you know? Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool.
18:53 Carl. Now go get him, tiger.
18:57 Roar!
18:59 And now, with some fresh insights,
19:02 one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family, Homer Simpson.
19:09 What in blazes? Who is that old geezer? And what has he done with Homer Simpson?
19:13 He is Homer Simpson, sir.
19:16 A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
19:20 He's crazy! Yet we at this power plant are doing this every hour of every day.
19:25 Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods.
19:28 I can save this company millions of dollars a year.
19:31 How?
19:32 Through Jiko Konri, the Japanese art of self-management.
19:35 This bald man has no ideas. This is a joke.
19:38 I'm not laughing.
19:39 Some nerve telling us how to run the plant.
19:42 He doesn't even have hair.
19:43 ...inefficiently mining uranium that can be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign
19:47 markets.
19:48 The long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost for a net savings of 5
19:54 ,000...
19:57 ...lots of money.
19:58 Mr. Burns' office.
19:59 Right now.
20:03 Dead man coming through.
20:05 Well, well, well. A dashing young junior executive.
20:10 You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson.
20:13 I should fire you on the spot.
20:15 But I'm not going to.
20:18 Uh, why?
20:19 Simpson, how old do you think I am?
20:22 I don't know.
20:23 102?
20:24 I'm only 81.
20:26 You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days,
20:31 my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.
20:36 Oh, I was big man on campus until my senior year.
20:39 when I became as bald as a plucked chicken.
20:42 You see, Simpson, I, too, know the sting of male pattern baldness.
20:49 That's why I'm giving you your old job back.
20:52 What? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
20:55 Oh, now get out of here before I reconsider.
20:58 Oh, better hurry up.
21:00 Yeah, I can take your job, yeah.
21:03 Homer, are you still awake?
21:05 I've never been more awake in my life. What's wrong?
21:08 Are you kidding? I'm stuck in that dead-end job again.
21:13 The kids are going to hate me because I can't buy them all the stuff I promised them.
21:18 And you're not going to love me as much because I'm ugly and bald.
21:23 Oh, Homer.
21:24 Your job is always put food on our table.
21:27 And the kids will get over it.
21:30 And what about loving me?
21:33 Oh, Homer.
21:35 Come here. What? Come here.
21:37 You are so beautiful
21:43 to me.
21:46 You are so beautiful to me.
21:52 Can't you see?
21:54 You're everything that I hope for.
21:58 I'm everything you need.
22:02 You are so beautiful to me.
22:07 Thank you.
22:59 Shhh.
23:07 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Milhouse Van Houten, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Waylon Smithers, Mr. Burns, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Snowball II, Charlie, Springfield bears, Jebediah Springfield, Sylvia Winfield, God, Mr. Winfield, Jake the Barber, Karl, El Barto, Al Simmons, Half-Bald Worker, Daphne Burns, Dimoxinil Actor, Anniversary Singer, Dimoxinil user, Dr. H. Boyle, Executive 1, Executive 2, Executive 3, Guy Who Watched Homer's Speech 1, Guy Who Watched Homer's Speech 2, Hades, Moe's Tavern, Power Plant Employee, Sexy Assistant

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character