Treehouse of Horror

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 3. First aired October 25, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Simpson and Delilah Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish → The whole episode as text

From “Treehouse of Horror”: “Marge. Oh, Marge.” — Marge. Oh, Marge.

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About the episode

Bart and Lisa swap scary stories in the treehouse as Homer listens in. In one tale, a new house on a burial ground turns the family against one another; in another, aliens Kang, Kodos and their cook Serak the Preparer abduct and overfeed the Simpsons until Lisa wrongly decides they will be eaten. Lisa then reads Poe's "The Raven", with Homer as the narrator and Bart as the bird.

Written by: John Swartzwelder; Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky; Edgar Allan Poe and Sam Simon
Directed by: Wes Archer; Rich Moore; David Silverman
Guest stars: James Earl Jones as Serak the Preparer
Production code: 7F04

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

333 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 Hello, everyone.
0:05 You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday.
0:09 Personally, I don't understand it.
0:11 Kids worshiping ghosts, pretending to be devils.
0:15 Things on TV that are completely inappropriate for younger viewers.
0:19 Things like the following half hour.
0:22 Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of,
0:27 is really scary. So if you have sensitive children,
0:31 maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight instead of writing us angry letters
0:36 tomorrow Thanks for your attention
1:09 What a haul this year. I love Halloween.
1:14 Wait a minute.
1:16 Let's see what the kids are up to.
1:18 And the policeman on the other end of the phone said, We have traced a call.
1:23 It's coming from the floor below you. Get out of the house!
1:27 But it was too late.
1:29 End of story.
1:30 Yawn. I heard that when I was in the third grade.
1:33 It's not scary. Is two. Is not.
1:35 Is two. Is not. Is two. Is not. Fine. Then you tell one scarier.
1:39 Flashlight, please.
1:42 Here's a story that's really scarifying.
1:46 Oh, brother.
1:47 I call it Bad Dreamhouse.
1:58 That's all of it. sign here. There you are, my man.
2:01 And a dollar for yourself.
2:03 A buck.
2:04 I'm glad there's a curse on this place. Huh?
2:07 Well, it's all ours. I still can't believe how inexpensive it was.
2:12 Motivated seller, Marge. Well, he certainly must have been motivated.
2:16 Prime location, 18 bedrooms, moat. We shouldn't be able to afford this.
2:21 So we got a good deal for once. Quit fighting it.
2:24 It just seems too good to be true.
2:27 Ow!
2:28 Mom, Bart threw a book at me! Did not. Did too.
2:31 Did not. Did too!
2:33 Get out.
2:35 What on earth was that? Hmm, probably just a house settling.
2:39 Hmm.
2:45 This kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch.
2:50 Homer!
2:52 What's this thing in the corner?
2:54 I don't know. It looks like a vortex, a gateway into another dimension.
2:58 Ooh, a vortex.
3:00 Catch!
3:05 Hey, pretty slick.
3:12 Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.
3:15 Mom, Dad, help!
3:21 Get out.
3:23 Okay, boy.
3:24 Let's see you talk yourself out of this one.
3:27 I can feel an evil presence in this house.
3:31 Evil?
3:31 Why, at least, you're scaring your mother.
3:33 Children, get your coats. We're leaving this house right now.
3:37 Now, wait a minute, Marge.
3:39 It's only natural there'd be some things wrong with an old house like this.
3:42 It's a fixer-upper.
3:45 What's the problem?
3:46 We get a bunch of priests in here.
3:48 I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
3:51 Don't be so stubborn!
3:54 We're not talking about a few dollars.
3:56 We're talking about a few thousand dollars.
4:01 It's got great high ceilings.
4:07 Tell you what, let's sleep on it, okay?
4:11 All right.
4:13 But if anything happens... What could happen?
4:20 They are all against you,
4:23 Bart You must kill them all They all must
4:28 die Are you my conscience?
4:32 Yes, I am
4:36 Lisa Lisa The Butcher Knife,
4:42 Lisa
4:48 They are all against me.
4:51 They all must die.
5:02 Marge. Oh, Marge.
5:06 I'm in the kitchen, Homer.
5:19 Die.
5:21 Everybody die.
5:30 What's going on out here?
5:32 Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it. Sorry.
5:35 Sorry, Bart. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, Maggie.
5:38 Oh, that does it. Children get dressed, we're leaving.
5:40 Oh, come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it.
5:42 I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled,
5:46 but we never had knife fights before. And I blame this house.
5:50 Mom, Dad, look.
5:54 It's an ancient Indian burial ground. Man, this place has got everything.
5:59 An ancient Indian what?
6:05 Mr. Plute, Homer Simpson here.
6:08 When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing.
6:11 You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground!
6:17 No, you didn't!
6:20 Well, that's not my recollection.
6:23 Yeah, well, all right, goodbye.
6:27 He says he mentioned it five or six times.
6:29 Let's go, children. Aw, gee, my.
6:32 You will die.
6:34 You will die slowly.
6:37 Your stomach will swell. Your intestines will writhe.
6:41 and boil.
6:42 Your eyes will burst and some horrible stuff.
6:47 Possibly your brains will start coming out through your nose.
6:52 Shush!
6:54 Shut up!
6:55 Quit trying to push us around!
6:57 Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!
7:06 Look at me. I've never been so angry.
7:09 My hands are shaking. Better than your eyes bursting.
7:12 Do it again.
7:13 What?
7:14 Make the walls bleed.
7:16 No.
7:16 Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood.
7:19 I don't have to entertain you.
7:21 Come on, man, do it. Do the blood thing.
7:23 Come on, do it. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
7:26 Why are you trying to scare us? Are you trying to keep us from getting close to you?
7:30 Maybe even loving you? Leave me alone.
7:33 Don't talk to her like that. Hey, listen, lady.
7:35 Oh, don't call me lady.
7:37 My name is Marge Simpson. This is my family and we're not going anywhere.
7:42 We're all going to have to live together, so you better get used to it.
7:46 Please.
7:48 Can I have a minute to think about this?
7:51 Sure.
7:56 Hmm.
7:57 Life with the Simpsons.
8:00 What choice do I have?
8:10 Bitches!
8:11 It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us.
8:14 You can't help but feel a little rejected.
8:21 That wasn't scary at all, Bart. Oh, yeah?
8:24 Well, how about this severed finger?
8:31 Ew, baby spit!
8:33 Well, that last story was just a warm-up for this mock-up retail, which I call...
8:41 Hungry are the damned.
8:45 Huh, all these flies.
8:47 Not to worry.
8:49 I'll just turn on the trusty bug zapper.
8:54 Ooh, that was a big mama.
9:12 That's just about to do it. Man alive,
9:15 there's nothing better than a hamburger grilled to perfection.
9:20 Cool, man.
9:35 The burgers are getting cold, Dot. Holy moly.
10:14 Greetings, Earthlings.
10:16 I am Kang.
10:18 Do not be frightened.
10:19 We mean you no harm. You speak English.
10:23 I am actually speaking Rigelian.
10:25 By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same.
10:30 Well, what are you going to do with this man?
10:31 Kodos and I are taking you to Rigel IV,
10:34 a world of infinite delights to tantalize your senses and challenge your
10:39 intellectual limitations.
10:41 Look, I know that to you we Simpsons are a lower order of life.
10:45 We face that prejudice every day of our lives.
10:48 But we are happy on our little planet. We throw ourselves on your mercy.
10:52 Please return us to... Detta time. Hey, get a load of that spread.
10:56 Here you go, earthlings.
10:58 Take all you want, but eat all you take.
11:00 Well, thank you very much, mister.
11:02 To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
11:07 Ooh.
11:10 Fried shrimp. Sloppy Joes.
11:13 Smothered pork chops.
11:14 Look, Homer.
11:15 Radish rosettes.
11:17 These are hard to make. They're a very advanced race.
11:20 Some earthlings eat, grow large with food.
11:27 There's something not quite right about this.
11:30 Girl's right.
11:31 Let's get some applesauce out here for these pork chops.
11:35 What are you looking at, buddy?
11:37 Your wife is quite a dish.
11:40 Ooh, thanks.
11:43 It is our great pleasure to provide you with unlimited entertainment on your...
11:48 Intergalactic journey.
11:49 On this cable system,
11:51 we receive over one million channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
11:54 You get HBO?
11:55 No, that would cost extra.
11:57 And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology,
12:00 an electronic version of what you call table tennis.
12:04 Your primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic...
12:06 Hey, that's just Pong. Get with the times, man.
12:09 Margie and I played that old game before we were married.
12:12 Well, we did build this spaceship, you know.
12:14 Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand.
12:24 All right, then.
12:26 Sorry.
12:27 Your game is very nice.
12:31 Dinner time.
12:33 Hey, how come we never see you guys eat?
12:36 Oh,
12:36 we wouldn't want to spoil our appetite for the great feast when we
12:42 land on Rigel IV.
12:44 Ooh, a feast! Will we be invited? Oh, you'll be at the feast.
12:49 I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor.
12:55 Tell us more about this feast. No, no, eat now.
12:59 When we arrive, there will be plenty of time to chew the fat.
13:11 Very good, Earth Boy.
13:19 Excellent, Mr. Simpson.
13:21 Excellent.
13:33 This will give these humans the perfect flavor.
13:51 Stop! Don't you see what's happening here?
13:53 They're fattening us up so they can eat us!
13:57 Oh, come on, Lisa! If you don't believe me, then just look at this book that I found!
14:03 Look!
14:04 She's right! Humans, you have stopped eating.
14:06 Listen, you big, stupid space creature.
14:09 Nobody, but nobody eats the Simpsons. I beg your pardon.
14:14 Don't play dumb with me. We found your book.
14:16 You mean this?
14:18 It's a harmless cookbook.
14:20 It's just a little dusty.
14:28 Wait a minute.
14:35 Wait, there's still more space dust on here
14:41 Let me get this straight You thought they thought we were going to eat them Good
14:47 God, is this some kind of joke?
14:49 No, they're serious Well, why were you trying to make us eat all the time?
14:54 Make you eat? We merely provided a sumptuous banquet it.
14:58 And frankly, you people made pigs of yourselves.
15:00 I slayed in the kitchen for dust for you people.
15:05 Well, if you wanted to make Serac the Preparer cry, mission accomplished.
15:10 You aren't the only beings who have emotions, you know.
15:21 We offered you paradise.
15:24 You would have experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love and a
15:29 thousand times greater than what you call fun,
15:32 you would have been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty.
15:37 But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be.
15:42 For a superior race, they really rub it in.
15:49 There were monsters on that ship, and truly we were them.
15:53 Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?
15:57 Way to go, Lisa.
15:58 Yeah, thanks, Lisa.
16:05 Hello?
16:06 Something scary happening?
16:12 Hey, Poindexter, it's Halloween. Put the book away.
16:16 For your information, I'm about to read you a classic tale of terror by Edgar Allan Poe.
16:22 Wait a minute, that's a school book. Don't worry, Bart, you won't learn anything.
16:26 It's called The Raven.
16:30 Once upon a midnight dreary...
16:33 While I pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume
16:38 of forgotten lore, while I nodded, nearly napping,
16:42 suddenly came a tapping as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
16:48 To some visitor... I muttered... Tapping at my chamber door.
16:53 Only this and nothing more. Are we scared yet?
16:58 Bard, he's establishing mood.
17:00 Ah, distinctly I remember.
17:03 It was in the bleak December,
17:05 and each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
17:08 Eagerly, I wished the morrow.
17:11 Vainly, I had sought to borrow from my books a cease of sorrow.
17:15 Huh?
17:16 Sorrow for the lost Lenore.
17:19 Oh, Lenore.
17:20 For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,
17:25 nameless here forevermore.
17:29 And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain thrilled me,
17:35 filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before.
17:38 So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
17:42 There's a visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.
17:44 This it is, and nothing more. Presently, my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer.
17:49 Sir, said I, or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore.
17:55 But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
17:59 and so faintly you came tapping,
18:00 tapping at my chamber door that I scared with sure I heard you.
18:04 Here I opened wide the door.
18:06 This better be good.
18:09 Darkness there, and nothing more.
18:13 You know what would have been scarier than nothing?
18:15 What?
18:16 Anything!
18:17 Back into the chamber turning.
18:19 All my soul within me burning.
18:21 Soon again I heard a tapping something louder than before.
18:26 Surely, said I.
18:27 Surely that is something as my window lattice.
18:30 Let me see then what there at is in this mystery explore.
18:33 Open here I flung the shutter, when with many a flirt and flutter.
18:37 In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
18:40 Not the least obeisance made he. Not a minute stopped or stayed he.
18:43 But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.
18:46 perched upon a bust of palace just above my chamber door, perched and sat,
18:51 and nothing more.
18:54 Don't I, Crespi Shorn and Shaventhal? I said.
18:57 Art sure no craven, cast the grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore?
19:03 Tell me, tell me what thy lordly name is on the night's plutonium shore.
19:08 Quoth the raven.
19:10 Eat my shorts. Bart, stop it. He says never more, and that's all he'll ever say.
19:15 Okay, okay.
19:20 Then me thought the air grew denser, perfumed by some unseen scent.
19:25 Stupid censure. Swung by seraphim, whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
19:31 Wretch! I cried. Thy God hath led thee. By these angels he hath sent thee.
19:35 Respite and depend thee from thy memories of Lenore.
19:38 Quaff, oh, quaff this kind Nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore.
19:43 Quoth the raven. Nevermore. Do be that word outside of parting!
19:49 Butterfiend! I shrieked up starting.
19:50 Get thee back into the tempest and the nice Platoonian shore!
19:54 Do leave no black plume as a token of the lie!
19:58 Thy soul has spoken!
20:00 Leave my loneliness unbroken!
20:02 Quit the bust above my door!
20:04 Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
20:10 Quoth the raven. Nevermore. Take thy beak from out my heart,
20:15 and take thy form from out my door. Quoth the raven.
20:19 Nevermore. Why, you little... Uh-oh!
20:24 Come back here, you little raven!
20:38 Nevermore! Nevermore! Nevermore! Nevermore!
20:45 Go!
20:51 And the raven, ever flitting, still is sitting,
20:55 still is sitting on the pallet bust of Pallas just above my chamber door.
21:00 And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
21:04 And the lamp light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor.
21:07 and my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be
21:13 lifted nevermore.
21:19 Lisa, that wasn't scary. Not even for a poem.
21:22 Well, it was written in 1845.
21:24 Maybe people were easier to scare back then.
21:27 Oh, yeah.
21:27 Like when you look at Friday the 13th Part 1.
21:30 It's pretty tame by today's standards. Children, bedtime!
21:34 I guess I'll have no trouble getting to sleep tonight.
21:55 Oh, no, Marge. Come on, please.
21:58 Homer, I'm not sleeping with the lights on.
22:01 They're just children's stories.
22:03 They can't hurt you.
22:07 Oh,
22:13 I hate Halloween.
22:32 Thank you.
23:04 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Snowball II, Itchy, Scratchy, Kang, Kodos, Binky, Elvis Presley, Paul McCartney, Mahatma Gandhi, Rigellians, The Grateful Dead, Bongo, Evil House, Ezekiel Simpson, Garfield, Ishmael Simpson, Lenore, Moving Man, Sacagawea, Serak the Preparer, Seraphim, The Raven, The Raven Narrator

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character