Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 4. First aired November 1, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Treehouse of Horror Dancin' Homer → The whole episode as text

From “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”: “this? Take it, take it, take it you poor schmo Mr.” — this? Take it, take it, take it you poor schmo Mr.

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About the episode

Bart hooks Blinky, a three-eyed fish, near the nuclear plant, and Governor Mary Bailey orders an inspection that finds hundreds of violations, so Mr. Burns runs against her to escape the cleanup bill. Homer backs his boss while Marge and Lisa side with Bailey. Before the election, Burns's team stages a televised dinner at the Simpsons' house, where Marge serves him Blinky and he spits it out on camera.

Written by: Sam Simon and John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Wes Archer
Chalkboard gag: I will not Xerox my butt
Couch gag: Folding Bed
Production code: 7F01

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

351 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Supes
1:43 Ah, so kids, caught anything?
1:46 Not yet, sir. Uh-huh.
1:48 What are you using for bait? My brother's using worms, but I,
1:52 who feel the tranquility, far outweighs the actual catching a fish, I'm using nothing.
1:56 I see.
1:57 And, uh, what's your name, son? I'm Bart Simpson.
2:00 Who the hell are you?
2:01 I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot.
2:05 And, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.
2:09 Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
2:12 All right! We eat tonight!
2:16 Wait a minute.
2:19 One, two, three.
2:38 Well,
2:39 leave it to good old Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous
2:43 genetic mutation.
2:45 Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time.
2:49 Like what?
2:50 Like getting Washington's birthday and Lincoln's birthday back as separate paid holidays.
2:55 President's Day.
2:56 What a rip-off. I bust my butt day in and day out.
3:00 You're late for work, Homer. So? Someone will punch in for me.
3:03 Try not to spill anything, Dad. Keep those mutants coming, Homer.
3:07 I'll mutin' you.
3:12 Oh, man. Plain cake donuts.
3:15 Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys.
3:17 Why can't I ever get here on time?
3:20 Aye-ho, faceless employees.
3:22 In a few moments, the government inspection team will be touring our plant.
3:28 So look busy and keep your mouth shut.
3:30 That is all. Very stirring, sir. Uh-oh.
3:34 Here they come. Hold me, Smithers.
3:40 Okay, men. Got your counters on.
3:45 I suppose that's normal background radiation,
3:48 the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility,
3:51 or for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
3:54 Sorry.
3:56 Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
3:59 I'm as shocked as you are.
4:02 Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
4:04 Oh, now that shouldn't be.
4:09 Yeah, well, it's always been like that.
4:14 Just resting my eyes. Ah, well done.
4:16 A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
4:20 Monitoring station unmanned.
4:22 Look here, Inspector.
4:24 Can I speak to you privately in my office?
4:28 Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable...
4:34 Oh, look.
4:35 Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my
4:40 coffee table. Uh, Smithers,
4:43 why don't we leave the room and hopefully when we return the pile of money will be gone
4:52 Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here Burns,
4:56 if I didn't know better I think you were trying to bribe me Is there some confusion about
5:01 this? Take it, take it, take it you poor schmo Mr.
5:06 Burns, I'm gonna overlook this felony However,
5:09 I will not overlook the 342 violations I have observed at your plant today.
5:15 Either bring this place up to code or we'll shut it down.
5:20 Good day.
5:22 Oh, well.
5:24 A little dab of paint here, a little spackle there.
5:28 How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?
5:32 Approximately $56 million, sir. $56 million?
5:35 Don't hit me, sir. Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you, Smithers.
5:38 Now, please go.
5:41 I would be alone.
5:57 Once I built a railroad,
6:00 made it run,
6:03 made it race against time.
6:07 Once I built a railroad, now it's done, brother.
6:13 Can you spare a dime?
6:16 Half a million boots went slogging to hell.
6:20 I was a kid with a drum.
6:23 Empty.
6:25 Bah!
6:25 Ah!
6:26 Just resting my eyes.
6:28 Oh.
6:29 Holy moly! 9.30.
6:32 Hello, Marge.
6:33 Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse down here.
6:36 Yeah, these 12-hour days are killing me.
6:41 Here it go.
6:45 Hey, don't you remember?
6:48 They called me Al.
6:50 It was Al all the time.
6:53 Hey, don't you remember?
6:56 I'm a pal.
6:58 Buddy, could you spare a dime?
7:13 Mr. Burns?
7:14 Sorry sir, it's just me, Homer Simpson.
7:17 Is everything alright?
7:20 Working late, Simpson?
7:21 Uh, yes sir.
7:23 You and I are a dying breed, Simpson.
7:26 I'm going to share something with you.
7:27 Hop in.
7:31 Ooh, cushy.
7:33 Homer, they're trying to shut us down. They say we're contaminating the planet.
7:38 Well, nobody's perfect.
7:40 Can't the government just get off our backs?
7:42 You know, I was just telling the wife that if I was governor,
7:45 I'd do things a lot differently.
7:47 Don't get off your soapbox, Simpson. Do you realize how much it costs to run for office?
7:50 More than any honest man can afford. I bet you could afford it, though.
7:54 Don't get me wrong. I mean, you're an honest man.
7:57 I mean, it just meant that you could afford to run for governor if you felt like it.
8:00 Of course, I'm just rambling because you keep staring at me like that.
8:04 But it's true.
8:05 I mean, if you were governor, you could decide what's safe and what isn't.
8:09 Where are we going, sir?
8:11 To create a new and better world.
8:15 If it's underway, could you drop me off at my house?
8:22 Well, he's got my vote. Hmm, we're a Mary Bailey family.
8:27 Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
8:30 I'm for Monty Byrd. Ooh, a political discussion at our table.
8:34 I feel like a Kennedy.
8:35 Well, frankly,
8:36 I don't see how one of the most despicable men who ever lived has a chance against Mary
8:40 Bailey, the most beloved governor our great state has ever known.
8:44 Now, here's the problem as I see it.
8:47 While Governor Bailey is beloved by all,
8:50 98% of the voters rate you as despicable or worse.
8:53 That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy.
8:57 This is your speech writer, your joke writer, your spin doctor, your makeup man,
9:02 and your personal trainer. Their job is to turn this Mr.
9:06 Burns into this.
9:08 Why are my teeth showing like that? Because you're smiling.
9:12 Ah, excellent.
9:14 This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.
9:18 But how do we turn your average Joe six-pack against Mary Bailey?
9:22 With this team of investigators.
9:24 Your muckraker. How do you do? Your character assassin.
9:26 Nice to meet you. Your mudslinger. Your garbologist.
9:29 Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this into this.
9:35 Ah, visual aids help so much. Thank you.
9:38 But first, there's a burning issue that we need to address and neutralize immediately.
9:44 I hate that fish.
9:50 Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement brought to you by the Friends of
9:54 Montgomery Burns. Burns, change the channel.
9:56 You change it. No, you change it. I changed it last week.
9:59 Fine. Be a jerk.
10:01 Then we'll just sit here and watch it.
10:03 Oh, no.
10:04 An election?
10:06 That's one of those deals where they close the bottles, isn't it?
10:09 Sorry, Barney.
10:10 I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
10:13 Oh, Marge, what the big deal?
10:16 I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
10:18 you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
10:22 Thirty seconds to air, Mr. Burns. Now remember to smile.
10:25 I am smiling. You'll have to do better than that.
10:30 How's this?
10:31 There you go. I'm going to be sore tomorrow.
10:34 Well, we've done all we can, Mr. Burns. The rest is up to you.
10:37 Oh, don't worry.
10:38 By the time this paid political announcement is done,
10:40 every Johnny Lunch Pail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hand.
10:45 Oh, hello, friends.
10:47 I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor,
10:49 and I'm here to talk to you about my little friend here, Blinky.
10:54 Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation.
10:57 Well, nothing could be further from the truth.
10:59 But don't take my word for it.
11:01 Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks.
11:05 Hello, Mr. Burns. Oh, hello, Charles.
11:07 Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your theory of natural selection.
11:11 Glad to, Mr. Burns. You see, every so often Mother Nature changes her animals,
11:16 giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs, or, in this case, a third eye.
11:22 And if these variations turn out to be an improvement,
11:24 The new animals thrive and multiply and spread across the face of the earth.
11:30 So you're saying this fish might have an advantage over other fish.
11:33 It may, in fact, be a kind of super fish.
11:36 I wouldn't mind having a third eye, would you?
11:39 No.
11:40 You see, friends,
11:41 if our anti-nuclear naysayers and choose-upsiders were to come upon an elephant
11:47 frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant,
11:49 they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman.
11:54 The truth is, this fish is a miracle of nature with a taste that can't be beat.
12:00 So, to summarize, say what you want about me.
12:04 I can take the slings and arrows,
12:06 but stop slandering poor defenseless Blinky.
12:11 Good night and God bless.
12:14 Only a moron wouldn't cast his boat for muddy
12:18 birds.
12:21 Wow, super fish! I wish the government would get off his back.
12:26 That burns is just what this state needs.
12:29 Young blood.
12:31 I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
12:34 Homer?
12:35 I'm a Bailey booster. Oh, yeah?
12:37 Well, I'm a Burns booster.
12:39 Ow!
12:40 Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
12:44 Giving me a total of... Six.
12:46 But we're on our way.
12:48 My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools.
12:54 I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.
12:59 Interesting strategy. Good luck. And I say taxes are too high!
13:08 Thank you!
13:28 Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey? Well, we've gone through her garbage.
13:32 We talked to her maid. And so far,
13:34 the only negative thing we have found is from some guy who dated her when she was 16.
13:38 Ah, and? He, uh, he filled her up. Bah! Not good enough.
13:42 We're gonna send a message to those bureaucrats down there
13:48 in the state capitol.
13:51 Is your boss governor yet? Not yet, son, not yet.
13:57 The voters now see you as imperial and godlike.
14:00 Hot dog.
14:01 But there's a downside to it.
14:02 The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with a common man.
14:05 Oh, dear, heaven forfend.
14:07 Which is why the night before the election,
14:10 we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers.
14:13 Oh, I get your angle.
14:15 Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me hunkering
14:21 down for chow with Eddie Punch Clock.
14:23 The media will have a field day.
14:25 The only question is, can we find someone common enough?
14:39 Well, I knew there would be sacrifices.
14:53 Oh, great toast, Marge.
14:56 Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr.
14:59 Burns is coming over for dinner. What? And some reporters and camera crews,
15:02 but you don't need to feed them. Cool, man, a media circus.
15:05 Absolutely not. Come on, Marge. Mm-hmm.
15:07 I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
15:11 Don't!
15:12 Kids, please leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
15:14 Uh-oh.
15:16 Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
15:22 We're hoping that one of the children might pop up with a question about the upcoming
15:25 election.
15:26 Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinner time tomorrow?
15:29 Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train.
15:33 Why are you so popular? Very good.
15:36 Well, as long as I'm asking something,
15:38 can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may
15:42 one day render it uninhabitable? No, dear, the card question will be fine.
15:45 Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
15:47 Marge! Don't worry. My daughter's very bright,
15:50 and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
15:53 And finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him.
15:58 But we must remind you, he hates being touched.
16:07 Marge, get back in bed.
16:09 No, I'm just fine right here. What's wrong?
16:12 I just want to snuggle. Well, I don't feel like snuggling.
16:15 What's that got to do with it?
16:16 I don't want to snuggle with anybody who's not letting me express myself.
16:19 But you do get to express yourself in the lovely home you keep and the food you serve.
16:26 Okay, Homer.
16:27 Fair enough.
16:28 You got it.
16:30 All right.
16:30 Good.
16:31 That's it. That's how I'm going to express myself.
16:33 That's right.
16:34 Good night.
16:35 Huh?
16:48 Well, what do we think? Hey, hello, handsome.
16:52 Hey, get that stuff off his face. We're here to have dinner with a common man,
16:56 not Tyrone Power.
16:58 Ladies, pose her in. It's dead even, 50-50.
17:02 This cornball stunt is going to put us over the top.
17:07 Whoa, he's here!
17:12 Hello, Homer.
17:14 Marge, you look dazzling. Oh, and look, I've brought Noodle Kugel.
17:23 Bad dog.
17:25 Bad neighbor dog. Here, let me help you up, Mr.
17:28 Burns.
17:29 Watch it.
17:30 I love dogs.
17:32 Babies, too.
17:35 Kitty, kitty.
17:37 Are you all right, Mr. Burns? Oh, of course.
17:40 A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.
17:49 The latest polls are in.
17:50 The statesmanlike way you handled the pet incident has put you over the top.
17:53 You're ahead 51 to 49.
17:55 Congratulations, Mr.
17:57 Governor.
17:57 Excellent.
17:58 Bart, would you like to say grace?
18:01 Dear God, we pay for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
18:07 Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy.
18:11 God bless them all.
18:12 Amen.
18:14 He's smoking.
18:18 Um, you know, Mr. Burns, my family and I,
18:23 um, feel that taxes are too high.
18:27 Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?
18:30 Goodness,
18:30 I didn't realize this casual dinner was going to turn into a charged political debate.
18:35 I was only reading what the government...
18:36 Homer, I agree with you, and if I'm elected governor,
18:39 I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats in the state capitol, like it or not!
18:45 Lisa, do you have a question you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery?
18:49 Yes, sir. A very inane one.
18:53 Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train.
18:58 Why are you so popular? Ooh, a tough question, but a fair one.
19:02 Lisa, there's no single answer.
19:05 Some voters respond to my integrity.
19:07 Others are more impressed with my incorruptibility.
19:10 Still others bind my determination to lower taxes,
19:13 and the bureaucrats in the state capitol can put that in their pipes and smoke it.
19:17 Oh, Mom, that felt awful. Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
19:21 It will all be over soon. But, Mom, we've become the tools of evil.
19:25 Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight,
19:27 and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
19:30 ...get a decent break or fair shake or even a square deal.
19:35 Mmm, smells delightful.
19:44 All right, three-eyed fish. Can I have your plate, Mr.
19:48 Burns?
20:20 He's blown it for sure.
20:23 Bruin before it hit the ground.
20:25 Get me the city desk.
20:26 Here's your headline, Phil.
20:28 Burns can't swallow own story.
20:29 The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity has plummeted to earth like so much half
20:33 -chewed fish.
20:35 You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve.
20:38 Smithers, boil some coffee. We're not licked yet.
20:41 Yes, we are. Come on, boys. The old guy's finished.
20:43 Wait!
20:43 Come back! You can't do this to me!
20:46 I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!
20:59 Smithers, dip over this table for me. Yes, sir.
21:06 Mr. Burns.
21:07 Mr. Burns. Shut up and wreck something!
21:11 Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.
21:16 She's right.
21:18 Take me home, Smithers.
21:19 We'll destroy something tasteful.
21:25 Ironic, isn't it, Smithers?
21:26 This anonymous clan of slack-draught troglodytes has cost me the election.
21:31 And yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail.
21:35 That's democracy for you. You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
21:39 Simpson,
21:40 I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled.
21:46 Uh-oh. You're busted, Dad.
21:48 Oh, my dreams will go unfulfilled?
21:51 Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that one bit.
21:54 That means I have nothing to hope for.
21:56 Marge, make it better, please. Can't you make it better, huh?
21:59 Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert,
22:04 occasional snuggling, and sleeping till noon on weekends,
22:08 no one man can destroy them. Hey, you did it!
22:31 Thank you.
23:02 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Jasper Beardsley, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Snowball II, Larry Dalrymple, Sam, Charlie, Dave Shutton, Scott Christian, Blinky, Phil, Hairdresser, Mary Bailey, Nuclear Inspectors, Burns' Campaign Team, Burns' Elephant, Charles Darwin, Chief Inspector, Mr. Burns' Campaign Leader, News Reporter

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character