Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

The Simpsons, season 2, episode 9. First aired December 20, 1990. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Bart the Daredevil Bart Gets Hit by a Car → The whole episode as text

From “Itchy & Scratchy & Marge”: “Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can't?” — Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can't?

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About the episode

When baby Maggie copies an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon by taking a mallet to Homer, Marge forms a protest group against cartoon violence and confronts studio head Roger Meyers Jr. on television. The cartoon turns gentle and Springfield's children head outdoors. But when her fellow protesters target Michelangelo's David, Marge defends the statue and admits she cannot pick what to censor, and the cartoon's violence returns.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Alex Rocco as Roger Meyers Jr.
Chalkboard gag: I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
Couch gag: Missing Couch
Production code: 7F09

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

330 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:00 Eek, eek.
1:10 Ah!
1:23 Mmm-hmm!
1:25 A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram.
1:30 You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
1:34 Oh, now, Homer, they're nothing special.
1:37 The extra ingredient is care.
1:39 A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon of turmeric, and a whisper of MSG.
1:45 Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack.
1:48 You don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
1:50 It's no trouble. I got a whole garage full of tools I never use.
1:54 Hey, kids.
1:55 I spy Itchy and Scratchy off to Port Pow.
1:59 Hey, down in front. Shut up, boy.
2:03 Bip, bite, and bite. Bip, bite, and bite, and bite.
2:06 Bite, bite, bite, bite, bite. The Itchy and Scratchy Show.
2:23 I knew all this stuff would come in handy someday.
2:27 Let's see now.
2:28 Ah, here it is. The complete handyman's bookshelf.
2:32 Volume 1.
2:34 Spice racks.
2:35 Mm-hmm.
2:36 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Pick up a hammer.
2:43 That's okay.
2:45 It's not as easy as I thought it was.
2:49 I don't have one.
2:50 Here they sing.
2:54 Ooh!
2:58 Wow! Wow.
3:26 Hey, Dad, can you move your head? No, I can't.
3:29 It's broken.
3:30 Hmm.
3:31 Where would an innocent child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet?
3:54 No, Maggie! Bad baby! Keep her away from me, Marge.
3:58 She's got that crazy look in her eyes again.
4:04 So television's responsible.
4:07 Hey, we were watching that. Mom, what are you doing?
4:09 Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore, ever.
4:12 But, Mom, if you take our cartoons away,
4:14 we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
4:17 Really?
4:18 What kind of robots?
4:20 I heard about the cartoons.
4:23 Tough break, man.
4:24 Thanks, Nelson. Hey, what if you watch your jeans scratchy over at my house?
4:29 Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.
4:33 You heard me.
4:35 I won't be in for the rest of the week.
4:38 I told you, my baby beat me up.
4:42 Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
4:45 Wise guy.
4:46 Hmm, I wonder why Bart and Lisa are so late getting home from school.
4:50 Ha ha ha ha ha!
5:07 Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can't?
5:11 Because... Because why?
5:12 Because I said so. Because you said so, why?
5:15 Homer!
5:15 I'm trying to work!
5:16 Oh, what are you doing? I'm cataloging the violence in these cartoons.
5:21 I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before.
5:36 What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
5:43 This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable for younger and more
5:47 impressionable viewers?
5:50 Yeah, but what are you going to do? I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
5:53 I'm going to write a letter.
5:57 Dear purveyors of senseless violence,
6:01 I know this may sound silly at first,
6:04 But I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are
6:09 influencing their behavior in a negative way.
6:13 Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine
6:19 programming.
6:20 Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
6:23 Take a letter, Miss White.
6:25 Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itzy and Scratchy program.
6:29 Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add
6:33 to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show,
6:37 our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference no matter how big a
6:42 screwball she is. So let me close by saying...
6:45 And the horse I rode in on, I'll show them what one screwball can do.
7:16 Everybody's looking at us, Marge. Well, that's what we want them to do, Homer.
7:21 Oh.
7:23 Well, how long are we going to have to be doing this?
7:26 Well, I've never changed the world before, so I don't know how long it takes exactly.
7:30 But if enough people take an interest...
7:32 Hello, Marge. Oh, what is S-N-U-H?
7:36 SNUH. Oh.
7:38 It stands for Springfieldians for Nonviolence, Understanding, and Helping.
7:43 I've started a crusade against cartoon violence.
7:47 I can protect my own children,
7:49 but there are many others whose minds are being warped every afternoon at four.
7:53 Oh.
7:54 That reminds me. I've got to get over to Millhouse's and play sports.
7:59 All right.
8:00 And I'm going over to Janie's again.
8:02 And we're going to be making the most of our childhood years.
8:06 Have fun.
8:06 We will.
8:13 And what happens when a child grows up with insanely violent role models like these?
8:18 The answer is all around you.
8:22 How many of you were hit on the head with mallets last week?
8:27 Yeah!
8:29 Right on, man!
8:34 I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad.
8:37 After dinner, can I watch cartoons? No. There's peas in my fruit cobbler.
8:41 There's peas everywhere.
8:43 Well, I guess I'll just go and watch some cartoons.
8:47 No.
8:47 I'm sorry about the dinners. I'll make up for it tomorrow night.
8:51 Hey, who's up for some cartoons?
8:53 No one. All right. Hey, tomorrow night, how about making some of your patented pork chops?
8:59 Hmm, sure. Oh, dear, I can't. I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.
9:06 Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
9:10 Hi, kids.
9:12 Guess what, Sancho Mel?
9:15 It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
9:20 Hey, Vidal, settle down, boys and girls.
9:24 Or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.
9:29 Please stop it!
9:31 What's going... Who are you people?
9:33 What do we want?
9:37 What do we want? No!
9:39 No!
9:39 You're ruining the show!
9:42 Oh, stop it!
9:44 Please stop!
9:46 Oh, please, ladies, be quiet!
9:49 What do we want? I don't know living here, all right?
9:51 Stop!
9:54 That woman, that's screwball Marge Simpson.
9:58 We've got to stop her.
10:00 But how?
10:01 Drop an anvil on her? Hit her on the head with a piano.
10:04 Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run.
10:07 All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do?
10:10 It made me sick.
10:12 Mm-hmm.
10:12 The best pilots and children grow at me!
10:15 When do we want it now?
10:17 The best pilots and children grow at me!
10:21 When do we want it now? Hmm.
10:24 I'm so funny.
10:30 You know, some of these stories are pretty good.
10:33 I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
10:35 So much needless brutality.
10:38 I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.
10:42 Don't do that! Don't do that!
10:45 Hey, don't do that!
10:53 Take that, you dumb squirrel.
10:58 Where did I get their ideas?
11:01 What is it?
11:02 What?
11:03 SmartLine?
11:04 Yes, I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show.
11:07 Well, I'd love to.
11:10 SmartLine with our local Emmy Award-winning host, Kent Brockman.
11:14 Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of SmartLine.
11:19 Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, no, of course not.
11:23 What kind of stupid question is that? But one woman says, yes.
11:26 And she's here with us tonight, Mrs. Marge Simpson.
11:28 There she is!
11:29 Also with us for this animated discussion
11:33 are Roger Myers, chairman of the board of Itchy and Scratchy International.
11:37 Thank you. Krusty the Clown,
11:38 whose delightful program brings us the antics of Itchy and Scratchy every afternoon at
11:42 four. Hi, Kent!
11:45 And joining us live via satellite from Vienna, the home of Sigmund Freud,
11:48 the world's most famous psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind, Dr.
11:54 Marvin Monroe.
11:55 Hiya.
11:55 Now, first, let's see what all the excitement is about.
11:58 Here's an example of the work currently being turned out at I&S Studios.
12:12 Hilarious. Now, what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs.
12:14 Simpson? There's nothing wrong with it. Excuse me.
12:17 Excuse me. He was addressing me. I know.
12:19 There's nothing wrong with it. Excuse me, there is.
12:21 I think that it's a bad influence on children.
12:24 Oh, give me a break. I think that is a bunch of baloney.
12:27 And here's why. In preparing for this debate,
12:29 I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing.
12:32 There was violence in the past long before cartoons were invented.
12:37 I see.
12:37 Fascinating. Yeah, and there was something called the Crusades, for instance.
12:41 Tremendous violence. Many people killed.
12:43 The darn thing went on for 30 years. And this was before cartoons were invented.
12:46 Oh, that's right, Kent.
12:48 So much for your viewpoint.
12:50 Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment on all this?
12:53 Uh, well, Kent, to me,
12:55 the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling
13:00 emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day.
13:03 I'm referring here to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism,
13:08 stuff like that. So you have no professional objection to itchy and scratchy?
13:12 No, not at all. In fact,
13:14 one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn,
13:19 dim the lights, turn on itchy and scratchy, and laugh myself silly.
13:23 And what the hell is wrong with that? Not a thing.
13:26 Now, for another opinion.
13:28 Hi, kid!
13:31 Krusty, please.
13:32 We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here.
13:35 Oh, I'm sorry, Kent.
13:37 Just when the camera gets on me, I... Hey!
13:41 Krusty!
13:43 Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight.
13:46 Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left, can you summarize your position for us?
13:50 Yes.
13:51 I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this to write in
13:55 and let the cartoon makers know how you feel.
13:58 Thank you.
13:59 I don't believe this. I will never watch your show, buy any of your products,
14:04 or break if I see you crossing the street.
14:08 Wow, that's cold.
14:12 Dear sleaze merchant, oh, come on, that hurts.
14:17 Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.
14:28 Hello?
14:34 Is this Marge Simpson?
14:36 Yes.
14:37 The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent anymore?
14:40 Yes.
14:42 This is my as I'm here with the writers.
14:44 Listen, you're so smart. How do we end this picture?
14:47 Well, what's the problem you're having?
14:49 Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone and...
14:52 Oh, make it a pie. Pie's easier to draw.
14:54 Okay, a pie.
14:56 Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset.
14:59 So we figured he could, you know, just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.
15:03 Oh, dear.
15:04 But then we remembered that this might be interpreted as violence,
15:07 which is morally wrong now, thanks to you.
15:10 So what's your big idea? How do we end this?
15:13 Let's see.
15:17 Oh, couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?
15:21 Then they would both have pie.
15:26 It's different, I'll give you that.
15:29 It's a tool that every home handyman needs.
15:31 It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe.
15:35 It's an asphalt spetter.
15:36 It's 67 tools in one. How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
15:41 $1,000.
15:42 Oh, don't answer yet. Oh, sorry. Because you also get...
15:45 Hey, I was watching that. It's time for Krusty.
15:48 You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom?
15:50 Yes, dear, all you want.
15:51 All right!
15:54 Turn it up! Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy.
16:00 The love they share, they share a love and share.
16:04 Love, love, love, share, share. The Itchy and Scratchy Show.
16:17 Lemonade?
16:21 Please.
16:22 I made it just for you.
16:24 You are my best friend.
16:28 Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.
16:31 I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing.
16:34 I think it sucks.
16:38 Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie.
16:40 Mmm, this really hits the spot.
16:42 Hm, doesn't it, though? You make really good lemonade, Scratchy.
16:45 Ha, ha, ha. Thank you, Itchy.
16:49 Wasn't that funny, boys and girls?
16:53 Well, wasn't it?
16:55 Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
16:58 Nah, come on, Lise. Maybe there's something else to do on this planet.
17:07 But the third bowl of porridge was just right.
18:20 Hi, kids!
18:25 Is it Saturday?
18:27 So, what did you kids do today?
18:30 Me and the guys went fishing. Almost caught a catfish this big.
18:34 And Janie and I went bird watching.
18:37 We saw a grackle. Oh, that's nice, dear.
18:39 Come on, Lise, let's go finish our soapbox racers.
18:42 Okay, may we please be excused? Sure.
18:46 Wow, what great kids.
18:49 This is a golden age, Marge. And the parents of Springfield owe it all to you.
18:54 I didn't really expect things to change this much.
18:58 Well, I always knew you'd change the world.
19:00 For the better.
19:02 This will be the art event of the century.
19:05 The greatest masterpiece of Italian Renaissance.
19:08 Michelangelo's David and a coast-to-coast tour of the United States.
19:12 Sir, which cities will be included in your itinerary?
19:15 New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.
19:20 Oh.
19:25 All right, shut the door.
19:27 What in the world?
19:33 Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination.
19:38 But that's Michelangelo's David.
19:40 It's a masterpiece.
19:42 It's filth. It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which,
19:45 practical as they may be, are evil. But I like that statue.
19:49 I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.
19:52 Come on, girls.
19:58 What is this all about? What do you people want?
20:00 We want you to get your big Italian butt out of here.
20:05 SmartLine with our local Emmy Award-winning host, Kent Brockman.
20:09 Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down?
20:13 That's our topic tonight on SmartLine. Now, Mrs.
20:15 Simpson, why are you against this statue?
20:17 I'm not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.
20:20 Wait a minute.
20:22 Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko?
20:24 Yes and no. Hold it.
20:26 How can you be for one form of freedom of expression like a big naked friend over there
20:31 and be against another form like Itching Scratchy.
20:35 Hmm.
20:36 Good question.
20:37 Well, I guess I can't, which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons.
20:42 Oh, yeah? Well,
20:43 what do you have to say to all those Marge Simpson wannabes out there who wish to suppress
20:47 David's doodle?
20:49 Hmm.
20:49 I don't know.
20:50 I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't.
20:55 Well, I guess that settles that.
20:58 But I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight.
21:01 Join us tomorrow when our topic will be religion, which is the one true faith.
21:40 Well, there he is.
21:43 Michelangelo's Dave.
21:44 Oh, David.
21:46 Oh, what's wrong, Marge? Oh, man.
21:49 Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art,
21:52 and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other.
21:56 Hey, don't worry, Marge. Pretty soon,
21:59 every boy and girl at Springfield Elementary School is gonna come and see this thing.
22:04 Really? Why?
22:05 They're forcing him!
22:08 Oh, isn't that nice?
22:28 Thank you.
23:01 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Krusty the Clown, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Maude Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Helen Lovejoy, Adrian Belew, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Itchy, Buck-toothed boy, Scratchy, Boy with shades, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Coward, Freddy, Marvin Monroe, Brown-haired boy, Sideshow Bob, Corporal Punishment, Grim Reaper, Roger Meyers Jr., Mrs. Powell, Phil, Disapproving Squirrel

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character