Kamp Krusty

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 1. First aired September 24, 1992. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? A Streetcar Named Marge → The whole episode as text

From “Kamp Krusty”: “as I gaze upon your beauty I've never seen an angel fly so low” — as I gaze upon your beauty I've never seen an angel fly so low

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About the episode

Homer sees through Bart's doctored report card but sends him to Krusty's summer camp with Lisa anyway. The camp turns out to be a squalid operation run by director Mr. Black, with Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney as counselors and imitation gruel at every meal. When Krusty's promised visit turns out to be Barney in clown makeup, Bart leads the campers in a revolt that brings the real Krusty.

Written by: David M. Stern
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: This punishment is not boring and pointless
Couch gag: The Flintstones
Production code: 8F24

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

337 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:35 THE END
1:02 I need to get it. I need to get it.
1:24 Well, children, it's the last day of school.
1:26 Yay!
1:28 Here are your grades.
1:32 Oh, no, Mrs.
1:33 Krabappel. If I don't get a C average, my dad won't let me go to Camp Krusty.
1:37 Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.
1:44 Much obliged, dog.
1:47 Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm going to miss you.
1:50 Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner.
1:52 I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction?
2:02 Now let's trash this dump.
2:19 Somebody put a torch to these permanent records.
2:22 Quickly now.
2:32 Wake up, boy.
2:36 I dreamt it was the last day of school.
2:38 Well, it is.
2:41 Oh, how do I know this isn't some beautiful dream, too?
2:45 Ow!
2:46 You know, a pinch is more traditional.
2:54 Homer, you do remember your promise to the children.
2:57 Sure do.
2:58 When you're 18, you're out the door. No, Dad.
3:01 You promised if Bart and I got C averages, we could go to Camp Krusty.
3:05 And with no false modesty, you're looking at one happy camper.
3:09 Yeah, well, just remember, when you see my report card,
3:12 they got this whole new grading system this year.
3:14 It now goes D-B-A-C. Now listen, boy, we have an understanding,
3:18 and you'd better keep your end of it.
3:20 I don't think I'd be any kind of a father if you got D's and I let you go to Camp Krusty.
3:24 But Dad... Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
3:29 Now, quiet. They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
3:32 17.
3:33 Don't! 32.
3:34 Don't! 5.
3:35 Don't! 8. Woo-hoo!
3:37 47.
3:38 Don't!
3:39 Attention, students.
3:41 Please clear out your lockers into the wastebaskets provided.
3:45 36, 24, 36.
3:48 Ha, ha, ha.
3:51 Now, let's see what we got here.
3:55 Oh, my gym shorts.
4:01 Here are your final report cards.
4:04 I have nothing left to say to any of you.
4:05 So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.
4:13 I've never gotten a bee before.
4:17 How could this have happened?
4:18 I feel so dirty.
4:21 The dirt's not coming off
4:25 Okay, calm down This must just be a little typo
4:29 Oh,
4:30 Miss Homer There appears to be a mistake on my report card You gave me a B-plus in
4:36 conduct Now, Lisa,
4:38 everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record Perhaps I'm not making myself clear I
4:42 think you should reconsider Lisa, you're hurting me
4:49 Mrs. Krabappel,
4:50 in figuring out my final grades I hope you'll note that all of my textbooks are being
4:54 returned in excellent condition In some cases,
4:58 still in their original wrappings Duly noted I'd also like to add,
5:02 as I gaze upon your beauty I've never seen an angel fly so low
5:08 Forget it, short pants
5:12 Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a C average,
5:15 I can't go to Camp Krusty Have a delightful summer.
5:24 Five, four, three, two.
5:28 Don't open your mouth. One.
5:39 Wait a minute.
5:40 You didn't learn how World War II ended.
5:44 We won.
5:45 Yeah.
5:47 USA!
5:51 I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.
5:56 Well, William, another school year gone by.
5:59 And may I say, a job well done, sir. Well, back to work, then.
6:03 Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing.
6:05 We want the old girls sparkling when I get back.
6:08 Aye, sir.
6:09 Oh, you silk-wearing buttercup.
6:12 All right. Three old months of SpaghettiOs and daytime TV.
6:20 So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Camp Krusty?
6:24 You bet.
6:25 Check out this hand.
6:26 All aces.
6:29 A plus.
6:32 Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?
6:38 Hi, kids!
6:39 Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Camp Krusty!
6:52 Camp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground.
6:56 We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole Megillah.
7:00 And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results.
7:07 And the best part is, when you come to Camp Krusty, you'll spend the summer with me!
7:13 Honest engine!
7:18 Well, here goes nothing.
7:26 Stupid roller skate. Well, Dad, here's my report card.
7:30 I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
7:33 Hey, Plus, you don't think much of me, do you, boy?
7:37 No, sir.
7:38 You know, a D turns into a B so easily. You just got greedy.
7:42 So I won't get to go to camp?
7:44 Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades.
7:48 And you didn't.
7:50 But why should you pay for my mistake?
7:52 You mean I can go?
7:53 Yeah.
7:54 I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway.
7:56 Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have.
8:01 Hey, son.
8:02 Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate?
8:08 Never mind.
8:15 Bart, where's your bathing suit?
8:17 I'm gonna swim naked.
8:18 Your what? Ah, sure.
8:20 There'll be a couple of uptight counselors who won't dig the Bart philosophy.
8:24 But I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.
8:28 Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?
8:32 Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria, German measles,
8:35 encephalitis, Hansen's disease... Oh,
8:38 now I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondriac.
8:42 There's only one known cure.
8:44 A Wauwi Pop.
8:47 Don't patronize me, doctor.
8:49 It's our last family dinner for six weeks.
8:52 But I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
9:01 Oh, I'm going to miss this.
9:05 Hey, hands off my pickle. I don't see your name on it, boy.
9:08 No, but... Oh, yeah?
9:12 Checkmate.
9:13 Always thinking two moves ahead.
9:16 We'll see you when you get back from image enhancement camp.
9:20 Spare me your euphemisms. It's Fat Camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.
9:24 You promised you wouldn't make a seat.
9:28 Goodbye, my special little guy.
9:32 Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember, leaves of three, let it be.
9:37 Leaves of four, eat some more.
9:40 Goodbye.
9:41 Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, baby. Goodbye, baby.
9:43 Bye-bye.
9:44 I hate you every day.
9:45 Don't look in my closet.
9:46 In fact, stay out of my room altogether.
9:48 If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know.
10:00 Don't come back!
10:07 Hi, kids!
10:08 Welcome to Camp Krusty!
10:13 I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then,
10:16 I've turned things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world.
10:20 Mr. Black. I want you to treat... Mr. Black.
10:23 With the same respect you would give me.
10:25 Now here's... Mr. Black.
10:29 Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children.
10:31 I am Mr. Black, your head counselor. For the past 15 years,
10:35 I was president of Euro Krustyland.
10:38 Until it blew up.
10:40 I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more.
10:44 Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No.
10:46 Last question.
10:47 When do we get to see Krusty? Uh, he will be along eventually.
10:50 In the meantime, our counselors, Dolph, Jimbo,
10:53 and Kearney will be happy to handle any problems you may have.
11:00 Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.
11:09 You can have that shower to yourself, homie.
11:11 I'm finished.
11:12 Oh, no, you're not.
11:16 Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.
11:29 This is a little more rustic than I expected.
11:33 I'm not worried, Lease. You know why?
11:35 Because of this.
11:37 The Krusty brand seal of approval.
11:39 You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards of Krusty the
11:42 Clown.
11:46 Oops, I should have warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.
11:50 That's okay.
11:52 All this stuff is fine.
11:55 Now I'm up to Wimbledon.
12:01 Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
12:03 Shut up. Meet your pine cone.
12:14 Are you sure that's safe?
12:17 Well, it ain't getting any safer.
12:26 All right, you balls of pan drippings. I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores.
12:30 We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.
12:38 Hail to the camp, Krusty,
12:41 by the shores of Big Snake Lake.
12:46 Though your swings are rusty,
12:49 We know they'll never break From your
12:55 gleaming mess Off to your hallowed baseball field To your
13:01 stick and span infirmary Where all our wounds are healed
13:06 Hail to the Camp Crosby Below Mount
13:11 Avalanche We will always love
13:17 Camp Crosby
13:21 I'll register trademark of the Crusty Corporation All rights
13:26 reserved
13:34 You're serving us gruel?
13:36 Not quite This is Crusty Brand imitation gruel Nine out of ten orphans can't
13:42 tell the difference
13:44 Yo, Mr. Black, another brandy Gentlemen,
13:47 too evil Merge Since the kids left, I lost five pounds.
13:52 Oh, that's wonderful.
13:54 And look, new hair.
13:57 I'm this close to having a comb-over.
14:06 Lights out, losers.
14:08 Yeah, we're meeting some tail on the other side of the lake.
14:16 I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise.
14:20 I meant soon.
14:21 So did I.
14:25 Mmm, strawberries.
14:29 Oh, that's good.
14:32 Hey, Lendo, choke, choke, yeah!
14:35 Point and game, Becker.
14:38 And will the Harlequin in the third row please keep his voice down?
14:42 Oh, sorry, folks.
14:46 Sorry, Your Majesty.
14:47 Humph!
14:48 Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well.
14:51 We are doing great.
14:52 Your father is in the best shape he's been since, well, ever.
14:57 Dice.
14:59 Strength.
15:01 Agility.
15:01 We miss you terribly.
15:03 I hope these jelly bean cookies will tide you over until you get home.
15:08 Hey, Simpson, tell your mom her cookie sucked.
15:13 Dear Mom and Dad,
15:15 I no longer fear hell because I've been to Camp Krusty.
15:20 Our nature hikes have become grim death marches.
15:27 A snake bit me. Back in line, maggot!
15:32 Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.
15:38 Come on, wimps! These Gucci walls have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday!
15:46 Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the Clown will
15:51 come through Krusty is coming Krusty is coming Krusty is coming but I am far more
15:56 pessimistic
16:00 I am not sure if this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut
16:05 Giddy up now the effort of writing has made me lightheaded so I close by saying save
16:11 us, save us now
16:13 Bart and Lisa.
16:16 Kids letters from camp.
16:18 She complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.
16:28 Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job.
16:37 It's getting late. We'll miss the fireworks.
16:40 Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here.
16:47 Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is.
16:52 The man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland, Mr.
16:58 Krusty the Clown.
16:59 See?
17:00 I told you Krusty would come. Just like I said.
17:02 He's gonna bring us food and water and smite our enemies!
17:08 Now, I must tell you, kids, Krusty has laryngitis on a bad back,
17:12 so he won't be saying anything or doing anything Krusty looks fat He's really having
17:18 trouble keeping his balance He's still funny,
17:21 but not ha-ha funny That's not Krusty the Clown!
17:26 What do you think, I slapped a clown suit on some wino?
17:30 Yeah, Bart, I am so Krusty the Clown
17:35 All right, that's it.
17:37 I've been scorched by Krusty before.
17:39 I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty brand vitamins.
17:42 My Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8.
17:45 And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions.
17:48 But this time, he's gone too far. We want Krusty!
17:52 We want Krusty! We want Krusty! No, we want Krusty!
17:58 We want Krusty! I thought you said you broke their spirits.
18:02 We did. You broke nothing.
18:04 Let's get him. To the hydrofoil.
18:16 My Chucky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom.
18:23 Sweet, nourishing girl.
18:27 Kowalski!
18:28 My brownies. Wigam! A change of underwear.
18:33 Crando!
18:34 More insulin!
18:40 Farge, you said you're going to name it Camp Freedom.
18:43 Eh, this has more zing.
18:46 I dub thee, sir. Agent Cole for Mr.
18:50 Clown.
18:50 This better be important.
18:53 I got out!
18:54 Just let your head flop back and forth.
18:58 Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.
19:01 We interrupt Sir Druden Mabaradad's yoga party for this special bulletin.
19:05 Crisis at Camp Krusty.
19:07 Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq,
19:11 and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put
19:16 together.
19:17 Burn Krusty! Burn!
19:21 A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force.
19:25 Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.
19:29 What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader.
19:34 Don't be the boy.
19:39 No!
19:43 I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp.
19:47 Can I say crappy on TV?
19:49 Yes, on this network you can.
19:52 Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news?
19:55 Are you and Princess Di just friends?
19:57 You people make me sick. You're vultures!
20:00 Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites!
20:03 I said out of my way!
20:07 I'm no fake.
20:08 I'm the real Krusty. Oh, yeah?
20:11 Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?
20:15 I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.
20:18 I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire.
20:21 Hey! Whoa!
20:22 Oh!
20:23 Not the face!
20:25 It is a real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark,
20:30 and his famous superfluous nipple.
20:32 Well, at least you're not as bad as customs.
20:34 How could you, Krusty? I never lend my name to an inferior product.
20:39 Oh!
20:41 They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house.
20:44 I'm not made of stone.
20:48 Krusty, this camp was a nightmare.
20:50 They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export.
20:53 and one of the campers was eaten by a bear.
20:55 Oh, my God!
20:58 Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
21:00 Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah.
21:01 Oh, my God!
21:05 Well, I'm going to make it all up to you.
21:06 I'm going to show you kids the time of your life.
21:09 Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on Earth.
21:14 Tijuana!
21:19 South of the border Down Mexico way
21:25 That's where I fell in love When stars above
21:31 came out to play And now as I wander My
21:36 thoughts ever stray South of the border
21:42 Down Mexico way There
21:48 she was a picture In old Spanish lace
21:54 And just for a tender while I kissed a smile
22:00 upon her face For it was Fiesta
22:04 And we were so gay South of
22:10 the border Down Mexico way
22:30 Those mission bells told me That I must
22:36 not stray South of the border
22:40 Down Mexico way
22:48 Olé! We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Adrian Belew, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Gareth Prince, Lewis' lookalike, Gloria Prince, Chuck Berger, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Wanda, Coward, White-Haired Girl, Freddy, Springfield bears, Violet Bazaar, Mr. Hippie, Afro Girl, Benjamin Franklin, African-American Teacher, Brittany, Ms. Phipps, Nell Nicholson, American Spy, Eliza, Queen Elizabeth II, Sadruddin Mahbaradad, Fat Camp Counselor, Injured kid, Kamp Krusty Nurse, Mail Delivery Man, Merchandising Executive, Mr. Black, Teacher

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character