Homer's Triple Bypass

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 11. First aired December 17, 1992. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Lisa's First Word Marge vs. the Monorail → The whole episode as text

From “Homer's Triple Bypass”: “They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!” — They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!

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About the episode

Years of greasy food catch up with Homer when a scolding from Mr. Burns brings on a heart attack, and Dr. Hibbert prescribes a triple bypass that the uninsured family cannot afford. Homer turns instead to Dr. Nick Riviera, a TV-advertised surgeon charging $129.95, and pulls through largely because Lisa coaches the clueless doctor through the operation from the observation gallery.

Written by: Gary Apple and Michael Carrington
Directed by: David Silverman
Chalkboard gag: Coffee is not for kids
Couch gag: Shrunken Family
Production code: 9F09

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

365 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:22 Cops in Springfield.
1:27 Bad cops, bad cops.
1:36 Springfield cops are on the take. But what do you expect for the money we make?
1:42 Whether in a car or on a horse, we don't mind using excessive force.
1:48 Bad cops, bad cops.
1:52 All right, boys.
1:53 Time to bag our saccaddle rustler.
1:58 What in God's name are you doing?
2:01 Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace? No, that's next door.
2:10 Close but new donut, cops.
2:14 This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect driving a...
2:19 car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh...
2:23 you know, that place that sells chili.
2:26 Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
2:28 I can't wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail.
2:32 Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed.
2:36 It's not good for your heart. My heart is just...
2:41 Homie, what is it? Just working the turkey through.
2:46 There it goes.
2:52 Hey, Elise, there was a big train wreck last night.
2:54 You want to see the victims?
2:55 Okay.
2:57 Bart, that's gross.
3:00 You're right.
3:00 Let's bury them at sea.
3:03 Dad!
3:07 What's wrong?
3:08 You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the
3:13 heart?
3:13 I got that right now.
3:16 Ooh, bacon.
3:18 Homer, I prepared a special surprise just for you.
3:21 It could only be one thing.
3:25 Psst.
3:26 The best mate's in the rump.
3:29 Here you go. What the hell is this? Nice, healthy oatmeal.
3:34 Ooh, oatmeal.
3:35 What a delightful treat.
3:37 Oh, there's a bug in it.
3:40 No, there isn't. Trust me.
3:46 Dad, there's a bug on that.
3:48 Meh.
3:56 Come on, come on!
4:06 Oh dear.
4:08 Now you've done it.
4:12 Ah!
4:18 I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
4:23 It's your heart. and I think it's on its last thump.
4:27 I was afraid it was my transmission.
4:30 Hey, where's he going?
4:31 Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
4:35 We're going to sell him to Mr. Nick Apopolis?
4:38 You're a dull boy, Billy.
4:42 Look at that pig stuffing his face with donuts on my time.
4:46 That's right.
4:48 Keep eating.
4:50 Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut.
4:55 There is a poisoned one, isn't there, Smithers?
4:57 Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers.
5:00 They consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!
5:05 Bring him to me!
5:12 Relax, Simpson.
5:13 I just brought you in here for a friendly hello.
5:18 And goodbye!
5:20 You're fired!
5:21 But wait.
5:22 Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
5:27 at goofing off!
5:29 Now, don't worry, Homer.
5:31 You're the kind of guy I could really dig.
5:34 A grave for...
5:37 Your indolence is inefficacious.
5:41 That means you're terrible!
5:51 Hmm?
5:53 Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
5:55 Oh dear, send a ham to his widow.
5:58 Mmm, ham.
6:03 No wait, he's alive.
6:05 Oh good, cancel the ham!
6:12 Wow, look at that.
6:14 How do they know to cross there?
6:24 I'm telling you it's not going to work
6:29 He was taking a bite and his jaw locked Hey look, I can fit my entire fist in here
6:36 What's that chief?
6:38 Bad cops, bad cops.
6:43 Ooh.
6:45 Buy three tubes of Mr. Blister. Get one free.
6:48 Hello?
6:49 Yes?
6:50 Oh, dear Lord.
6:53 Homer's in the hospital. They think it's his heart.
6:56 Oh, my God.
6:59 What?
6:59 Five cents off wax paper.
7:03 Clear.
7:07 More.
7:10 Thank you.
7:12 Oh, homie, I was so frightened.
7:15 Marge, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
7:19 Ah, little homie.
7:24 How'd he get that?
7:29 Fall on your knees. Oh,
7:33 hear the angels pass.
7:37 What a fuss.
7:39 Young Homer's gonna make me a millionaire.
7:45 Hey,
7:48 my voice just changed.
7:50 Oh, no.
7:52 When Christ was born.
7:54 Ah, nabbit.
7:56 Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack.
8:00 But I'm out of the woods now, right?
8:02 I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
8:05 Oh, no, quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten
8:11 Hey, come on, quit it Goochie, goochie, go Stop, please stop Oh,
8:16 you swing like a girl, come on now Please have mercy Got your nose
8:21 Not funny How about this little bee?
8:25 Oh
8:27 Remember your hippopotamus oath
8:30 Can't you do something for him?
8:33 Well, we can't fix his heart but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
8:38 What an age we live in.
8:41 Now,
8:41 what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected flowing through your husband's circulatory
8:46 system. But, Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet.
8:49 Good Lord.
8:50 Hi.
8:52 Now, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test.
8:54 I start you jiggling and measure how long it takes to stop.
9:02 Woo-hoo!
9:03 Look at that blubber fly!
9:05 Yes.
9:08 Nurse, cancel my one o'clock.
9:10 Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
9:14 Say it in English, Doc.
9:15 You're going to need open-heart surgery.
9:18 Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
9:20 We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
9:23 Could you dumb it down the shade? Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my homie well.
9:28 Good.
9:28 I must warn you, though.
9:30 This procedure will cost you upwards of $30,000.
9:38 I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
9:45 Okay, okay. We need $40,000.
9:48 Now, how much do we have in the checkbook?
9:50 $70.
9:51 Hmm.
9:53 Have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet?
9:56 No.
9:57 Don't you have health insurance at work?
9:59 Well, actually, we gave it all up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
10:02 Oh!
10:02 Don't worry, Marge.
10:04 America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden,
10:09 Great Britain, well, all of Europe.
10:11 But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in, Paraguay.
10:24 Now, before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
10:29 Questions?
10:30 Oh, my whole scheme down there. I mean, ask away.
10:34 Oh, good.
10:35 Now, under heart attacks, you crossed out three and wrote zero.
10:39 Oh, I thought that said brain hemorrhages.
10:43 Uh-huh.
10:44 And do you drink?
10:45 I do enjoy a sniffed report at Christmas.
10:48 All right.
10:49 Here's your policy. Now, let me tell you something, Mr.
10:52 Sucker.
10:53 I just... Oh, hold on there. You still have to sign it.
10:55 Oh.
10:57 I...
10:59 Must sign policy. Sir, I'm sorry. We can't insure you.
11:03 I made an H.
11:04 No, that doesn't count. It's like an X.
11:08 Hey, we'd better get you to a hospital.
11:10 Can I have a free calendar?
11:12 Okay.
11:15 Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone,
11:20 and there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt.
11:25 Mr. Simpson, you must get that operation as soon as possible.
11:28 I can't afford it.
11:30 Maybe I should buy one of those machines.
11:33 Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
11:36 Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian.
11:38 In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blying,
11:41 I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners.
11:45 Well, anywho, can I have $40,000?
11:49 Now, I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I rented Fiddler on the Roof,
11:53 and I will watch it.
11:54 Anyway, can I have $40,000?
11:57 Now, I know I haven't been the best...
12:00 Oh, forget it.
12:03 Honey, did you have any luck? No, but the rabbi gave me this.
12:06 What is it, Dad? Son, they call it a droodle.
12:10 Woo-hoo!
12:11 Look at him go!
12:12 Hi, everybody!
12:14 Are you looking for a way to slash the cost of your medical expenses?
12:19 Boring.
12:20 Wait, this might be the answer we're looking for.
12:22 I will perform any operation for $129.95.
12:27 Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap.
12:34 Okay, Fred.
12:35 You tried the best, now try the rest.
12:38 Call 1-600-DOCTORB.
12:41 The B is for bargain.
12:45 Well, Marge, we could do worse. How?
12:48 Some dog could do the operation.
12:51 Operation?
12:52 What are you talking about?
12:53 Kids, I have something to tell you. Oh, homie, I don't know.
12:57 This might upset them. Nothing you say can upset us.
13:00 We're the MTV generation.
13:02 We feel neither highs nor lows.
13:03 Really? What's it like?
13:05 Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
13:11 So the tiny aorta fairies will take Mr.
13:13 Legvane and a long trip to get married to Princess Left Ventricle.
13:18 Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft?
13:22 Uh, yeah.
13:23 Oh, no.
13:25 What if they botch it? I won't have a dad for a while.
13:33 Kids, kids, I'm not gonna die.
13:36 That only happens to bad people.
13:38 What about Abraham Lincoln? Uh, he sold poison milk to schoolchildren.
13:42 Homer!
13:43 Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on him.
13:45 Bed goes up, bed goes down. Bed goes up, bed goes down.
13:53 Homer Simpson. Well, if that don't put the dink in coinkydink.
13:58 Flanders, what are you doing here?
14:00 I'm having a kidney and a lung removed. Who are you donating them to?
14:04 First come, first serve. What are you in for?
14:06 I got a bad heart. If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would.
14:10 Shut up, Flanders.
14:13 Hi, everybody.
14:15 I'm Dr. Nick Riviera. Dr. Riviera, Dr. Nick Riviera,
14:19 please report to the coroner immediately.
14:21 The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy.
14:24 Well, see you in the operating place. Dr.
14:27 Riviera, where are the bodies?
14:30 Oh, such a nice day.
14:32 I think I'll go out the window.
14:33 Huh?
14:41 Dear Lord, thank you for Ziggy Comics, Little Baby Ducks,
14:46 and Sweatin' to the Old Days Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
14:52 Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow.
14:56 If something happens, please look after Marge and make sure my kids grow up right.
15:05 Sorry.
15:12 And that's why God causes train wrecks.
15:15 Oh.
15:17 My dad is very sick.
15:19 What's going to happen if he dies?
15:21 Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven.
15:24 In heaven, you get to do whatever you like best all the time.
15:29 Cloud goes up, cloud goes down. Cloud goes up, cloud goes down.
15:34 Bed goes up, bed goes down.
15:36 Hey, hey!
15:39 Hey, what's the matter?
15:41 Oh, that's right. My grotesque appearance.
15:46 Krusty, why are you here?
15:48 It's part of my public service for my glug glug, vroom vroom, thump, thump.
15:54 Oh, well, I could use a good laugh. Well,
15:57 there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through.
15:59 I know. I'm in the zipper club myself.
16:05 You seem okay.
16:07 Yeah?
16:07 Well, I got news for you.
16:09 This ain't makeup.
16:11 They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son.
16:17 I've never fully understood why that is.
16:20 Frankly, I can see an upside to it.
16:23 We passed this card around at work.
16:26 Gee, thanks, guys. They had a hell of a time replacing you.
16:33 When I first heard about the operation, I was against it.
16:37 But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
16:42 Barty, I'm not getting a sex change.
16:44 What?
16:46 What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
16:50 Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer, for old time's sake.
16:54 Thanks, Mo.
16:56 Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free
17:01 Mom, this is fascinating Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes?
17:07 I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books No, Mom,
17:11 it's very reassuring And I've learned a great deal from this cow's heart I got at the
17:15 butcher shop
17:20 Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge Ugh,
17:25 no!
17:26 Blood!
17:28 Next, make an incision in the coronary artery.
17:31 And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
17:42 Oh, no!
17:44 No! Someone taped over the end of this!
17:47 All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
17:50 And a new candle now and then? Yes, and a new...
17:53 No!
17:56 Oh, my little Maggie, I may never fold you again.
18:01 You stinky pants.
18:03 Now, Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're going to be lonely.
18:06 Oh, homie, I could never remarry.
18:09 Darn right.
18:10 And to make sure I want to be stuffed and put on the couch is a constant reminder of our
18:14 marital vows.
18:16 Kids, you can come in now.
18:20 Bed goes up.
18:22 Kids, I want to give you some words to remember me by in case something happens.
18:27 Let's see.
18:28 Oh,
18:30 I'm no good at this.
18:35 Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up because...
18:41 I know you're going to turn out great, with or without your old man.
18:45 Thanks, Dad.
18:46 And Lisa?
18:51 I guess this is the time to tell you.
18:55 You're adopted and I don't like you.
18:57 Bart!
18:59 But don't worry because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out
19:03 for you.
19:04 Oh, Dad.
19:10 Hi, everybody.
19:11 Hi, Dr. Nick.
19:14 Now, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved.
19:19 One hand washes the other Oh, that reminds me
19:27 These gloves came free with my toilet brush
19:35 What the hell is that?
19:42 Marge, this is Andre Hello
19:45 I think you two would make a lovely couple My husband is still alive.
19:51 Thank God.
19:52 I hope he pulls through.
19:53 Not me.
19:56 Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
20:06 How long has it been?
20:08 Six seconds.
20:09 Do we have to start over?
20:11 Hell no.
20:12 Poor Mr. Homer.
20:14 Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
20:18 Give me some jerky. Would you like some vodka with that?
20:21 Oh, what the hell, sure.
20:27 Doctor, what's wrong?
20:29 Don't you know where to make the incision?
20:31 All right, Nick.
20:32 Don't panic.
20:34 Think back to med school.
20:38 Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
20:43 I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what?
20:47 And where?
20:49 Hey!
20:50 The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage!
20:55 Below!
20:56 Thanks, little girl!
20:59 The knee bone's connected to the something.
21:03 The something's connected to the red thing.
21:07 The red thing's connected to my wristwatch.
21:10 Uh-oh.
21:15 Good news!
21:17 The operation was a complete success!
21:22 Oh, that's wonderful!
21:28 Dr.
21:29 Nick Riviera, remember me? Well, if it isn't my old friend, Mr.
21:34 McCraig, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
21:41 All right, Dad!
21:44 You rule intensive care!
22:09 Thank you.
22:46 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Richard, Eddie, Todd Flanders, Snowball II, Sideshow Mel, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Sam, Snake, Itchy, Scratchy, Dr. Nick, Charlie, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Ms. Albright, Dave Shutton, Violet Bazaar, Space Mutants, Yendor, Bubbles, Jacques, Curious Bear Cub, Akira Kurosawa, Irving Zitsofsky, Moses, Hyman Krustofsky, Sadruddin Mahbaradad, ''People Who Look Like Things'' host, Andre, Female Doctor, Fred, Hollywood Upstairs student, Insurance Broker, Kwik-E-Mart Customer, Mr. McGreg, Pumpkin-headed man, Surgery instructor

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character