Marge vs. the Monorail

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 12. First aired January 14, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homer's Triple Bypass Selma's Choice → The whole episode as text

From “Marge vs. the Monorail”: “Of course.” — Of course.

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About the episode

When Mr. Burns pays a $3 million fine for dumping nuclear waste, salesman Lyle Lanley wins over a town meeting with a song, and Springfield buys his monorail instead of repairing Main Street as Marge proposes. Homer is made its conductor, but Marge discovers in North Haverbrook how badly Lanley's systems are built, and the opening run, carrying Leonard Nimoy, speeds out of control.

Written by: Conan O'Brien
Directed by: Rich Moore
Guest stars: Leonard Nimoy; Phil Hartman as Lyle Lanley
Chalkboard gag: I will not eat things for money.
Couch gag: Citizens of Springfield
Production code: 9F10

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

326 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:32 Oh, my God.
1:07 Ah!
1:28 Yabba-dabba-doo!
1:36 Simpson, Homer Simpson He's the greatest guy in history
1:42 From the out of Springfield He's about to hit a chestnut
1:48 tree
1:52 What do they do with these things after we seal them?
1:55 I hear they dump them in an abandoned chalk mine and cover them with cement I hear they're
2:00 sending him to one of those southern states where the governor's a crook.
2:02 Either way, I'm sleeping good tonight.
2:15 Well, sir, where should we dump this batch?
2:17 The playground?
2:19 No, all those bold children are arousing suspicion.
2:23 To the park!
2:28 I think it's full, sir. That's ridiculous.
2:31 The last tree held nine drums.
2:44 Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency.
2:47 Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game of hide the ooze.
2:55 Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life,
3:00 this court finds you $3 million.
3:03 Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
3:09 Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice, too.
3:12 Sold!
3:16 Oh, Andy Cap, you wife-beating drunk.
3:21 Oh, there's going to be a town meeting to decide how to spend Mr.
3:25 Burns' money.
3:26 Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.
3:32 Children, it's time for your history lesson.
3:34 Put on your virtual reality helmets.
3:42 Hello, Lisa.
3:43 I'm Genghis Khan.
3:45 You go where I go.
3:47 Defile what I defile. Eat who I eat.
3:52 Come on, Lees. We both know how this money should, nay, must be spent.
4:08 Mark, we'll do anything you want. Just call off your giant mechanical lance.
4:15 Whoa!
4:19 Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
4:23 Like a giant billboard that says no fat chicks?
4:26 No.
4:30 Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.
4:37 Could this town be any stupider?
4:40 Order!
4:41 Please rise for the Plans of Allegiance.
4:44 Get to the money!
4:45 In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
4:48 Get to the money! Get to the money!
4:50 Get to the money!
4:52 Very well.
4:53 We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the two million dollars.
4:58 Don't you mean three million dollars?
5:00 Of course.
5:02 How silly of me.
5:03 Excuse me.
5:04 We could use the money to hire firemen to finally put out that blaze on the east side of
5:08 town.
5:09 Boring.
5:10 Hello, my name is Mr.
5:12 Snrub. And I come from, uh, some place far away.
5:17 Yes, that will do.
5:18 Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
5:23 I like the way Snrub thinks.
5:35 Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers.
5:40 I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
5:45 Crybaby. My name is March Simpson, and I have an idea.
5:49 It may sound a little boring at first. Chat away.
5:53 I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
5:57 Oh.
5:58 Well, surely you've all noticed the terrible condition Main Street is in.
6:05 Many of us have destroyed it by leaving winter chains on our tires and carrying too much
6:10 weight.
6:12 Woo-hoo!
6:14 Look at that pavement thigh!
6:16 And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance.
6:20 Oh.
6:24 Now, hold on just one minute.
6:27 Sure, we could fix up Main Street.
6:30 We could put all our eggs in one basket.
6:35 Shut up!
6:36 I wasn't done yet.
6:38 I'm just saying, we could blow all our money on a stupid little street, but...
6:47 I ain't ferret, I'm a kinhead.
6:50 Main Street, Main Street, Main Street.
6:53 All those in favor of Grandpa Simpson's plan for rebuilding Main Street, please.
6:59 You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel.
7:03 No one knows how he got it and dangd if he knows how to use it.
7:10 Mule. The name's Landly, Lyle Landly.
7:14 And I come before you good people tonight with an idea.
7:17 Probably the greatest... Oh, it's not for you.
7:20 It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
7:24 Now, wait just a minute.
7:25 We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville.
7:28 Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
7:30 All right.
7:31 I tell you what I'll do.
7:33 I'll show you my idea.
7:35 I give you the Springfield Monorail.
7:40 I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville,
7:43 and North Haverbrook And by gum it put them on the map Well, sir,
7:48 there's nothing on earth like a genuine bona fide electrified six-car monorail What'd I
7:52 say?
7:53 Monorail What's it called?
7:55 Monorail That's right, monorail Monorail, monorail,
7:59 monorail I hear those things are awfully loud It flies as softly as a cloud Is there a
8:05 chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
8:09 What about us braindead slobs? You'll be given cushy jobs.
8:13 Were you sent here by the devil? No good, sir, I'm on the level.
8:17 The ring came off my pudding can.
8:19 Take my penknife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice.
8:23 Throw up your hands and raise your voice.
8:25 Monteroom! What's it called?
8:27 Monteroom! Once again!
8:29 Monteroom!
8:33 But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
8:35 Sorry, Mom. The mob has spoken.
8:37 Monnery!
8:47 Don't!
8:51 Monnery! Monnery! Monnery!
8:53 I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street.
8:56 Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
9:00 Thank you for coming, Mr. Landley. I'm Miss Hoover.
9:03 Miss Hoover, that is hard to believe.
9:06 Oh, you.
9:07 Now I'm here to answer any questions you children may have about the monorail.
9:11 Me! Me! Me! Can it outrun the Flash?
9:14 You bet.
9:15 Can Superman outrun the Flash?
9:17 Uh, sure, why not?
9:19 Hello, little girl.
9:20 Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?
9:23 Hardly.
9:24 I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass transit system in a small town with a
9:28 centralized population. Ha ha!
9:31 Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
9:35 Really?
9:35 Oh, I could give you an answer, but the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me.
9:40 And that includes your teacher.
9:44 Next question!
9:45 You there, eating the paste!
9:47 Coming soon, it's Truckasaurus, the movie,
9:50 starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
9:53 You crazy car.
9:55 I don't know whether they eat you or kiss you.
9:59 Celebrity voice impersonated.
10:01 Are you stuck in a dead-end job? Maybe.
10:04 Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box?
10:08 What's it to you? Are you on your third beer of the evening?
10:11 Does whiskey count as beer?
10:13 Well,
10:13 maybe it's time you join the exciting field of monorail conducting by enrolling at the
10:18 Landly Institute.
10:20 Actual institute may not match photo.
10:22 Mark, I want to be a monorail conductor.
10:24 Oh, no.
10:25 It's my lifelong dream.
10:27 Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game.
10:31 And you did it last year, remember?
10:36 Oh, yeah.
10:39 Good evening.
10:40 Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter?
10:44 I am, and she is. Well, I'd like you to please leave.
10:47 Should we take our hidden camera?
10:49 Would you? Let's go, Phil.
10:53 True or false. You can get mono from riding the monorail.
10:58 False.
10:59 No, wait. Maybe it's true. No, you were right.
11:02 It's false.
11:03 Wow, you really are going to be a monorail conductor.
11:06 That's right, boy.
11:07 You know, I used to think you were stuck in an emasculating go-nowhere job.
11:12 Heh heh, kids. But now, I want to follow in your footsteps.
11:16 Do you want to change your name to Homer Jr.?
11:18 The kids can call you Hoju.
11:21 I'll get back to you.
11:22 Come on, keep it coming!
11:25 Over, over.
11:29 Hi, Homer.
11:33 Oh, I hate that sound.
11:36 According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour.
11:40 What if something goes wrong?
11:41 What if? What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap?
11:46 Oh, my God, I'd be killed.
11:48 It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe.
11:51 We monorail conductors are a crazy breed.
11:54 Half in love with death, gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts.
11:59 Am I turning you on? No.
12:02 What if I undo this button?
12:03 Good night, Homer.
12:04 What if I talk like this?
12:07 What if I sing to you? I gave my love a chicken,
12:11 it had no bone.
12:15 Mmm, chicken.
12:18 So then, mono means one, and rail means rail.
12:23 And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
12:26 Hey, wait, man.
12:28 Who gets to be conductor?
12:30 Oh, right, that.
12:31 Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely.
12:34 But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest.
12:37 Who, me? Yeah, sure. Woo-hoo!
12:40 After an exhaustive search, Springfield has found its monorail conductor, Homer Simpson.
12:49 This is the snack holder where I can put my beverage, or if you will, cupcake.
12:54 Wow, Dad, you really know your monorails.
13:00 Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
13:03 I call the big one bitey.
13:05 I'm going to see Mr. Landley.
13:10 Mr. Landley?
13:27 How much did you see?
13:28 Uh, nothing incriminating.
13:31 Good.
13:32 Well, bye.
13:33 I don't know why I leave this lying around.
13:37 I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook.
13:41 Is there a chance the trap could bend?
13:44 I call the big one fighting.
13:46 I've sold monorails to Rockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook.
13:50 Is there a chance the truck could bend?
13:53 I call the big one fighting.
14:12 Go away.
14:13 There ain't no monorail, and there never was.
14:22 Excuse me, miss. You asked about the monorail?
14:25 Who are you?
14:26 My name is Sebastian Cobb.
14:28 Lanley hired me to build his monorail.
14:31 He cut corners everywhere.
14:33 Bad wiring, faulty brakes.
14:35 As a celebrity on the maiden voyage with Gallagher.
14:39 this is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built
14:44 mr. cobb what can we do you just better have a damn good conductor
14:51 oh i like my keys in there get a rock
14:59 ladies and gentlemen nothing brings out the stars like the maiden voyage of a monorail
15:04 Everyone's here from recently outed leading man Dash Calhoun To
15:10 Crusty the Clown Hey, hey Crusty, why won't you answer my calls?
15:14 You've never even seen our son
15:18 Here's one of those lovable high schoolers From TV's Springfield Heights 90210 He's
15:24 cool, he's sexy, he's 34 years old Let's hear it for Kyle Darin
15:30 And here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin fresh from her latest stay at the
15:36 Betty Ford Clinic.
15:40 What you been up to, Lurleen? I spent last night in a ditch.
15:44 How about that, folks?
15:46 Now I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr.
15:50 Leonard Nimoy.
15:52 I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
15:57 And let me say, may the Force be with you.
16:01 Do you even know who I am?
16:03 I think I do.
16:05 Weren't you one of the little rascals?
16:09 Mr. Landley!
16:10 Aren't you going to ride the monorail? Little lady, I'd love to,
16:14 but I have to catch a plane.
16:15 But the ride only takes a minute. Yeah, well, my plane leaves in less than one minute.
16:26 All aboard!
16:42 We're too late!
16:44 I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut.
16:46 Sorry.
16:55 Actually, you see, the doors on Star Trek were not mechanical.
16:58 We had a stagehand on either side who would pull the door open when he saw you approach.
17:03 Uh-huh.
17:04 Stick your head out the window, boy. It's the greatest.
17:08 Yee-haw!
17:30 Can't you stop it, Dad? I'm trying my best.
17:33 The lever you have pulled breaks.
17:36 He's not in service.
17:38 Please make a note of it.
17:39 How fast are they going?
17:42 Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour.
17:51 Ah, making me dizzy.
17:53 I'm gonna take a nap.
17:54 All right, I'm in charge here. Oh, run along, Quimby.
17:57 I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
17:59 Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
18:02 Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. You don't scare me.
18:05 That could be anyone's ass. Now, beat it.
18:07 I'm calling the shots. I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain.
18:12 The town charter says in an emergency, I run the show.
18:15 Well, we'll just see about that. Let's go to town hall.
18:18 Fine.
18:20 Should we take one car or should I follow you?
18:23 Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month.
18:28 and two comely lasses of virtue true.
18:32 Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? Hey, hey, hey, let go.
18:35 You're ripping it. No, you are. No, you are.
18:37 Let go. That's the charter.
18:41 Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power.
18:43 No such luck.
18:44 It's solar-powered.
18:46 Solar power. When will people learn?
18:51 A solar eclipse.
18:52 The cosmic ballet goes on.
18:56 Does anyone want to switch seats?
19:05 I did it.
19:13 Folks, this is your captain speaking.
19:15 Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
19:20 North Haverbrook? Where have I heard that name before?
19:22 Oh, no.
19:25 There he is!
19:26 Z3F!
19:35 Krusty wants out!
19:39 No.
19:41 The world needs laughter.
19:43 Are we gonna die, son? Yeah, but at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.
19:48 Homer?
19:50 Yeah, hello. Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
19:53 Batman?
19:54 No, he's a scientist.
19:55 Batman's a scientist. It's not Batman.
19:58 I think I have a way to stop the train.
20:01 You need to find an anchor of some sort.
20:08 Think harder, Homer.
20:17 I'll take that.
20:29 Uh, Dad?
20:46 Now, separating Sammy's twins is a long and costly procedure.
20:52 Ha-ha!
20:58 Ah, you call that an anchor?
21:18 Donuts, is there anything they can't do?
21:21 Dad, you're a hero. Yes, son,
21:25 I'm the best mono thingy guy there ever was.
21:31 Well, my work is done here.
21:33 What do you mean your work is done? You don't do anything.
21:37 Didn't I?
21:43 And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever embarked upon.
21:49 Except for the popsicle stick skyscraper.
21:53 And the 50-foot magnifying glass.
21:57 And that escalator to nowhere.
22:26 Thank you.
22:55 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Maude Flanders, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Janey Powell, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Professor Frink, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Horatio McCallister, Snake, Ruth Powers, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Lionel Hutz, Herman Hermann, Gloria Prince, Chuck Berger, Wanda, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Raphael, Princess Kashmir, Jacqueline Bouvier, Ms. Albright, Dave Shutton, Marvin Monroe, Mayor Quimby's Bodyguards, Roy Snyder, Jacques, Jebediah Springfield, J. Loren Pryor, Akira Kurosawa, Joey Crusher, Lurleen Lumpkin, Ms. Mellon, Corporal Punishment, Irving Zitsofsky, Karl, Ralph, Richie Sakai, Babysitting Lady, Al Simmons, Leonard Nimoy, Flight Attendant, Lyle Lanley, Agent Malone, Bitey, Conjoined Twins, Cowboy, Dash Calhoun, Krusty's ex-girlfriend, Krusty's son, Kyle Derin, Monorail commercial actor, Monorail controller 1, Monorail controller 2, Monorail passenger, Old Woman, Phil, Reporter 1, Reporter 2, Sebastian Cobb

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character