Selma's Choice

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 13. First aired January 21, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Marge vs. the Monorail Brother from the Same Planet → The whole episode as text

From “Selma's Choice”: “What are you kids playing?” — What are you kids playing?

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About the episode

On a video will, the late Great-Aunt Gladys urges Patty and Selma to avoid dying alone as she did, and Selma decides she wants a child, but dating and a fertility clinic fail her. When a spoiled hoagie leaves Homer bedridden, Selma tries out motherhood on a Duff Gardens trip with the kids, where Lisa hallucinates after drinking water from a boat ride. Selma ends up adopting an iguana, Jub-Jub.

Written by: David M. Stern
Directed by: Carlos Baeza
Guest stars: Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz; Phil Hartman as Troy McClure
Chalkboard gag: I will not yell 'She's Dead' during roll call
Couch gag: Net Trap
Production code: 9F11

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

329 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:01 The Simpsons
0:30 Oh, my God.
1:05 Ah!
1:32 Hey, Lance Murdock. You just jumped 16 blazing school buses.
1:36 What are you going to do now?
1:38 I'm going to Duff Gardens.
1:42 Duff Gardens, home of the Whiplash.
1:46 To be completed in 1994.
1:54 And the washing machine.
2:00 Wow!
2:02 See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous beer aquarium.
2:19 Bart, warm up the car. We're going to Duff Gardens.
2:22 Yay!
2:23 Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
2:26 We're under six. And I'm a college student.
2:29 Kids, I have some bad news.
2:32 Your great aunt Gladys has passed on.
2:37 Gladys. Gladys.
2:39 About yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
2:42 No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
2:47 Oh, yeah. There she is. The funeral's in Little Neck Falls.
2:51 Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
2:54 We understand. No, he's complaining about something he can't change.
2:57 But I want to go to Duff Gardens. Right now.
3:01 Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
3:02 I'm not pouting.
3:04 I'm mourning.
3:06 Stupid dead woman.
3:08 On top of spaghetti.
3:10 All covered with cheese.
3:12 I lost my poor meatball.
3:14 If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral.
3:17 Ding dong, the witch is dead.
3:19 Which old witch? The wicked witch. Homer.
3:27 Petty, Selma, I'm sorry.
3:31 He's hugging us. What do we do? Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
3:40 Hey, Homer, this luggage is crushing me.
3:43 Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.
3:52 I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
3:55 Her legend will live forever.
3:58 Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman.
4:03 Legend of the dog-faced woman.
4:06 Oh, that's good. Homer, that's very rude of you.
4:09 What?
4:10 Don't! Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
4:26 All right, I'm almost there.
4:33 Another place, Matt, sir?
4:35 Please.
4:36 While we're waiting for our pie, let's take a minute to remember Great Aunt Gladys.
4:52 Wait a minute.
4:54 That was Prince of Tines.
4:55 Five, six, seven, eight.
5:01 What are you kids playing?
5:02 Counting game.
5:03 That's nice.
5:04 Nine, ten.
5:08 He was a good man.
5:10 He was a kind man. He gave to his community and asked little in return.
5:16 He never... That's a woman?
5:20 Dear Lord.
5:22 Aha, well, I guess most of what I said can be salvaged.
5:26 Take a seat, bozo.
5:28 And that eulogy better not show up on the bill.
5:31 I'll keep this short.
5:33 Gladys lived alone, died alone.
5:36 I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me.
5:39 She wasn't a rich woman But she was rich in
5:44 spirit Forget my hat
5:55 Don't hassle the dead,
5:57 boy They have eerie powers I thought this
6:02 thing was going to be catered Boy, am I hungry I mean,
6:07 I'm really, really hungry.
6:11 It's just not fair, dammit!
6:20 Goodbye, Great Aunt Gladys.
6:22 I wish I'd made more of an effort to get to know you these last few years.
6:27 Don't worry about it.
6:36 I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate.
6:40 She left a video will, so I earned my fee simply by pressing this play button.
6:45 Pretty sweet, eh?
6:47 I would like to start by reading a passage from Robert Frost.
6:51 Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
6:55 And...
6:57 Homer?
6:58 All in favor of skipping the poem.
7:02 Thank you.
7:04 And that has made all the difference.
7:08 Now, let's get down to business.
7:10 To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
7:15 Mr.
7:16 Hutz?
7:17 You'd be surprised how often that works.
7:19 You really would.
7:20 To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips that resemble celebrities.
7:25 They're all here. Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno.
7:30 These chips were my children, Marjorie.
7:33 Take special care of them.
7:38 Uh-oh.
7:43 To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet iguana, Jub-Jub.
7:47 Why didn't you just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
7:50 To my dear childless nieces, Patty and Selma, I leave my grandfather clock.
7:56 And these words, Don't die lonely like me.
8:00 Raise a family. And do it now.
8:03 Now.
8:07 Hey, a grandfather clock.
8:09 Not bad.
8:22 That Gladys was right.
8:24 There's something missing in our lives. Don't worry.
8:28 We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
8:30 Patty, I want a baby.
8:46 What do I do here? Just tell us about yourself.
8:50 Well, I want to have a baby before it's too late.
8:54 You're looking at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it.
9:04 Back to the luck with you, Nessie.
9:09 One drop of this love potion and you will have any man you desire.
9:16 Really?
9:17 What are the magical ingredients?
9:19 Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol.
9:21 You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out, actually.
9:31 Paper or plastic?
9:32 You decide.
9:35 So, wearing a belt, are you?
9:37 Yep.
9:38 No suspenders for you?
9:40 I guess not.
9:42 Orange is really your color. They make us wear this.
9:46 Shall we continue this conversation over dinner?
9:49 Uh, I'm not allowed to date customers.
9:52 It's store policy. No, it isn't.
9:54 Shut up, Arnold. No, come for it, man.
9:58 R.
9:59 Q.
10:00 J.
10:02 Question mark.
10:05 Smiley face.
10:07 Next.
10:09 Wait a minute. It says here you're single.
10:13 Did I do wrong?
10:16 Cold.
10:17 Biscuits.
10:19 Chicken.
10:21 Yellow.
10:23 Mail man. You're reading the wine list, sir.
10:26 Very good.
10:30 I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
10:33 Use your imagination.
10:51 Get out of my car.
10:56 This isn't my house.
10:59 Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore.
11:04 Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds of Hooray for Everything.
11:08 Hey, kids, take a walk on the wild side.
11:12 And all the races sing.
11:14 Do-do-do, shooby-doo-do-do, do-do-do, shooby-doo-do, yeah!
11:19 Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend? Sure, unless another ant dies.
11:25 Selma, your date's over already?
11:28 Yeah, I was so depressed I ate a jar of expired olives
11:34 I guess I'll never have a baby And Selma,
11:37 this may be presumptuous But have you ever considered artificial insemination?
11:43 Boy,
11:43 I don't know You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot I knew
11:50 that
11:52 How do I know I'm getting quality?
11:54 Don't worry.
11:55 Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process.
11:58 All done.
12:00 Thank you. Always a pleasure.
12:03 What a beautiful little girl.
12:12 101 Frozen Pops. A Nobel Prize winner.
12:17 An NBA All-Star.
12:20 Ooh, one of the sweat hogs. I checked. It's not Horseshack.
12:25 Hmm.
12:27 Are you sure you want to have a baby this way?
12:29 Yeah.
12:30 You've had some pretty bad experiences ordering out of catalogs.
12:34 Remember that mail order husband?
12:40 Ooh, you look just like your picture.
12:44 Sorry, my mind's made up. I want to have a kid, and this is the only way I can do it.
12:49 Why do you want to have a baby so bad?
12:52 I got a lot of love to give.
12:54 And right now, my only outlet is my ham radio.
13:00 Are you sure you've thought this through?
13:03 A child can really change your life. You'll have to give up smoking.
13:07 I'll chew.
13:08 No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup.
13:24 Oh great, dad's dead
13:30 Have you been eating that sandwich again?
13:35 Sandwich
13:37 Jeez,
13:39 we hardly made a dent in that ten foot hoagie I'll give it a good hope.
13:45 You've been eating that thing for a week.
13:47 I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
13:49 Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge.
13:52 Homer, I found this behind the radiator.
13:55 I really think you should throw it away.
13:57 Suggestion noted.
14:01 Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
14:05 Are you going to eat it?
14:08 Yes.
14:11 You look terrible.
14:13 I don't care.
14:15 I'm going to Duff Gardens.
14:23 So cold.
14:25 Your lips are turning blue.
14:27 I think you better stay home. No!
14:30 Duff Gardens!
14:32 Hurrah!
14:36 We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice.
14:39 We'll have fun, won't we, kids?
14:42 To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
14:45 That's the spirit.
14:46 See you tonight.
14:48 Goodbye, Dad.
14:48 Don't need any solids.
14:50 But I love solids.
14:52 Won't be any fun without you, Dad.
14:54 Yay!
14:58 This is all your fault!
15:00 Oh, how can I stay mad at you?
15:11 There it is! The Duff Burramid.
15:16 The Burramid contained so much aluminum, it would take five men to lift it.
15:21 Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction.
15:25 Ah, plenty more where that came from.
15:30 Look! It's the seven Duffs! There's Tipsy and there's Queasy.
15:35 There's Surly and Remorseful! Hey!
15:39 Take a picture, it'll last longer.
15:41 Get out of here.
15:46 Four score and seven years ago,
15:48 we took the finest hops and barley to brew a refreshing full-bodied lager.
15:59 Twelve!
16:01 I'm rapping A.B., and I'm here to say if you want to drink beer, that's the only way.
16:05 I said the only way. Break down!
16:11 This is a disgrace.
16:13 Settle down.
16:14 Anything this bad has to be educational.
16:16 Bart!
16:17 Let's see if they wore underwear back then.
16:19 Yeah!
16:23 Do you feel any better?
16:24 No.
16:25 What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday?
16:28 A thousand to one. Well, to cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos.
16:33 Boxing's greatest weigh-ins and Yentl. Yentl?
16:36 What's that? It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts to enter rabbinical school.
16:40 Sounds great!
16:42 Oh, my God, you're delirious.
16:49 Beer goggles.
16:50 See the world to the eyes of a drunk.
16:55 Wow!
16:56 You're charming the pants off of me.
16:59 What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses.
17:03 Oh, this looks like fun. A bench Kids,
17:08 what do you say you go get your Aunt Selma's beer smoothie No, come on, Aunt Selma,
17:13 we gotta go We have stuff to do, come on, let's have fun
17:22 Hey man, if the line's this long, it's gotta be good
17:27 Get bent
17:30 What's going on here?
17:31 Oh, Yentl I might have known That gentle puts the chi in your Shiva.
17:37 Well, you've cooled down.
17:40 That's what you think.
17:43 You know, I rented another tape in case you felt better.
17:49 The Erotic Adventures of Hercules.
17:52 With Norman Fala Zeus.
17:54 Woo-hoo!
17:55 Duff beer for me, duff beer for you.
17:59 I'll have a duck, you have one too.
18:14 I want to get off. You can't get off. We have five more continents to visit.
18:19 Hey, Lisa, I dare you to drink the water.
18:22 I'm not sure that is water.
18:24 Chicken.
18:27 Quit it, Bart.
18:28 Quit it.
18:39 the fear for me
18:46 they're all around me no way out
18:51 no way out I tell you what's wrong
18:55 you just put your head right here
19:07 Hercules!
19:08 The Cyclops tore off my clothes!
19:10 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Be here for me!
19:15 You have a doll!
19:19 You have what to do!
19:21 Barn!
19:22 Lisa!
19:33 Oh,
19:38 I can see the music.
19:43 Mitch, you're doing a bang-up job.
19:46 Thank you, sir.
19:53 Whoa, that isn't good.
19:59 Stop the right!
20:01 I'll have to ask my supervisor.
20:04 Better stop it.
20:09 Can't you do something?
20:11 Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy.
20:13 Surly.
20:14 Sorry, Surly. Shut up.
20:17 Don't blame these kids.
20:19 It's not their fault.
20:21 I think their father is missing a chromosome.
20:24 Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars.
20:36 And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.
20:43 We found this one swimming naked in the fermentarium.
20:46 I am the Lizard Queen.
20:49 Give her this, and this, and then these.
20:55 Oh, thank you, Doctor. No, I'm not a doctor.
20:58 Come to Homer, please.
21:02 I can't. The beans will burn.
21:05 Homer, please. Cares not for beans.
21:10 Hi, kids. How is stuffed gardens?
21:13 Can't talk.
21:13 Coming down.
21:18 How do you do it, Homer?
21:20 You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this.
21:23 No.
21:23 I mean raising kids.
21:26 I just couldn't cut it today.
21:29 All I wanted was a little version of me that I could hold in my arms.
21:34 Oh, Jug-Jug.
21:39 When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
21:44 Shh.
21:45 You make me feel...
21:50 You make me feel like a natural.
21:56 woman.
22:26 Close to you,
22:27 you make me feel so alive Cause you make
22:33 me feel
22:35 You make me feel You make
22:41 me feel Like a natural
22:45 woman
22:48 Oh yeah!
22:50 Shhh!
22:56 We'll be right back.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Carl Carlson, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Jimbo Jones, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Hans Moleman, Professor Frink, Dolph Starbeam, Snake, Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure, Jacqueline Bouvier, Abraham Lincoln, Jacques, George Washington, Richard Nixon, Lance Murdock, Jub-Jub Bouvier, Hooray For Everything, Jay Leno, Princess Opal, Robert Frost, Surly Duff, Arnold, Duff Gardens "Doctor", Duff Gardens Guard, Gladys Gurney, Grocery Clerk, Jim (Selma's Choice, Lizard Queen Lisa, Minister, Mitch, Sperm Bank Clerk, Sperm Bank Employee, The Seven Duffs, Waitress

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character