Brother from the Same Planet

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 14. First aired February 4, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Selma's Choice I Love Lisa → The whole episode as text

From “Brother from the Same Planet”: “When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said, Lorne, why me?” — When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said, Lorne, why me?

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About the episode

Furious that Homer left him waiting in the rain after soccer practice, Bart poses as a fatherless boy and gets Tom, a motorcycle-riding mentor from the Bigger Brothers agency. Homer retaliates by volunteering as a big brother to a boy named Pepi, and the feud ends in a fistfight with Tom. Meanwhile, Lisa runs up a phone bill of $378.53 calling the Corey Hotline.

Written by: Jon Vitti
Directed by: Jeffrey Lynch
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Phil Hartman as Eddie Muntz; Phil Hartman as Tom
Chalkboard gag: The Principal's toupee is not a frisbee
Couch gag: Revolving Wall
Production code: 9F12

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

325 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:56 I have the tiger, Bart.
0:58 I have the...
1:01 I stopped it. And I hurt somebody.
1:06 Ha ha!
1:07 Boys,
1:08 it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting
1:12 Camp.
1:13 Let's all congratulate Nelson!
1:18 Thanks, Dad!
1:20 Told ya!
1:24 Come on, Bart! We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie!
1:28 Let's call Bart and Fink. I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him.
1:33 Bart and Fink! Bart and Fink! Bart and Fink!
1:41 Homer, we're going to my sister's. Remember, pick up Bart.
1:45 I'm on my way.
1:51 What'd you say, Marge?
1:58 That could be Dad, station wagon, luggage rack.
2:03 I am woman, hear me roar, and number's too big to ignore,
2:08 and I know too much to go back to bed.
2:28 Dad, where are you?
2:31 Tonight on wings!
2:34 Ah, who cares?
2:40 This isn't funny!
2:45 Homer Simpson, Homer Simpson, pick up Bart, pick up Bart!
2:55 Trapuke Zip
2:57 Trapuke Zip What have we told you about writing on the walls?
3:02 Go to your room
3:09 After 16 glorious seasons The Green Bay faithful bid farewell to
3:14 Brian Bartlett's star I keep thinking I'm forgetting something Bart!
3:20 Bart!
3:28 I can't think with all this noise.
3:31 What am I supposed to do?
3:33 Pick up Bart.
3:36 Pick a bar?
3:37 What the hell is pick a bar?
3:39 It's not in the water! It's not in the water!
3:44 It's in the water!
3:49 Bird!
3:57 When!
3:59 Which!
4:06 Hide your shame! Hey homie, I can see your doodle.
4:10 Shut up, Flanders.
4:15 Hey, boy.
4:16 How was soccer practice?
4:25 Hey, Bart.
4:27 Son.
4:29 Here's my way of saying I'm sorry.
4:37 I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too.
4:41 I mean,
4:42 we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home.
4:47 But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.
4:54 Now how about a hug?
4:57 Hello, New York.
5:00 When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said, Lorne, why me?
5:07 I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine.
5:15 Yeah!
5:20 Anyway, we got a great show for you.
5:23 Well, actually, the last half hour is a real garbage dump.
5:28 We'll be right back.
5:37 I miss Joe Piscopo.
5:39 Lost your dad? Uh-huh.
5:41 He's not coming back, is he? He might.
5:44 No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.
5:53 Hello, Bigger Brothers. My name is Bart Simpson, and I don't have a father.
5:59 And now it's time for another episode of the Big Ear Family.
6:04 Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears.
6:08 Better clean them.
6:10 Huh?
6:15 This goes on for 12 more minutes.
6:20 So the last time you saw your father was six years ago?
6:23 Yeah, he left me out on the coin for the Ashman.
6:26 What a revolting development.
6:28 You brave little soldier.
6:32 I've been saving someone special for a case like yours
6:43 Bart Simpson Yo I'm Tom
6:48 Let's ride
6:53 Bart's dad has really pulled himself together Bart's not mad at me He called you a
6:59 bad father Marge, when kids these days say bad, they mean good.
7:04 And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt.
7:07 Permit me to demonstrate.
7:08 No, I just think you should talk to Bart about good lord.
7:16 Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill?
7:19 Oh, it's that record club.
7:20 The first nine were only a penny.
7:23 Then they jacked up the price.
7:27 It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells you.
7:31 No, no.
7:33 Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the Cory Hotline.
7:38 Wasn't me.
7:43 Lisa!
7:47 Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa?
7:50 I did.
7:51 Dad, can I... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
7:54 Oh, honey, I know what you're going through.
7:56 When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.
8:06 The point is, I want you to stop making these calls.
8:09 All right, Mom.
8:10 I promise you will never be billed for another call.
8:17 Bobby Sherman!
8:29 Your dad ever take you to baseball games?
8:31 Nah, his game was blackjack.
8:33 He bet our life savings on a single hand.
8:38 19.
8:38 Hit me. 20.
8:39 Hit me. 21.
8:41 Hit me. 22.
8:43 If I ever meet your dad...
8:45 The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the
8:49 Springfield Communist Party.
8:53 Boo!
8:57 This is better than dark day.
9:00 Now, you just let those eardrops sit for about 20 minutes.
9:03 If you get bored, here's a mash coloring book.
9:06 Here's a good one.
9:08 Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeon.
9:12 Hi,
9:20 you've reached the quarry hotline. 4.95 a minute.
9:24 Here are some words that rhyme with quarry.
9:26 Glory, story,
9:29 allegory, Montessori.
9:36 Okay, boy.
9:38 Tomorrow we'll blast your quads.
9:42 This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.
9:45 That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of furballs and stomach acid.
9:53 You idiot!
9:55 You're trying to kill me, man!
10:04 Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero Tom.
10:08 He lent me this new weapon called a neural disruptor.
10:16 He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while.
10:20 Very good, Bart. Thank you. Oh, don't thank me.
10:23 Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
10:26 Milhouse, you're next.
10:29 I have a horsey.
10:35 Horse!
10:37 Lisa, I'm glad you came.
10:40 I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun.
10:44 But we'll show them.
10:46 We'll show them all!
10:54 Hi, this is Cory.
10:56 I hope you and I can get married someday.
10:59 Hey, boy. Where are you going? Father-son picnic.
11:02 Have a good time.
11:05 Wait a minute.
11:07 Lisa, I know I can trust you to inventory this Glee Club peanut brittle.
11:11 Yes, Principal Scanner.
11:13 Now I've got to slash 40% out of the budget.
11:16 How long?
11:19 Science.
11:21 Ah, music and art.
11:23 What in blazes?
11:27 Good lord, that's a 900 number.
11:30 Let's see what's in the newspaper today.
11:34 Canada stalls on trade pact.
11:46 Hey, look at that forest fire down there Yeah, great What's the matter?
11:51 Well,
11:51 I've been thinking You've been really great to me But there's probably some other kid who
11:56 needs you even more Bart,
11:58 I could kiss you If the bigger brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't No
12:03 one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing Now let's sit down at that
12:08 Frogerd stand.
12:17 So, that's it.
12:22 Hello, son.
12:24 Where have you been? Playing with Milhouse.
12:26 No, you haven't.
12:27 You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours.
12:31 Haven't you?
12:33 Look at me.
12:34 Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.
12:38 How would you like me to take it? Go ahead, Bart.
12:40 Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you.
12:43 I'm sorry.
12:44 I can't do it. Well, what are you going to do?
12:50 Oh, you'll see.
12:53 And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?
12:56 Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
12:58 Uh, revenge?
13:00 That's it. I'm getting out of here.
13:05 Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson.
13:09 Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you.
13:14 Ugly, wiener, crater face.
13:18 Zooey!
13:21 Eh, maybe this was a mistake.
13:23 Do you have a bigger brother for me yet?
13:26 Okay, I'll be back in an hour.
13:40 I'll take him.
13:42 Do you have him in blood?
13:44 Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time.
13:48 If you can make it to midnight without calling the quarry line,
13:52 you'll know you've beaten it forever.
13:55 Midnight.
13:56 Listen to your mother, Lisa.
13:57 I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye.
14:01 And swift hands.
14:04 Oh, there's Mother now.
14:07 Watching me.
14:09 What's that, Mother?
14:11 Well, I have a right to be here.
14:12 It's school business.
14:15 Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore.
14:18 I think we should go.
14:20 Uh-huh.
14:25 He, he, he.
14:26 Just like Oscar the Grouch.
14:34 Papa Homer!
14:36 Son, your life is gonna get better.
14:38 Starting now.
14:40 Oh!
14:41 Your son Bart sounds very bad.
14:44 Oh, he is.
14:46 Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.
14:50 Shut up!
14:52 Mmm, grapefruit.
14:55 I just press this button, and the door opens like magic.
15:03 Why does it stop there?
15:05 Because it's a stupid piece of junk!
15:11 Well, I'd better get you home.
15:13 What's the matter?
15:15 I've spent every night of my life in the city.
15:17 I have never seen the stars.
15:20 Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations.
15:24 Well, there's Jerry the cowboy.
15:29 And that big dipper looking thing.
15:32 Alan, the cowboy.
15:35 Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned.
15:39 Learned, son.
15:40 It's pronounced learned.
15:42 I love you, Papa Homer.
15:44 I love you, too, Pepsi.
15:46 Peppy. Peppy.
15:48 Gotta make it till midnight.
16:22 Must you be forever dialing that phone?
16:29 Excuse me.
16:33 Oh, come on. Hurry!
16:39 Lisa?
16:48 Lisa, you tried your best.
16:52 At the tone, the time will be 12 midnight.
16:58 I made it.
17:03 It's a Trachy Show!
17:11 Riding andon!
17:17 Riding andon! Riding andon!
17:21 Riding andon!
17:36 Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard?
17:38 I gave it to Peppy.
17:40 Who the hell is Peppy? He's my little brother.
17:43 That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.
17:47 Who needs you?
17:48 Tom's a better father than you ever were.
17:50 Come on, Bart.
17:52 We had our fun.
17:53 Remember when I used to push you on the swing?
17:55 I was faking it.
17:57 Liar! Oh, yeah? Remember this?
18:00 Hire, Dad.
18:01 Hire. Whee!
18:02 Whee! Push harder, Dad. Come on. Higher, higher, faster.
18:06 Stop it! Stop it!
18:07 Stop it!
18:16 You know, the whale is not really a fish.
18:19 They're mammals like you and me.
18:21 Is that true?
18:23 No.
18:27 Woo!
18:30 Come and get it.
18:32 Heh heh heh.
18:33 Come and get it.
18:35 Woo!
18:36 Heh heh heh.
18:36 Stupid dolphin.
18:38 Hey!
18:43 Got my hot dog!
18:46 Uh-oh. Let him see me.
18:52 What the?
18:54 Oh.
18:55 It's you.
18:58 So.
18:59 You're looking well. Come on, Bart.
19:02 You know better than to talk to strangers.
19:04 For your information, I'm his father.
19:07 His father?
19:08 The drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be?
19:17 Hold up!
19:24 There you go, fellas.
19:29 Look, there's another disadvantaged boy.
19:32 Where?
19:35 There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
19:38 They still sell those frozen bananas?
19:40 I think so. Patrol.
19:42 This just in, a fist fight is in progress in downtown Springfield.
19:47 Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary,
19:50 that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
19:53 Do we have a source on this?
19:55 Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys.
19:58 All right, I could use some names.
20:00 I.P. Freely.
20:16 Uh, Homer?
20:20 Oh, right.
20:43 This is even more painful than it looks.
20:47 This is all my fault, Dad.
20:49 I didn't want you to get hurt.
20:52 Now I need to find another little brother.
20:54 And I need to find another big brother.
20:57 My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home.
21:00 And me? I have no ride at all.
21:03 I already bought a giant ham for dinner.
21:06 It's gonna go to waste.
21:07 Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry.
21:10 Well, goodbye.
21:12 Wait.
21:13 I've got an idea.
21:14 An idea?
21:15 Huh?
21:31 Another beer, Dad?
21:32 Thanks, son.
21:34 Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, I'm a hemophiliac?
21:39 And when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
21:42 Yeah?
21:43 Will you teach me how to do that?
21:45 Sure, boy.
21:47 First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust.
21:53 that's when it's time to kick some back.
21:57 And then when he's lying out on the ground kick him in the rib step on his neck
22:02 and run like hell.
22:26 We'll be right back.
22:52 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Martin Prince, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Adrian Belew, Agnes Skinner, Itchy, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Scratchy, Boy with shades, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Abraham Lincoln, Brown-haired boy, Space Mutants, Bubbles, Curious Bear Cub, Mona Simpson, Benjamin Franklin, Master Sushi Chef, Eddie Muntz, Beatrice Simmons, Corey Masterson, Oscar the Grouch, Grandma Van Houten, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Tom, Baseball Announcer, Bigger Brothers clerk, Case 916044, Communist Party Recruiter, Pepi, Woman resembling Homer

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character