I Love Lisa

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 15. First aired February 11, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Brother from the Same Planet Duffless → The whole episode as text

From “I Love Lisa”: “Johnny Johnny Johnny” — Johnny Johnny Johnny

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About the episode

Seeing that Ralph Wiggum has received no valentines, Lisa gives him one out of sympathy, and he becomes convinced she loves him. Lisa goes along with his attentions, even joining him at Krusty the Clown's anniversary special, until he declares his feelings on live TV and she rejects him in front of everyone. The heartbroken Ralph pours his pain into the school's Presidents' Day pageant.

Written by: Frank Mula
Directed by: Wes Archer
Guest stars: Michael Carrington as Sideshow Raheem
Chalkboard gag: I will not call the principal 'spud head'
Couch gag: Circus Line
Production code: 9F13

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

338 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:55 Oh, my God.
1:37 The Monster Mash And do my graveyard side Doing the Monster
1:43 Mash with you on this beautiful Valentine's Day.
1:47 Marty, why did you play that song today?
1:49 There must be thousands of love songs. Well, it's kind of a love song.
1:53 All the monsters enjoying each other's company, you know, dancing,
1:57 holding their evil in check. You played the wrong record, didn't you?
2:01 Why are you doing this to me?
2:05 Bah!
2:06 This is just another hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
2:12 A Valentine from my granddaughter.
2:16 Could I have the envelope?
2:18 To Moe from your secret admirer.
2:22 Oh, God, no.
2:26 And this is for my huggy bug in honor of this special day Special day?
2:32 Oh, what have I forgotten now?
2:34 Now don't panic.
2:35 Is it bacon day?
2:37 Nope, that's crazy talk She's getting impatient.
2:40 Take a stab at it Happy Valentine's Day Oh, thank you,
2:45 dear Woohoo!
2:47 I bet you have a lot of things planned, eh, Dad?
2:50 Uh, kind of Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
2:56 If you think I'm cuddly and you want my company, come on, wifey,
3:02 let me know.
3:03 Ah! Ah! Ah!
3:05 Oh!
3:06 Hey, Dad, why don't you give Mom her present?
3:09 What a nice idea, son.
3:12 It's, uh, upstairs, on the second floor of our house.
3:17 I'll just go get it.
3:30 Appu, you gotta help me. I need a Valentine's gift for my wife.
3:33 Perhaps this might be appropriate?
3:36 Yes! You saved my life. How much? One hundred dollars.
3:40 What? That's highway robbery. I won't pay it.
3:42 Oh, I think you will. Forget it, pal.
3:46 La-da-dee, la-da-da.
3:47 La-da-dum, la-da-dee, la-da-dum, la-dum, la-da-dee.
3:51 All right, but I'll never shop here again.
3:54 If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
3:58 Nickel off on expired baby food.
4:00 Sold!
4:02 Miss Hoover, can we exchange our Valentines?
4:04 Not just yet, Janie.
4:06 First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the Valentines.
4:10 Isn't that just pointless busy work?
4:12 Bullseye, get cracking.
4:14 Yes, Ralph.
4:15 My parents won't let me use scissors.
4:19 The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph These things couldn't cut butter Now,
4:24 take out your red crayons Miss Hoover?
4:27 Yes, Ralph I don't have a red crayon Why not?
4:32 I ate it
4:35 Attention, everyone This is Principal Skinner Some student,
4:39 possibly Bart Simpson Has been circulating candy hearts Featuring crude,
4:43 off-color sentiments Well, let me tell you something Valentine's Day is no joke
4:56 Sending your chick a valentine, huh?
4:58 Yep
5:04 Johnny Johnny Johnny
5:09 Cool, I broke his brain All right,
5:13 children You may now exchange valentine Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
5:35 Poor Ralph.
5:39 Here you go, Ralph.
5:43 You choo-choo-choose me? Happy Valentine's.
5:53 All right, special holiday meal.
5:58 What do you want these beef hearts? On the floor.
6:02 It doesn't look very clean. Just do your job, heart boy.
6:18 Bart, what's wrong?
6:20 My baboon heart.
6:22 Buddy, rejecting it.
6:28 Mm-hmm.
6:33 Can I walk you home?
6:36 Valentine?
6:38 Sure, I guess.
6:39 That valentine sure was funny Glad you liked it
6:44 It says, choo-choo,
6:47 choose me And there's a picture of a train Nice gag
6:56 So, do you like stuff?
7:03 The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there
7:09 Well, here's my house.
7:47 Hey, kids,
7:48 don't forget to watch my 29th anniversary show Featuring clips like this one of Sideshow
7:53 Mel whacked out on Waui sauce
7:57 Everyone's always kissing your ass Well,
8:00 I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a... Oh,
8:05 I'd give anything to go to that show I saw my firstborn son.
8:10 Hey!
8:11 You'll do as you're told.
8:12 Ralph thinks I like him, but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
8:17 Ah, sweet pity.
8:18 Where would my love life have been without it?
8:21 What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
8:24 Well, honey, what... Let me handle this, Marge.
8:26 I've heard them all. I like you as a friend.
8:29 I think we should see other people.
8:31 I know speak English.
8:33 I get the idea. I'm married to the sea.
8:35 I don't want to kill you, but I will. Honey, honey,
8:38 I tell this boy that you're very flattered,
8:40 but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
8:43 Thanks, Mom.
8:44 And if that doesn't work, six simple words.
8:47 I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
8:49 Ralph, I think you're nice, but I'm just not ready for this kind of thing.
8:54 Do you understand?
8:55 I guess so.
8:56 Good.
9:01 Dad, how do you get a girl to like you? Son,
9:05 whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence.
9:10 Keep at it and never lose your cool.
9:15 Oh, come on, you stupid...
9:18 Let that be less of the rest of you, nuts!
9:21 Okay, Dad, I'll be persistent.
9:24 Is that how you got Mom?
9:25 Well, son, never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.
9:31 Oh, yeah.
9:41 Hey, boys and girls. Only four days till my anniversary show.
9:45 29 years. And when I came on, they said I wouldn't last a week.
9:49 And you know where those reviewers are?
9:51 All dead.
9:53 How you doing on there, fellas?
9:55 Huh?
9:56 Anyway, here's a clip.
9:58 Now, why do they call this a urine monkey?
10:02 A... Oh.
10:04 I just found out.
10:05 That's funny for so many reasons.
10:08 We have to go to that show. Forget it.
10:11 To get those tickets, our parents would have to be part of Springfield's cultural elite.
10:15 Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?
10:25 Oh, no, it's Ralph.
10:27 Just make up some excuse.
10:30 He's in the can. Go away. Yes, sir. I'd do anything for Lisa.
10:36 Really?
10:39 Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy.
10:44 Yeah, they'll do that.
10:48 Dearest Martha, since boyhood I have yearned to be on the one dollar bill.
10:53 And with your help, this I shall achieve.
10:56 Sincerely, George Washington.
11:00 Thank you, Rex.
11:03 I've selected the cast for our President's Day pageant.
11:06 Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson.
11:10 George Washington will be played by...
11:14 Ralph Wiggum.
11:17 What? This is a travesty. Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school.
11:22 Sit down, Rex. I will not sit down.
11:25 Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow.
11:27 That's absurd, Rex.
11:28 Ralph won the part fair and square.
11:32 That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys.
11:37 Now Ralph is in the play with me.
11:39 I just know he's going to embarrass me in front of the whole school.
11:47 Oh, no.
11:49 It's a package from Ralph.
11:52 Oh, a Malibu Stacy convertible.
11:55 Look in the trunk.
11:58 He must mean trunk.
12:02 Tickets to the Krusty anniversary show!
12:05 Oh, he must want me to go with him.
12:08 Oh, it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are.
12:12 I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test.
12:15 I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him.
12:18 You're right, Lise. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest.
12:21 I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands?
12:25 I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
12:26 What if he wants a kiss? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
12:29 What if he... You don't want to know how far I'll go.
12:33 Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?
12:36 Sure it is, honey.
12:38 You do mean stealing, don't you?
12:40 Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me.
12:45 Your conscience?
12:46 Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.
12:50 Homie, that's a terrible thing to say.
12:53 Oh, shut up. Yes, sir.
12:57 I am so glad you cho-cho chose to come.
13:01 I think you should give that a rest, Ralph.
13:04 Chief Wiggum, how'd you ever get these tickets?
13:07 Grusty knows how to play ball.
13:13 Nothing beats a good porno movie.
13:16 Chief Wiggum, is this a bust?
13:18 Uh, yeah.
13:19 It's just what it is, a bust.
13:22 That story isn't suitable for children.
13:24 Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
13:28 It's the Krusty the Clown 29th Anniversary Show!
13:32 Hey!
13:36 Thank you, thank you!
13:38 Hey, Mr. President!
13:39 I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!
13:44 You know, I started this show so long ago, the Ayatollah only had a goatee!
13:50 Ha-ha!
13:55 What's the matter? Don't you people read the papers?
13:58 Uh, let's look at some clips.
14:01 He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow.
14:07 Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man?
14:12 We discussed this, and I said no.
14:17 Now here's a clip from 1973.
14:21 Try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side.
14:26 Yeah!
14:30 What was I on?
14:32 Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream?
14:35 No, thanks.
14:36 Send it this way, boy.
14:38 Whoops.
14:39 Aw.
14:40 Aw, nothing gets chocolate out. See?
14:43 I work with some marvelous second bananas over the years,
14:47 but none more memorable than Sideshow Rahim.
14:51 Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this.
14:55 I wouldn't.
14:56 Right on.
15:03 Angry.
15:04 Angry young man.
15:06 Now for my favorite part of the show.
15:09 What's that say?
15:10 Talk to the audience.
15:12 Oh, God, this is always death.
15:15 All right.
15:16 Oh, no, please don't show me with Ralph.
15:19 What's your name, son?
15:21 Ralph!
15:22 And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
15:25 Yes. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her.
15:30 No!
15:32 Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you.
15:36 And the only reason I gave you that stupid Valentine is because nobody else would.
15:40 Watch this, Lisa.
15:41 You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
15:47 And now.
15:49 Aw.
16:00 At least you guys are my friends.
16:07 Son, I know just how you feel. You got a great little girl and the world's her oyster.
16:12 No, Dad.
16:13 She made a fool out of me.
16:15 Hey, come to think of it, she did.
16:18 Well, she didn't reckon with the awesome power of the chief of police.
16:22 Now, where did I put my badge?
16:26 Hey, that duck's got it.
16:28 Oh, come on, come on, give it back. I need it.
16:32 I'll keep it.
16:38 Something wrong, officer?
16:40 Yeah, got a taillight out. Where?
16:43 Right there. You know,
16:46 one day honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.
16:50 They are?
16:51 Oh, no.
16:52 Have they set a date?
16:59 This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from fire drill follies.
17:04 I just don't know what went wrong.
17:06 You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out.
17:10 Hmm.
17:11 So Mother was right.
17:13 It was my fault.
17:14 Go ahead.
17:16 Water it down some more. My God, man.
17:18 I've watered it down as far as she'll go.
17:21 I cannot water no more.
17:24 Good evening, everyone,
17:25 and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
17:31 We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known presidents.
17:39 We are the Medioghurt presidents.
17:42 You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents.
17:46 There's Taylor, there's Tyler, there's Fillmore and there's Hayes.
17:49 There's William Henry Harrison. I died in 30 days.
17:53 We are being adequate, forgettable,
17:58 occasionally regrettable.
18:01 Caretaker presidents of the U.S.
18:06 H.A.
18:15 Hey, girls, check out this president.
18:17 I am not a butt.
18:21 Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
18:25 I'll be good.
18:30 Ralph, I'm sorry.
18:32 Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.
18:36 Uh, Ralph?
18:39 Miss Hoover, this beard's giving me a rash Milhouse,
18:44 you have one line and then you're shot Now get out there
18:47 I thought that civil war would never end Now to soothe my head
18:53 with an evening at Ford's Theater Oh no,
18:57 John Wilkes Booth Hasta la vista, 80
19:04 Come on, boy, finish him off
19:08 You're next, just a A, Arthur
19:13 Unhand me, Yankee And now our evening comes to an end Woohoo!
19:18 With a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington Don't!
19:26 Dear, dear George Washington Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
19:34 Well, can it?
19:40 Dear madam,
19:42 would you put a price on the air we breathe or the providence that sustains us?
19:47 But couldn't we just give in to the British?
19:50 Never!
19:53 That boy is magnificent.
19:56 He makes me want to learn more about our founding fathers.
20:00 To the library!
20:02 Yeah!
20:03 Dear Martha, I fear my time is at hand.
20:07 Oh, George.
20:10 Your broth, Mr. President.
20:12 I ask for no broth.
20:15 Away with you, lest my cane find your backside.
20:18 Hmm, yes.
20:22 Please don't leave me, George.
20:24 Dear wife,
20:26 if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life,
20:30 It would be your tender kiss.
20:37 Now that's a man.
20:46 I didn't cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig.
20:51 But I'll cry now.
21:00 From sea to shining sea.
21:07 Thanks for coming.
21:08 And don't forget to purchase some orange drink for the long ride home.
21:14 Help! Help!
21:15 You were so good. I thought I was going to die.
21:19 Lisa!
21:20 Hi, Ralph. You were great tonight.
21:23 Aw, thanks.
21:25 I've got something for you.
21:27 Let's be friends. It says bee and there's a picture of a bee on it.
21:35 I thought you'd like it.
21:38 Oh, look at that.
21:41 Attention all units! Riot in progress at...
21:44 Not tonight.
21:45 Hey, hey!
21:45 Bill and Marty here wrapping up a beautiful President's Day.
21:49 To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.
21:53 I was working in the lab late one night When my eyes beheld an
21:59 eerie sight For my monster from his slab began to rise And suddenly,
22:05 to my surprise He did the match He did the monster match The monster match
22:11 It was a graveyard smash He did the match It caught on in a flash
22:17 He did the match He did the monster match From my laboratory in the
22:23 castle east To the master bedroom where the vampires feast The girls
22:28 all came from their humble abode To get a jolt from my electrode They
22:34 did the match They did the monster match
22:39 It was a graveyard smack
22:42 It caught on in a flash They did the match They did the monster match
22:48 The zombies were having fun The party hit just because
22:54 The guest is... Shh!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Sideshow Mel, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Adrian Belew, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Itchy, Long-haired girl, Buck-toothed boy, Scratchy, Sarah Wiggum, Chuck Berger, Lunchlady Dora, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Wanda, Smug Girl, Coward, White-Haired Girl, Freddy, Abraham Lincoln, Marty, George Washington, Richard Nixon, Santa Claus, Afro Girl, Bill Clinton, Tanya, Bill, Ralph, John Wilkes Booth, Theodore Roosevelt, Cecile Shapiro, Retirement Castle administrator, Jungle Jane, Robert Frost, Sideshow Raheem, Beef heart guy, Frosty the Snowman, Good Homer, Hillary Clinton, Johnny, Rex

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character