Duffless

The Simpsons, season 4, episode 16. First aired February 18, 1993. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← I Love Lisa Last Exit to Springfield → The whole episode as text

From “Duffless”: “So drink up, and up, and up!” — So drink up, and up, and up!

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About the episode

A drunk-driving arrest after a Duff Brewery tour with Barney costs Homer his license, so Marge asks him to stay off beer for 30 days. When Bart throws Lisa's science fair tomato at Principal Skinner, she tests whether her brother is smarter than a hamster, but Bart wins the fair with a hamster that flies a plane. After a sober month, Homer chooses a bike ride with Marge over Moe's.

Written by: David M. Stern
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz; Phil Hartman as Troy McClure
Chalkboard gag: Goldfish don't bounce
Couch gag: Off-Film
Production code: 9F14

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

315 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:00 The Simpsons
0:36 Ah!
0:54 Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids,
0:57 I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
1:00 Go, go, Ray.
1:02 Allow me to demonstrate.
1:06 What the...
1:11 Can't stop doing the monkey.
1:24 I'm disrupting the learning process, and I love it.
1:28 First prize!
1:36 Why are you saying that? Just screwing with your mind.
1:41 Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.
1:45 Yeah, syrup is better than jelly.
1:48 I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
1:53 The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence?
1:56 The very same.
1:58 I think this tomato could wipe out world hunger.
2:02 More tomato?
2:04 Yes, please.
2:08 Where's your science fair project, boy?
2:10 I thought I'd investigate the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs.
2:17 Far, don't give the dogs cigarettes.
2:21 Well, time to go to work.
2:24 Little did I know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
2:29 We're all in at nine, punch out at five.
2:31 That's the plan.
2:33 They don't suspect a thing.
2:36 Well, off to the plant, then to the Duff Brewery.
2:40 Uh-oh.
2:41 Did I say that or just think it?
2:43 I gotta think of a lie fast. Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
2:59 If the plant ye wish to flee, go to sector 7b.
3:17 To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse.
3:21 Uh, don't shoot, not, no.
3:29 Hey, that looks like Princess Di.
3:35 Oh, wait, it's just a pile of rags.
3:39 Oh, Bart, I forgot my math book. Would you hold this for me, please?
3:43 Certainly.
3:48 Shoes untied. Over, under, in and out That's what shoe tying's all about
4:08 No!
4:31 Welcome to the Duff Brewery.
4:33 Now,
4:33 I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors that a batch of Duff was contaminated with strychnine.
4:39 Strychnine?
4:40 That's news to me. Are you sure?
4:42 Well, everyone's talking about it. It was even on CNN last night.
4:46 CNN?
4:46 Oh, no. I didn't see it. Well, it's not true.
4:49 Let's go!
4:54 Now, here's one of our favorite Duff beer commercials from the early 1950s.
4:59 Only Duff fills your Q-zone with pure beer goodness.
5:05 So drink up, and up, and up!
5:12 Duff beer, proud sponsors of Amos and Andy.
5:15 We're proud of all of our Duff commercials, but here's a very special one from 1960.
5:21 Well, I would suggest, Mr. Van Ocher, that if you knew the president,
5:26 that was probably just a facetious remark.
5:29 And now, a word from our sponsor.
5:31 I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.
5:39 I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.
5:44 A man never drank a Duff in his life
5:48 And here we have Duff Duff Light And our newest flavor, Duff Dry
5:54 What does the future hold for Duff?
5:57 Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve Like what?
6:01 Um, I'd rather not get into it right now Why not?
6:04 Alright, we don't have any ideas for the future We got nothing Happy?
6:08 No
6:10 Mom, Bart wrecked my project in the science fairs in three days.
6:17 Well, I've got an idea.
6:19 Why don't you run a hamster through a maze?
6:24 Help me!
6:29 What's so funny?
6:31 Oh, I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's head.
6:37 Now this is the most important man on the tour He's in charge of quality control
6:43 Fine, fine, mouse, fine, mouse, rat, fine, syringe,
6:48 fine, nose, fine Let me just say, you're doing a great job, Phil Hey, thanks a lot,
6:54 that makes it all worthwhile
6:56 Mmm, gummy beer
7:00 Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough Are you crazy?
7:04 We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff...
7:17 Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.
7:20 I'm fine.
7:21 Okay.
7:22 You leave me no option.
7:24 Ow.
7:25 What was that for?
7:27 I'm trying to knock you out.
7:29 Ow.
7:30 Cut it out.
7:33 Ow!
7:39 All right, here, take the keys.
7:47 Look alive, boys. Couple of stewed prunes heading your way.
7:55 Goat.
7:57 W, X, Y, and Z.
8:00 Now I know my ABCs. Won't you come and play with me?
8:06 Flawless. We also would have accepted, tell me what you think of me.
8:10 I guess you're free to... Give him the breathalyzer!
8:13 Huh?
8:14 You're under arrest.
8:17 Think you can get this car home? Sure thing, giant beer!
8:24 Ow!
8:26 Mother of mercy!
8:29 This is kind of fun!
8:31 Whee!
8:39 Hello?
8:40 Yeah, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news.
8:43 Your husband was found D.O.A. Oh, my God, he's dead?
8:47 Oh, wait, I mean D.W.I.
8:50 I always get those two mixed up.
8:52 My name is Mrs. Phillips.
8:54 You said my husband is D.W.I.?
8:58 Uh... Why don't you talk to that officer over there?
9:01 I'm going out to lunch.
9:03 Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here.
9:08 Surprise witnesses.
9:09 Each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him.
9:15 Pipe down in there, huts.
9:17 Your license is hereby revoked,
9:19 and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Akanon meetings.
9:23 Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
9:26 No.
9:29 It doesn't get any better than this.
9:32 I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
9:36 Okay.
9:38 This little guy writes mysteries under the name of J.D.
9:42 McGregor.
9:42 How can a hamster write mysteries?
9:44 Well, he gets the ending first, then he works backwards.
9:48 Oh, come on.
9:49 Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?
9:51 Have a good day at work, honey.
10:00 Stupid bicycle.
10:02 Can't believe this.
10:03 No good rotten...
10:06 I guess it's not all bad.
10:09 I propose to determine the answer to the question, Is my brother dumber than a hamster?
10:15 Hey, ladies, look what I can do.
10:19 Doggone it.
10:33 Oh, the Markable.
10:38 Stupid books.
10:40 Hey, a cupcake.
10:43 Uh-huh.
10:47 Daaah!
10:52 Hamster one, Bart zero.
10:56 Experiment two.
10:57 The food is connected to a mild electrical current.
11:01 The hamster has learned a valuable lesson.
11:05 Beware the hand of man.
11:12 Oh, wise guy, eh?
11:19 Ow!
11:23 Hamster 2, Bart 0.
11:27 Now, if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again,
11:31 this film will scare the pants off of you.
11:38 Guys, guys, this is the wrong movie.
11:40 Oh, wait a second. I do something really funny here.
11:58 What a terrible waste.
12:01 Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure.
12:04 You might remember me from such driver's ed films as Alice's Adventures Through the
12:08 Windshield Glass and The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.
12:12 For the next 60 minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.
12:36 Here's an appealing fellow.
12:38 In fact, they're appealing him off the sidewalk.
12:43 It's funny, because I don't know him.
12:46 I'm here for the Elkanon meeting.
12:49 Mm-hmm. Third door on your left.
12:51 Coping with senility?
12:52 No!
12:53 I'm here for microwave cookery.
12:55 No, wait.
12:57 Coping with senility.
13:00 My name is Ned. Hello, Ned.
13:03 It's been 4,000 days since my last drink.
13:07 It was my first and last blackberry schnapps.
13:13 Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? And Landers is a boring old bitty.
13:18 Ned!
13:20 I was more animal than man.
13:23 My name is Otto.
13:25 I love to get blotto.
13:28 My name is Hans.
13:30 Drinking has ruined my life.
13:32 I'm 31 years old.
13:35 My name is Homer, and I'm just here because the court made me come.
13:39 Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
13:43 Ah!
13:49 So they say I might have a problem.
13:52 Homie, do you ever drink alone?
13:55 Does the Lord count as a person?
13:57 No.
13:58 Then yes.
13:59 Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
14:02 Thank you, that'd be nice.
14:03 Do you ever hide beer around the house?
14:05 Do I ever.
14:09 Do you ever drink to escape from reality?
14:20 Homie, I'd like you to do something for me.
14:22 You name it. I want you to give up beer for a month.
14:26 You got it. No deer for a month. Did you say beer or deer?
14:32 Deer.
14:34 Please, homie. I know you can do this.
14:38 All right.
14:39 Starting tomorrow, no beer for a month.
14:45 What was that noise?
14:46 I was saying, psst, I love you.
14:51 Bart, could you go get the cupcakes?
14:54 Cupcakes, cupcakes, yes, sweet cakes for all.
15:10 Well, beer, we've had some great times.
15:14 When I was 17,
15:17 I drank some very good beer.
15:24 Here I purchased with a fake ID.
15:28 My name was Brian McKee.
15:31 I stayed up listening to Queen when I was 17.
15:44 Huh?
15:48 She'll pay for this. I'm gonna crush her like this pellet.
15:52 Ow!
16:01 Looking for something?
16:02 What have you done with my report?
16:04 I've hidden it.
16:06 To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendishly.
16:09 Got it!
16:13 Behold gravity in all its glory!
16:20 Pretty lame, Milhouse.
16:22 Can I touch it? I've worked too long and hard on this for you to screw it up now.
16:27 But it's got my name on it. Just stand over there.
16:30 Over there!
16:32 Behold the flying machine that will carry me, Phileas Fogg,
16:36 around the world in 80 days.
16:43 Dang!
16:44 I was aiming for his head!
16:46 Don't think about beer.
16:51 Hmm, alcohol-fueled car.
16:55 One for you, one for me.
17:03 I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
17:06 Please, Mother.
17:08 It's purely in the interest of science.
17:11 That'll learn him to bust my tomato.
17:18 Step right up, folks.
17:20 We'll answer the question that has been plaguing scientists for ages.
17:24 Can hamsters fly planes?
17:29 Oh, look. He's got miniature goggles on.
17:31 Oh, and a little scarf.
17:33 Isn't that adorable?
17:35 But this project has no scientific merit.
17:38 Oh, take a hike, sister.
17:40 Sour grapes.
17:41 Lisa, every good scientist is half B.F. Skinner and half P.T.
17:45 Barnum.
17:45 I don't think I need to see the other exhibits.
17:48 First prize!
17:54 One down, 29 to go.
17:58 Down with sexism!
18:03 Look at all those feminists.
18:05 You thinking what I'm thinking?
18:15 All right!
18:19 TV, have you turned on me too?
18:25 The wind-up and the 2-2 pitch.
18:28 Oh, no, sir, wait a minute. The banner is calling for time.
18:32 Looks like he's going and getting himself a new bat.
18:35 And now there's a beach ball on the field.
18:38 And the ball boys are discussing which one of them's going to go get it.
18:42 I never realized how boring this game is.
18:48 I think I've lost weight. You've never looked better.
18:54 Thank you all for coming.
18:56 We've got some very interesting developments in the field of supperware.
19:00 Uh-huh.
19:02 This is the 128-ounce tub.
19:04 You can fit your whole head in it.
19:10 Don't be scared, Jub-Jub.
19:12 It's Mama.
19:13 I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
19:18 So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything.
19:21 There's no judgment here.
19:24 The other day, I was so desperate for a beer,
19:26 I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
19:31 I cast thee out! Don't think about beer.
19:34 Don't think about beer. Don't think about beer.
19:37 Ah!
19:45 Chug-a-la, chug-a-la, chug-a-la, chug-a-la, chug-a-la, chug-a-la.
19:49 Ah!
20:03 No!
20:07 Thirty days.
20:09 I'm proud of you, homie. Marge, I'm going to Moe's.
20:12 Send the kids to the neighbors. I'm coming back loaded.
20:17 You don't have to start drinking right away.
20:20 I was thinking we could go for a bike ride.
20:22 But Marge, the barflies are expecting me.
20:25 Moe and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill.
20:29 But you look better.
20:31 You don't sweat while you eat anymore. And look, you've saved more than a hundred dollars.
20:36 I found it in your pants.
20:38 Yoink!
20:42 Well, well, look who it is. Mr. I-don't-need-alcohol-to-enjoy-life.
20:48 We hate him, right, fellas?
20:52 Moe, give me a beer. Hey, everybody!
20:55 Homer's back!
21:08 Come on, Homer.
21:10 Do it for your old pal, Mosey. But, Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of...
21:16 Pipe down, Rubber Dub!
21:18 Oh.
21:21 Put it in the fridge, Mo.
21:22 I've got a date with my wife.
21:26 You'll be back. And so will you.
21:29 And you.
21:32 Of course I'll be back.
21:34 If you didn't close, I'd never leave.
21:37 Raindrops keep falling on my head.
21:40 But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.
21:46 La la la la la.
21:54 Because I'm free.
21:58 Nothing's worrying me.
22:15 It won't be long till happiness steps up
22:21 to greetin' me
22:26 The raindrops keep fallin' on my head
22:30 That doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
22:35 Crying's not for me Cause I'm never gonna stop
22:41 the rain by complaining Because I'm free
22:48 Nothing's worrying me

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Maude Flanders, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Nina Skalka, Larry Dalrymple, Hans Moleman, Helen Lovejoy, Sam, Bernice Hibbert, Becky Shorter, Sophie Jensen, Itchy, Long-haired girl, Ruth Powers, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Lionel Hutz, Sarah Wiggum, Gloria Prince, Troy McClure, Chuck Berger, Wanda, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Raphael, Space Mutants, Yendor, J. Loren Pryor, Richard Nixon, Adolf Hitler, John F. Kennedy, Jub-Jub Bouvier, Julie, Baseball Announcer 1, Father, Mother, Brian McGee, Duff Tour Guide, Liquor store employee, Mr. Berger, Mrs. Phillips, Phil, SNPP Guard

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character