Lisa's Rival

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 2. First aired September 11, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Lisa's Rival”: “If foodstuff should touch the ground,” — If foodstuff should touch the ground,

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About the episode

Lisa's standing as Springfield Elementary's top student is threatened by Allison Taylor, a younger new girl who is just as bright and also plays the saxophone. Consumed by jealousy, Lisa, with Bart's help, replaces Allison's Tell-Tale Heart diorama with a box holding a cow's heart, but guilt makes her produce the real one, and Ralph Wiggum wins anyway. Meanwhile, Homer hoards sugar from a crashed truck.

Written by: Mike Scully
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Winona Ryder as Allison Taylor
Chalkboard gag: No one is interested in my underpants.
Couch gag: Swimming Family
Production code: 1F17

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

377 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:37 Lisa, will you keep it down?
0:39 I'm making a crank phone call to Principal Skinner.
0:42 Well, as a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running.
0:44 You spared me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.
0:48 Oh, it's my room, and I can do what I want.
0:50 Oh, yeah?
0:51 Well, I can do what I want in my room.
0:57 Bud, quit it!
1:00 I can keep this up all day.
1:12 Lisa, stop the racket. I'm trying to fix your mother's camera.
1:15 Easy.
1:21 I'm gonna need a bigger drill.
1:32 My, these seas are certainly heaving. Well,
1:36 no more than your bountiful bosom, milady.
1:41 Does that earring mean you're a pirate?
1:44 Kinda.
1:45 Ah, the seas have quieted.
1:48 And only in this sweet embrace of quietude can two lovers truly be
1:53 as... Ooh, such noise.
1:56 Ooh.
1:56 Well, I'm done for the evening.
2:00 Lisa, stop blowing my sacks I mean, stop blowing your sacks Your sacks, stop it Mom,
2:06 I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band And I've got to practice I'm sorry,
2:10 but I sacrificed a very expensive camera Just to get some quiet time
2:18 Fine, I'll play outside
2:22 Hey, that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet You know what that means, kids?
2:26 Yay!
2:28 Judgment Day!
2:31 45 seconds till Pencils Down.
2:34 Lisa, what's the answer to number 7?
2:37 Sorry, Ralph, that would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
2:42 My cat's name is Mittens.
2:44 3, 2, 1, and that's Pencils Down.
2:48 Now, here's an oral extra credit question.
2:51 What was Christopher Columbus actually looking for when he discovered America?
2:55 Ooh, ooh.
2:57 Anyone besides Lisa for a change?
2:59 Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ralph, this better not be about your cat.
3:03 Ooh.
3:03 Oh, all right. Columbus was looking for a passage to India.
3:07 Oh, correct, Allison.
3:09 And on your very first day in our class.
3:11 And during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found what is now the continent of South America.
3:16 Yowie.
3:17 I never made Miss Hoover yowie.
3:21 Hi, Allison.
3:22 I'm Lisa Simpson. Oh,
3:24 it's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal eight-year-old level.
3:28 Actually, I'm seven.
3:30 I was just skipped ahead because I was getting bored with the first grade.
3:33 You're younger than me, too.
3:40 Are you hyperventilating? No.
3:42 I just like to smell my lunch.
3:45 Gee, I never met anyone who's skipped a grade before.
3:47 I'm surprised you haven't been skipped. You're obviously smart enough.
3:50 Well, I'm sure I could have, but I'd hate to leave behind all my wonderful friends.
3:56 Out of the way, brain queen!
3:59 Hey, Sarah!
4:01 Well, I gotta go.
4:03 I have to practice for band auditions.
4:05 Me too. Hey, what instrument do you play?
4:07 The sax. Me too.
4:09 I'm going for first chair this year. Me too.
4:12 Wow, with so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends.
4:16 Me too. Me too.
4:22 Hurry up and finish eating.
4:23 You're steering fine, boy.
4:25 Hard to the right.
4:26 Hard to the left.
4:27 Cat.
4:28 Sheer.
4:28 Old man.
4:30 Jackknife sugar truck.
4:33 Sugar?
4:38 Don't worry, buddy. Here's a quarter. Call for help at the nearest phone.
4:41 I'll keep an eye on things here. If only the sugar were as sweet as you, sir.
4:46 Homer, that was downright decent of you.
4:48 We hit the jackpot here. White gold, Texas tea.
4:53 Sweetener.
4:57 Dad, isn't this stealing?
4:59 I need your town charter, boy.
5:01 If foodstuff should touch the ground,
5:03 said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.
5:06 Since I don't see him around, start shoveling.
5:14 Mom?
5:15 What? What?
5:16 Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead?
5:20 I don't know, honey. I guess that's the school's decision to make.
5:23 Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school?
5:25 Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could have been nicer to Principal Skinner,
5:29 if you know what I mean.
5:31 Lisa!
5:32 I am nice.
5:35 Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
5:40 It hurts my teeth. That's because I've loaded it with sugar!
5:45 March, our ship has come in.
5:47 I found 500 pounds of sugar in the forest that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer.
5:53 And all for a low, low price of $1 per pound.
5:55 But the grocery stores sell sugar for 35 cents a pound.
5:58 And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.
6:01 Those are prizes.
6:04 Ooh, a blasting cap.
6:11 It's your turn, Jimbo.
6:16 Someone's been practicing over the summer.
6:18 Welcome aboard.
6:19 Yes!
6:21 My lute!
6:23 Lisa Simpson trying for first chair saxophone.
6:34 Very nice.
6:36 Now, Allison Taylor also trying for first chair saxophone.
6:48 Oh, this is a very tough decision, girls.
6:51 You're both very good.
7:03 Well, I guess that clinches that.
7:32 Oh, that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.
7:35 I won first chair?
7:36 No, you regained consciousness.
7:38 Allison got first chair.
7:46 Oh, it's just a dream.
7:48 Oh, that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.
7:51 I won first chair?
7:53 No, you regained consciousness.
7:55 Allison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream.
8:05 I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger,
8:08 and a better sax player than me.
8:10 Ugh, I feel so average. Well, you'll always be number one to me.
8:15 Hello. Firstborn within earshot.
8:18 I am not my number one girl.
8:22 Oh, for Christ.
8:24 Honey, if you get too competitive, you'll never be happy.
8:28 No matter how good you are, there's always going to be someone better than you.
8:31 I always thought I had the tallest hair, but that trip to Graceland really opened my eyes.
8:36 But she's better than me at everything that makes me special.
8:39 Believe me, honey, she's more scared of you than you are of her.
8:43 You're thinking of bears, Mom.
8:47 Sugar man!
8:51 Door-to-door sugar.
8:52 What a marvelous idea.
8:55 What's that, Mother?
8:57 I'm just talking to the sugar man.
8:59 Mother, I'm a big boy. I can do as I wish.
9:02 Excuse me.
9:05 Thanks a lot, Simpson. Now I'm grounded.
9:09 Hey, Allison, what's the answer to number nine?
9:11 I can't tell you, Ralph.
9:13 I can't tell you either, Ralph.
9:15 Leave me alone.
9:20 Geekazoid!
9:21 Leave me alone!
9:24 Ah, that used to be my face in the mud. I can't stand to see you so miserable, Lisa.
9:31 Unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress.
9:33 That gives me an idea.
9:35 Note for later. Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
9:48 Hey, I know. How about if I dig up some dirt on Allison?
9:51 Remember I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted?
9:55 Here he is, on the monkey bars. Tried to take him a lot.
9:59 No, no, not again!
10:04 I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my body.
10:07 Suit yourself. You change your mind?
10:09 Here's my card. I don't need a card. You live in the room next to me.
10:13 Note.
10:13 Next year, order fewer cards. And you didn't think I'd make any money.
10:18 I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
10:21 While you were out earning that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work.
10:26 The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
10:29 Woo-hoo!
10:30 Four-day weekend!
10:34 Hmm.
10:37 Hey, I am above average, so what if Allison's ahead of me?
10:41 There's no shame in being second.
10:44 And now, Avis Renicar is proud to present the second best band in America.
10:50 Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oaks,
10:53 and Lisa singing their number two hit, Born to Runner Up.
11:04 Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?
11:06 Lise, I did some checking on this Allison character,
11:08 and I know it's against all your moral fibers.
11:11 Give it to me.
11:13 Hey, Wayne, there's nothing bad here.
11:15 Yep, she's clean as a bean.
11:17 But I did tip off the feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend, Milhouse.
11:24 I'm telling you, I didn't do anything.
11:26 I don't care.
11:35 My glass!
11:39 Oh, I've got to stop being so petty.
11:42 I should be Allison's friend, not her competitor.
11:45 I mean, she is a wonderful person.
11:50 Way to go, Lisa.
11:52 I mean, why compete with someone who's just gonna kick your butt anyway?
11:55 I prefer my phrasing.
12:00 It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends.
12:03 You're a wonderful person.
12:05 Hi, Lisa. I'm Allison's father, Professor Taylor.
12:08 I've heard great things about you.
12:10 Oh, really?
12:11 Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram games.
12:15 We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
12:19 Like, oh, I don't know, Alec Guinness.
12:24 Genuine class.
12:25 Oh, very good.
12:27 All right, Lisa, um... Jeremy Irons.
12:35 Jeremy's... Iron.
12:37 Mm-hmm.
12:38 Well, that's very good for a first try.
12:42 You know what?
12:44 I have a ball.
12:45 Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.
12:55 What's this? Oh, it's for the school diorama competition.
12:59 You're finished already, but the competition isn't for weeks.
13:02 Lisa, we're talking dioramas. Who could wait?
13:05 I chose the Telltale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe.
13:07 See, this is the bedroom where the old man was murdered.
13:11 And he's buried here under the floorboards.
13:14 Oh, and look,
13:15 I used an old metronome to simulate the heartbeat that drove the killer insane.
13:22 It's neat, huh?
13:25 It's great. It's really great.
13:33 Oh, got away from you, huh?
13:36 Well, you keep at it.
13:48 Must protect sugar.
13:52 Thieves everywhere.
13:53 The strong must protect the sweet. the sweet.
14:00 Homer?
14:01 In America, first you get the sugar,
14:06 then you get the power, then you get the women.
14:12 Homer!
14:14 What?
14:15 I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar.
14:18 You're being completely paranoid.
14:20 Oh, am I? Am I really?
14:23 Aha!
14:24 Hello.
14:25 All right, pal.
14:26 Where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
14:28 I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second.
14:32 And I'd do it again.
14:34 Goodbye.
14:35 You see, Marge? Do you see?
14:37 Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
14:40 Never!
14:41 Never, Marge!
14:42 I can't live the button-down life like you.
14:45 I want it all.
14:46 The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles.
14:50 Sure,
14:51 I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors.
14:57 Oh,
14:57 I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers who cluck their tongues,
15:03 stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this homie Simpson.
15:07 Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?
15:11 No!
15:18 Hey!
15:19 Get off my sugar!
15:20 Bad bees!
15:21 Bad!
15:22 Ow!
15:24 Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
15:28 Look, Bart, it almost killed me,
15:31 but I handcrafted all 75 characters from Oliver Twist.
15:35 And now, the coup de grace.
15:37 A bitter snowstorm.
15:44 Uh-oh.
15:46 Is it okay?
15:48 Well, the important thing is that we survived.
15:53 Ah!
15:54 Who am I kidding?
15:55 There's no way I'm ever gonna beat Alison.
15:58 Well, sure there is.
15:59 But it involves being a bit underhanded, a bit devious,
16:05 a bit, as the French say, bartesque. I'll do whatever it takes.
16:10 Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul.
16:16 Now, here's what we do.
16:18 Tomorrow morning when Allison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose,
16:23 soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry.
16:27 Relatively?
16:27 Well, there's bound to be some splashback.
16:29 Bart, her being wet won't help me win the competition.
16:33 Well, we could just sabotage her diorama,
16:36 humiliating her in front of the students and faculty.
16:38 Perfect!
16:39 Leaving her prime for the most traumatic hose soaking of her life.
16:43 Enough with the hose!
16:47 Oh, sure it's quiet in here today.
16:50 Yes, a little too quiet, if you know what I mean.
16:53 Hmm, I'm afraid I don't. You see, bees usually make a lot of noise.
16:58 No noise!
17:00 Suggests no bees.
17:01 Oh, I understand now.
17:03 Oh, look, there goes one.
17:05 To the bee-mobile!
17:06 You mean your Chevy?
17:08 Yes.
17:10 Well, very clever, Simpson.
17:11 Luring our bees to your sugar pile and then selling them back to us at an inflated price.
17:16 Bees are on to what now?
17:17 Simpson, you diabolical.
17:20 We're willing to pay you $2,000 for the swarm.
17:23 Deal!
17:27 Oh, wait a minute.
17:28 The bees are leaving.
17:31 No!
17:32 My sugar is melting!
17:35 Melting!
17:36 Oh, what a world!
17:39 Oh, sugar.
17:43 I'm sorry, homie.
17:45 It's okay, Marge.
17:46 I've learned my lesson.
17:48 A mountain of sugar is too much for one man.
17:51 It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets and why he lives on a
17:57 plantation in Hawaii.
18:00 Ah, diorama-rama, my favorite school event.
18:03 Next to Hearing Test Thursday.
18:05 The Grapes of Wrath? I don't get it. Here's the grapes, and here's the wrath.
18:14 Yes, yes, very good wrath.
18:16 Let's see, our foreign exchange student, Uter,
18:19 has chosen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
18:23 But this is just an empty box.
18:26 I begged you to look at mine first.
18:29 I begged you.
18:31 Lisa, here is, as the French say, le fake diorama.
18:35 I'll create a diversion and you make the switch.
18:39 Hey, everybody!
18:41 Whoa, look at me! I'm over here!
18:43 Turn this way right now!
18:45 Hey, it's Bart!
18:47 And he's doing stuff!
18:54 Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!
19:01 Okay, our next entry is the telltale heart from Allison Taylor.
19:06 I can't wait to see this. Be ready with the ribbon.
19:11 What is it? It's the gal's heart.
19:15 They're trying to make a monkey out of you.
19:19 Allison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke?
19:23 I didn't do that.
19:25 I made a different one. Oh, is that so, young lady?
19:28 Well, where is this phantom diorama?
19:31 I don't know.
19:39 At least have the guts to take the blame, girl.
19:42 You're only compounding your folly by lying about it.
19:44 Right on. Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom.
19:49 Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business.
19:53 Elementary school is where I wound up and it's too late to do anything about that
19:59 Frankly I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead
20:15 It's the beating of that hideous heart!
20:20 I mean, I think I hear something
20:24 Why, here's Allison's real diorama.
20:27 It got misplaced. Or so it would seem.
20:30 Oh, well, that changes everything.
20:32 Let's have a look. Get the ribbon ready.
20:35 A little sterile.
20:38 No real insight.
20:40 What do you think, Miss Hoover?
20:44 This has been a very disappointing day.
20:47 All right, on to Lisa Simpson.
20:49 You're not shooing now, Lisa.
20:50 After the way I've behaved, I don't deserve to win.
20:53 Well, this doesn't deserve to win. What?
20:56 No, no, we're into the dregs. There's Ralph Wiggum's entry.
21:00 Pre-packaged Star Wars characters still in their display box?
21:03 Are those the limited edition action figures?
21:05 What's a diorama?
21:07 Why, it's Luke. And Obi-Wan.
21:09 And my favorite, Chewie. They're all here!
21:12 What do you think? I think it's lunchtime.
21:14 We have a winner!
21:21 I'm really sorry about what I did, Allison.
21:24 It's no shame being second to you.
21:27 Thank you, Lisa.
21:29 You know, I'm actually kind of glad I lost.
21:31 Now I know losing isn't the end of the world.
21:34 Hey, you still think we can be friends?
21:37 Only if we're the best.
21:39 I beat the smart kids. I beat the smart kids.
21:43 I bent my walkies.
21:45 Hey, Ralph, want to come with me and Allison to play anagrams?
21:48 We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
21:53 My cat's breath smells like cat food.
22:50 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Hans Moleman, Adrian Belew, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Sophie Jensen, Dewey Largo, Chuck Berger, Yellow Weasel, Wanda, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Coward, Allison Taylor, Üter Zörker, Afro Girl, Sara, Darth Vader, Nell Nicholson, Brown-haired girl, Chewbacca, Professor Taylor, Art Garfunkel, Girl with ponytail, Jim Messina, John Oates, Luke Skywalker, Marge's Dream Lover

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character