Itchy & Scratchy Land

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 4. First aired October 2, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Itchy & Scratchy Land”: “I've got an ace up my sleeve.” — I've got an ace up my sleeve.

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About the episode

Bart and Lisa talk their parents out of a bird sanctuary trip and into a vacation at the Itchy & Scratchy theme park, promising not to embarrass Marge. Bart and Homer soon land in park custody for attacking costumed staff, and then the animatronic Itchy and Scratchy robots turn on the guests, as Professor Frink predicted. Stranded, the family finds that camera flashes short out the machines and fights back.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Wes Archer
Production code: 2F01

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

290 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
1:13 Thanks, kids.
1:14 Now I'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment.
1:17 Yep.
1:17 This week is the grand opening of Itchy and Scratchy Land, the violentest place on Earth.
1:23 And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket prices in half.
1:33 Kids, you heard the cartoon, Rad.
1:35 If you haven't already run to your parents begging to go, do it now.
1:38 You won't be missing anything funny.
1:40 I'll just be sitting here reading this grown-up's newspaper.
1:45 Go now!
1:48 Dad,
1:48 remember how you said that going to Itchy and Scratchy land would be too damn expensive?
1:52 Oh, everything's too damn expensive these days.
1:55 Look at this Bible I just got.
1:57 Fifteen bucks.
1:58 And talk about a preachy book.
2:01 Everybody's a sinner. Except for this guy.
2:04 But now Itchy and Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in half.
2:07 Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? Take it, Elise.
2:10 Can we? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ask your mother.
2:13 Yay!
2:16 Mom, guess what? We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land.
2:19 No.
2:20 I've already planned our vacation.
2:22 We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary.
2:26 I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
2:30 It's shaped like a diner. and it's on this really tall pole.
2:40 Mom!
2:41 Dad!
2:41 Bart's dead!
2:44 That's right. Dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land.
2:48 You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't just for kids.
2:52 They have a place called Parents Island.
2:55 Yeah, dancing, bowling, fashionable shops, over 100 bars and saloons,
3:00 and a world-class chemical dependency center.
3:03 TV town! Hammock land!
3:05 Ooh, recipe-related bumper cars.
3:11 Yay!
3:13 Wait a minute. I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation,
3:17 I end up being horribly embarrassed.
3:19 We end up in a big fight, and we come home more miserable than when we left.
3:23 You have to promise me that this isn't going to happen this time.
3:26 Embarrassed? What are you talking about?
3:28 Well, there was our trip to the Amish country.
3:31 Oh, yes.
3:34 Hey, look, Marge. They're still not fighting back.
3:38 I can be a jerk and no one can stop me.
3:43 Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach.
3:52 Suckers.
3:55 Jerk boy!
3:58 This year I want us to do things together as a family and get a lot of good exercise
4:03 outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.
4:07 Don't worry, Mom.
4:08 We'll make you proud of us. Lobster hat, fishnet Speedo Jr.,
4:13 wheelie shoes, invisible dog leash.
4:17 Well, I'm packed. And remember,
4:19 every morning give one bowl of kibble to Santa's little helper.
4:23 Do you want me to write any of this down?
4:24 No, I ain't senile dad blasted. Okay, bye-bye.
4:29 Bye. Bye, Grandpa.
4:30 Wait a minute. What was that last thing you said?
4:33 Grandpa's little helper?
4:35 What's that?
4:37 Which one of you is the mailman?
4:42 Okay, let's make a pact.
4:44 This is going to be the best vacation ever,
4:46 or we'll all agree to disband and join another family.
4:49 Agreed.
4:50 Ah, the interstate.
4:53 Fasten your seatbelts, kids. We're on our way to itchy and scratchy land!
4:58 No!
4:59 Don't worry.
5:01 I've got an ace up my sleeve.
5:19 Dad, can we stop at Flicky's? No.
5:28 Oh, my God. What'll I do? What'll I do? What's the matter with you, Homer?
5:32 We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car.
5:35 The whole truck's full of a march.
5:40 Got any fruits or vegetables?
5:46 Hey, Mr. Wembley, it happened again.
5:49 Now to absorb some local color through the magic of AM radio.
5:54 The book of Revelations tells us to watch for the seven signs of evil.
5:59 Wait.
6:00 Sign of evil number four.
6:02 We're continuing our sign of evil countdown.
6:05 Here's Vanessa Williams.
6:09 Aw, haven't we stood in five different states long enough?
6:14 No.
6:24 We better find a motel and stop for the night.
6:27 We don't need to do that much. I'm not tired.
6:30 I'm not tired at all.
6:36 Whew.
6:37 Glad that wasn't us.
6:40 North.
6:41 South.
6:42 Nuts to this. I'm going to take a shortcut.
6:45 Oh, no, you're going to get lost. Trust me, Marge, with today's modern cars,
6:50 you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such.
7:04 All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.
7:08 Now, remember, we're in the itchy lot.
7:16 We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land,
7:19 the amusement park of the future where nothing can possibly go wrong.
7:25 Possibly go wrong.
7:27 That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
7:47 One adult and four children. Would you like to buy some itchy and scratchy money?
7:51 What's that? Well, it's money that's made just for the park.
7:54 It works just like regular money, but it's fun.
7:57 Do it, Dad.
7:57 Well, okay, if it's fun.
8:00 Let's see.
8:01 I'll take $1,100 worth.
8:13 Oh, cool!
8:15 That is neat! Such a violent motif.
8:19 Yeah, but it's just pretend violence, which is actually beneficial for children.
8:23 Ow!
8:27 There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land,
8:31 we're just as concerned about violence as you are.
8:33 That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may
8:38 educate as well as horrify. When do you show the consequences?
8:42 On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe.
8:46 But in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.
8:48 Just like in real life.
8:50 Hey, look over there.
8:51 Yoink!
8:56 I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.
8:58 Bart?
8:59 Eyeball stew. Homer,
9:00 we just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
9:04 I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom.
9:06 They have violent names for everything here.
9:09 Oh, I see.
9:11 All right. Mmm, I'll have the baby guts.
9:15 Pfft, lady, you disgust me.
9:18 Mom, that's feel.
9:22 You sure she'll have fun here? Oh, of course.
9:25 Babies love the ballroom.
9:38 Torture land.
9:40 Explosion land.
9:42 Searing gas pain land.
9:45 Unnecessary surgery land.
9:48 Oh, look! It's the 12 noon robot parade.
9:52 Hurry up or we'll have to wait for the 1205 parade.
10:15 Wow, this is so much like my dreams, it's scary.
10:23 Aw, look at that cute little baby axe.
10:28 It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.
10:33 Dirty, maybe.
10:34 Dangerous, hardly.
10:36 These are the latest state-of-the-art animatronic robots.
10:38 They have sensors that ensure they only attack each other, never the guests.
10:58 See all that stuff in there, Homer?
11:00 That's why your robot never worked.
11:11 This is just what I was hoping for. Spending the day together as a family.
11:32 Yay!
11:34 You know,
11:35 part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals.
11:41 Parents Island? Uh-huh.
11:42 I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner.
11:46 Are you kids going to be all right?
11:48 Kids?
11:57 It is the 70s, right down to the smallest detail.
12:01 Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
12:04 Yeah, looks like.
12:07 Look at all this great stuff, Elise.
12:10 Cool, personalized plates.
12:12 Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort.
12:16 Oh, come on. Bort?
12:18 Mommy, mommy, buy me a license plate. No, come along, Bort.
12:22 Are you talking to me?
12:23 No, my son is also named Bort.
12:25 Who are all these characters?
12:27 Well, you're probably too young to remember the short-lived, itching,
12:29 scratching friends hour.
12:31 They had to come up with some friends. There's disgruntled goat, uncle aunt,
12:35 klu klux clam.
12:37 Oh, yeah.
12:38 They weren't very funny.
12:39 I don't know. Disgruntled goat had his moments.
12:46 Ha!
12:58 Welcome to TTI McScratches, where it's constantly New Year's Eve!
13:03 Here we go again!
13:05 Three, two, one!
13:09 Happy New Year!
13:17 It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.
13:22 Please kill me.
13:41 The babies look unhappy.
13:43 Add more balls.
13:48 Roger Myers Sr., the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy,
13:53 loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world.
13:57 And he, in return, was beloved by the world.
14:00 Except in 1938, when he was criticized for his controversial cartoon,
14:05 Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors.
14:07 Among his proudest achievements was the full-length musical Scratch-tasia.
15:07 You got me a picture of this crazy critter!
15:10 Uh, no flash photography, please.
15:19 Roger Meyer's next full-length feature was the wildly successful Pinichio.
15:24 Now you be good, Pinichio, and don't you lie.
15:29 I promise I will never hurt you.
15:32 Ouch!
15:33 I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us.
15:41 Wanna get a smoke on? Okay.
15:49 So, Mr. Richie, you think you're God's gift to women, do ya?
15:53 Don't do it, Bart.
16:03 I just wanted to entertain!
16:06 Can you believe I keep getting away with this?
16:10 Uh, officer?
16:18 Mop and bucket man to the exit of the nauseator.
16:21 We have another jumper in the roof of T.G.I.
16:23 McScratchy's. We need more Bort license plates in the gift shop.
16:27 I repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.
16:33 I really wished they wouldn't scream.
16:38 Dad?
16:39 I kicked one of those stupid, itchy characters in the butt.
16:42 Yeah, there's just no way to resist it, is there?
16:46 I want all five t-shirts to say best vacation ever.
16:51 Attention, Marge Simpson.
16:52 Your son has been arrested.
16:55 I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.
16:59 Attention, Marge Simpson.
17:01 We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
17:09 I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
17:13 Okay, throw in the hole. Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech.
17:20 You've got to listen to me.
17:22 Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their
17:26 masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth
17:31 and the hurting and shoving. How much time do we have, Professor?
17:35 Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.
17:45 Oh, I forgot to, uh, carry the wad.
17:47 I have nothing to say to you. But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
17:51 How are you a political prisoner? I kicked a giant mouse in the butt.
17:55 Do I have to draw you a diagram?
17:58 Oh, for gosh sakes, what now?
18:10 Hey look, this one's coming on to me.
18:14 Yoo-hoo, Mr.
18:16 Robot!
18:24 Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend.
18:27 Lisa, don't contradict your elders!
18:31 My hair!
18:32 You chopped off my hair!
18:34 Oh, God, I'm ugly!
18:36 I know we should have gone to the bird sanctuary.
18:43 I need the biggest sea bell you have.
18:48 No, that's too big.
18:52 A chopper! We're saved!
18:54 Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering.
18:57 When you get to hell, tell him it she sent you.
19:04 Oh, my.
19:05 It looks like we're doomed.
19:08 Back, you robot.
19:09 Nobody ruins my family vacation but me and maybe the boy.
19:33 Dad, the Flash must have scrambled their circuits.
19:36 What are you, the narrator?
19:38 Ah! Just keep taking pictures!
19:41 I'll get more cameras!
19:46 Smashy, smashy.
19:48 I don't approve of that.
19:57 Then I'll say cheese.
20:01 With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.
20:14 Die, mad robots!
20:16 Die!
20:18 With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be...
20:19 Who would have thought that our visit to Jean Scratchy Lane would turn out to be our best
20:23 vacation ever? Yeah, best ever! Are you two bonkers?
20:28 We almost got killed. Not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
20:32 But, Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation.
20:34 It brought us together as a family. We got a lot of good exercise outdoors.
20:39 And we have so many memories.
20:41 You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever.
20:45 Now let us never speak of it again.
20:47 As Roger Myers Jr., the owner of the park,
20:50 I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots And to show my appreciation,
20:55 here are two free passes.
20:56 But there are five of us. Here are two free passes.
20:59 That's better.
21:00 Man, this is happening here.
21:02 I hate to think what's happening in Euro-Itchy and Scratchy Land.
21:09 Hello?
21:11 Itchy and Scratchy Land open for business.
21:14 Who are you to resist it, huh?
21:17 Come on, my last paycheck bounced.
21:20 My children need wine.
21:22 I'm not your gun.
21:24 I'm your gun. I'm your cushion.
21:29 I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny,
21:34 but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you.
21:37 But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.
21:40 No, Mom, he's right.
21:43 Observe.
21:44 Ow.
21:48 Oh, my. Lisa, go to your room.
22:42 Shh!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Santa's Little Helper, Snowball II, Hans Moleman, Professor Frink, Sophie Jensen, Itchy, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Scratchy, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Cletus Spuckler, Roger Meyers Jr., Disgruntled Goat, Roger Meyers Sr., Bort, Bort, Bort's Mother, Itchy & Scratchy Land Employee, Itchy & Scratchy robots, Ku Klux Klam, Maw Spuckler, Uncle Ant

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character