Sideshow Bob Roberts

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 5. First aired October 9, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Sideshow Bob Roberts”: “Ha!” — Ha!

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About the episode

Talk radio host Birch Barlow wins Sideshow Bob an early release from prison, and Bob runs for mayor of Springfield against Mayor Quimby. Despite Bart and Lisa's campaigning, Bob takes office and orders the Simpsons' house razed for the new Matlock Expressway. A tip from Waylon Smithers leads the kids to proof that Bob rigged the vote with dead citizens and pets, and they goad him into confessing in court.

Written by: Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz; Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob; Henry Corden as Fred Flintstone; Larry King; Dr. Demento
Couch gag: Eyeless Family couch gag (original airing only)
Production code: 2F02

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

308 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:27 The Simpsons Ugh,
0:31 that Barlow's a right-wing crackpot. He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity.
0:35 Can you believe that? Yeah, switch the station.
0:37 I consider myself politically correct, and his views make me uncomfortable.
0:42 No, no, no, no, guys.
0:44 Now, I'm not very political.
0:45 I usually think people who vote are a bit fruity.
0:48 But for some reason, this Burt's Barlow really speaks to me.
0:53 Mmm.
0:56 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Good morning, fellow freedom likers.
1:00 Birch Barlow, the fourth branch of government, the 51st state.
1:03 You know, there are three things we're never going to get rid of here in Springfield.
1:07 One, the bats in the public library.
1:10 Two, Mrs.
1:11 McFeely's compost heap.
1:16 And three, our sixth-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping,
1:21 pot-spoking, spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
1:26 Hey, I am no longer illiterate. Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask?
1:32 Oh, reasonable listener.
1:33 Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree-huggers who would
1:38 rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless.
1:42 This sounds awfully controversial.
1:45 Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.
1:48 I don't like him either, Mom,
1:49 but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project.
1:52 You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects.
1:56 Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, uh, fireworks.
2:03 Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.
2:07 Now is a special send-off and a way to say to our visiting Chinese
2:13 principals.
2:14 Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display.
2:23 What a week. He promised a big firework display.
2:26 Bad student.
2:27 Uh-uh.
2:28 Bad principal.
2:29 Ah.
2:31 So, my friends,
2:32 let's just junk those Democrats and their bleeding heart smell fair program.
2:37 Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning.
2:39 Can we listen to something else? When I'm driving the car,
2:42 I get to choose the radio station.
2:44 When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station.
2:53 I can't take this anymore. Let's switch back.
2:56 All right, my friends, let's go to the phones.
2:58 First up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir.
3:00 Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller.
3:04 Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican Party.
3:08 It's high time people realize we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie
3:13 Bible Thumps or even, God forbid, George Bushes.
3:16 That sounds like Sideshow Bob. Yes, ma'am.
3:20 Sideshow Bob. I'm jacking it up on the old jackpot.
3:24 Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is.
3:29 Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick.
3:32 But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail.
3:37 When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her.
3:40 Oh, Sideshow Bob.
3:43 Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio.
3:45 It's time for more Dementia with Dr.
3:50 Demento.
3:52 And now the funny five.
3:55 I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.
4:00 Sideshow Bob?
4:02 I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies.
4:06 And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.
4:13 That's it for us! Give us something we like.
4:17 We'll ride you out of town on a rail. Well, what do you people like?
4:21 Sleep.
4:22 Sexy dames and plenty of them.
4:24 Matlock!
4:28 Well, I suppose I could name it the Matlock Expressway.
4:36 But it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spiky
4:42 -haired little simpleton.
4:45 Myopic or to say the least, intransigent.
4:48 Now, you mentioned some woes there. Well, you see, Birch,
4:52 I'm presently incarcerated.
4:57 Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit.
5:00 Ha!
5:01 Attempted murder.
5:02 Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry, do they?
5:08 Oh, really? Now, this is a personal call.
5:11 My friends, isn't this just typical?
5:13 another intelligent conservative here railroaded by our liberal justice system just
5:19 like Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacy Coon,
5:23 and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel.
5:27 Well, I've had it.
5:28 I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.
5:34 No!
5:36 Well, despite Bart's objections,
5:39 the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.
5:42 My friends, Bob is a political prisoner.
5:46 I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail.
5:52 All right, you heard the man.
5:54 One grenade each.
5:57 Oh, I think he meant through nonviolent grassroots political action.
6:02 Ah, jeez, really you think so?
6:04 All right, give him back. Come on, everybody, give him back.
6:08 Hey, hey, who pulled the pin on this one?
6:13 Very well.
6:14 If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow.
6:21 By special order of the mayor of Springfield,
6:24 you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon.
6:28 Congratulations, Robert Underdonk Terwilliger.
6:36 Boats on the other side. Yes, thank you.
7:01 Hail, brothers.
7:07 Now then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us.
7:12 And if we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby,
7:14 we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy.
7:17 A true leader who will do exactly as he's told.
7:20 Marty, I'm way ahead of you.
7:22 If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.
7:33 What did it say? No, no, no.
7:35 Bob. Bob, come in.
7:38 A fine mahawk to you all. Well, he's even better.
7:43 I agree.
7:44 I like the human touch.
7:47 Now, students,
7:48 I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully choreographed media event.
7:52 Now, this means there is to be no wising off, no face-making, and no grass-eating.
7:57 This means you, Ralph.
7:58 Yes, sir.
7:59 Hello, children.
8:00 Hello, Bart.
8:02 Eep.
8:03 Young friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby, is confused about your school system.
8:07 Do you know what he does? He flip-flops.
8:14 Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.
8:21 He wants to sell your future short.
8:30 Hmm.
8:31 Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight.
8:33 We're going to have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.
8:36 I can do that.
8:38 Ah!
8:39 Help! I'm being attacked by, uh, things.
8:44 Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have.
8:49 More important than coal?
8:51 Uh, uh, yes.
8:57 Oh, that was a big mistake, Bart.
9:01 No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
9:17 Stay at a river, damn.
9:19 Without a Mayor Quimby Our town would really stink We wouldn't have a tire yard
9:25 Or a mid-sized roller rake We wouldn't have our gallows Or a shiny bigfoot trap It's
9:31 not the Mayor's fault That the stadium collapsed
9:35 Quimby, if you were running for mayor He'd vote for you,
9:38 paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor, Mayoral Committee Hey Four Eyes,
9:41 vote Quimby Hey Beardo,
9:43 vote Quimby This time he's the lesser of two evils Uh, yeah, yeah, I love Grimby.
9:49 Could I have some more bumper stickers, please, dude?
9:57 All right!
9:59 The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
10:03 Oh!
10:04 What's happening?
10:07 That Grimby fella promised to build us a mad luck
10:11 expressway!
10:13 How you gonna top that, smart guy? Hmm, well how's this?
10:18 I'll not only build the expressway I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patiently
10:23 listening to your interminable anecdotes Hot ziggity jam, made byers!
10:29 Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield
10:35 Weren't much on the air then Just Edison reciting the alphabet
10:40 over and over Hey!
10:44 He'd say then B C would usually
10:50 follow
10:52 Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons Mayor Quimby
10:57 even released Sideshow Bob a man twice convicted of attempted murder
11:03 can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor
11:10 The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates I'm your
11:16 moderator, Larry King. Now a word to our audience.
11:19 Even though we're being broadcast on Fox,
11:21 there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
11:34 I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.
11:42 I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there Don't worry,
11:46 he's taking a million of these capsules
11:52 Besides,
11:55 oh Bob
11:56 Councilman Les Wynan Says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor Sir,
12:02 what do you have to say about that?
12:03 I'd say that Les Wynan Whining ought to do more thinking and less whining.
12:12 There's no counseling less whining.
12:14 Good line, though. Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir,
12:18 for your lenient stance on crime.
12:21 But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs,
12:25 your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths,
12:28 you try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob.
12:32 What is your question?
12:33 My question's about the budget, sir.
12:48 Hmm... I don't agree with his Bart killing policy.
12:52 But I do approve of his Selma killing policy.
12:56 Well, he framed me for armed robbery.
12:59 But man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut.
13:07 And the results are in for Sideshow Bob 100%, for Joe Quimby 1%.
13:13 And we remind you, there is a 1% margin of error.
13:16 All right,
13:22 let's go live to Bob headquarters now for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.
13:39 And just look how happy he is.
13:55 It's the rapture!
13:57 Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!
14:03 So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway.
14:10 Now I am a fair man.
14:12 You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time,
14:15 we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
14:18 Homer, we've got to stop them. I know what you're up to, Mayor Twiggager.
14:23 And no one in my family is going to stand for it.
14:28 Move your goddurn house, son!
14:34 Bart, by special request to the mayor's office,
14:36 you are going to be left back Oh, you mean I have to repeat the fourth grade?
14:42 Well, yes, but not for four or five years Bart, you're going to kindergarten Kindergarten?
14:49 Now, boys and girls, who knows what this is?
14:52 Triangle Very good,
14:54 Bart You have first choice of toys for free play Cool I call the Flintstone phone
15:02 Yippa-dabba-doo! I like talking to you!
15:09 We're gonna lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls I don't
15:13 think Bob won that election legally I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many
15:18 votes and another convicted felon would get so few
15:25 Here you go
15:26 The results of last month's mayor election All 48,000 voters and who each one of them
15:31 voted for. I thought this was a secret ballot.
15:33 Meh.
15:40 Okay.
15:41 Aaron A. Aronson voted for... Bob.
15:46 Aaron L. Aronson voted for...
15:48 Bob.
15:50 Arthur B. Ablobab voted for... Bob.
16:09 So whoever it is who wrote that note wants to meet us here tonight?
16:13 This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.
16:17 Except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics.
16:21 Stuck up, ripperdale punks. Think they're too good for me?
16:26 You're on the right track Follow the names How the hell do you know?
16:33 I can't tell you who I am But I worked on the campaign
16:40 Hey, Mr. Smithers
16:42 Well, you might as well give me a ride home now Never gone behind Mr.
16:48 Burns' back before But sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views conflict with my choice of
16:53 lifestyle.
16:56 All I can do is give you one name, Edgar Neubauer.
16:59 Find him, and you'll find your answer.
17:07 Oh, no Edgar Neubauer.
17:19 This is hopeless. They're gonna demolish our house for sure.
17:22 We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6.
17:24 But Dad can't afford $6 a night.
17:28 Hey.
17:29 Lees! Lees, come here! I found him!
17:32 I found Edgar Neubauer!
17:35 Oh, my God.
17:37 The dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
17:40 No, Bart, don't you see? Dead people can't vote.
17:44 Look! Prudence Goodwife died 1641.
17:48 She voted for Bob, too. So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper.
17:54 Even the Pet Sematary voted for Bob.
17:57 Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas, Humphrey Beauregard.
18:01 Oh, my poor dead kitty.
18:04 Please, not you, too.
18:07 All right, Bob.
18:08 Now it's personal.
18:11 Hey, um, he did try to kill me.
18:42 Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
18:46 No, I did not.
18:48 Kids help.
18:52 Oh, I don't mind.
18:53 We want these children to feel justice has been served.
18:57 That way they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard,
19:01 feculent motel pillows.
19:03 Well, Bart, Lisa, here I am.
19:08 I have a plan.
19:09 I think we can trap him.
19:16 You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent.
19:19 Indeed I am. Because we all know you're a naive pawn, puppet, if you will,
19:25 of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known.
19:29 Virchibald T.
19:31 Barlow!
19:34 Wait, wait, whoa!
19:37 You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you?
19:40 You are just Barlow's lackey. You are Ronnie to his Nancy.
19:44 Sonny to his Cher. Bingo to his rest of the Beatles.
19:47 Enough!
19:48 Lies, lies, lies. I did it! I did it all!
19:54 There.
19:55 Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?
19:59 We want the truth!
20:00 You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
20:03 No truth handler, you!
20:06 Bah!
20:06 I deride your truth-handling abilities!
20:10 Will you get to the point? Yes!
20:12 Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud.
20:17 And I have the records to prove it! Here, just look at these.
20:21 Each one a work of Machiavellian art.
20:26 Hmm.
20:27 But why?
20:29 Because you need me, Springfield.
20:32 Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic,
20:36 but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes,
20:40 brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.
20:43 That's why I did this. To protect you from yourselves.
20:47 Now, if you don't mind, I have a city to run.
20:50 Bailiff's placed the mayor under arrest.
20:52 What?
20:53 Oh, yes. All that stuff I did.
20:58 Bart, we did it. Now we get to keep our house and you get to go back to the fourth grade.
21:02 Oh, tomorrow we were going to find out who the dish ran away with.
21:05 The spoon, Bart.
21:07 Of course.
21:14 Someday I'll have my vengeance.
21:16 Someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool...
21:23 Say, to Williger's a yelly.
21:25 Bob, come along.
21:26 We need a knife to row against the Princeton alarms.
21:30 Princeton?
21:34 Stroke!
21:47 Thank you.
22:28 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Luann Van Houten, Sam, Adrian Belew, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Snake, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Superintendent Chalmers, Lionel Hutz, Old Jewish Man, Rainier Wolfcastle, Yellow Weasel, Smug Girl, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Roy Snyder, Sideshow Bob, The Rich Texan, Snowball I, Birch Barlow, Fred Flintstone, Larry King, Archie, Bob Security Guard 1, Bob Security Guard 2, Bob's Groomer, Buddy Holly, Chinese Principal 1, Chinese Principal 2, Chinese Principal 3, Crane Operator, Dr. Demento, Edgar Neubauer, Goblin, Hall of Records Agent, Humphrey Boa-Gart, Jughead, Kindergarten Teacher, Larry King, Library Customer, Moose, Mr. Bananas, Mrs. Bananas, Mrs. McFearly, Prudence Goodwyfe, Reggie, Ritchie Valens, Springfield Republican Party, The Big Bopper

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character