Treehouse of Horror V

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 6. First aired October 30, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Sideshow Bob Roberts Bart's Girlfriend → The whole episode as text

From “Treehouse of Horror V”: “Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.” — Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.

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About the episode

In three Halloween stories, a snowbound winter at Mr. Burns' mountain lodge with no TV or beer drives caretaker Homer to hunt his family with an axe, and a broken toaster becomes a time machine that changes the present every time Homer disturbs the prehistoric past. At school, Principal Skinner handles crowded detention by serving the students as lunch, until Bart wakes from the nightmare.

Written by: Bob Kushell; Greg Daniels and Dan McGrath; David X. Cohen
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Couch gag: Dismembered Family
Production code: 2F03

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

335 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 Hello once again.
0:04 As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary,
0:09 and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed and...
0:14 Oh my.
0:16 It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it.
0:20 Instead, they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, 200 Miles to Oregon.
0:31 There's nothing wrong with your television set.
0:34 Do not attempt to adjust your picture.
0:37 We are controlling the transmission.
0:39 What's that, boy? We're in control?
0:41 Hey, look! I can see my voice!
0:44 Hehehehe!
0:45 Brrrr!
0:46 Eee!
0:47 Blup, blup, blup, blup, blup!
0:49 This is my voice on TV!
0:55 Dad, you're ruining the mood! Sorry. For the next half hour,
0:59 we will control what you see and hear.
1:01 You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of The Simpsons
1:07 Halloween Special.
2:01 Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
2:05 Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
2:08 Don't!
2:11 Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.
2:15 When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
2:18 Don't! Don't!
2:23 Oh, no!
2:24 We left Grandpa back at the gas station.
2:28 What about Grandpa?
2:35 Hello!
2:37 Oh, goody, the Seamuckies, I ordered have arrived.
2:40 Look at them, cavort and keeper.
2:43 Sir, they're the new winter caretakers for the lodge.
2:46 Yes, they work hard and they play hard.
2:49 This house has quite a long and colorful history.
2:53 It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the setting of satanic rituals,
2:58 witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
3:03 Oh, John Denver.
3:11 Hmm, that's odd.
3:12 Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.
3:21 Hey, I found a shortcut through hedge maze.
3:24 Go away, you little!
3:25 No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's gonna go crazy and jump them all into haggis.
3:31 What's haggis?
3:32 Boy, you read my thoughts.
3:35 You've got the shinning. You mean shining.
3:38 Shh! You wanna get sued?
3:40 Now look, boy, if your dad goes gaga,
3:43 you just use that shin of yours to call me an El Camaronin.
3:49 But don't be reading my mind between four and five.
3:52 That's Willie's time.
3:57 Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply,
4:01 I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
4:04 Sir,
4:04 did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers
4:09 to go insane and murder their families?
4:11 Hmm, perhaps.
4:12 Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
4:23 Hmm, cable's out.
4:25 Think I'll have a beer.
4:27 Hmm, not a drop in the house.
4:29 What do you know? Homer, I'm impressed.
4:32 You're taking this quite well.
4:33 I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Homer!
4:36 Sorry, sorry.
4:37 Don't worry.
4:38 It's funny I can do to keep myself occupied.
4:41 Maybe I'll check out that axe collection.
4:43 See you later.
4:46 Mom, is Dad gonna kill us? We're just gonna have to wait and see.
4:54 So, what'll it be, Homer? Mo, give me a beer!
4:56 No, not unless you kill your family. Why did I kill my family?
5:00 Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
5:02 You don't look so happy. Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy.
5:05 La la la la la la, see?
5:07 Now, waste your family, I'll give you a beer.
5:10 Homer?
5:12 Homie?
5:13 Maybe what he's typed will be a window into his madness.
5:21 Feeling fine.
5:23 Wow, that's a relief.
5:37 This is less encouraging.
5:39 Hello!
5:42 What do you think, Marge?
5:44 All I need is a title.
5:47 I was thinking along the lines of No TV and No Beer Make Homer something
5:53 something.
5:53 Go crazy?
5:55 Don't mind if I do!
6:06 Stay away from me, Homer!
6:09 Give me the bat, Marge! Give me the bat!
6:11 Give me the bat! Come on.
6:13 Give me the butt.
6:16 Ha, ha, ha.
6:17 Garty, kid.
6:18 Yeah.
6:19 Ah!
6:25 You stay here till you're no longer insane.
6:27 Hmm.
6:28 Chili will be good tonight.
6:34 Homer? It's Moe.
6:36 Look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
6:40 Get murder now. Eating. I'm crying out loud.
6:43 Come on!
6:44 No!
6:51 Here's Jenny!
6:53 Don't!
6:56 David Lennerman!
6:58 Hi, David. I'm Grandpa.
7:00 Don't!
7:01 I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Marley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley.
7:04 I'll listen to Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
7:07 Ah!
7:11 Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson.
7:14 My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.
7:16 Oh, well, thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second.
7:20 No answer.
7:21 Don't worry, Mom. I can use my shinning to call Willie.
7:28 And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane.
7:31 Uh-oh.
7:32 The little fat boy and his family are in trouble.
7:35 I'm coming to rescue the lot of you.
7:38 All right, Loony, show me what you got.
7:42 Is that the best you can do?
7:45 Oh, my.
7:47 I hope that rug was Scotchgarden.
7:50 Must kill family.
7:55 Ah!
7:58 Oh, no.
8:09 Oh, no. Oh, no.
8:10 Oh. Bad luck.
8:11 Television!
8:13 Teacher!
8:14 Mother! Secret lover.
8:15 Urge to kill.
8:17 Fading.
8:21 Rising!
8:22 Fading.
8:25 Come on.
8:29 Come, family.
8:31 Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm,
8:36 glowing, warming glow.
8:41 Live from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards.
8:44 With your hosts, Tyne Daly and Hal Linden.
8:47 I'm our Chase Channel. Kent Frozen.
8:54 Burge to kill, rising.
9:02 You know, Marge, I'm at my share of troubles.
9:05 But sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free
9:10 country, it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.
9:15 Dad, your hand is jammed in the toaster!
9:21 Oh, Dad, get it off! Get it off!
9:24 Get that off of me!
9:30 Dad, it's in there again!
9:32 Ah, no!
9:34 Ah!
9:34 It's took her in!
9:36 Ah, no, no, no!
9:37 Ah!
9:39 This shouldn't be too hard to fix with the right tools.
9:49 There, better than no.
9:52 Now to take her for a test toast.
9:57 What the?
10:05 Look at that.
10:07 I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.
10:11 Correction, Homer.
10:12 You're the second.
10:13 That's right, Mr. Peabody. Quiet, you.
10:21 I've got back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.
10:28 Okay, don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
10:33 If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything,
10:37 because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't
10:43 imagine.
10:43 But as long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything,
10:47 I won't destroy the future.
10:51 Stupid bug you go squish now
10:54 But that was just one little insignificant mosquito that can't change the future right
10:59 right
11:08 I'm back
11:14 My loving family nothing's changed
11:22 Finally ho, Slaverinos!
11:25 Oakley-dookley!
11:26 Hey, what the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV?
11:31 Oh, I see by the big board we got a negative Nelly in Sector 2.
11:35 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze and prepare for re
11:39 -neducation.
11:40 Don't you remember, Dad?
11:42 Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.
11:44 Don't!
11:57 Okay, everybody, let's see some big smiles.
12:04 Just relax and let the hooks do their work.
12:07 What the hell are you smiling at?
12:10 Now, in case all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails.
12:15 A nice glass of warm milk, a little nap, and a total frontal lobotomy.
12:19 It's not so bad, Homer.
12:21 They go into your nose and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.
12:27 Look. Ooh, hello.
12:30 Hello there.
12:31 Who's that big man there? Who's that?
12:34 Join us, Father.
12:37 It's bliss.
12:41 No!
12:49 They're gaining on me!
12:51 Wait!
12:51 I have an idea!
12:52 These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape!
12:59 I gotta go back!
13:01 Fix future!
13:06 This time I'm not gonna touch a thing!
13:13 Mustn't crush! Mustn't kill! Made it!
13:17 Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish.
13:27 Hey, where is everybody?
13:33 Hey, there's a bug that looks like Dad.
13:35 Let's kill it! Okay.
13:57 This is gonna cost me.
14:04 Oh!
14:05 I mean, hey.
14:07 Good morning, Father dear.
14:08 Hope you're well.
14:10 Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
14:13 Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan.
14:18 Woo-hoo!
14:18 I hit the jackpot!
14:20 Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
14:24 Donut? What's a donut?
14:31 It's raining again.
14:36 You're still not in your own world, Homer.
14:38 I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I...
14:44 This is indeed a disturbing universe.
14:49 Don't touch anything! I'll touch whatever I feel like!
15:04 Foolish Earthling, totally unprepared for the effects of time travel.
15:21 What happened to us, Kudos?
15:23 Quiet, you.
15:33 Good morning, dear. What's my name? What color is this guy?
15:36 What of donuts?
15:37 What?
15:38 For the love of God, tell me!
15:40 Homer, the sky is blue. Donuts are plentiful.
15:44 Friday is TGIF night on ABC. What's gotten into you?
15:47 Nothing.
15:47 Nothing at all. Let's just eat.
15:57 Eh, close enough.
16:08 Hey, everybody, let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs.
16:11 Krabappel shows up.
16:18 All right, backwards boy, back your butt down to detention.
16:25 Over here, Simpson.
16:26 The detention room is dangerously overcrowded,
16:28 so you'll be serving your time in the cafeteria.
16:30 Oxygen running out. Yes,
16:32 you should have thought of that before you made that paper airplane.
16:36 This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical.
16:38 It's a powder keg waiting to go off on an explosion of unacceptable behavior.
16:42 Don't bitch to me, boss man.
16:44 Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using grade F meat.
16:49 Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sort of common solution to both our problems?
16:52 That would be great. Hey, Bart, watch this.
16:56 Ow!
16:57 Oh, no!
16:59 My favorite outfit!
17:01 Jimbo, this is by far the worst.
17:06 Mm.
17:07 Uh, Jimbo, why don't you assist Lunch Lady Doris in the kitchen?
17:11 Bite me, Skinner. Well, might we?
17:14 It's hard for me to clean this giant pot when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over
17:19 me.
17:20 Oh, great.
17:22 Now I gotta work in the dark.
17:26 Mm.
17:29 Mm. This sandwich tastes so young and impudent.
17:33 Seymour, what's with the good grab?
17:35 Well, perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret.
17:38 You remember me telling Jimbo Jones that I'd make something of him one day?
17:42 Are you saying you killed Jimbo, processed his carcass, and served him for lunch?
17:49 Ha!
17:54 Hmm, I wonder where Jimbo is today.
17:57 He should have beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.
17:59 For lunch, lady, please do have another sloppy jimbo.
18:03 This is good, right?
18:05 Now, that's your third helping, young man.
18:06 It's making you fat and soft and tender.
18:12 You just cut in line, didn't you?
18:14 Reported attention, Uder.
18:16 For how long?
18:17 Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.
18:23 Okay, I got your German grub right here.
18:29 Bart,
18:29 does it strike you as odd that Uder disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious
18:33 food called Uderbraten? Oh, relax, kids.
18:37 I've got a gut feeling Uder's around here somewhere.
18:41 After all, isn't there a little Uder in all of us?
18:48 In fact, you might even say we just ate Uder and he's in our stomachs right now.
18:57 Wait, scratch that one.
18:59 Mom!
19:00 Mom! You've got to help. They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria.
19:04 Listen, kids, you're 8 and 10 years old now.
19:06 I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
19:08 But, Mom... No buts. You march right back to that school,
19:12 look them straight in the eye, and say, don't eat me.
19:16 Okay.
19:21 Since so many students have been put on permanent detention...
19:26 We've merged everyone into a single class.
19:29 I trust there are no objections?
19:39 Detention.
19:50 Psst.
19:52 Hey, you guys.
19:54 I was just thinking that any one of us could be next.
19:57 So what do you say we make a break for it?
20:11 Easy there, young man. You'll only make yourself tired and stringy.
20:15 Now to check on the free-range children.
20:23 Hold on, kids!
20:25 I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!
20:27 Ow!
20:29 I'm bad at this.
20:34 I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson.
20:39 Yes.
20:40 I believe I'll start as you've so often suggested by eating your shorts.
20:49 Whoa!
20:59 Don't worry, guys.
21:01 Something always comes along to save us.
21:05 Nevertheless,
21:07 I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpsons children.
21:17 Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare.
21:20 You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of.
21:24 Except that fog that turns people inside out.
21:28 Huh?
21:28 Uh-oh, it's zipping in.
21:31 Stupid cheap weather stripping. Yeah!
21:35 Yeah!
21:44 One, chorus line of people, dance until they make a stop.
21:51 Two, many dancing people, cover with blood, core,
21:56 and clap.
21:58 Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out.
22:06 It's worse than that fleshy virus you've read about.
22:13 Vital organs, they are well-produced in.
22:17 No family organs, I'm in box intestine.
22:20 Happy Halloween!

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Mrs. Krabappel, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Kent Brockman, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Reverend Lovejoy, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Adrian Belew, Becky Shorter, Dolph Starbeam, Sophie Jensen, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Dewey Largo, Buck-toothed girl, Herman Hermann, Boy with shades, Lunchlady Dora, Black Weasel, Yellow Weasel, Wanda, Smug Girl, Fat Tony, Sherri and Terri, Brown-haired boy, Sideshow Bob, Üter Zörker, Kang, Kodos, Jason Voorhees, Count Dracula, Freddy Krueger, Tyrannosaurus Rex, Amenhotep, Ankylosaurus, Apatosaurus, Brachiosaurus, Darwin Fish, Dimetrodon, Leaellynasaura, Mister Peabody, Parasaurolophus, Pinhead, Pteranodon, Sherman, Stegosaurus, Struthiomimus, The Wolfman, Triceratops, Unnamed Lunchlady

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character