Bart's Girlfriend

The Simpsons, season 6, episode 7. First aired November 6, 1994. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

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From “Bart's Girlfriend”: “Yeah, so true.” — Yeah, so true.

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About the episode

Bart falls for Jessica Lovejoy, Reverend Lovejoy's daughter, and starts going to church to impress her, only to find she is an even bigger troublemaker than he is. The romance sours when Jessica steals the money from the church collection plate and leaves Bart to take the blame, with the whole congregation convinced he did it.

Written by: Jonathan Collier
Directed by: Susie Dietter
Guest stars: Meryl Streep as Jessica Lovejoy
Chalkboard gag: I will not send lard through the mail.
Couch gag: Eyeless Family
Production code: 2F04

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

316 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:04 The Simpsons
0:43 Remember, Bart, I mean, dances and underwear, we take the white man alive.
0:48 All right, thinks too much. It shall be so.
0:53 Keep your eyes peeled for Indians.
0:55 I mean, Native Americans.
0:56 They're after us because we gave him those blankets infected with cooties.
1:00 I ate all my caps.
1:02 Throw down your weapons and kiss the prairie, cow dorks.
1:08 Why do we have to play this corny old game anyway?
1:11 I brought my jacks.
1:14 I got twosies.
1:21 That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Kilmatic 3000 back then.
1:25 Hey, records from that era are spotty at best.
1:34 Bart, Lisa, time for church.
1:37 Millhouse, time for church.
1:39 Shlomo, time for your violin lesson.
1:58 Why the crap we have to go to church anyway?
2:00 You just answered your own question with that commode, Mouth.
2:04 Besides, you kids need to learn morals and decency and how to love your fellow man.
2:08 And with flaming swords,
2:10 the Aramites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men and did feast on
2:16 what blowed forth.
2:18 Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh.
2:28 I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair.
2:33 Awful, awful hair.
2:40 And now my daughter Jessica, who has just returned from boarding school,
2:44 will read the same passage I just read. I noticed a few of you weren't paying attention.
2:58 Wow, there is a god.
3:04 I'm telling you, the light would work better if it pointed out to sea.
3:08 Dar, shut up! I know what I'm doing.
3:13 Dar, I hate the sea and everything in it.
3:17 Bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. Thank you for choosing our church, bye-bye.
3:20 I've never felt this way about a girl before.
3:24 My long search is finally over.
3:33 Hi, I'm Bart Simpson.
3:36 I was incredibly moved by your reading.
3:39 I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible.
3:42 Thanks, Art.
3:44 I have to go over here now.
3:52 Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart.
3:54 It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
3:56 Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in,
4:00 day out for the last four years? No, Bart.
4:03 I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along.
4:06 She's a sweet, kind, reverence daughter, and you're the devil's cabana boy.
4:11 Hmm.
4:15 Good.
4:16 Very good.
4:17 Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.
4:22 Bart Simpson?
4:23 Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please.
4:28 But, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school.
4:31 You were happy.
4:32 We were happy.
4:33 Everybody was happy, particularly the hamster.
4:39 I've changed my ways.
4:41 Please give me another chance, ma'am.
4:44 All right, Bart.
4:45 The Bible does teach forgiveness.
4:48 Class, I want you to welcome back our prodigal son.
4:52 What's prodigal mean?
4:54 Oh, dear.
4:55 You know,
4:56 the great thing about Sunday school is we're finally learning something we can use.
5:01 Yeah, so true.
5:02 I have to turn my chair this way now.
5:07 Somehow I gotta convince her I'm a good person.
5:10 All right, I have to sit here and behave no matter what.
5:14 Okay, class, we have a special treat today for Passaround.
5:18 A replica of the slingshot David used to slay Goliath.
5:22 While you kids are looking at that, I'll just busy myself in this file cabinet.
5:32 Must fight Satan.
5:36 Make it up to him.
5:41 Later.
5:43 You know,
5:45 I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up Do you ever think
5:50 anything you don't say?
5:53 Yay!
5:55 There is just no pleasing a girl like that All that unnecessary behaving
6:01 I'm all tense through the Chastel area I need relief
6:13 Now, that kilt was only for day-to-day wear.
6:16 In battle, we'd done the full-length ball gown gathered in sequence.
6:21 The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.
6:27 Ah, there's no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes.
6:35 That'll hold me.
6:36 At least till I get my hands on some kind of explosives.
6:45 Congratulations, Simpson.
6:47 You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months detention.
6:51 There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest.
6:54 There's no... You used me, Skinner!
6:57 You used me!
7:00 Three months?
7:04 Hi, Bart.
7:05 I saw the way they set you up. That was really unfair.
7:11 Want to have dinner at my house tonight?
7:14 Really?
7:15 Uh, sure.
7:18 Great.
7:19 We eat at seven.
7:21 There's only one thing to do at a moment like this.
7:24 Strut!
7:39 I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first day.
7:45 Sunrise, sunset.
7:51 Cats in the cradle and a silver spoon. Yes, we have no bananas
7:58 Oh, that's sweet, Homer Our son is growing up, isn't he?
8:02 No, it's not that Didn't you hear?
8:04 They have no bananas They have no bananas today
8:14 So, Bart, how's school going?
8:16 Jessica always gets straight A's Well, in my family,
8:20 grades aren't that important It's what you learn that counts Six times five.
8:24 What is it?
8:25 Um, actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career.
8:29 Olympic gold medal rocket sled champ.
8:31 Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.
8:34 Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
8:37 Young man, explain yourself.
8:39 Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse, which some find charming.
8:44 Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night, I heard a rather amusing story.
8:49 This character named Martin was feeling rather randy, and he was heard to remark
8:55 Don't you ever come near my daughter again never have I heard such gratuitous use of the
9:01 word but But but but Make him stop But but but but Make him stop
9:12 You're bad Bart Simpson
9:16 No I'm not, I'm really Yes you are, you're bad And I like it.
9:20 I'm bad to the bone, honey.
9:22 Let's go find some fun. But your father said...
9:24 I told the Rev.
9:26 I was going to my room to say my prayers.
9:30 Smart, beautiful, and a liar.
9:33 So much better than that Sarah plain and tall.
9:54 Right there, right there.
9:57 Oh, excellent.
9:59 You're incredible, Jessica.
10:01 Your throws, your catches, your spirals, your loops.
10:04 It's like the toilet paper is an extension of your body.
10:07 Whee!
10:09 No way would a minister's daughter go out with you.
10:12 Oh, yeah? I'll prove it.
10:15 Hey, Jessica!
10:16 Yes?
10:17 Am I supposed to know you? Jessica?
10:20 We just... That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name!
10:26 Why?
10:27 I'm sorry, Bart.
10:29 You know my parents can't find out about us.
10:32 And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting.
10:37 I guess.
10:39 Hey, you want to go skateboarding? Um, actually,
10:41 I was hoping I could sit down for just a second.
10:44 Come on, it'll be fun.
10:49 Wow!
10:51 Now I have the energy to do anything.
10:54 Just give me two minutes.
11:00 Jessica, I think this is too steep.
11:03 Bart, you can't trust your perception at this altitude.
11:13 Actually, if the road surface maintains its integrity, I just might be able to hold on.
11:22 Ah!
11:34 The glue will slow me down.
11:36 Any glue leaking? No, that glue ain't gone nowhere.
11:40 Nothing's ever gonna stop me.
11:50 Oh no, there goes the glue after all
12:01 Fun, huh?
12:12 Have you noticed any change in Bart?
12:14 New glasses?
12:16 No.
12:16 He looks like something might be disturbing him.
12:19 Probably misses his old glasses.
12:21 I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities,
12:23 but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
12:26 Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. That's not what I meant.
12:30 It was, Marge. Admit it.
12:35 Hi.
12:36 Uh, we should get to class. Let's hurry.
12:38 We could get in trouble for being late. Oh, you worry too much.
12:42 Now, come on. If you stay here a while, I'll let you hold my hand.
12:53 Teamwork! Come on, Bart.
13:00 If I don't save the wee turtles, I will.
13:07 Go!
13:07 Save me from the wee turtles!
13:09 They were too quick for me!
13:12 I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet.
13:16 She's like a milk dud, Elise.
13:18 Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
13:21 You gotta give her up. No, no, wait. Here's my plan.
13:24 Put up with her for seven more years.
13:27 Then we'll get married.
13:28 Once the first baby comes along, she's bound to settle down and start treating me right.
13:31 After all, I deserve it. Bart, it's naive to think you can change a person.
13:36 Except maybe that boy who works in the library.
13:41 Do you have Go Dog Go?
13:44 That's in juvenile.
13:45 This is young adult.
13:47 Well read and just a little wild.
13:50 Ooh, if only someone could tame him.
13:54 You're right, Lisa.
13:55 Love isn't about fixing someone. I'm just gonna give her up cold turkey.
14:00 I'm not going to talk to her or see her.
14:02 It's over.
14:03 Thanks for the advice, sis.
14:16 There.
14:17 If I can just get through this many days without seeing her,
14:20 she should be completely out of my system.
14:22 Okay.
14:24 Day one.
14:29 Time for church, Bart.
14:31 I bet your little friend Jessica will be there.
14:40 Jessica... Bart, be strong!
14:42 You don't need that little hellcat!
14:45 Oh, Lise, she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song.
14:58 Oh, that's very disturbing.
15:02 Hey, Bart.
15:04 What? What's wrong?
15:06 Well, Jessica, I don't think we should hang out together anymore.
15:11 You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.
15:16 Oh, good. Here comes the collection plate.
15:26 30 cents off shake and bake. Homer!
15:30 We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.
15:33 You're right about everything, Bart.
15:35 I have been too reckless.
15:38 From now on, I am going to settle down.
15:46 Jessica, what are you doing?
15:48 It takes money to start a new life.
15:51 Stealing from the collection basket is really wrong.
15:53 Even I know that. Oh, fine.
15:56 You just lost your cut.
15:58 I'll just take that.
16:01 Everyone turn around and look at this.
16:05 What is it? A Unitarian?
16:11 Now just relax.
16:12 For once, you didn't do anything wrong.
16:14 Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
16:17 I... Took the money? Yes, we know. He confessed.
16:19 Okay.
16:24 Stop him! He's headed for the window!
16:29 Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money,
16:34 that's all I need.
16:36 I didn't take it. Why, you little... How can you look me in the eye and lie like that?
16:40 Homer, stop that! I believe him. Tell me, if he didn't take the money,
16:45 why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
16:48 That's what he wore to church. Oh, how convenient.
16:51 Bart, honey, do you know who did take the money?
16:57 No.
16:58 See, son, telling the truth isn't so bad.
17:09 Get the money from the church collection plate.
17:15 We've got to talk.
17:16 Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet.
17:20 Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward.
17:24 Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward.
17:29 That doesn't make any sense.
17:30 All right, then I just don't feel like it, okay?
17:32 Jessica, you're really beautiful, but you are not very nice.
17:37 Duh.
17:37 You know, with the way you're treating me, why should I protect you?
17:40 Because if you tell, no one will believe you.
17:44 Remember, I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter, and you're just yellow trash.
17:49 Huh?
17:54 So here's where you're hiding Yeah,
17:57 this is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople Leif
18:03 Bart, we can't just let her get away with this Give it up,
18:06 Lease She's a criminal mastermind She's got 108 IQ,
18:10 she reads at a 5th grade level and...
18:14 Her hair smells like red fruit loops Yeah?
18:18 Well, I eat Froot Loops for breakfast.
18:21 Because of last week's problems,
18:23 we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection.
18:27 We really shouldn't have let them do this.
18:29 It can't be helping his self-esteem.
18:31 Now for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson, who we'll all be keeping an eye on.
18:38 I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof.
18:42 But doesn't the Bible teach us, Judge not, lest ye be judged, Reverend?
18:48 I think it may be somewhere towards the back.
18:51 There is someone among us with a guilty conscience.
18:53 After much soul-searching, I decided it would be wrong of me to name names.
18:58 But I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God,
19:03 to come forward to confess and save yourself from the torment of your own personal
19:08 health. Oh, I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam.
19:12 I was the one that canceled Star Trek.
19:15 I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick.
19:18 I am talking to the collection money thief.
19:21 Only you can come forward and end this injustice.
19:29 Oh, what the heck. It was Jessica Lovejoy.
19:33 If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money.
19:37 To the little girl's room.
19:42 That's the collection money.
19:44 Oh, yeah. Smells like church.
19:47 I guess it's obvious what's happened here.
19:48 Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house.
19:55 Well, come on. Use your imaginations.
19:58 No, Dad.
20:00 I did it.
20:02 It's your classic cry for attention.
20:06 Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely.
20:11 I was expelled, Dad.
20:14 Remember the pipe bomb, the glee club brawl, remember the school chapel collection plate?
20:18 Exploding toilets, McDonald's.
20:21 Come on, Dad!
20:22 Attention to me! I'm going there!
20:25 I think you all owe my son an apology.
20:29 Very sorry.
20:30 I appreciate it.
20:37 Hi, Jessica.
20:38 Hi, Bart.
20:39 Come to watch me suffer I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a
20:44 difficult experience I really learned a lot I'm a little wiser and a
20:50 little less naive Well,
20:52 I learned that I can make men do whatever I want Well,
20:58 don't you see, Jessica? Then you really haven't learned Um,
21:01 would you finish scrubbing these steps for me?
21:03 Will I?
21:06 Hey, Jessica
21:08 Coming.
21:13 Poor sucker.
21:15 It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face.
21:19 Not me, though.
21:20 Wait till she sees the second-rate job I do on these stairs.
21:38 Thank you.
22:20 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Lewis Clark, Richard, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Snowball II, Rod Flanders, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Mayor Quimby, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Helen Lovejoy, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Becky Shorter, Horatio McCallister, Sophie Jensen, Itchy, Long-haired girl, Ruth Powers, Scratchy, Dr. Nick, Gareth Prince, Lionel Hutz, Gloria Prince, Boy with shades, Old Jewish Man, Ms. Albright, Brown-haired boy, Eddie Muntz, Jessica Lovejoy, Janet Reno, Library Clerk, Sarah Plain & Tall

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character