King-Size Homer

The Simpsons, season 7, episode 7. First aired November 5, 1995. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Treehouse of Horror VI Mother Simpson → The whole episode as text

From “King-Size Homer”: “Bye-bye, everybody!” — Bye-bye, everybody!

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About the episode

To skip a mandatory workout program at the nuclear plant, Homer aims to reach 300 pounds so he can claim disability and work from home, gorging with Bart's help on Dr. Nick Riviera's advice. Telecommuting in a muumuu soon bores him, and when his lazy shortcut nearly causes a meltdown, he rushes to the plant and plugs a leak with his own body, earning liposuction from Mr. Burns.

Written by: Dan Greaney
Directed by: Jim Reardon
Chalkboard gag: Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
Couch gag: Mechanical Family
Production code: 3F05

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

359 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:35 Come on, Simpson.
0:36 Open up. We know you're in there.
0:43 Hmm.
0:45 That one.
0:47 Someone's in here!
0:48 No!
0:53 Help! Open the love up!
0:56 I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.
1:00 One, two, three, four.
1:02 Up, down.
1:05 This new exercise program is great.
1:08 Yeah, every muscle in my body's getting a workout.
1:11 Especially my big fat mouth.
1:13 Yeah, especially your big fat... Oh, wait.
1:16 Raise your right huck.
1:17 Ear rate.
1:18 Raise your left huck.
1:19 Ear rate.
1:20 I want to see more Teddy Roosevelt's and less Franklin Roosevelt's.
1:25 It's...
1:27 Actually, Homer, that's just one.
1:29 See, each push-up includes both an up part and a down part.
1:34 Hey, where's Charlie?
1:36 How'd he get out of this? Oh, he's at home on disability.
1:39 Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay.
1:43 It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
1:45 Stupidity, eh?
1:47 Must hurt self.
1:56 Ow!
2:00 Hmm, probably better that didn't hit me.
2:14 Yes?
2:16 Hello?
2:17 May I help you?
2:19 Uh, could you give me a little push in the opposite direction?
2:23 Okay.
2:26 Thank you.
2:28 Carpal tunnel syndrome, no.
2:30 Lumber lung, no.
2:32 Juggler's despair, no.
2:34 Achy-braky pelvis, no.
2:36 Oh, I'm never going to be disabled.
2:38 I'm sick of being so healthy.
2:41 Hey, wait.
2:43 Hyper obesity.
2:45 If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.
2:58 You can do it, old boy.
3:00 Yes, I can.
3:04 Yes, yes, that's the spirit.
3:09 If you gain 61 pounds, they'll let you work at home?
3:12 Uh-huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more traffic,
3:16 no more blood drives or charity walks.
3:18 Dad, I know we don't do a lot together,
3:21 but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of.
3:25 Dad!
3:26 I must protest.
3:27 You're abusing a program intended to help the unfortunate.
3:31 I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey, but try to see it my way.
3:35 All my life, I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.
3:39 Have you told Mom about this? No, it would only worry her.
3:42 If you want to add to her worries, go ahead.
3:44 I guess I'm just a little more grateful for all she's done for us.
3:47 Dad!
3:48 Yes, sweetheart?
3:49 Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that.
3:52 Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, little miss smart guy.
3:56 My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligent.
4:01 I'll have no part of it.
4:04 Can you recommend a doctor who will?
4:06 Yes.
4:08 Hi, everybody.
4:09 Hi, Dr. Nick.
4:11 Now,
4:11 there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself.
4:17 I recommend a slow, steady,
4:20 gorging process combined with acylhorizontology.
4:25 Of course.
4:26 You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group,
4:31 the congealed group, and the chocotastic.
4:34 What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor?
4:37 Be creative.
4:38 Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts.
4:41 Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
4:44 You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
4:46 Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?
4:51 And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper.
4:56 If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.
5:01 Bye-bye, everybody!
5:05 It's a dream come true, boy. I can. Nay, I must eat everything I've always wanted.
5:11 Now, come on. Every second I'm out of bed, I'm burning precious calories.
5:15 Now get grubbin'!
5:29 Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.
5:46 Lucky for you, this stuff done work.
5:54 I don't know.
5:56 Fish sandwich.
5:57 Are you sure?
6:06 Oh, 225?
6:07 That means I lost weight.
6:10 Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.
6:16 Woohoo!
6:17 Four more pounds and my dream comes true.
6:20 Working at home.
6:27 Here's your lemonade and here's your beer.
6:31 Oh, you're such a vigorous young go-getter.
6:34 When's your next coffee break?
6:36 Anytime I want.
6:49 Hey, Flanders. Bad day at the rat races?
6:52 Yeah, a crazy guy shot a bunch of people and the subway ran over my hat.
6:59 Hey, Lise, come look at this.
7:03 Neat.
7:08 Oh, hello, honey. Hi.
7:12 Um, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
7:16 Did you put on a little weight this week?
7:18 I was going to surprise you, but what the heck.
7:21 Honey, I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability.
7:26 Oh, have you lost your mind?
7:29 Have you thought about your health or your appearance?
7:32 Oh, so that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks, I didn't know you were so shallow.
7:37 Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds, but...
7:40 Beautiful. Good night.
7:43 Oh, I got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I got to face another day at work.
7:48 Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food.
7:51 You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce.
7:54 I need a miracle.
8:03 Oh, honey, that looks just like a real donut.
8:07 Dad, it says non-toxic.
8:10 Well, that's a plus.
8:18 I did it! Uh, Dad, towel rack.
8:26 Oh, my.
8:33 I'm pleased to dedicate this remote work terminal.
8:36 It will allow our safety inspector here to perform his duties from home.
8:40 And so excelsior to you, Mr... What's the name of this gastropod?
8:45 Simpson, sir, one of your chairmoisteners from Sector 7G.
8:48 Yes, Simpson!
8:52 Thank you for your pity.
8:55 Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
8:59 Normally,
8:59 your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV.
9:03 But this season... Hmm.
9:18 I'm looking for something loose and billowy.
9:20 Something comfortable for my first day of work.
9:22 Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer?
9:25 Computer magazine columns?
9:27 Something with computers.
9:28 Well, I use a computer. Eh, which connection must be the nonstop sitting and snacking?
9:32 Well, sir, many of our clients find pants confining,
9:36 so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman.
9:40 Ponchos, moo-moos, capes, jumpsuits, unit sheets, muslin body rolls,
9:44 academic and judicial ropes. I don't want to look like a weirdo.
9:48 I'll just go with a moo-moo.
9:58 I'm a pie in the sky with a morning commute.
10:00 Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets.
10:02 Due to a fire at the Army testing lab,
10:04 a bunch of escape-infected monkeys are roaming the expressway.
10:07 Despite the sweltering heat,
10:09 don't unroll your windows because those monkeys seem confused and irritable.
10:14 I pity those poor suckers on the freeway.
10:17 Gas break hog. Gas break hog.
10:20 Hog hog punch. Gas, gas, gas.
10:27 8.58.
10:29 First time I've ever been early for work.
10:33 Except for all those daylight savings days, lousy farmers.
10:37 To start, press any key.
10:40 Where's the any key?
10:41 I see esc, catarrel, and pickup.
10:45 There doesn't seem to be any any key.
10:48 All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.
10:51 I think I'll order a tab.
10:54 Oh, no time for that now. The computer's starting.
10:57 Check core temperature.
10:59 Yes slash no.
11:01 Yes.
11:02 Core temperature normal.
11:05 Not too shabby.
11:07 Vent radioactive gas.
11:10 N-O.
11:11 Venting prevents explosion.
11:15 This is hard. Where's my tab?
11:18 Okay, then.
11:19 Yes.
11:20 Vent the stupid gas.
11:28 Oh, no, the corn!
11:31 Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.
11:34 Pardon me, I have to go to school while I get to stay home.
11:40 I like school. Why don't you live in it, then?
11:42 I would if I could.
11:44 Not me, sister.
11:45 When I grew up, I want to be a lardo on workman's comp just like Dad.
11:53 I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
12:01 Ew!
12:05 Mom!
12:06 This whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad?
12:10 I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how.
12:13 Your father can be surprisingly sensitive.
12:15 Remember when I giggled at a Sherlock Holmes hat?
12:17 He soaked for a week and then closed his detective agency.
12:20 Well, maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings.
12:22 The longer he lives like this, the harder it'll be to go back.
12:27 You're right.
12:29 Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of voice.
12:32 Homer.
12:36 That's it. That's the one. All right, send them on in.
12:40 Dad?
12:40 Yes, honey?
12:43 Mom just baked a cake.
12:44 Oh!
12:48 Homer, we need to have a serious talk. You dragged me all away from work for that.
12:52 Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons of your controversial plan, shall we?
12:58 I... Con, you're endangering your health.
13:01 Pro, I'm drought and famine resistant.
13:04 Con, you're setting a bad example for the children.
13:06 Pro, I don't have to go to work. Con, you're running the air conditioner nonstop.
13:10 It's freezing in here. Pro, uh, uh, I love you?
13:16 Come on.
13:18 I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.
13:24 Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here.
13:27 And nobody's gonna take it away from me.
13:30 You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you,
13:34 the slim lazy homer you knew is dead.
13:37 Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
13:42 There's no cake.
13:45 Vent radioactive gas?
13:48 Y-E-S.
13:50 Sound alertness horn?
13:52 Y-E-S.
13:54 Decalcify calcium ducts? Well, give me a what?
13:58 Give me a... Hey.
14:00 All I have to type is Y.
14:03 Hey, miss doesn't find me attractive sexually anymore.
14:06 I just tripled my productivity.
14:09 Good, good for you.
14:11 Why? Why?
14:13 Let's see, so many letters to choose from.
14:15 I'll pick Y.
14:16 Y.
14:19 What the heck are you doing over there?
14:23 There, you found a floor.
14:25 Y, Y, Y.
14:29 I'm going out. I run errands during the day.
14:32 Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer?
14:42 DeVale! DeVale is here!
14:44 Ooh!
14:45 An urgent plea from Edward James, almost.
14:48 Lisa Simpson, can you afford to miss another issue of the Utney Reader?
14:53 He he he he, kids.
14:56 Free sample of fabric softener? Woohoo!
15:05 Mmm.
15:07 I can feel three kinds of softness. Dad, what are you doing down there?
15:12 Watching my fat guy hat, honey.
15:15 We now return to Search for the Sun.
15:19 According to Daddy's will, I inherit the entire plantation.
15:24 I'll see to it you don't get apricot one.
15:33 Uh, what's your dad's job again?
15:36 He's a nuclear safety technician What's he doing with that broom?
15:41 Uh, what isn't he doing?
15:43 I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman
15:48 Hey,
15:50 leave my dad alone Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad He's a sweet man and
15:55 he has real feelings Hey, what are you kids looking at?
15:59 Hey, look! He's trying to get up to yell at us!
16:01 Don't make me close that shade!
16:07 Hey, Homer.
16:08 You promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.
16:11 Nuts to that. I'm going to the movies. Shouldn't you be working?
16:14 I got someone to cover for me.
16:22 One for Honk, please. Oh, gee, just a minute.
16:26 I have to check with the manager.
16:30 That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
16:34 I'm terribly sorry, sir,
16:35 but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.
16:38 What are you talking about? What I'm saying, sir,
16:40 is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.
16:44 Well, he could sit in the aisle. I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
16:48 Hey, fatty, I got a movie for you.
16:50 A fridge too far.
16:55 Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity.
16:58 I just came here to see Honk if you're horny in peace.
17:01 Sir, if you just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
17:05 This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food.
17:09 I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes.
17:12 The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hardworking
17:16 as everybody else, and they're going to make their voices heard.
17:20 All they need is a leader.
17:23 I'll work harder than ever before.
17:25 And show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy, and irresponsible.
17:29 What happened to my bird?
17:34 Oh!
17:35 Arch!
17:37 Lisa!
17:39 Flanders!
17:44 Explosion imminent!
17:48 Oh my god!
17:49 The plant's going to explode!
17:53 Hey, that thing's going cock-a-cuckoo. Who cares?
17:57 It's a homeless problem.
17:58 Wait, I know.
17:59 Bent gas.
18:01 Pressure too high.
18:04 Tank must be shut down manually.
18:06 Oh, stupid bird.
18:08 I never should have put you in charge.
18:10 Why you...
18:12 Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault.
18:16 I gotta call the plant and warn him.
18:21 The fingers you have used to dial are too fat.
18:24 To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
18:32 I'm going to have to shut it down myself.
18:33 Fat, don't fail me now.
18:39 Oh.
18:44 Hey, buddy,
18:45 you're going to slow your car now and let me in because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go
18:48 anywhere because there's going to be some poison gas.
18:49 I mean, there's going to be really poison gas.
18:51 Everybody's gonna be dead, especially me!
18:55 The ice cream man.
18:58 Hey, buddy, you gonna let me in your car?
19:00 Take anything you want, man. Take it all.
19:05 Push out the jives.
19:08 Bring in the love.
19:13 I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had
19:18 to close the restaurant. Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight,
19:22 but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac.
19:24 Oh, the raspberry.
19:27 Oh?
19:35 Rookers, please, there'll be time for the frozen pudding wagon later.
19:38 You still owe me ten more Iroquois twists.
19:41 Ten hi-ya-ya, and nine hi-ya-ya.
19:49 Get away, dammit! Run for your lives! I'll take a rocket, Bob!
19:52 What can I get for 30 cents?
19:54 Let go!
19:55 I'd better get to the cage!
20:02 Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.
20:04 Six!
20:05 Hi-ya-ya!
20:07 Four!
20:12 Hi-ya-ya!
20:20 Three hi-ya-ya
20:28 Two hi-ya-ya
20:35 Stupid switch!
20:37 I wish I had my reaching broom!
20:39 One hi-ya-ya
20:44 Wait a minute, there's probably a...
20:53 Homer,
20:54 your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere three-mile
21:00 island. Bravo!
21:03 I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his
21:08 death.
21:09 And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
21:13 Bart!
21:14 We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated.
21:17 Thank you, Mr. Burns.
21:20 It was pretty scary up there, but for a while I feared for my life.
21:30 Now, Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
21:40 Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again?
21:43 I guarantee it. One
21:48 One I'll just pay for the blessed liposuction
21:53 Woohoo!
22:41 Shh.
22:46 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Ned Flanders, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Ralph Wiggum, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Jimbo Jones, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Mayor Quimby, Dolph Starbeam, Dr. Nick, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Charlie, Raphael, Arnie Pye, Joey Crusher, Lowblow, Mindy Simmons, Blanche Auditioner 1, Mr. Burns' Security Guards, Aztec Theater Manager, Corn Farmer, Driver, Ice Cream Man, Nutrition Center Clerk, Vast Waistband Owner

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character