Brother's Little Helper

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 2. First aired October 3, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Beyond Blunderdome Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? → The whole episode as text

From “Brother's Little Helper”: “Bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder.” — Bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder.

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About the episode

After Bart floods the gym during Fire Safety Day, Principal Skinner demands that he take the behavior drug Focusyn or face expulsion. The pills make Bart a model student until he grows convinced that Major League Baseball uses satellites to spy on Springfield. He steals an army tank and shoots down a satellite that proves him right, but Mark McGwire distracts the crowd and whisks the evidence away.

Written by: George Meyer
Directed by: Mark Kirkland
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Mark McGwire
Chalkboard gag: Pork is not a verb
Couch gag: Korean Artists
Production code: AABF22

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

369 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
0:36 All right.
1:44 You need one. No.
1:46 What's this?
1:47 Just read the label.
1:48 It's a king-size flamer.
1:51 Bart, will you go bother someone else? Look, a fire engine.
1:55 Stop that. Help, help, fire.
1:58 Helmets. Can't you do something constructive?
2:00 Sure, I can do something destructive.
2:04 Just say the word and I'll drive this hoe in his back.
2:07 I can make it look like suicide. Hmm,
2:10 and I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey.
2:15 You're not going to start any fires, are you?
2:18 At my house, we call them uh-ohs.
2:21 Hi, Fire Doggy. Can you do any tricks?
2:24 Tricks? That's rich. He's so inbred, he can barely stand up.
2:29 Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
2:33 But it can turn not so nice,
2:35 as you'll see in this skit by the volunteer fire department player.
2:41 Ho-ho!
2:42 What a great pot party. Wasn't it, man?
2:45 Now for a regular cigarette to make the night complete.
2:50 Oh!
2:52 Man, that's good.
2:53 Mad Dog, I've been thinking.
2:55 Maybe we should get another smoke detector in case that one trips out on us.
2:59 Ho-ho-ho! Why bother, baby?
3:01 One smoke detector's enough for Mad Dog.
3:03 Now let's hit the sack.
3:11 Whoa!
3:12 Check it out! Mad Dog's on fire! Stop dropping Roll, man!
3:17 That's for Clydes, baby.
3:19 A little fire can't hurt you.
3:21 But Mad Dog was wrong.
3:23 The fire burned through the night and cost him the use of his pants.
3:27 Which just goes to show you... Sorry to break character,
3:30 but these stunt pants are getting pretty toasty.
3:32 Uh, roll, Nettie, roll.
3:36 It's not working, it just spreads the flame.
3:39 Get the fire hose, get the fire hose.
3:44 What's it doing in the gymnasium?
3:49 Bart, have you lost your...
4:05 Bart Simpson!
4:07 You've really done it this time. Yeah, it all kind of came together.
4:23 Thank you for coming. Thank you for getting me out of work.
4:26 I'll be blunt.
4:27 Bart's latest escapade goes far beyond the realm of the hijink.
4:29 Dear, now the floor is as good as new.
4:36 My sport goggles!
4:38 Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true.
4:42 Yeah, he's something else all right. But worst of all,
4:46 he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him.
4:48 Just look at this pattern.
4:50 Hey, that looks like Bart.
4:52 And turning to the 3D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.
4:57 Put it away, put it away. Very well, but there's no escaping the truth.
5:01 Bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder.
5:04 You mean like John Leguizamo?
5:06 How should I know?
5:07 The point is ADD makes children restless and easily distracted.
5:11 Hi, Bart, it's me, Homer.
5:14 What, time to go? Please, Mr. Simpson.
5:16 I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son.
5:18 Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
5:22 Antibar? No, it's a new drug called Focus-In.
5:26 A drug?
5:27 I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
5:31 Give me an F.
5:33 Give me an R.
5:34 Good Lord.
5:34 He's gotten into the pep closet.
5:36 I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.
5:45 I don't want to pump my little boy full of drugs.
5:48 Yeah, yeah, we get a lot of that. But then they see our results.
5:52 These are normal guinea pigs, running around like idiots.
5:56 Now I'll give them some focusing.
6:04 That's amazing!
6:06 And darling, check this out.
6:11 They become your slaves. Yes, but it's not about slavery.
6:16 It's about helping kids concentrate.
6:18 This pill reduces class clownism 44%.
6:20 With 60% less sass mouth. The only thing more effective is regular exercise
6:34 How will we get part to take these it's all about trust honey
6:44 We agreed we discussed the medication with Bart Medication?
6:49 Some special helpers that'll make you a good boy.
6:53 I don't want to take drugs. Sure you do.
6:56 All your favorite stars have used drugs.
6:59 Brett Butler, Tim Allen. Tommy Lee?
7:01 Andy Dick. He's just flamboyant. Yeah, and I'm a size four.
7:05 Dad, I admit I have some problems, but drugs aren't the answer.
7:09 You little...
7:12 John, let's forget all about that drug thing.
7:16 Why don't you just come down and have some taffy?
7:19 Nice try, Homer. Just take one bite if you're not 100% different.
7:23 Ow!
7:24 Jeez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some.
7:35 Does Mr. Simpson have a demon, Daddy?
7:38 Flicks like it.
7:39 Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs. Yay!
7:44 Honey, if you don't want to take the medicine, we won't force you.
7:48 Really?
7:51 Yes, I just thought you might love me enough to let me help you.
7:57 Mom.
7:59 All right, I'll do it for you.
8:03 Way to guilt him, Marge. It's what I do.
8:12 Hey!
8:16 Good morning, honey.
8:19 How's my special little guy?
8:20 I'm having some side effects from the dope.
8:22 It's not dope. It's something to help you concentrate.
8:25 All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear.
8:28 Bart, get those oranges out of there.
8:31 Back in the lunches you go. Ew, Mom.
8:35 Oh, grow up.
8:36 Yeah.
8:38 I have to take these stupid pills twice a day.
8:40 I'll trade you a Claritin for one. Claritin D?
8:44 Nah, can't help you.
8:46 I take hormones to lower my voice.
8:48 Now all I want to do is fight.
8:49 What are you looking at?
8:51 You think you got it bad? I gotta wear a shock collar.
8:54 Ooh.
8:55 That's rough.
8:56 What was that for?
8:58 I thought about a girl I like.
9:01 All right, class. Who would like to read the daffodils by Wordsworth?
9:04 I'll do it. No, thank you, Mr.
9:06 Weisenheimer.
9:07 Sherry? I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high or veils in hills.
9:12 Hey, look at those dogs going at it. I want to see them, I want to see them.
9:16 Lighting over a fan belt.
9:18 Dogs are outstanding.
9:20 All right, people, we've all seen the dogs now, so...
9:24 What?
9:25 You're still in your seat.
9:26 Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before.
9:28 That doesn't sound like me.
9:30 Could it be the drug kicking in?
9:32 I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right.
9:35 Come on, people, this poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.
9:40 What a lovely day in the park.
9:43 A perfect place to meet a lady.
9:49 Ooh la la, it's Sideshow Melanie.
9:56 Hey, what's going on? Hey, this thing's coming off my air!
10:05 What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 RPM,
10:08 then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow.
10:11 Sorry, Krusty, I choked. You choked! You choked!
10:14 Bard, Bard, Krusty just fired his associate producer.
10:18 I'm reading.
10:19 No way.
10:21 The seven habits of highly effective pre-teens?
10:24 Is this all because of the...
10:28 Joke, if you will, but did you know most people use 10% of their brains?
10:32 I am now one of them. Before, my energy was all over the place.
10:35 Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam.
10:38 Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime.
10:41 Are you standing up to get me to leave? It's from the book.
10:44 Hey, I'm not a time burglar.
10:47 Memo to self. Lock door. All right, I'll go.
10:50 You don't have to be a jerk about it.
10:53 Memo to self.
10:54 Shut up, Lisa.
10:59 Thank you in advance for a world-class meal.
11:02 You're an inspiration to our entire organization.
11:05 Thank you again, Bart.
11:07 Oh, what a lovely gesture.
11:10 Cost of paper, five cents. A mother's love, priceless.
11:13 Do I get a card? No,
11:15 but here's a book called Chicken Soup for the Loser that gave Bill Buckner the courage to
11:18 open a chain of laundromats.
11:20 Hmm, my career has kind of lost momentum.
11:23 I think it's the bright blue pants.
11:25 I mean, you're not on a golf course. Well,
11:28 I have been thinking about making them into cut-offs.
11:32 I tell you, the kid's a wonder.
11:34 He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.
11:39 That's got to save all kinds of travel time.
11:41 You know it. Plus, he gave me this appointment dealie.
11:44 Got my whole week in there.
11:46 Sweet.
11:47 Oh, this thing will do anything.
11:48 Watch, I'll ask it how many leagues in a furlong.
11:50 No, wait, I'll make it say, what's the matter you in Turkish?
11:54 Neyinwar, tardine.
11:55 And look at this, a cheese grater. Man, technology's amazing.
12:00 A guy can do great things with a gadget like that.
12:03 Well, if you want one, they sell him a...
12:04 Yeah, a guy can do great things.
12:11 The boy's still studying?
12:13 Can you believe it? And he's even tutoring a little Navajo boy.
12:18 And why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
12:21 Because he took his eyes off the prize. That's right.
12:24 You stay on the ball, you stay on the wall.
12:26 He's gone from goofus to gallant. and we own all the mind-bending pills.
12:32 Bart so well behaved now.
12:35 Maybe you and I could have a night out. Oh, let's go to the water park.
12:39 My 10-year ban ended yesterday.
12:40 I was thinking of something a little more adult.
12:47 Oh, Marge. And then afterwards...
12:51 Really?
12:52 With butterscotch on it? I think you misheard me.
12:58 You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen and you're throwing it all away!
13:02 Screw you!
13:03 Screw everybody!
13:04 Alright girls, tops off. It's showtime!
13:09 Why, this is the greatest gift any wife has ever given her husband.
13:13 I thought you'd like it.
13:14 And I'm enjoying the friendship between Showgirl and that seamstress.
13:17 I'm down!
13:18 Yeah, you're special.
13:19 You hush up! Quiet everybody!
13:21 Shut up or I'll pound all of ya!
13:25 That was fun.
13:27 We have to get out more often. I heard about a new bar where men dance with men.
13:31 Doesn't that sound adorable?
13:33 Well, sure, if it's true.
13:35 Is that Lisa?
13:41 I'm so glad you're here. Bart's really acting funny.
13:44 Ray J funny or OJ funny? You'll see.
13:47 Gotta get it done.
13:48 Bart?
13:50 Gotta finish.
13:54 Close the door.
13:55 You're probably wondering about the coat hangers.
13:58 They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me.
14:01 Okay.
14:02 It can read your electronic organizer from space.
14:05 Even mine?
14:07 Hey, I had Lenny's name on that. They have it now.
14:11 And who are they, exactly?
14:13 Who else? Major League Baseball.
14:16 Marge, I think Bart's gone crazy.
14:19 Oh, Bart, what's happened to you? Well, nothing yet, but the time draws near.
14:24 Now let's get those fillings out of you.
14:27 Hey, you found my needle-nosed pliers.
14:32 I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?
14:36 Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.
14:39 You said he was concerned about satellites?
14:41 And their beams.
14:43 Any other strange behavior? He quit blinking.
14:45 He says that's when they get you. I had a feeling this might happen.
14:48 This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems.
14:50 We trusted you. Gah!
14:53 Gah! Gah! I think we should take him off the drug.
14:55 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
14:57 You can't just go off Focusing. But we can ease Bard onto one of its sister drugs,
15:02 like chlorhexanol, and augment that with some phenylbutamine.
15:05 Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzinone? That's a great idea!
15:09 Mwah!
15:10 No!
15:10 You can't take my Focusing.
15:12 I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies.
15:15 I know you love Focusing, son,
15:17 but in time you'll get just as attached to these three amigos.
15:22 No!
15:31 Hello.
15:32 Somebody's gonna have a tummy ache.
15:35 Stop him. He's whacked out of his gourd.
15:38 Don't worry. We have a procedure for these situations.
15:47 It was just air in mine
15:54 I'm really worried chief. There's no telling what he might do Okay,
15:59 so you say your son is toe-headed button nose mischievous smile and maybe armed with a
16:03 slingshot got it. We'll find him ma'am
16:07 Yeah,
16:08 looks like the kid who roughed up the Wilson widow My little guys out there in the hot sun
16:13 without a sombrero We should have paid more attention to these side effects.
16:17 It's all here.
16:18 Erratic behavior, paranoia, diarrhea.
16:21 I don't think he has diarrhea.
16:22 But how do we know, Marge? How do we know?
16:31 I can't believe it. Sarge said we're the worst bunch he's ever seen.
16:34 See, I have to believe he's seen worse bunches than us.
16:37 But he said... I know what he said. He was just trying to motivate it.
16:40 I ruined the whole hike.
16:46 You think Alex would mind if I asked Janet out?
16:49 They're married, idiot.
16:50 Why'd you have to yell?
16:52 You're in the whole shower.
16:54 So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it.
16:58 And here's why. Homer, you're supposed to be hunting for Bart.
17:01 I'm on top of it.
17:05 My sweet baby.
17:07 He must feel so helpless and scared.
17:11 Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
17:15 Don't stop, it'll soon be here.
17:19 Smithers, we're at war.
17:21 I'll begin profiteering, sir.
17:23 And hoarding.
17:24 Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
17:31 Eat dead!
17:33 A maniac cutting a swath of destruction!
17:35 This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly...
17:39 Ghost Rider.
17:40 What about Superman?
17:42 Oh, please.
17:46 What the...?
17:48 Come on, get out! Noodles! Seesaw! Oopsie!
17:51 Lock sweat! Hoo-ha! Jitters! Sir Widebomb!
17:54 Oh, I'm stuck! Easy, boys.
18:01 I'm sure I'm alive, but why?
18:09 You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson.
18:11 And I thank you. Wow, praise from Caesar.
18:14 Huh?
18:17 Shoot the tires out, Lou.
18:19 Uh, it's a tank, Chief.
18:21 You know what? I'm getting real tired of your excuses.
18:30 What a day.
18:31 First the drinking fountain squirts me, and now this.
18:41 My God, is she brave. Standing up to that freaked out junkie.
18:45 Dad, that junkie is your son.
18:48 Why don't you just tell everybody?
18:50 Hey, Mom. Thanks for coming out. Oh, thank you for stopping the tank.
18:54 It ran out of gas. Oh.
18:57 So, Bart... Question.
18:58 How about getting out of the tank?
19:01 Huh?
19:01 Maybe stopping your rampage, huh?
19:03 We could go to Krusty Burger.
19:05 Okay, sure.
19:06 Right after I blow up one thing.
19:14 Good Lord, he's going to fire! All right, Scott to school, dude.
19:19 No, stop.
19:20 Think of these children.
19:27 Not the church. Jesus lives there.
19:32 The frame store, you monster!
19:37 Not the sky.
19:39 That's where clouds are born.
19:51 A satellite?
19:52 What do we do? What do we do?
19:54 Discotheques, frat houses, Malibu.
19:57 Nothing about satellite fires.
19:59 Let's just spray it with water already.
20:02 That's the end of your Looney Tunes, drugs bunny.
20:05 You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.
20:08 And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel.
20:13 Major League Baseball?
20:15 I told you they were monitoring my activities.
20:18 He's right. This thing's got info on everybody.
20:20 addresses, credit ratings, what type baseball hat they wear?
20:24 Surveillance beam disabled.
20:26 Market research shutting down.
20:29 Doesn't that beat all?
20:32 Hi, folks.
20:34 I'm Mark McGuire.
20:35 Big Mac himself.
20:37 Who'da thunk it?
20:38 Young Bart here was right.
20:39 We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.
20:42 But why, Mr. McGuire?
20:43 Do you want to know the terrifying truth?
20:45 Or do you want to see me suck a few dingers?
20:48 Dingers!
20:53 Yoink.
20:59 Ugh, it's good to have the old bark back.
21:02 Plus, you exposed the disturbing unreadiness of today's army.
21:05 Oh, honey, I'm so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride.
21:09 At least I got to see some cool colors.
21:11 And Mark McGuire gave you an autographed bat.
21:15 Why is this gyro made out of glass?
21:17 Who cares? That man can really slug. Well,
21:20 I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs.
21:23 From now on, it's nothing but fresh air, lots of hugs, and good old-fashioned Ritalin.
21:29 You said a mouthful.
21:31 When I can't stop fiddlin', it just takes me riddlin'.
21:35 I'm puffin' and sailin', man!
21:52 Thank you.
22:26 Oh, why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Jimbo Jones, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Janey Powell, Adrian Belew, Bernice Hibbert, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Ruth Powers, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed boy, Dr. Nick, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Herman Hermann, Lewis' lookalike, Lunchlady Dora, Kyle Williams, Sara, Emilie Mercer, Mark McGwire, Noodles, Sir Widebottom, Female Researcher, Hoohah, Hosey the Bear, Jitters, Oopsie, See-saw

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character