Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?

The Simpsons, season 11, episode 3. First aired October 24, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Brother's Little Helper Treehouse of Horror X → The whole episode as text

From “Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?”: “What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne,” — What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne,

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About the episode

Homer becomes the Springfield Shopper's restaurant critic, a job that lets him eat for free, while Lisa turns his clumsy prose into polished reviews. Once his write-ups grow savage, Springfield's restaurant owners come to dread and resent him, and they conspire to murder him with a poisoned éclair.

Written by: Al Jean
Directed by: Nancy Kruse
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: I am not the Last Don
Couch gag: Groening's Signature
Production code: AABF21

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

357 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:02 The Simpsons
1:21 I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper.
1:26 groundskeeper willie and i will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word
1:31 evolution from our school next stop margaritaville oh they're still here yes
1:37 now i'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost come to think
1:41 of it i haven't seen since the last field trip well ooter i don't remember any ooter
1:46 silly name ooter dad it's great that you volunteered to drive but how did you get out of
1:52 work don't worry sweetie daddy's Got it covered.
1:56 I work hard for the money. So hard for the money.
2:00 Oh, I something, something money. Come on, give me lots of money.
2:04 Now there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart.
2:10 Promote him.
2:11 So hard for the money that I... Turn table.
2:19 Hey, I know how we can have some fun.
2:22 I spy with my little eye something beginning with D.
2:28 Dingus!
2:30 God bless you, Nelson Muntz. I'm no hero.
2:34 I just like to hit people in the head.
2:41 Ah, you s***! You cut me off!
2:44 Ah, yeah, s*** for you!
2:46 Dad, that's an ambulance.
2:49 Oh, right.
2:51 F***ing ambulance!
2:52 Think you're so big with your f***ing siren and your letters on backwards?
3:00 Here we are, kids.
3:02 The zoo.
3:03 Well, that's great, Dad, except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper.
3:07 Don't! Don't! Don't!
3:14 Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883.
3:18 The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaper Seed,
3:21 a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
3:26 If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
3:29 Over the years, the shopper merged with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald,
3:33 Jewish News, and Hot Sex Weekly to become Springfield's number one newspaper.
3:39 Wow, bustling metropolitan newsroom funneling scoops from all over the globe.
3:45 Hi, are you interested in a subscription to the shopper?
3:48 Low introductory rates.
3:50 No, please, you gotta help old Gil. What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone?
3:54 Dance for you? But you wouldn't even see it.
3:57 All right, I'm dancing.
4:02 And this is our comic strip department.
4:04 Who here reads Mary Worth?
4:08 Let's move on.
4:12 This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep.
4:16 My advice is to free us or let us die.
4:20 Check it out, Dad. You can print out the headline from the day you were born.
4:24 Ooh, pointless nostalgia.
4:28 I sure hate to be him.
4:32 And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
4:38 And what percent is that?
4:39 Zero.
4:41 Zero's a percent.
4:45 And... Hey, I smell cake. Cake that says,
4:50 Farewell, and... Best wishes!
4:53 Your old man has an awesome nose.
4:56 Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.
4:58 So, Mimi,
4:59 this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favorite food critic.
5:05 What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne,
5:09 pizza that's hardly numero uno,
5:11 An ice cream cake which reminds us why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right?
5:17 I wouldn't want to be married to her.
5:19 I mean again.
5:23 Who are you and why are you ruining my retirement party?
5:26 I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.
5:32 Well, at least you like the food.
5:34 Oh, I like food all right. I like pizza.
5:38 I like bagels. I like hot dogs with mustard and beer.
5:42 I get the picture.
5:43 I'll eat a plant.
5:44 I could even eat a baby deer. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
5:49 Who's that baby deer on the lawn? Enough already.
5:52 Sorry.
5:52 Hey, listen.
5:53 I just had a thought.
5:55 We're looking for a new food critic.
5:57 Someone who doesn't immediately poo-poo everything he eats.
6:01 No, it usually takes a few hours.
6:04 Look, I'd like to give you a tryout. Write a 500 word sample review.
6:10 If it passes muster, we'll put you on staff.
6:13 Thanks for the chance. You won't never regret this, Mr.
6:16 Editing Guy.
6:18 You know, homie, the E doesn't work on that typewriter.
6:22 We don't need no stinking E.
6:25 Restaurant review, no.
6:27 Eatery evaluation, no.
6:30 Food box, go or no go by Homer, no.
6:34 Earl, no. Bill Simpson.
6:45 Well, what do you think?
6:48 This is a joke, right?
6:50 I mean, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read.
6:52 What's wrong with it?
6:54 Well, you keep using words like peschetti and mamados.
6:58 You make numerous threatening references to the UN.
7:02 And at the end, you repeat the words screw Flanders over and over again.
7:08 Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words.
7:11 Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry. No, no, you're right.
7:15 It's a joke.
7:15 Ha, ha, ha.
7:17 Everyone laugh at a funny joke. Ha, ha.
7:19 I'll be right back with a real review.
7:23 Oh, still not clean.
7:27 Stinker failure's still on me.
7:29 Dad, I'm sorry the editor didn't like your review.
7:33 I'll help you write a new review if you just let me use the bathroom.
7:37 Still not clean.
7:42 Okay, what restaurant did we review?
7:45 Well, we went to Pate La Belle last week.
7:47 How about that? Great. Now let me think.
7:49 The food was...
7:52 Not undelicious.
7:54 The food is delicious.
7:56 That's brilliant! And I have this sweet, sweet chocolate mousse.
8:00 Really, the only word for it is...
8:04 Hmm, what's the English equivalent for...
8:09 I'd say... Transcendent.
8:12 How about groin-grabbingly transcendent?
8:14 Uh, I don't think so.
8:16 We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team.
8:21 497, 498 words.
8:23 Hmm.
8:24 How about screw Flanders?
8:27 Bon Appetit! Eh, both good.
8:30 Not bad! Not bad at all!
8:34 We're gonna run this on page one!
8:37 Of Section H2.
8:39 Woohoo!
8:40 Stop the pressures!
8:47 Okay!
8:48 Start the pressures!
8:50 That takes four hours!
8:53 Whatever, I'll be at most.
8:57 This is so exciting, homie. Your first restaurant review.
9:01 Marge, shh.
9:03 It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic.
9:06 Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic.
9:08 Homer's a critic. Pass it on.
9:10 Did you hear? Homer's a critic.
9:11 Quit changing the subject.
9:13 Where is Uta?
9:14 Oh, we just want closure.
9:17 Here you are, one critic special.
9:20 If anything appears to be moving, that's just freshness.
9:25 Can you believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest.
9:28 They're paying me to eat.
9:30 Yeah, now if you can just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt,
9:32 we'll be on Easy Street. Why, you little...
9:37 Wow, my first published article.
9:40 Although someone else's name is on it.
9:44 Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing.
9:47 But this is only the beginning.
9:54 Welcome to Planet Springfield, the restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris,
10:00 Johnny Carson's third wife, and the Russian mafia.
10:04 Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood grugas.
10:09 There's the coffee mug from Heartbeeps. And there's the cane from Citizen Kane.
10:15 Wait a minute, there was no cane in Citizen Kane.
10:19 And there's that awful script from the cable guy.
10:23 Let me see. stupid script nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career
10:27 I'm gonna
10:35 the food is exquisite and the view is beautiful
10:42 inspirational
10:44 nauseating
10:48 hey Homer great call on that chicken place and on that rib place I never knew
10:54 everything was so good.
10:57 Look, Marge, I'm making a difference in people's lives.
11:01 Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious.
11:04 I've never felt jollier.
11:06 Ooh, there go my shin bones again.
11:14 Hey, Homer, come here.
11:16 Ooh, are you gonna fire me for swiping office supplies?
11:19 No.
11:20 Phew.
11:23 Some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you.
11:26 This is Garth Trelawney, TV critic.
11:29 Why, you, you made them cancel Platypus Man.
11:32 Homer, this is our theater critic, Daphne Beaumont.
11:37 And the Cosby Mysteries, that show had limitless possibilities.
11:40 Homer, please.
11:42 Sorry.
11:42 Jamie Kilday, farm supply critic.
11:45 Just got back from the Gopher Poison show in Paris.
11:48 Let me tell you something, people. The days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are over.
11:52 For you, perhaps.
11:54 Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews.
11:57 Everything's a rave. Nine thumbs up? What the hell is that?
12:01 I've given out my share of bad reviews. Oh,
12:03 the only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch.
12:07 It lost some points because it had a hot wheel on it.
12:09 Oh, good Lord, man, you're a critic. You don't have to like everything.
12:12 E.g., my latest review.
12:15 We see John Deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers.
12:19 Surprise, surprise, they're green. I say it's time to send John Deere a Dear John.
12:25 Oh, that's classic. You don't have to patronize me.
12:29 Okay.
12:32 Lord, thy daughters, Gonoril, Regan, and Cordelia.
12:38 What is this, merry old England or Petticoat Junction?
12:45 Hey, lighten up, it's a comedy. No, it's not.
12:48 It's not!
12:52 Hmm.
12:53 This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy.
12:58 Dad, that's so mean.
13:00 The other critics told me to be mean, and you should always give in to peer pressure.
13:04 But what if someone bad tells me to... Always.
13:07 Huh?
13:08 Whoa, this material stinks.
13:11 I'm gonna have to punch it up on the fly.
13:12 Oh, I got one. How do you make a King Lear?
13:15 Put the queen in a bikini.
13:18 Here's another one. Knock, knock. Who's there?
13:21 Juliet.
13:22 Juliet who?
13:23 Juliet so much pasta basul, Romeo doesn't want her anymore.
13:30 Tough crowd.
13:32 They're booing Shakespeare.
13:39 Not bad.
13:41 If lasagna is Italian for pile of puke. Ah!
13:45 Ah, chopper, you good!
13:47 Stemenge!
13:48 Well, I hope you cut me better than you did these string beans.
13:52 Hmm.
13:53 I seem to be missing a piece of my ear.
13:56 Touché.
13:58 Who wants pork chops?
14:05 Sorry, Marge.
14:06 I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever.
14:09 Seven thumbs up. You always liked my pork chops.
14:14 Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves.
14:18 Shake and bake.
14:20 You like shake and bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
14:23 People change, Marge. My palate has grown more sophisticated.
14:27 Oh, yeah?
14:28 What's a palate?
14:29 Oh, it's a special time in a boy's life when...
14:35 Gotta go.
14:36 So come to the legless frog if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky
14:42 corpse. P.S. Parking was ample. Dad, you're being cruel for no reason.
14:47 What will people think?
14:48 People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.
14:52 Not anymore.
14:53 I don't want to be partners with a man who thinks like that.
14:56 Nobody talks to me that way. I'm Homer Simpson,
14:59 the most powerful food critic in town who will never get his comeuppance.
15:03 You hear me?
15:04 No comeuppance.
15:07 We'll be right back.
15:10 I don't need Lisa to write a good review.
15:13 The food at the Gilded Truffle really...
15:16 What's a good word?
15:19 Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really...
15:24 Come on, help me out here.
15:26 Ruff! Ruff?
15:27 I don't know. You've been pitching that all night.
15:30 Chewy?
15:32 That's inspired!
15:37 Homer, what gets with this review?
15:39 You say the salad tastes like bark, and the potatoes were very...
15:44 This reads like it was written by a dog.
15:47 Are you crazy? A dog can't type.
15:49 Unfortunately.
15:51 Listen, you gotta shape up.
15:53 Next week is the Taste of Springfield Festival.
15:56 You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town.
15:59 Remember, people have certain expectations about the life ways section.
16:03 Really?
16:04 Like what? Oh, I don't know.
16:07 Astrology, Broomhilda, vacation horror stories,
16:11 articles about chronic fatigue syndrome, you know, chick crap.
16:17 Homer is out of control.
16:18 He gave me a bad review.
16:20 So my friend put a horse ahead on his bed.
16:23 He ate it ahead and gave it a bad review.
16:26 True story.
16:27 Well, I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
16:32 Then why did you put yours in the window?
16:35 It covered up the D from the health inspector.
16:39 Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
16:42 No, that would be imporated.
16:44 I say we kill him. Now, hold on a minute.
16:47 Are we restauranteurs or are we murderers?
16:49 Does that answer your question?
16:54 We'll kill him at the Tasto Springfield Festival.
16:57 We'll give Homer all he can eat till he can eat no more.
17:01 Then he'll get his jars to dessert.
17:06 This will be Omar Simpson's last lagnop.
17:10 Come on, you gonna kill him with the pastry?
17:12 I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.
17:15 This eclair is over one million calories,
17:18 25 pounds of butter per square inch,
17:21 covered with chocolate so dark, light cannot escape its surface.
17:28 No, no, no.
17:29 This is just a picture.
17:31 But Homer Simpson will find the real thing, both delicious and deadly.
17:37 Ah, yes.
17:38 Death by chocolate.
17:41 And poison. I'll stick in some poison.
17:51 Homie, my woman's intuition's acting up.
17:54 Something bad's going to happen if you go in there.
17:57 Oh, Mart, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere.
18:04 Shit!
18:05 Ah!
18:05 A bat!
18:06 Now that's a new one.
18:08 So, what are you up to, young lady? I'm reviewing the festival for our school paper.
18:12 Oh.
18:13 Well, I'm glad to see my ex-partner is doing so well without me.
18:18 Hmm, hmm.
18:40 Pedestrian.
18:43 Uninspired.
18:45 I didn't say stop.
18:48 Lord, ho!
18:50 Tis a good sign.
18:52 Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants.
18:55 Uh, no. He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
18:58 I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweatpants.
19:02 He says the crotch wears out too fast.
19:05 Yarr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares.
19:09 Well, don't worry.
19:10 The giant eclair will knock Homer off the food page and into the
19:16 obituaries.
19:22 Wait a minute.
19:23 They're gonna kill Dad.
19:37 Oh, that's a spicy meatball.
19:40 So if we don't find Dad, this crazy French guy is going to kill him.
19:44 Only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper and wind up the target
19:48 of international assassins.
19:50 We can find him faster by spitting up. You take fried foods, you take salty snacks,
19:55 I'll take desserts.
19:55 Break.
19:58 Oh, so full.
20:02 Bellybutton moving from innie to... Howdy!
20:14 Ooh, that looks scrum diddly doodly duddly.
20:17 Get lost. A rude Frenchman? Well, I never.
20:22 Ooh, sweet.
20:31 Dad, no!
20:35 It's gonna kill you!
20:37 Eh, I've had a good run.
20:40 You... don't!
20:42 Um... It's long fat!
20:46 No!
20:50 Whew, that was close.
20:52 Thank God it landed in that smoking crater.
20:56 Take him into custody, boys.
21:00 Attempted murder one.
21:02 Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles?
21:05 Actually, I was gonna move with some frittatas.
21:07 Ha!
21:08 Lewin is frittatas.
21:13 Oh, he likes eggs. Oh, Lisa, you saved me.
21:17 And after all the bad things I said about you.
21:20 What bad things? Why?
21:22 Oh, Lisa, the important thing is I didn't get my comeuppance, and I never will.
21:31 Uh, Dad?
21:33 I know, honey.
21:35 The important thing is... Run!
21:42 Finally getting my comeuppance!
21:45 Thank you.
22:24 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Lenny Leonard, Mrs. Krabappel, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Lou, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Maude Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Janey Powell, Hans Moleman, Horatio McCallister, Buck-toothed boy, Gloria Prince, Rainier Wolfcastle, Allison Taylor, Sherri and Terri, Gil Gunderson, Luigi Risotto, Akira Kurosawa, Angry Mob, Ann Landers, Daphne Beaumont, French Chef, Mimi, Garth Trelawny, Jamie Killday, Johnny Newspaperseed, Lifeways Editor, Mr. Zörker, Mrs. Zörker

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character