I'm with Cupid

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 14. First aired February 14, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Homer to the Max Marge Simpson in: Screaming Yellow Honkers → The whole episode as text

From “I'm with Cupid”: “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” — No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

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About the episode

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon's long hours at the Kwik-E-Mart strain his marriage, so in the days leading up to Valentine's Day he lavishes Manjula with romantic surprises. His gestures leave Springfield's other husbands looking stingy by comparison, and Homer, Chief Wiggum, Dr. Hibbert and Moe try to sabotage Apu's grand finale. Homer ends up grappling with a skywriter in midair, and Elton John later serenades the couple at the store.

Written by: Dan Greaney
Directed by: Bob Anderson
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel; Jan Hooks as Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon; Elton John
Chalkboard gag: Hillbillies are people too
Couch gag: Inverted Hair
Production code: AABF11

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

367 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:37 Let's go.
1:04 Don't!
1:23 And then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom.
1:29 Really? But the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition.
1:35 So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley.
1:39 That's not a fairy tale. It's just something that happened to you at Moe's.
1:42 Shh!
1:42 Anyway, the prince passed out for 100 years,
1:46 until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.
1:49 And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do,
1:53 which distract attention from stuff I'm doing.
1:55 Amen.
1:56 He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord.
1:58 Good save, Mom. Night. Sweet dreams, honey.
2:02 Um, Mom, will you help me with my project?
2:05 I need to make a working model of the digestive system.
2:09 Of course, honey.
2:10 Thanks. It's due tomorrow.
2:11 Tomorrow?
2:12 Well, that's too bad, mister. I'm not gonna bail you out this time.
2:16 You're right, Mom. I understand.
2:20 All right. I'll get you the materials, but you're building it.
2:24 Okay.
2:26 Oh, I'll make the whole thing.
2:29 Okay, paper mache mix, pipe cleaners, pig intestines,
2:34 and sparkle paint. You're a lifesaver, Appu.
2:38 All the other stores are closed.
2:40 At 11.30?
2:42 But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.
2:47 Whoa, it's a living mirror.
2:51 Cool hat!
2:53 Well, I'm glad you're always here, but isn't that a little rough on your marriage?
2:56 You know, Manjula understands.
2:59 I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerk Waterberg.
3:03 Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner.
3:07 Please do not be insane. You hosted our wedding.
3:10 The least we can do is have you over for dinner.
3:13 It is payback time, and this time, it's personal.
3:21 Wow, that looks great, Mom.
3:24 Some of your best work.
3:26 It sounds so real.
3:28 I didn't turn it on yet.
3:31 Oh, oh, I'm never eating chili again.
3:36 Ooh, chili!
3:46 Nelson, what are you doing?
3:48 I'm solving world hunger.
3:51 Hey, you're wrecking it!
3:55 What the?
3:56 Look out! It's gonna blow!
4:04 I hope you're happy, Nelson.
4:07 Very.
4:07 But I can't help wondering where I go from here.
4:11 Stop worrying, Appu. The Quickie Mart is in good hands.
4:14 I'm not checking up on your son, Jay.
4:16 I am simply asking you how many pennies you have left.
4:20 Seven! I'll be right there. No, he won't.
4:24 Appu's entertaining tonight.
4:26 If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's jar.
4:30 This is why I married you.
4:32 Ooh, what an outfit.
4:34 You are one hot mama.
4:37 You think so? Why could I let you in the store like that because you are smoking?
4:41 Oh, Appu.
4:45 Maybe we should not answer it, huh?
4:49 Door's unlocked. Oh, Marge! Homer!
4:52 Welcome!
4:53 Yes, welcome.
4:54 What a lovely home!
4:56 Oh, you are too kind, Marge.
4:59 I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.
5:04 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
5:06 If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home.
5:11 Well, let us just say we both feel bad. Deal.
5:15 Who is your favorite Indian pop singer?
5:17 Oh, don't make me choose.
5:19 Shankar, Shankar. Oh, here we go.
5:27 You make me feel so young.
5:31 You make me feel so spring sprung.
5:38 Good rice, good curry, good ganday. Let's hurry.
5:44 This is delicious.
5:47 What's in it? Chickpeas, lentils and rice.
5:49 And what's in this?
5:50 Chickpeas and lentils. Try it with rice.
5:53 I'm so glad we were able to get together.
5:56 Well, you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work.
6:00 Oh, yeah. Homer's a real go-getter.
6:04 Yeah, I'm going right to the top.
6:10 What's an elt down?
6:13 I don't understand, Marge. Doesn't Homer work a standard 18-hour day?
6:18 18 hours?
6:20 Nobody works that hard.
6:23 But he does work every day, right?
6:26 Well, pretty much. Except weekends.
6:31 We...cends?
6:32 Uh, say, who's up for a game of Ganeshkinop?
6:35 You told me it was an American tradition to work all the time and never see your wife!
6:40 Yes, perhaps I stretch the truth a bit, but the quickie march, she is a harsh mistress.
6:45 I think you just don't want to see me!
6:47 Maybe we should just close the door.
7:01 Maybe we should leave.
7:02 Uh-uh, no way. I don't want to miss a word.
7:05 You don't know what they're saying.
7:06 I'm picking it up.
7:08 Sala seems to mean jerk, and I think Manjula means some kind of spaceship.
7:14 Uh, this could take a while, folks. Thank you.
7:17 Come again.
7:18 I hope we didn't get Appu in too much trouble.
7:21 Oh, there, Noody Whistle. Just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.
7:26 Oh, dear.
7:28 Hmm.
7:34 Either put that book down or let me drive.
7:40 Hey, they stole our idea.
7:48 I cherish you, my precious.
7:53 To a heck of a blacksmith.
7:55 Ah, I already got him one.
7:58 You're appealing.
7:59 Let's never split.
8:02 That's funny. Curse their monkeys.
8:07 So long, rejects.
8:10 Stupid car.
8:16 Morning, Appu. Still in hot water with the squaw?
8:19 Worse than ever, I am afraid.
8:21 My shameful neglect has made her feel unloved.
8:24 Now I fear she will leave me. Oh,
8:26 she's not going to leave you right before Valentine's Day.
8:29 That'll be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.
8:33 Oh, you are right. There's still seven days before Valentine's.
8:37 Seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula.
8:42 Sweet Manjula.
8:43 I'll be at most.
8:53 Come on, boy. Come on.
8:55 Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him fetch the sundae paper.
9:00 Good dog!
9:01 Good doggy!
9:03 Tax hike approved.
9:05 Bad dog. Bad. Bad dog.
9:09 Now they trim away the fare.
9:10 Outlook?
9:11 Eh.
9:12 Vista?
9:12 No.
9:13 Butlight? Eh. Mosaic?
9:15 Eh. I'd love to look at Scullery Week if you're through with it.
9:18 Oh, sorry, Marge. That's in my stockpile.
9:20 You can have this.
9:21 This is about investment opportunities in Yemen.
9:24 Give me that!
9:26 All right, the personals.
9:28 Hmm.
9:29 Successful mayor type seeks open-minded, discreet cheerleader type.
9:33 Oh, that's sweet.
9:35 Oh, here's one.
9:36 Desperately seeking suction... Hey, look at this one.
9:39 It's a poem.
9:41 From Apu.
9:42 Don't just gasp. Read it. My darling bride Mandrula, I hereby mend my ways.
9:48 I'll shower you with valentines for seven love-filled days.
9:53 Oh, how romantic.
9:55 I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
9:59 The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.
10:02 We sold it, didn't we?
10:05 Whoa, whoa!
10:09 Until last night, I never knew a boo could be so romantic.
10:14 I can't believe it. He covered your whole bed with wildflowers.
10:19 Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.
10:22 Sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.
10:25 And he says I've got six more surprises coming.
10:28 I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield.
10:34 Oh!
10:35 He loves the nightlife. He loves Manjula.
10:38 The man they call a poo.
10:41 Oh, yeah.
10:42 He has trained a bird to sing to me. Limo out front, tickets to opera, front row lows.
10:49 Just once I'd like a parrot to say that to me.
10:53 Then the bird sang I Love the Nightlife with clever new lyrics.
10:58 Yeah, I hate that song. I do too, but it was sweet.
11:01 Women really like that sort of thing, homie.
11:05 Don't worry, honey. I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day.
11:10 It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it?
11:14 Wouldn't you like to know?
11:23 A chocolate husband!
11:26 Oh, how darling!
11:28 Help!
11:29 I can't breathe!
11:32 Oh, a poo!
11:34 Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.
11:37 Air.
11:38 I need air. Oh, my ears are filled with nougat.
11:43 Oh, dear.
11:44 There's a nut in my eye.
11:47 So then the second salesman says, that's okay, I just ate all the hot buttered corn.
11:55 You like that one, baby?
11:58 Sarah, what's wrong?
12:00 Usually after two or three truly tasteless jokes, you're all over me.
12:03 Manjula got to see La Boheme.
12:06 Sarah, please.
12:07 Sarah, it's $10 a pill.
12:09 And so with Valentine's Day one day away,
12:13 all eyes are on the local Romeo whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his
12:19 wife and in-trubulating the rest of us.
12:22 Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counseled a number of disenchanted wives,
12:27 including Maude Flanders.
12:30 Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours.
12:33 See, the problem's communication.
12:35 Too much communication. Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts,
12:41 and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
12:45 But Marge, it's worth it.
12:47 Look, the Taco Bell dog.
12:49 Hey, where'd it go?
12:52 Hey, boy.
12:53 You just don't get it.
13:01 This Valentine's crap has gone too far.
13:05 Oh, Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.
13:08 My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts.
13:12 The gal I'm stalking had me bumped back to 200 feet.
13:16 That's too far.
13:18 And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this?
13:22 Well, I guess we are. I suppose I do take Maude for granted.
13:26 Yeah, I've done some of that myself.
13:28 Will you stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, But it's even easier to blame Appu.
13:34 He's making us look bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:39 What's going on, man?
13:48 Aw, geez, he's got everything but the Shriners.
13:53 Hey, watch it. You're all over the road.
13:56 We gotta stop that traitor, Appu. Yeah!
14:00 Right after happy hour. Yeah!
14:04 Drinking will help us play.
14:12 Come on, Appu. Make your move.
14:15 Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas.
14:18 No, no, not our lover boy. If I know his M.O., he saved the biggest one for today.
14:24 Oh, gee, the man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her.
14:27 How can we sabotage his labor of love? I don't know.
14:30 Gasoline, axes.
14:31 I got some stuff in the trunk.
14:33 Hey, there he goes. Let's roll.
14:38 Uh, Homer, you're driving.
14:39 Not yet I'm not. You'll know when I'm driving, and it'll...
14:45 Tiffany's, eh?
14:46 Yeah, looks like Smoochie's gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.
14:51 Aw, man, he's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates.
14:55 Whoa, whoa, my rope came loose.
14:58 There he is, behind that shopping bag. A croissant.
15:02 What the... Ah, that's right. They have breakfast at Tiffany's now.
15:06 Only till 11.
15:10 So that's it. The crazy nutty went and bought her a sloop.
15:14 Well, this is one love boat that won't delight and amuse.
15:18 Wait, see, if he's not purchasing a boat...
15:21 Yar.
15:22 It's kind of you to deliver these copies of jugs.
15:25 They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality...
15:29 for about ten minutes.
15:31 Ha-ha!
15:33 Look who's talking.
15:35 Yarrr.
15:36 Well, this is turning out to be a total waste of time.
15:39 Not entirely.
15:47 Aw, jeez, we've been following them for hours.
15:50 You know, with all the energy we're putting into this sabotage thing,
15:54 We could have written sonnets for our wives or learned to tango or lovingly restored one
15:59 of those antique...
16:03 Phew!
16:04 Well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair.
16:05 Man, that's smart.
16:09 Oh, baby, we got him now. There's no escape from the airport.
16:13 Oh, nuts, we lost him. I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking.
16:18 Hey, look, it's Elton John.
16:20 We had to make an emergency landing.
16:22 It's that damn chandelier again.
16:25 What's he doing in Springfield?
16:28 I got it, I got it.
16:29 Appu must have hired him to sing for Manjula.
16:32 Not if I can help it. And help it, I might.
16:37 Mr. John, I'm your biggest fan.
16:39 I've tape-recorded all your songs off the radio.
16:42 Oh, that's very sweet.
16:44 Have a Grammy.
16:47 Uh...
16:51 Sir Elton,
16:52 my noble friends and I would like to dub you a knight of the Grand Concourse.
16:58 Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, um, for, uh, you know,
17:03 teaching us, um, to love again.
17:06 Really?
17:06 I did that?
17:07 How the hell should I know? Just get in a cage.
17:10 What?
17:12 Oh, hazing the new guy, eh?
17:14 You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the Queen paddled me silly.
17:18 Hey, our Pooh's talking to a sky rider. So that was his plan all along.
17:22 If he writes a message of love over Springfield, we're all screwed.
17:27 Hello?
17:28 Lads?
17:29 Don't forget your old pal Elton.
17:31 Can anyone hear me?
17:33 Skycap?
17:36 Okay, here is the message. And please don't skimp on the...
17:40 Sarin?
17:43 Don't be frightened.
17:44 That tank's just Peace Corps surplus.
17:47 Not so fast, Apoop. Homer, what a delightful coincidence.
17:51 We're putting an end to your insane Valentine's rampage.
17:55 Never again will good lazy men have to...
17:58 Oh, no, you don't!
18:09 Hey, you with the scarf. Stop skywriting.
18:11 I have to deliver a message. It's the skywriter's code.
18:15 I am so sick of that damn code. If you won't stop,
18:20 then I'll stop you!
18:23 What are you doing?
18:25 Don't do that!
18:29 Oh, wasn't that sweet?
18:33 That must be for Manchula.
18:36 Just once, I'd like a love note in the sky.
18:39 Ha ha ha.
18:42 You crazy fool, you kill us all! Correction.
18:47 Kill us.
18:48 Boom!
18:53 I love you.
18:55 It's an angel.
18:57 Oh, that's Nettie's pet name for me.
19:01 I love you, Poppin' Fresh.
19:05 Oh, Clancy.
19:07 I love you. And, Nicky, it's a little run together, but that's what it says.
19:12 I love you, Cactus?
19:16 Blobby?
19:17 Upsilon?
19:19 Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.
19:24 Doggone it, you ruined my message!
19:27 What's the matter with you crazy old blizzard?
19:29 Get off me!
19:31 You're making me mad!
19:33 Oh, me?
19:33 My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre.
19:38 You think you've got problems?
19:39 I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier.
19:42 Oh, Elton John!
19:44 That's my name.
19:46 Well, not really.
19:47 I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but...
19:51 That maniac nearly killed us. Shall I take you to the pilot?
19:56 You see, because that is your song. I heard you.
20:00 Yes, because someone saved your life tonight.
20:04 Cut it out.
20:05 Well, well, the bitch is back.
20:12 Oh!
20:15 Darn it, why won't you die?
20:20 Brickers!
20:23 Huh?
20:32 What in the world?
20:35 Hey, roses.
20:38 So many roses. Just when I think I have you figured out,
20:42 you fall from the sky with roses.
20:46 Roses?
20:47 Oh, homie. Oh, they're beautiful.
20:52 I'm gonna snuggle your brains out.
20:55 Well, I think I have a collapsed lung, but okay.
21:03 If I was a sculptor,
21:05 but then I can know You are a man
21:11 who makes potions in a traveling show.
21:18 I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do.
21:25 My gift is my song, yeah,
21:29 and this one's from Apu.
21:33 Oh, I can't believe it. You closed the quickie mart just for me.
21:39 Well, you and the health inspector.
21:43 Champagne squishy?
21:44 Oh, thank you.
21:46 It should get you pretty darned hammered.
22:10 Thank you.
22:40 Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Grampa Simpson, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Nelson Muntz, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Lou, Santa's Little Helper, Eddie, Jimbo Jones, Sideshow Mel, Maude Flanders, Horatio McCallister, Bernice Hibbert, Snake, Sarah Wiggum, Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon, Old Jewish Man, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Sherri and Terri, Fantastic Dan, Parrot, Elton John

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character