Realty Bites
The Simpsons, season 9, episode 9. First aired December 7, 1997. 131 moments of about ten seconds each: open one for its frame, what happens and what's said.
← Lisa the Skeptic Miracle on Evergreen Terrace → The whole episode as text
About the episode
Marge starts selling houses for Lionel Hutz at Red Blazer Realty, but pointing out every flaw kills her sales, so under pressure she sells Ned and Maude Flanders a house where murders took place without telling them. Meanwhile, Homer buys Snake's beloved Pontiac Firebird, Lil' Bandit, at a police auction, and Snake escapes from prison to take it back, wrecking the Flanders' new home in the struggle.
- Written by
- Dan Greaney
- Directed by
- Swinton O. Scott III
- Guest stars
- Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz
- Chalkboard gag
There was no Roman god named 'Fartacus'
- Couch gag
- Smeared
- Production code
- 5F06
The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.
Every moment
-
Bart stands at a classroom chalkboard filled with rows of the line "THERE WAS NO ROMAN GOD NAMED 'FARTACUS'"…
0:00–0:12 -
Homer Simpson, Bart and Lisa appear in a sequence set first at the family's garage and driveway, where a pink…
0:12–0:23 -
A retro television set on a pink background shows the title card 'Created by Matt Groening', which changes…
0:23–0:34 -
Homer Simpson lies on the brown couch in his blue pajamas, drinking from a red soda can in a pink living…
“I love these lazy Saturdays. It's Wednesday, Homer.”
0:34–0:45 -
No characters appear in this scene; the Simpson family home stands empty in the daytime, with its brown roof…
“I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing.”
0:45–0:47 -
Homer Simpson lounges barefoot on the brown couch in blue pajamas, a bowl of popcorn balanced on his belly…
“I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing.”
0:47–0:54 -
Homer Simpson lies sprawled on the brown couch in the living room, eating from a pink bowl of popcorn…
“Is this all we're going to do today?”
0:54–1:02 -
Homer Simpson reclines on a brown couch with his arms behind his head, holding a pink bowl of popcorn…
“Absolutely.”
1:02–1:13 -
Marge and Homer sit side by side on the brown couch in the pink living room, Homer holding a pink bowl…
“You know, Homer, I'm starting to realize life is short.”
1:13–1:22 -
Homer Simpson sits on the brown couch holding a pink bowl of popcorn while Marge Simpson stands beside him…
“Otherwise, we could wake up one day and realize we've wasted our whole lives.”
1:22–1:31 -
Marge Simpson sits on a brown couch in a pink room, first looking sideways with heavy-lidded eyes…
“Hehehehe.”
1:31–1:43 -
Marge Simpson sits reading a Springfield travel book while Homer Simpson reclines on the brown couch…
“Ooh!”
1:43–1:56 -
Homer and Marge stand together by a window with a turntable and stereo beside them and a wooden fence outside
“Open a window.”
1:56–2:07 -
Marge Simpson and Homer stand by a chain-link fence beside a sign reading "POLICE SEIZED-PROPERTY AUCTION,"…
“The police auction?”
2:07–2:18 -
Homer Simpson and Marge Simpson stand together at a fenced area with a counter of seized goods behind them
“Look at all this seized booty. We could find the drug boat of our dreams.”
2:18–2:29 -
Chief Wiggum stands behind a wooden podium in front of an ornate black wrought-iron gate with a sign…
“Listen up.”
2:29–2:43 -
Mr. Burns sits on a folding chair beside Carl, who raises his hand in a tan suit, and an unnamed red-haired…
“Juan kilo!”
2:43–2:53 -
Police Chief Wiggum stands at a wooden podium, then pulls a white sheet off a red convertible with a coiled…
“Next item up for beds?”
2:53–3:05 -
Troy McClure watches from the foreground as Chief Wiggum runs an auction at a wooden podium before a row…
“Oh, I will totally kill whoever buys Lil' Bandit.”
3:05–3:15 -
Marge wears a wide straw hat with a pink flower, a pink dress and pearl necklace, and stands beside a red…
“You bought a car without consulting me?”
3:15–3:26 -
Marge and Homer ride in a red convertible on a city street
“You got yours. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.”
3:26–3:38 -
Marge Simpson and Homer Simpson ride in a red convertible with the license plate GR8 68 that Homer drives…
“Oh, yeah, you gotta be careful when you do a trick like this.”
3:38–3:50 -
Marge Simpson walks along a suburban street past houses, then stops in front of a pink house with a purple…
“Okay, bye. I love you.”
3:50–4:01 -
Marge Simpson stands in front of a house beside a For Sale sign reading "Lionel Hutz" while a man in a red…
“You know, if you lived here, you'd be home by now.”
4:01–4:11 -
Marge Simpson stands in a front yard beside a man in a red suit, white shirt and red tie with reddish hair…
“You see, the law business is a little slow,”
4:11–4:21 -
Marge Simpson stands beside a For Sale sign reading Lionel Hutz while a man in a red blazer and red tie talks…
“Yes, the money is good. But the beauty is you get to stay in the house until it's sold.”
4:21–4:32 -
Moe stands beside a red convertible with a snake decal outside Moe's, while Homer sits at the wheel…
“Gee, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday.”
4:32–4:43 -
Homer Simpson reclines in a grey car seat and talks, eyes half-lidded and mouth open, while Moe leans…
“What is that, a six-barrel holly carb? You betcha.”
4:43–4:54 -
Marge Simpson reads a book titled Real Estate Law while sitting at the family dining table, where Homer…
“Selling real estate could be just what I'm looking for.”
4:54–5:07 -
Marge Simpson reads aloud from a book titled Real Estate Law at the dinner table while Bart and Lisa listen…
“Don't worry, Mom. We'll help you study.”
5:07–5:18 -
Bart stands beside Lisa, who wears a wide white hat with a pink bow, a pearl necklace, white gloves and pink…
“So, you're married, and you're looking for your first house, Mr.”
5:18–5:31 -
Marge Simpson stands in the pink living room in a green dress, holding a book titled Real Estate Law…
“Not in my damn house. Well, this neighborhood is Zoned R3,”
5:31–5:41 -
Bart stands in a pink living room with a red lamp, a framed portrait of Maggie, and a dark red couch…
“Oh... I'll never memorize all this.”
5:41–5:45 -
Lisa Simpson stands in a pink room with a teal floor, wearing a white wide-brimmed hat with a pink bow…
“When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song.”
5:45–5:56 -
Bart, Marge, and Lisa stand in the Simpsons' pink living room in front of a brick fireplace with a wooden log…
“We should have lived together first.”
5:56–6:08 -
Marge Simpson, Grampa, Milhouse with blue hair and glasses, and two other students sit at desks…
“You're all nuts.”
6:08–6:21 -
A wall timer with a dial marked in minutes sits on a brown desk against a dark background, then Principal…
“Time's up.”
6:21–6:32 -
Lisa Simpson cheers with arms raised in the pink living room beside a shelf and stereo, then stands with Bart…
“Yay!”
6:32–6:43 -
Bart stands beside a green-dressed figure, then Homer sits on a brown couch holding a can under a red lamp…
“You didn't do anything.”
6:43–6:54 -
Marge Simpson stands beside a man with reddish hair in a red blazer and pink tie, and a grey-haired man…
“There's over 50 years of real estate experience right in this room.”
6:54–7:02 -
Marge stands in an office with framed landscape pictures and a purple filing unit, gripping hands…
“You got any leads? I need some leads. Please help me.”
7:02–7:10 -
Marge stands in an office beside a man in a red blazer and tie while a black-haired woman in a red jacket…
“That's Cookie Quan.”
7:10–7:20 -
A dark-haired man in a red blazer, blue tie and headset sits at a desk in an office with a corkboard of house…
“A headset telephone?”
7:20–7:30 -
Marge Simpson applauds alongside a group of red-sweatered townspeople in a meeting room with a bell…
“I've been working on the Whitman Place for 21 years.”
7:30–7:35 -
Marge Simpson stands in an office beside a man with reddish hair in a red blazer and red tie, who holds up…
“And now, Marge, I'd like to welcome you to the family with your very own red blazer.”
7:35–7:47 -
Troy McClure and a thin balding older man in matching red jackets grin beside a brown door marked CONFERENCE…
“Thank you. Thank you, everybody.”
7:47–7:56 -
Marge Simpson stands in a office before a desk with an "M. SIMPSON" nameplate, a corkboard and a wall bell…
“I'm going to do my darndest to uphold the principles and ideals this jacket”
7:56–8:03 -
Two men in matching red jackets stand by a brown door labeled "L. HUTZ": a black-haired man in a blue tie…
“I give her a week. Are you guys talking about the West Side?”
8:03–8:14 -
Homer drives a red convertible with Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back, and Bart and Lisa are first…
“Whoa, yeah!”
8:14–8:23 -
Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie sit in a red convertible driving down a street past shops, with Marge's…
“There it is!”
8:23–8:35 -
Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie sit crammed together in a red car, with Homer at the steering wheel…
“I thought so too.”
8:35–8:45 -
Marge Simpson stands on a wooden porch in front of a brown house and talks with a dark-haired man in a light…
“Excuse me, Mr. Sislak. Have you ever considered selling your home?”
8:45–8:56 -
Marge Simpson in her red jacket and green skirt, holding a folder, stands with Moe, a grey-haired man…
“Well, I am. Let me have that card.”
8:56–9:04 -
Marge reads from a sheet of paper in a narrow kitchen lined with hanging pots and pans, while Carl stands…
“And here we have a lovely gourmet kitchen with gas range,”
9:04–9:15 -
Marge Simpson stands in a kitchen beside a window and a sink in the first frames, then in later frames…
“Why, yes, it is. Well, I suppose we could get used to it.”
9:15–9:26 -
Carl stands beside a white refrigerator in a kitchen with purple walls, first gazing sideways…
“Really?”
9:26–9:33 -
A heavyset Black man in an orange and brown striped sweater stands beside a woman with a puffy brown hairdo…
“If you ever need a prescription, no questions asked.”
9:33–9:43 -
Marge Simpson stands in a pink room with a teal couch and a framed abstract picture of bones, holding a sheet…
“Good shot, Barbara.”
9:43–9:55 -
Marge Simpson stands in a pink room beside a teal sofa and an abstract painting, first with eyes half-closed…
“Oh.”
9:55–10:05 -
A teal-haired woman with white bone-shaped ornaments in her hair laughs heartily beside a 'Bless This Mess'…
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
10:05–10:17 -
Homer drives a red convertible with a thin, brown-haired passenger in a blue jacket and purple shirt…
“Come on, it'll be fun.”
10:17–10:29 -
A red convertible with a passenger drives along a city street past a prison yard enclosed by chain-link fence…
“Whoa, that's Lil' Bandit. And she's in pain.”
10:29–10:31 -
Troy McClure strains to press a barbell overhead in a chain-link prison yard, then lowers it and steps away…
“Whoa, that's Lil' Bandit. And she's in pain.”
10:31–10:44 -
A prisoner with swept-back reddish hair, stubble and a blue uniform marked 7F 20 storms along a prison yard…
“Stop!”
10:44–10:55 -
A man with reddish hair in a blue shirt and light blue pants first stands on an empty city street, gesturing…
“Premium!”
10:55–11:05 -
Marge Simpson sits at a desk in a real estate office while a man with swept-back reddish hair, a red blazer…
“Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.”
11:05–11:19 -
Marge Simpson sits at a desk beside a man in a matching red jacket, white shirt and magenta tie…
“But all I did was tell the truth.”
11:19–11:31 -
Marge Simpson and Troy McClure sit side by side at a real estate desk
“It's awfully small.”
11:31–11:43 -
Marge sits beside a man with reddish swept-back hair in a red jacket and tie at a real estate office desk…
“That's a beauty.”
11:43–11:54 -
Marge Simpson sits at a desk with an M. SIMPSON nameplate across from a man with swept-back reddish hair…
“Mrs. Astor was very lucky. Well, no one expects you to sell that house.”
11:54–12:08 -
Marge, Homer, Bart and Lisa appear, starting with Marge in a red jacket and red beads beside a corkboard…
“I thought I'd do anything to succeed in business, but bending the truth, I don't know.”
12:08–12:19 -
Homer sits at the kitchen table cutting and eating a piece of meat with a fork and knife, then looks up…
“Yeah, honey. Even if you don't succeed in the business world,”
12:19–12:33 -
Homer sits at the dining table with Maggie in her high chair at the left while Bart and Lisa eat beside him…
“Mm-hmm.”
12:33–12:39 -
Homer sits at the kitchen table in the first frames, then stands and grins while Bart in an orange shirt…
“Kids, your mother's under a lot of pressure.”
12:39–12:49 -
Marge Simpson walks along a sidewalk beside Ned Flanders in a green sweater and glasses and a woman…
“Hmm... The first house I have to show you is, um...”
12:49–13:02 -
Ned Flanders and a woman with a big orange curly hairdo and a pink vest stand on a sidewalk in front…
“Well, nothing's perfect. I sure hate to make you come out here and not buy a house.”
13:02–13:13 -
Marge Simpson stands with Ned Flanders in his green sweater and an unnamed woman with orange curly hair…
“Well, there it is.”
13:13–13:25 -
Ned Flanders stands in a kitchen beside a woman with bouncy orange-red hair and a pink vest, holding a small…
“I guess it is sort of cute. But small.”
13:25–13:36 -
Marge Simpson stands on a sidewalk beside Ned Flanders in a green sweater and glasses and an unnamed woman…
“Well, that about does it for houses in this area.”
13:36–13:46 -
Marge Simpson stands outside a brick house beside Ned Flanders, who wears a moustache, glasses and a green…
“Ooh, that's a dilly.”
13:46–13:58 -
Ned Flanders stands holding a sheet of paper beside Marge, who wears a red top and has her tall blue beehive…
“Oh, my diddly-eye.”
13:58–14:10 -
Ned Flanders stands in a doorway talking to Marge Simpson, who has a tall blue beehive and wears a red jacket…
“Well, I'm just gonna spill my guts. I love it to death.”
14:10–14:22 -
Marge Simpson stands in a doorway beside a curtain while a brown-haired man in a doorway peers…
“There's the truth and the truth.”
14:22–14:34 -
Marge Simpson stands in a doorway beside a purple curtain, facing Ned Flanders, who has a moustache, glasses…
“Well, Marge?”
14:34–14:46 -
Ned Flanders and Marge Simpson stand in a hallway with a wooden floor and a brown door, while a woman…
“That's good enough for me.”
14:46–14:55 -
Marge Simpson stands beside a brown door marked "Hutz" under a "Sale Bell" sign while a man in a matching red…
“Attention.”
14:55–15:07 -
Marge Simpson stands in a red-jacketed group in an office with a telephone on a desk
“The murder house. Wow, now that sucks.”
15:07–15:18 -
Marge stands at the left edge facing a balding man with grey hair at the sides, a white shirt and a black…
“What'd you use, Marge, huh? The old buff and bluff, the Hail Murray,”
15:18–15:25 -
Marge Simpson stands beside a grey-haired man in a white shirt at a brown door labeled HUTZ, gesturing…
“No, no, no tricks.”
15:25–15:36 -
Marge Simpson stands in the center of a room with a bell on the wall and a brown door labeled L. HUTZ…
“Look,”
15:36–15:44 -
Marge Simpson stands with a red-haired man in a matching red blazer beside a door marked "L.HU"…
“Well, whatever happens, as our newest closer,”
15:44–15:57 -
Troy McClure confronts a grey-haired man in a white shirt and dark tie in an office with file cabinets…
“Don't push your luck, pal. You're hanging on by a thread.”
15:57–16:07 -
A grinning man with swept-back reddish hair, a hoop earring, a blue vest over a grey shirt, and a green snake…
“Okay, Baldy Boy hits wire, head comes off,”
16:07–16:19 -
Homer Simpson drives a red convertible with a green snake decal along a winding road past green hills…
“Man, the air feels good on my neck.”
16:19–16:29 -
Homer Simpson drives a red convertible along a country road past a large tree while a man in a blue denim…
“Oh, gumbo!”
16:29–16:39 -
Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie stand in front of their house, and Homer gestures and then grins…
“I told that idiot to slice my sandwich!”
16:39–16:49 -
Ned Flanders stands on a suburban street beside a U-Break-It Rental moving truck, first hauling at its rear…
“Well, neighborinos, I guess this is goodbye.”
16:49–16:57 -
Ned Flanders and Homer stand talking outside a house beside a wooden fence and a pink front door…
“Yeah, me too. Let me know if you need any help.”
16:57–17:06 -
Marge Simpson and Ned Flanders stand outside a pink house with an arched red door and a wooden fence
“If the slightest thing goes wrong with that house, I want you to call me right away.”
17:06–17:15 -
Ned Flanders talks with Marge, whose tall blue beehive and red beads are visible, in front of pink houses
“Oh, you're sweet to offer, but we're all just so tired,”
17:15–17:26 -
Homer stands on a driveway before a pink house with a purple door and awning and a red garage door…
“Oh, that old Flanders place gives me the creeps.”
17:26–17:36 -
Homer and Nelson and Nelson grabs the steering wheel and glares while Homer gapes in alarm
“I live on the second floor.”
17:36–17:47 -
Homer rides in a red convertible beside a man with swept-back reddish hair, possibly Troy McClure, as the two…
17:47–17:54 -
A white cartoon dove with an olive branch flies against a blue background, then turns into a teary dove…
“You've got to tell them the truth, Marge!”
17:54–18:05 -
Marge Simpson stands on a porch beside a purple door and walks up to it, then reaches out and presses a grey…
“Hello?”
18:05–18:17 -
Marge Simpson stands in an arched doorway, looks startled, then tumbles backward off a wooden platform…
“Oh, hi, Marge.”
18:17–18:24 -
Ned Flanders and Marge Simpson stand in a doorway between a purple curtain and pink and teal walls
“Guess we gave you quite a start. We were painting Todd's room red.”
18:24–18:37 -
Ned Flanders in a blood-spattered green sweater and glasses stands with a woman with orange curly hair…
“Well, I'm just glad you're okay.”
18:37–18:47 -
Homer and Nelson ride in a red convertible with a snake decal and a GR8 plate along an empty two-lane road…
“Stop it!”
18:47–18:58 -
Homer and a stubble-faced man with swept reddish-brown hair and a blue denim jacket struggle around a red…
18:58–19:09 -
Homer Simpson struggles with a brown-haired man in a blue jacket and grey shirt on the hood of a bright red…
“This is so dangerous.”
19:09–19:23 -
Chief Wiggum sits in a white police car marked 911 on a rural road beside a tall cornfield, speaking…
“What the...”
19:23–19:36 -
Ned Flanders stands with a woman in a blood-stained pink outfit and curly auburn hair, facing Marge Simpson…
“Mm-hmm.”
19:36–19:48 -
Ned Flanders steps out of a dim pantry lined with jars and shelves onto a checkered floor, while Marge…
“And this is the butler's pantry where Mrs.”
19:48–20:00 -
In a wood-floored room with a fireplace on the left, a bloodied child with curly reddish-brown hair in a blue…
“Look, Daddy, I'm the jealous jockey.”
20:00–20:05 -
Ned Flanders stands in a doorway beside a woman with an auburn bob in a blood-spattered pink sweater…
“I'm glad you're not mad, but I lied to you.”
20:05–20:18 -
Ned Flanders, Marge with her tall blue beehive, and two curly-haired women and a child stand splattered…
“Uh,”
20:18–20:31 -
Ned Flanders kneels in a brown-walled room beside Marge with her tall blue beehive, a curly-haired…
“Marge?”
20:31–20:40 -
Homer and Chief Wiggum sit and stand among a heap of cardboard boxes and rolled green-patterned bedding…
“Oh, wow. Lucky thing we landed on this bubble raft.”
20:40–20:49 -
Marge Simpson first stands in a hallway holding nothing while a man with reddish hair in a red jacket, not…
“A smashed hot rod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house.”
20:49–21:01 -
Marge Simpson sits at a desk across from a man in a red blazer and pink tie, whose desk nameplate reads…
“I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people.”
21:01–21:14 -
Marge Simpson stands in the front of a pink car while Lisa and Bart lean over the back seat…
“Well, I'm proud of you, Mom. You refused to compromise your integrity.”
21:14–21:27 -
Inside a purple car, Homer Simpson drives with his hands on the steering wheel while Marge Simpson sits…
“Oh, you will, honey.”
21:27–21:32 -
Marge Simpson stands at a counter holding a small white card while talking to a blonde woman with a ponytail…
“$300 for doing nothing?”
21:32–21:42 -
Marge stands at a counter holding a small card beside a thin, stooped old man with glasses and grey hair…
“Don't worry.”
21:42–21:51 -
Marge, Homer, Bart and Lisa stand behind a counter in a room with a bulletin board and blinds, with a bald…
21:51–22:00 -
No Simpsons characters appear in this sequence; it is a black title card sequence of credits in gold lettering
22:00–22:10 -
No characters appear in this sequence of black frames from the end credits of a Simpsons episode
22:10–22:19 -
The scene is a black end-credits screen with gold text that changes across the moment, first naming Animation…
“Here you go.”
22:19–22:29 -
No Simpsons characters appear in these frames; the moment is the black end-credits sequence of a Simpsons…
“Here you go.”
22:29–22:38 -
Silhouetted audience members, including one figure with a big bushy hairdo at the left, sit in rows of seats…
“Shhh!”
22:38–22:50
Who's in it
Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Jasper Beardsley, Todd Flanders, Jimbo Jones, Rod Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Sideshow Mel, Maude Flanders, Helen Lovejoy, Kirk Van Houten, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Horatio McCallister, Bernice Hibbert, Snake, Gareth Prince, Lionel Hutz, Gil Gunderson, Lurleen Lumpkin, George H. W. Bush, Barbara Van Horne, Cookie Kwan, Larry Burns, Auctioneer, Johnny D, Test Administrator
Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character