Simpsons Bible Stories

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 18. First aired April 4, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Maximum Homerdrive Mom and Pop Art → The whole episode as text

From “Simpsons Bible Stories”: “Adam, say something.” — Adam, say something.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

Dozing through Reverend Lovejoy's sermon on a sweltering Easter Sunday, Marge, Lisa, Homer and Bart each dream a Bible story. Marge pictures herself and Homer as Eve and Adam, Lisa and Milhouse lead the Hebrew slaves out of Principal Skinner's Egypt, Homer rules as King Solomon, and Bart's King David battles Nelson as Goliath II. The family wakes to find the Rapture underway and heads down to Hell.

Written by: Tim Long; Larry Doyle; Matt Selman
Directed by: Nancy Kruse
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabapatra
Chalkboard gag: I can not absolve sins
Couch gag: Banana Peel
Production code: AABF14

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

320 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:55 Oh, my God.
1:24 And as we pass the collection plate,
1:27 please give as though the person next to you were watching.
1:32 Oh, man, this is the hottest Easter ever.
1:35 Even that praying mantis is losing it.
1:41 Thank you, Helen.
1:42 And thank you all for your kind contrib...
1:45 Ah!
1:46 Chocolate money?
1:48 Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate?
1:52 Relax, I found it in the dumpster. Perhaps we need a hefty dose of the good book.
2:00 In the beginning...
2:02 Excuse me, Reverend.
2:03 It's hard to hear you with those fans going.
2:06 Well, let's get those off, then.
2:08 Oh!
2:09 In the beginning,
2:11 God created the heavens and the earth,
2:15 which brings us back to our...
2:31 What a beautiful garden.
2:34 It's almost like paradise.
2:36 Heads up!
2:38 Whee!
2:43 Well, hello.
2:45 Aren't you hurt?
2:47 Course not. There's no pain in the Garden of Eden.
2:49 Hey, you must be Eve.
2:52 Oh, I guess.
2:54 Looks like God made you out of my sexiest rib.
2:58 Speaking of ribs, Is there any grub around here?
3:01 Is there? Good morning, Adam. Any bacon for you, then?
3:05 Don't mind if I do.
3:09 Hi, diddly-ho, paradise dweller.
3:11 Good morning, Lord. I just have to compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate.
3:17 Oh, Adam, you're too kind. No, you're too kind and wise and righteous.
3:21 I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.
3:23 Oh, please. You're gonna give me a swell head.
3:26 I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.
3:28 Well, some general interest magazines would be nice.
3:31 You got it, Eve.
3:33 There you go. Oh, thanks.
3:35 Well, I better skedaddle.
3:37 Oh, there's one more weetsy little thing.
3:39 See that tree over there?
3:41 I hate to be a bossy Betty, but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
3:45 No problem, Lord.
3:46 And it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives.
3:51 Just saying.
3:53 Oh, how cute.
3:54 Let's call this little guy a groundhog. Sorry, I already gave me a name.
3:58 Land monster.
3:59 Really?
4:00 What do you call that thing on the branch?
4:04 Branch monster.
4:05 Please, please, call me Snake.
4:07 Yo, have you dude sampled this fruit? It's like God's private stash.
4:12 But he said it was forbidden.
4:14 Quite so, Mum. I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite, and, well,
4:18 that was the last of... Eegad!
4:22 All right.
4:25 Please stop eating that. God's going to be furious.
4:28 You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.
4:30 You know what would loosen you up? A little fruit.
4:33 Well, it is a sin to waste food.
4:37 And he keeps saying we need to do things together.
4:40 Hmm.
4:42 Mmm.
4:43 This could really spice up those pies I've been making.
4:47 What the dickens?
4:49 Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit?
4:54 Yes, God.
4:58 Doggone it, Eve, I think you'd better hightail it out of this garden.
5:01 Adam, say something.
5:03 Um, um, I think we should see other people.
5:07 You heard me, famose.
5:17 Oh, usually a mink massage makes me feel better, but something's missing now.
5:23 I didn't say stop.
5:25 Lovely day in paradise, isn't it?
5:28 Yeah, just like yesterday.
5:30 Today I'm featuring mouth-watering pork ribs.
5:33 Tuck in, then.
5:36 Oh, I gave a rib to Eve, and now she's gone forever.
5:40 One whole rib and still standing, or aren't you the plucky one, sir?
5:43 Come on.
5:45 Oh, poor Eve.
5:47 What are you doing out there in that horrible place?
5:49 I'm toiling. What does it look like?
5:52 This is my fault. I should have stood up for you during that whole Applegate thing.
5:56 It's a little late for apologies now.
5:58 Don't say that.
6:00 Maybe I can sneak you back in. I mean, God can't be everywhere at once, right?
6:09 Somebody order a hole? Ooh, that's a tight squeeze.
6:14 Oh, thank you.
6:16 Are you okay?
6:17 I'll be fine.
6:18 Just give me a second to...
6:22 Come on, Eve, hurry!
6:27 Oh, my dear, sweet Eve.
6:30 I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush.
6:35 So, this is how you repay me, Adam.
6:39 And after I created my fingers to the bone for you, I...
6:43 Ah, my unicorn!
6:46 Oh, what have they done to you, Gary?
6:49 Oh, there, there. I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord.
6:53 Oh, shut up!
6:55 You are so banished! Hey, now, let's not do anything rash.
6:59 God is love, right?
7:02 God, you have every right to flick me out too, but before you...
7:07 Oh, my back!
7:09 So this must be that pain thing.
7:12 Oh!
7:12 Oh yeah, definitely pain.
7:20 This sucks.
7:21 Things were so much better back in the garden.
7:24 I'm sure God will let us return soon. I mean, how long can he hold a grudge?
7:30 Forever and ever.
7:35 And ever and...
7:39 And that concludes Genesis,
7:42 the first of the 66 books of the Bible.
7:46 Moving on to Exodus.
7:57 And Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob,
8:01 and who did he begat?
8:04 All right, let's go, you easy lights.
8:08 Back to sleeping.
8:17 Man, captivity blows.
8:19 Talk to the whip.
8:24 On your knees, you muds. It's the Pharaoh.
8:30 Excellent progress, slave driver Willie.
8:32 Kudos on your whipping. He noticed.
8:36 Suffering sarcophagus, my tomb.
8:39 Who did this?
8:41 Come on, confess.
8:43 Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again.
8:46 Bart did it. I saw him do it.
8:50 Take him away, boys.
8:53 No, the bush set me up.
8:55 As for the rest of you, it's time for a little discipline.
8:59 Slave driver, put away the encouragement whip, and break out the cruel whip.
9:10 That's the new Omni-lash, boys.
9:12 Just look at that snapback.
9:14 Yeah, sweet.
9:15 We can't keep living like this. Moses, ask Pharaoh to let your people go.
9:20 Oh, now they're my people.
9:25 Scrap harder, slave.
9:27 I want to be able to eat off that thing.
9:29 And make it snappy.
9:31 It's almost lunchtime.
9:34 Excuse me, uh, Pharaoh? I think Moses here has something to ask you.
9:38 Go.
9:39 Let me people go. Let your people go?
9:43 I've never heard such insolence. You call yourselves slaves?
9:51 Well, the ball's in his court now.
9:56 All right, read me banked what I have so far, Mrs.
9:58 Crabapatra. Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird.
10:02 Mm-hmm, very good.
10:04 Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head.
10:08 Guy doing this.
10:11 What the?
10:13 Keep that place coming, Moses. Frogs away!
10:18 We spent all our money, but it was worth it.
10:21 Now he's gotta let us go.
10:23 Mmm.
10:25 These are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten.
10:29 Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.
10:32 It's a plague, you moron. And we got lots more planned.
10:35 And there's nothing you can do about it.
10:40 So long, kids.
10:42 Give my regards to the British Museum.
10:44 Ha-ha-ha!
10:50 Do you think we could ever be more than just friends?
10:54 Not now, Moses.
10:56 We gotta find a way outta here!
11:04 I know we built a secret passage in here somewhere.
11:07 I found it!
11:08 We're outta here!
11:13 Uh-oh.
11:20 Eh, slave labor, you get what you pay for.
11:36 Our time has come! Follow me to freedom!
11:46 Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pine slaves are exodus-ing as we speak.
11:50 Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
11:53 Okay, but who's gonna build your pyramids?
11:56 Well, we could... After them!
12:00 We'll never be able to swim that far.
12:05 Oy, caramba!
12:07 Screw this! I'm converting! Save us, almighty Ra!
12:11 Hey, cut that out. I have an idea.
12:14 All right, Moses.
12:15 Lead your people.
12:19 Flush!
12:28 It's a miracle!
12:30 I performed a miracle!
12:31 I'm a genius!
12:33 Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone. We don't have much time.
12:38 After the men, into the temporarily dry sea.
12:47 Ah, nuts.
12:58 Chief, he splashed me. Look, nobody likes a crybaby, OK?
13:02 You just splash him back.
13:08 Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt.
13:11 So, what's next for the Israelites?
13:13 Land of milk and honey?
13:14 Hmm, well, actually, it looks like we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert.
13:19 40 years?
13:22 But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?
13:26 Uh-huh, more or less. Hey, is that manna?
13:29 Yay!
13:31 Hooray!
13:32 Woo-hoo!
13:38 Now we come to King Solomon, whose wisdom was like a drill.
13:43 Boring into the rock of injustice.
13:46 Boring.
13:56 King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute.
14:00 They each claim ownership of this pie.
14:06 The pie shall be cut in two.
14:10 Then each man shall receive death.
14:15 I'll eat the pie.
14:19 Okay, next up, Jesus Christ versus checkered chariot.
14:33 Dad, you're sitting on my arm.
14:36 And after David smote Goliath,
14:39 the people crowded into the temple where a cool breeze blew not,
14:44 and their hearts were filled with crankiness.
14:48 And once again, tithing in.
14:54 I'm bored. Send in my jester.
14:57 Hey, hey, King David.
14:59 How you doing?
15:01 Now, I'm not saying Jezebel's easy. But before she moved to Sodom,
15:05 it was known for its pottery.
15:08 What else you got? Wait a minute.
15:10 I got something on the Canaanites.
15:13 They're so stupid.
15:22 Methuselah, my oldest friend, who did this to you?
15:26 It was Goliath.
15:29 But Goliath is dead. I smote him myself.
15:32 I smoted him good.
15:34 No, it was his son, Goliath II.
15:38 No!
15:41 Goliath II is gonna pay.
15:43 And this time, it's biblical.
15:57 I'll just give Goliath II the old rock to the head.
16:00 applause, applause, you gotta believe in yourself, stay in school, and we're out of here.
16:04 I don't know, Davey.
16:06 Quiet, you.
16:07 Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.
16:14 Let's get it on.
16:16 See you later, Davey.
16:18 You killed my best friend.
16:22 You killed my father, who was like a best friend.
16:26 Woo-hoo!
16:28 All I need is my trusty sling and one good hard...
16:32 Um, say, how's tomorrow for you?
16:44 What say you now, Goliath? Without your precious hair,
16:48 you no longer possess your fantastic strength.
16:51 That's Samson, idiot.
17:00 Let my proclamation go out across the land!
17:07 Oh,
17:10 hope this doesn't get into the Bible.
17:13 King David, I love you because you kill people.
17:17 Get yourself another hero, kid.
17:19 I'm all washed up.
17:21 Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.
17:33 Goliath 2 is really gonna pay. Get ready to meet the first action hero.
17:40 Wow.
17:56 Alright, it's giant slaying time.
18:04 Oops.
18:08 Oh, crap.
18:15 How am I supposed to get up there?
18:28 Jonah!
18:30 Oh, you died the way you lived. Inside a whale.
18:38 Hmm.
18:46 I trampled four giant slayers today.
18:50 I think I earned this.
18:52 Don't you know smoking stunts your growth?
18:55 Well, well, well, if it isn't the little prince.
18:58 I'm not afraid of you, Goliath. Before I was arrogant,
19:01 but now my heart is humble and my spirit is...
19:07 What do you know? A king fit for a meal.
19:13 Hope I don't give you... Heartburn!
19:32 Great news, everyone!
19:33 Goliath is dead!
19:35 Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me surely killed a giant.
19:40 Anywho, now that I'm your king again...
19:45 Ah!
19:55 Ralph, I thought you were dead.
19:57 Nope.
19:59 Rejoice, good people.
20:00 Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more.
20:03 But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.
20:06 What?
20:07 He built roads, hospitals, libraries. To us,
20:11 he was Goliath the consensus builder.
20:14 You're under arrest for mega size.
20:20 Where's your messiah now?
20:44 Everyone's gone.
20:45 Oh, how embarrassing.
20:47 Ooh, we slept right through church.
20:50 Eh, not the end of the world.
21:02 Oh, no, it's the apocalypse.
21:05 But, are you wearing clean underwear?
21:08 Not anymore.
21:09 It's the rapture, and I never knew true love.
21:12 I never used those pizza coupons.
21:21 Why aren't we ascending into heaven?
21:24 Oh, right.
21:26 The sins.
21:29 Where do you think you're going, missy? Dad!
21:37 Oh, I smell barbecue!
21:40 Hey, look!
21:44 There are the hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it!
21:51 German potato salad!
21:53 I'm on the highway to hell On the
21:58 highway to hell
22:02 Highway to hell On the highway
22:07 to hell
22:12 No stop signs, speed limit
22:17 Nobody's gonna slow me down Like a wheel
22:22 gonna spin me
22:26 Nobody's gonna mess me around Hey,
22:30 Sasha, pay my dues
22:34 Paying in a rocking band Hey,
22:38 mama, I've got me Shh.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Barney Gumble, Milhouse Van Houten, Krusty the Clown, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Chief Wiggum, Grampa Simpson, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Otto Mann, Nelson Muntz, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Groundskeeper Willie, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Lou, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Eddie, Wendell Borton, Richard, Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders, Maude Flanders, Helen Lovejoy, Sherri Mackleberry, Terri Mackleberry, Kirk Van Houten, Nina Skalka, Hans Moleman, Janey Powell, Professor Frink, Adrian Belew, Agnes Skinner, Snake, Becky Shorter, Sophie Jensen, Buck-toothed boy, Dr. Nick, Girl with glasses, Long-haired girl, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Buck-toothed girl, Black Weasel, Allison Taylor, God, The Devil, Moses, Adam, Eve, Jesus Christ, Methuselah, David, Gary the Unicorn, Goliath, King Ramses, Mrs. Krabapatra, Pharaoh's Officer, Pig of Eden, Ralph, Slave-Driver Willie, Solomon

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character