Maximum Homerdrive

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 17. First aired March 28, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Make Room for Lisa Simpsons Bible Stories → The whole episode as text

From “Maximum Homerdrive”: “but I reckon I could take you to school.” — but I reckon I could take you to school.

Caption it, or make a GIF

About the episode

At The Slaughterhouse steakhouse, Homer races trucker Red Barclay to finish a 16-pound steak, and Red wins, only to drop dead soon after. Homer and Bart take over Red's cross-country delivery and discover the rig can drive itself, a secret the truckers protect, so when Homer blabs it, they come after him. Back home, Marge and Lisa's new doorbell, which plays the Carpenters' "Close to You", won't stop ringing.

Written by: John Swartzwelder
Directed by: Swinton O. Scott III
Chalkboard gag: It does not suck to be you
Couch gag: Inverted Age
Production code: AABF13

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

355 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:29 I'll give you a tetanus shot and shove it.
1:31 Well, you told her, Dad.
1:33 You better... delete my... good...
1:39 Gah!
1:40 You still haven't told us why Lenny bit you.
1:42 Well, I really gave no choice, you see.
1:45 Lousy meat-eating scum.
1:47 Huh?
1:48 Not you.
1:51 I'm going over to protest this disgusting new restaurant called The Slaughterhouse.
1:54 It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood.
1:59 Oh, I heard about that place on the Red Grocer.
2:02 The worst part is you pick out your own cow and they kill it right in front of you.
2:07 Well, maybe the animals don't mind, honey.
2:10 They might enjoy being the center of attention.
2:13 I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.
2:16 Wait, there's a place like that in Springfield?
2:18 Then why are we eating this crap?
2:21 Come on, everybody.
2:23 We're going to the slaughterhouse.
2:25 You didn't need to knock the food on the floor.
2:28 Didn't I?
2:38 Wow, it's even more wonderful than Lisa said.
2:43 Oh, whoa, a complimentary basket of hooves.
2:48 Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef fried beef.
2:52 Is there anything on the menu that isn't meat?
2:54 Ha!
2:54 Not likely.
2:55 Cool. Even this menu is made of meat. It's an entire chicken pounded flat.
3:00 How clever.
3:01 The kids' menu's on the beak.
3:04 I think I'll take... Ooh, that one.
3:09 No, he's a bit listless, isn't he?
3:11 Give me... Ooh, that spirited fellow.
3:16 He didn't put up much of a fight.
3:18 Why don't you pick one for me?
3:22 On second thought, I'll just have a glass of milk from that cow.
3:30 Wait a minute. Is this the biggest steak you've got?
3:32 72 ounces?
3:34 I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little girly, underpantsy,
3:39 pink doily tea party place. Well,
3:42 there is one steak that's only available by special request.
3:45 We call it Sirloin-a-Lot. It's the size of a boogie board.
3:49 Ooh, I'll have that one. And to drink, meatballs.
3:53 Very good, sir.
3:56 Ladies and gentlemen, this brave man has accepted the Sirloin-a-Lot challenge.
4:00 He will pit his stomach against 16 pounds of indomitable tenderloin.
4:06 They like me because I'm brave. Only two people have ever finished the whole thing.
4:14 If you want some friendly advice, pal, I wouldn't tackle the big one right away.
4:18 Oh, yeah? What do you know about it?
4:30 It's you!
4:32 You're him!
4:33 You're Tony Randall!
4:35 Red Barkley is my name. I'm a trucker,
4:37 and I've eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast.
4:41 Take my advice. This one's not for greenhorns.
4:44 Greenhorns?
4:45 Who's a greenhorn?
4:47 What's a greenhorn?
4:49 It's an insult. Sock him, Dad. Sock everybody.
4:52 Oh, you're just jealous because you don't have the belly for it anymore, Mr.
4:56 No Belly.
4:57 Mr.
4:58 Hasn't Got a Belly. Well, I have just finished a whole lamb,
5:02 but I reckon I could take you to school.
5:05 You're on, boy.
5:11 Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr. Hibbert?
5:14 You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 12% of this restaurant,
5:17 but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.
5:21 But what if he chokes?
5:23 Not to worry. We have the latest Heimlich machine.
5:34 On your left, the pride of the American trucking industry,
5:39 reliable Red Barkley.
5:44 And on your right, Homer somebody.
5:46 Yeah!
5:48 Glottons to your marks.
5:50 And Gorge.
5:54 Chew, chew, chew!
5:59 No, Homer, don't fill up on bread!
6:02 Huh?
6:02 Oh, right, the steak!
6:04 Um, um...
6:08 Come on, Dad, pick up the pace.
6:10 Chew and swallow, no savoring.
6:12 Must eat beef, must defeat guy I just met.
6:18 Um...
6:20 Um... Oh, tum tum.
6:23 So much steak, lungs filling, dinos is packed with meat.
6:28 Come on, Dad, just 12 more pounds.
6:33 Oh, humans are so ridiculous.
6:36 He's not even halfway through Walter, and he's already hallucinating.
6:42 Closy trunks.
6:43 I'll show them.
6:55 What's happening to me?
6:57 There's still food, but I don't want to eat it.
7:00 I've become everything I've ever hated.
7:10 Winner and still champion, reliable Red Barkley!
7:15 A heads off to you, Red. You're a true American hero.
7:19 And you did it with style and dignity and hey,
7:23 you're not breathing don't people usually breathe
7:29 This man is dead looks to me like beef poisoning probably from some other
7:34 restaurant
7:44 You'd better take one of these two he's eating quite a lot
7:49 There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.
7:52 He called me Greenhorn.
7:54 I called him Tony Randall.
7:56 It was a thing we had.
7:58 In 38 years, he never missed a shipment.
8:01 But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.
8:05 Oh, yes, he will.
8:07 And on time, too.
8:09 Oh, no, no.
8:11 I've got to, honey.
8:13 I owe it to old Red as both his friend and his killer.
8:16 Oh, let me go with you, Dad. Don't you have school?
8:19 Do you have work? Ah, touche.
8:21 Bye, Marge.
8:25 Aren't you gonna say bye?
8:26 Goodbye, Omar.
8:28 That didn't sound like you meant it. All right.
8:31 Goodbye, sweetheart. Have a nice trip.
8:33 That's more like it.
8:35 So long, suckers!
8:50 Got it.
8:52 Come on.
8:54 Ah, I'm getting the hang of this thing.
8:56 I don't know why I didn't become a trucker before.
8:59 Well, you're not really a trucker now.
9:00 Oh, yeah? My left arm says different.
9:03 Well, according to Red's schedule, we have to make it to Atlanta in three days.
9:07 Peace of cake.
9:08 Just need a little truck-driving music.
9:18 Yeah, the open road.
9:24 That little punk.
9:26 Teach him some manners.
9:30 No, Dad.
9:31 He wants you to blow your horn.
9:33 Oh.
9:37 That little punk.
9:41 Lisa, we got another postcard from your father.
9:44 Wish you were her.
9:45 How many of these is he going to send me?
9:48 Wow, Dad and Bart have been everywhere.
9:50 They've eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders, and hoagies.
9:54 It's not fair.
9:55 Your father always gets to have such exciting adventures.
9:59 Maybe it's time we took a walk on the wild side.
10:04 We're buying a new doorbell? A musical doorbell.
10:10 So many doorbells.
10:13 I'm in way over my head.
10:18 Mm-hmm.
10:24 Oh, great. Look at my shoes.
10:27 And today's my evaluation with Senor Ding Dong.
10:30 Excuse me, Mr... Trainee.
10:33 I'm trying to find a musical doorbell.
10:36 Well, you came to the right place.
10:38 We got your ding-dang-dongs and your do-re-mis and your...
10:42 A-cha-chas, huh? Ha, ha, ha.
10:44 Hey, bye.
10:46 I'm trying to find a particular tune.
10:49 It's the one that goes like... Da-da-da, da-da-da.
10:53 Mom, is this the one you want?
10:59 Yes, that's it.
11:01 Lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman.
11:03 Oh, that's just what I need, another piranha in the tank.
11:08 A little more high test, darling?
11:10 Sure thing, Gwen.
11:12 I'll be right back with your pie, hon.
11:15 Uh, that's a nice, friendly gal.
11:18 Yeah.
11:19 Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop,
11:22 watching all the people come and go? You could have a different best friend every day.
11:26 I suppose.
11:27 Right.
11:28 I'll write your mother and tell her the marriage is off,
11:30 and then when the paperwork is done, I'll make Gwen my wife.
11:34 Will that be all, sweetie?
11:35 For now.
11:37 The light's on. All systems are ding-dong.
11:40 Come on, Mom, let's take it for a test drive.
11:42 It's not a toy, Lisa.
11:44 We'll just have to wait until someone comes.
11:48 Anyone? Anyone at all?
11:50 Oh, Milhouse is selling seeds and he's coming this way.
11:53 Oh, the birds got him.
11:56 Not the bees!
11:58 If your father was here, they'd be process servers, repo men,
12:02 and bounty hunters to beat the band. Wait, people are coming.
12:05 I think they're Jehovah's Witnesses. Yes!
12:09 Wait, Marlin, you know, I just had a thought.
12:12 Maybe we're bothering people by trying to change the religion.
12:14 What if we don't have all the answers?
12:16 You're right, Noreen. Let's go get real jobs.
12:22 Hmm, I would have feigned interest.
12:29 Still no visitors.
12:31 It's time we opened up a can of whoop-tushy on this situation.
12:35 What's the number for Luigi's? Dad's got it on the speed dial under fire.
12:42 This is it, honey.
12:43 We did it.
12:45 Damn it!
12:46 Ring the bell! Why? You already know I'm here, don't you?
12:49 Just do it!
12:51 Nothing doing, Missy.
12:52 Now, do you want your half order of garlic bread or not?
12:55 No, but if you'll just ring the...
12:57 Oh, that's it. I'm putting an end to this.
12:59 Listen, no, no, don't. It won't be the...
13:02 Oh, it's heavenly.
13:05 Why do birds suddenly appear over there, over here?
13:12 Why is it playing over again?
13:14 Who cares?
13:15 No one could ever get sick of this song.
13:18 Suddenly appear.
13:22 Hey, get that truck out of here!
13:26 You mean, it ate Patrick too? It ate everybody.
13:31 What about Erica? It ate everybody, stupid!
13:38 I bet ol' Red caught himself a mess of catfish with these fishing sticks.
13:43 Uh-huh.
13:44 Bet he used bait, too.
13:45 Relax, boy. We're ahead of schedule.
13:47 Actually, we have to go 2,200 miles in ten hours.
13:50 Ten hours? We gotta roll!
13:57 Uh, yeah. I need something that'll keep me awake, alert, and reckless all night long.
14:01 Well, Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these.
14:07 Hey, you can't take that many pep pills at once.
14:10 No problem. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.
14:17 Okay, we're all set. Let's put the pedal to the metal.
14:23 I wholeheartedly agree.
14:24 Oh, man, I'm really wired. This is a big mistake.
14:26 I can... Oh, here comes the sleeping pill.
14:30 So drowsy.
14:33 Pep pills perking up again. I can drive home.
14:35 Nice.
15:07 Oh, I fell asleep at the wheel.
15:11 But we didn't crash.
15:13 It's a miracle.
15:16 You'll never believe what happened.
15:18 I fell asleep at the wheel and the truck drove here by itself.
15:22 Yeah, that Navitron auto drive system has made our jobs cushier than ever.
15:27 The what now? You know, this thing.
15:29 With this baby driving your truck for you,
15:31 all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow.
15:35 The trucks drive themselves? Hey, hey, hey, shh.
15:37 Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got going?
15:39 Well, I'm not really a trucker, so I don't talk to the rep that often.
15:43 All right, listen, pal, here's the deal.
15:45 You stumbled on a secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know.
15:50 Hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel.
15:53 We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs.
15:56 You think anybody would hire us if they knew we weren't really driving the trucks?
16:00 Wow, you guys are even lazier than me.
16:03 Well, don't worry.
16:04 I'll keep your secret.
16:06 See that you do.
16:10 Hey, Bart, let's me run down this old lady.
16:13 Dad, no!
16:20 The second I let go of the wheel, this little wonder kicks in.
16:24 And if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this!
16:29 Come on out, boy!
16:31 It's windy!
16:34 Wow, you're right, Dad. It is windy!
16:39 Hey, look. Nobody's driving.
16:42 What's that?
16:43 Relax, everybody.
16:45 The Navitron Auto Drive System is driving the truck for me.
16:49 But keep it a secret. It's a big scam, okay?
16:58 What the hell?
17:00 Breaker, breaker.
17:01 Looks like we got us a 1038.
17:06 Uh, 1038.
17:07 Uh, let's see.
17:09 Uh, outsider blabbing about auto drive system.
17:12 Well, we'll have to teach our friend some discretion.
17:15 Yeah, just like we did to Jimmy Hoffa.
17:18 Hey, shut up!
17:20 Calling all big rigs. Motor mouth on Highway 7.
17:23 You know what to do. 10-4. 10-4.
17:27 Mom, I need to get some sleep. I have a test tomorrow and birds suddenly appear.
17:32 I mean, English.
17:33 Okay, okay. Let me just get the wire cutters.
17:36 Oh, your father traded our tools for M&Ms again.
17:41 The heck with it.
17:57 Look, son.
17:59 It's one of nature's most beautiful sights.
18:01 The convoy.
18:06 He hit us. Oh, I should have known.
18:10 They're hazing us to initiate us into the trucker's fraternity.
18:14 Thank you, sir. May I have another?
18:17 Dad, they're trying to kill us.
18:19 Oh, why do all my trips end like this?
18:26 Eat water, good buddy.
18:30 Whoa, look at him roll.
18:34 Oh, my good knife. My wife's gonna kill me.
18:38 I think we lost him, Bert.
18:40 Dad, stop.
18:43 Uh-oh.
18:44 Well, well, well.
18:46 Looks like we got ourselves a showdown, boy.
18:50 All right. What are you doing?
18:53 I'm keeping a promise to an American Roadmaster.
18:56 Huh?
18:56 Red!
18:58 The trucker!
19:00 Big fat guy couldn't handle his steak? Oh, yeah.
19:03 We'll get past that barrier somehow.
19:06 Old Blinky here will find a way.
19:12 I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Red.
19:14 The risk is unacceptable.
19:16 I'm not Red, I'm Homer.
19:17 Gotta go.
19:21 Dad, do something.
19:24 Something better.
19:38 Now that man is a genuine steel-belted gear jamming rig jockey.
19:42 That's a fact. Boy, howdy. You said that again.
19:44 Yeah.
19:45 You know, boys, I've been thinking.
19:46 Maybe it's time we ditched the high-tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies
19:51 did.
19:51 Drunk? No, no, no.
19:54 Using our hands and our wits.
19:56 Eh, sure, it's hard work and it's lonely as hell, but it has meaning and dignity.
20:00 Huh? What do you say?
20:04 Nah, let's just find some other scam.
20:07 Hey, how about bootlegging beanie babies?
20:10 Sounds good to me. I like that.
20:16 Yep, you're gonna make it, Dad.
20:17 Somewhere up there, I bet Red is saying thanks.
20:21 Turn forward, dead buddy.
20:26 This is Red Barclay's shipment on time as always.
20:31 All right, let's see.
20:33 Artichokes and migrant workers. Looking good.
20:37 So where is old Red, anyway?
20:39 Well, last time I saw him, he was in a big plastic bag.
20:42 Ha!
20:43 Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right.
20:46 Well, son, I guess it's time to go home.
20:49 Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there?
20:52 No, but I'm sure the good Lord will provide.
20:56 Are you crazy?
20:58 I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield!
21:01 Thank you.
21:10 I'm really sorry, everybody, but I've tried everything.
21:14 I'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it.
21:17 No, no, no, no dice!
21:20 All right, Chimey, this time the bell tolls for thee.
21:24 Huh?
21:27 Ay, ay, ay, Señor Ding Dong!
21:29 I thought you were just a marketing gimmick.
21:32 There was a time when that was true, but now I am so much more.
21:40 Oh, my!
21:41 Gracias, Señor. Then nada.
21:44 If you ever need me, just ring.
21:53 Does anyone have any jumper cables?
21:58 Oh, you stinking Chevy.
22:20 Thank you.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Milhouse Van Houten, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Bernice Hibbert, Sarah Wiggum, Bumblebee Man, Raphael, Gil Gunderson, "Blow the Horn" Kid, Dr. Hibbert's Second Son, JJ Hibbert, Angry Mob, Tyler Gables, Elderly Clerk, Trucker 2, Tyler's Brother, Female trucker, Trucker 1, Choking Woman, Engineer, Female actress, Gwen, Loading dock worker, Male actor, Man in military uniform, Marlin, Nureen, Old woman, Red Barclay, Señor Ding-Dong, Steer slaughterer, Tony Randall, Tourist, Trucker 3, Trucker 4, Trucker 5, Trucker 6, Waiter

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character