Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 12. First aired January 31, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Wild Barts Can't Be Broken Homer to the Max → The whole episode as text

From “Sunday, Cruddy Sunday”: “Oh...” — Oh...

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About the episode

Homer meets travel agent Wally Kogen at a tire shop and earns a free Super Bowl trip by filling Wally's charter bus with Springfield men. Their tickets turn out to be fakes, and after Dolly Parton frees them from a stadium cell, they raid Rupert Murdoch's skybox and land in the winners' locker room. At home, Marge and Lisa wait for missing parts for a Vincent Price egg-decorating kit.

Written by: Tom Martin, George Meyer, Brian Scully and Mike Scully
Directed by: Steven Dean Moore
Guest stars: Rupert Murdoch; Dan Marino; Dolly Parton; John Madden; Pat Summerall; Rosey Grier; Troy Aikman; Fred Willard as Wally Kogen
Chalkboard gag: I WILL NOT DO THE DIRTY BIRD
Couch gag: Titanic
Production code: AABF08

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

384 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

0:03 The Simpsons
0:39 Let's go.
1:00 Eep, eep.
1:25 Hey, hey!
1:27 Settle down, children. Now, who's ever wondered how the post office works?
1:33 No one? I did, until we came here last year.
1:36 Oh, yes, last year.
1:39 Anyway, look, here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill.
1:44 Howdy, partners.
1:46 Welcome to your post office.
1:48 Wow, it's ours?
1:52 Bars!
1:53 Be with you in a minute. This is the lobby,
1:56 where customers come for all their postalistic needs.
2:00 Legends of comedy, my tuchus. What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?
2:05 This machine reads zip codes.
2:08 These five digits tell us where to direct your mail.
2:11 But it's nine digits now. What's the point of these other four numbers?
2:14 Those are citizen relocation codes.
2:17 With any luck, we'll never need them.
2:21 She's on to us.
2:22 Should I flood the chamber? Not yet.
2:23 Let's get some lunch.
2:25 Well, children, any questions for Postmaster Bill?
2:28 You ever gone on a killing spree?
2:31 Oh, no, no.
2:34 The day of the gun-toting disgruntled postman shooting up the place went out with the
2:38 Macarena.
2:39 Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.
2:43 And this is where our employees gather to unwind after a hard day of serving the
2:48 public.
2:50 Bingo! Birthday card! Graduation! Ding, ding, ding, wedding!
2:54 Yay!
2:58 Eee.
2:59 I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office.
3:01 Well, as a souvenir of your visit,
3:04 you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail.
3:09 I'll take you!
3:16 I got some dog food! I got my letter to Santa.
3:20 A coupon book?
3:22 What am I gonna do with this piece of junk?
3:24 Happy birthday, Dad.
3:25 Wow!
3:26 A value-quality coupon book! Let's see.
3:30 10% off carpet cleaning.
3:32 Ten!
3:32 Two pizzas for the price of one at Doeys!
3:36 Doeys has terrible pizza.
3:39 Yeah, but there's two!
3:41 Ooh, free foot pain analysis.
3:44 Oh, Marge, that's just a trick to get you in there so they can cure your foot pain.
3:48 I guess.
3:51 See ya, kids.
3:52 Me and my value-quality book are gonna paint the town red with savings.
3:57 I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson,
4:01 and I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
4:05 Um, Dad?
4:06 Do you like pina colonics?
4:09 And getting caught in the rain, passing out in the ocean.
4:16 Now, this wheel balancing is free, right?
4:20 Oh, you betcha, absolutely.
4:23 Uh-oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
4:25 These tires won't take a balance.
4:28 They won't? Nah, nah, no. You hear that, clunk?
4:31 No.
4:32 That tells me you need four new tires.
4:34 Really?
4:35 Yeah.
4:36 Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here on these.
4:38 Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time?
4:41 Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out, I'd...
4:44 All right, what's going on over here?
4:46 Were you gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires?
4:49 No, boss, I swear. Ah, that's it! You're fired!
4:52 No, wait! This is all my fault! Oh,
4:55 if I could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires.
5:11 Oh...
5:13 Ooh, I know that look.
5:15 You came in for the free wheel balance, and now it's costing you 500 simoleons.
5:19 Six with a tip. Hey, you got off easy. I just came in to use the phone,
5:23 and they got me for the whole Road King package.
5:26 Alignment, shocks, armor-alls, stem lube.
5:29 Ha, ha, ha, stem lube. Even I didn't fall for that.
5:33 Although winter is coming.
5:35 Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers.
5:37 Ha, ha, ha, ha.
5:39 Wally Kogan. Hey, I know you.
5:42 We were in the same pyramid scheme.
5:44 Oh, don't remind me. Friends helping friends my ass.
5:48 Say, you want to grab a beer while we're waiting?
5:51 Yeah.
5:52 I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us.
5:58 The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless.
6:01 I mean, what do you think about it?
6:04 Football's so great.
6:06 But now, the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys.
6:19 Bye weeks. Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks.
6:22 And now he's dead.
6:24 Well, maybe they were a good thing. Yeah, how about that Super Bowl?
6:28 You going this year? Me?
6:29 Nah.
6:31 Unless there's a coupon for it.
6:33 Nah.
6:34 Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.
6:37 We've got a charter bus going down to the game.
6:39 You help us fill it, you can ride for free.
6:41 Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl?
6:46 Dang, that was my last quarterback.
6:48 Now what am I gonna do?
6:50 You.
6:51 Me? Yeah, you.
6:53 Get your hand off my wife's leg.
6:55 Sorry.
6:58 It's a deal.
6:59 Hey, Mo, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl?
7:02 Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it.
7:05 The Atlanta Falcons.
7:07 Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.
7:12 Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos.
7:16 Yeah,
7:17 I hear that President Clinton is going to be watching with his wife, Hillary.
7:25 Come on, Lenny, I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bust.
7:28 What do you say?
7:30 Come on.
7:34 Oh, come on.
7:37 Yes!
7:38 Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.
7:42 I'm so happy you're going to the big game.
7:44 My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet.
7:49 Yeah, yeah. Do we have any pencils that work?
7:51 Wow, you've signed up quite a few people, Dad.
7:54 Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, comic book guy, the Squeaky Boys team.
7:58 Yeah, it's a good group.
8:02 I gotta hand it to you, Homer. It's really a good group.
8:05 Yeah, not a dame insight.
8:07 Oh, thank God.
8:09 Now we can stop holding it in.
8:16 All aboard for Miami.
8:18 I don't know if I can last that long.
8:23 Super Bowl, please, and step on it.
8:29 Hey, wait up.
8:30 Ah, crap, it's that pipsqueak Rudy.
8:34 What is it, Rudy?
8:36 Can I come too?
8:37 Forget it, kid.
8:38 You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.
8:40 But what I like in size, I make up for in...
8:43 O-notchousness!
8:45 Don't!
8:53 Hey, boys, it's a wild weekend.
8:56 We did a thing and we'll do it again.
9:00 Well, sports fans, I see you've located the beer supply,
9:04 so let's all enjoy it in moderation.
9:07 Damn!
9:08 Hey, don't make me come back.
9:11 Seriously, now, if you have any questions, just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson.
9:18 Or me.
9:20 Better ask me.
9:25 It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
9:28 Yeah, I'm bored too.
9:31 Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patti always gives us?
9:38 Ooh!
9:39 How about paint by numbers?
9:41 It's so rigid and uncreative. Okay.
9:44 Oh, leather craft. Oh, those poor helpless cows.
9:49 Mm-hmm.
9:49 What about clay? You got any problem with clay?
9:52 Hey, what's this?
9:55 Vincent Price's egg magic.
9:57 Wow, what are we waiting for?
10:00 Keep away Lovejoy's collar!
10:06 Now look what you've done.
10:08 All right, all right. You guys have had way too much booze.
10:12 Last call.
10:16 Anyone want to fight with a beer?
10:17 Come on, give me an excuse.
10:22 Pro Player Stadium, Super Bowl.
10:31 All right!
10:34 Heh heh.
10:35 I'm sorry. The guy's made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
10:38 What bathroom?
10:40 Uh, okay, fellas. Enjoy the pregame fun.
10:43 I don't want to be a panicky Pete, but it's Sunday, and I haven't been to church yet.
10:47 No problem. The NFL's got you covered.
10:50 and that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home.
10:55 Lord, hear our prayer.
10:57 Can I get an amen to that? Amen.
11:01 Cool, the NFL's the oldest surviving player.
11:03 I'm 53 years young.
11:08 Woo!
11:09 Hey, Troy Aikman.
11:11 So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of...
11:16 Sure you do.
11:17 Everyone likes dune buggies.
11:23 Great spiral, Daniel.
11:26 Man, that hurts.
11:28 Excuse me, coming through. Friends of Dan Marino.
11:30 Okay, Dan, fire away.
11:33 I'm Dan's manager.
11:34 This is Dan.
11:36 Go long, son.
11:37 Yes, sir.
11:43 I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino.
11:46 This is the greatest moment of my... Woo-hoo!
11:48 Harvey Simpson with a pick. Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron.
11:54 Uh-oh.
11:55 Lateral debar...
11:58 My spine.
12:03 Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional.
12:09 Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on.
12:12 Right.
12:14 Hmm.
12:15 Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any.
12:18 But it clearly says feet included. They have to be here.
12:22 No, nothing.
12:24 I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product.
12:28 Now what do we do? Let's call the company.
12:31 Mom, this was made in 1967. They're probably out of business.
12:35 Well, we'll just see.
12:36 Murray Hill, 5-9232.
12:41 Hello, this is Vincent Price.
12:44 It's Vincent Price. I thought he was dead.
12:46 You should know the grave could never tame me.
12:52 Mr. Price, I loved you and the Abominable Doc.
12:56 If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address,
12:59 and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson Jody.
13:03 And now I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt.
13:07 But I'll be back.
13:10 So is he alive or not?
13:14 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield, Ohio, Maude.
13:18 Come on in.
13:22 Who needs tickets? Tickets, right here.
13:24 How about you, Slick?
13:26 Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl. Have you no shame, sir?
13:30 I should give you a royal caning.
13:32 Hey,
13:36 I'm just trying to make an honest buck. Aw, get lost, you blood-sucking parasite.
13:41 Wally and I have all the tickets we need.
13:43 Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit.
13:47 What?
13:48 Counterfeit?
13:49 Yeah, see, the hologram's missing. And there's no such team as the Spungos.
13:53 And finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker.
13:57 Stop eating our tickets!
13:59 Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets?
14:03 Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen.
14:05 Yes, if by crestfallen you mean kill us.
14:08 Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over.
14:12 My friends... They don't have the tickets!
14:15 Kill them!
14:15 You're crazy, my friends!
14:17 Ow! All right, I'll get you into the game!
14:21 Excuse me, uh, Mr.
14:23 Scalper, sir.
14:24 Have I told you that I love you? Forget it.
14:27 You'll just hurt me like all the others.
14:30 Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat.
14:32 Reverend Lovejoy was working the body. Wait, Dad, look!
14:37 Hello, gentlemen.
14:40 I have an idea.
14:43 Run!
14:47 Get back here! We can still make the kickoff!
14:51 Here comes the kick!
14:58 As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough. But as a football fan...
15:39 The Catholic Church.
15:40 We've made a few changes.
15:44 These Super Bowl commercials are weird.
15:47 Just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami.
15:49 I'll tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my telestrator.
15:53 And now the fans are screaming for more.
15:56 Let us out of here!
15:58 Relax, Simpson, relax.
15:59 A little known fact about jail cells is they always have one phony bar for,
16:04 like, emergencies.
16:06 Real, real, real, real, real. So,
16:10 by the process of elimination, this one is the fake.
16:15 Ah, ah, that's painful.
16:18 Ah, nuts. That sounds like a touchdown.
16:22 No, no, no, I know my roars. And that was most definitely a safety.
16:29 Gosh, fellas,
16:30 to see all stuck in here when even guys in China can watch all the action from their town
16:35 squares or what have you, well, I just feel pretty doggone bad.
16:40 If they were electing a president of Dumville, I'd have to nominate me.
16:44 You got my vote. Oh, we're never gonna get out of...
16:48 Cleaning lady, would you let us out of here?
16:51 Me?
16:52 I'm Dolly Parton. I didn't ask for your life story, just give me the key.
16:55 Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say please.
16:59 And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump.
17:03 Dolly, wait!
17:04 Wally?
17:05 You know Dolly Parton? Yeah,
17:07 I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and Euro Dollywood.
17:11 That's in Alabama.
17:12 Wally Cogan, what are you doing in Super Bowl jail?
17:16 Ask her if she'll go out with me.
17:18 We had a little ticket snafu.
17:20 Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals out of the pokey?
17:23 Well, I do have some of my extra strength makeup remover.
17:27 Uh, shield your eyes.
17:35 Thanks, Miss Parton. Oh, way to go, Dolly.
17:38 Will you go out with me? Ooh, look at the time.
17:41 I better scoot to that halftime show. See ya.
17:45 Oh, man, that's gonna be some show.
17:48 Who's ready for some football?
17:52 Football!
18:01 Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour.
18:04 Where the hell's the gang? Yeah, where is it?
18:07 You guys are following me? I was following Flanders.
18:12 Hey, look what I found.
18:21 Hey, hey, hey!
18:24 Hey, somebody just scored. Wait a minute.
18:26 Yeah, yeah, yeah, be right there.
18:30 Hey, it's the beer compter!
18:38 What the bloody hell? Hit the road, Gramps.
18:41 This is a private skybox.
18:43 I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tarant, and this is my skybox.
18:47 If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it. I'm sorry.
18:50 I saw you.
18:56 Uh-oh.
18:58 Well, I'm convinced. Tell you what, Mr. Murdock, let's just split the difference.
19:03 The boys and I'll just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snap.
19:07 Silence!
19:09 Seize them! Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
19:14 Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
19:18 It's a game! We're so close!
19:20 Follow me, boys!
19:22 We're finally going to the suit!
19:24 Oh!
19:25 We did it! We're not more enough to a wrench!
19:28 How does it feel? Was it a team effort? Did you ever stop bleeding?
19:30 Does this suit make me look fat?
19:33 Players and VIPs only.
19:36 Woo-hoo!
19:39 I can't believe it. We're actually in the winning locker room.
19:43 Whoa!
19:43 I'm going to Disneyland!
19:45 Really? Because I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things.
19:56 Hello?
19:57 Hello, this is President Clinton.
19:59 Hey, how you doing? You know,
20:01 your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration.
20:05 The whole country is proud of you. Well, it's about time.
20:09 And on behalf of America, I'd like to...
20:11 Ow!
20:12 Oh!
20:13 All right, Lovejoy.
20:14 You're gonna get it. Hello?
20:16 Hello?
20:17 I command you to answer me. Hello?
20:20 Al, do you have to do that right now?
20:25 What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl?
20:28 I'll probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today.
20:32 Dad, that doesn't belong to you. But this might be my last chance to win one.
20:36 Well, we sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer.
20:39 Ever thought about being a travel agent?
20:41 Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.
20:43 Because you can really go places in the travel business.
20:48 Feel free to use that one. What one?
20:53 Well, John, what did you think of tonight's episode?
20:56 I loved it.
20:57 The last-minute addition of Wally Kogan to the lineup was a bit of a gamble,
21:01 but it really paid off.
21:02 Marge and Lisa painting eggs?
21:04 Did that work for you? Oh, big time.
21:07 They came off the bench with a huge effort that allowed Homer and Bart to make some
21:11 significant gains.
21:12 Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any
21:17 football or singing?
21:19 I hadn't thought about it, Pat, but in retrospect, it was kind of a ripoff.
21:22 What a way to treat the loyal fans who've put up with so much nonsense from this
21:27 franchise.
21:28 Any final thoughts?
21:29 Nah, I'm too mad. Let's get the heck out of here.
21:33 Call aboard, boys. I've been waiting for you.
21:37 Now, I'll tell you, that doesn't make a lick of sense.
21:39 I know.
21:40 Just get on the bus.
21:42 Where's that infernal clutch?
21:45 Wait, wait, I'll get it.
21:47 Give it some gas, Grandpa.
21:49 Oh, quiet, Jody. You're not helping.
22:06 Thank you.
22:38 Silence.

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Barney Gumble, Principal Skinner, Chief Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Ned Flanders, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Mrs. Krabappel, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Dr. Hibbert, Waylon Smithers, Mr. Burns, Nelson Muntz, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Lou, Santa's Little Helper, Lewis Clark, Wendell Borton, Richard, Eddie, Miss Hoover, Snowball II, Jimbo Jones, Todd Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Kirk Van Houten, Hans Moleman, Nina Skalka, Helen Lovejoy, Luann Van Houten, Adrian Belew, Dolph Starbeam, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Buck-toothed boy, Girl with glasses, Dewey Largo, Jaffee Ziswhisky, Dr. Nick, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Buck-toothed girl, Chuck Berger, Old Jewish Man, Bumblebee Man, Charlie, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Sherri and Terri, Mr. Teeny, Bill Clinton, Rupert Murdoch, Al Gore, Bus Driver, Dan Marino, Dan Marino's Manager, Dolly Parton, John Madden, Mechanic, Mechanic's boss, Oldest Surviving NFL Player, Pat Summerall, Post Office Guard 1, Post Office Guard 2, Postal Worker 1, Postal Worker 2, Postal Worker 3, Postmaster Bill, Rosey Grier, Rudy, Ticket Checker, Ticket Seller, Troy Aikman, Vincent Price, Wally Kogen

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character