Viva Ned Flanders

The Simpsons, season 10, episode 10. First aired January 10, 1999. Every line said in it, with its time: open one for its frame, to caption it or make a GIF.

← Mayored to the Mob Wild Barts Can't Be Broken → The whole episode as text

From “Viva Ned Flanders”: “But it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 55.” — But it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 55.

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About the episode

After Homer exposes Ned Flanders for claiming a seniors' discount at the car wash, Ned admits he is 60 and realizes he has never let himself enjoy life. He asks Homer to teach him how to loosen up, and Homer drives him to Las Vegas for a wild night. The two wake up married to a pair of cocktail waitresses, Amber and Ginger, and try to flee the city.

Written by: David M. Stern
Directed by: Neil Affleck
Guest stars: Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel
Chalkboard gag: My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
Couch gag: Smeared
Production code: AABF06

The synopsis is our own. Credits and guest stars from Wikipedia and the Simpsons wiki.

Every line

384 lines, from the episode's subtitles. Its moments aren't described yet.

1:24 This is Kent Brockman live at the Monty Burns Casino.
1:28 Moments from now,
1:29 the house that Social Security checks built will be demolished to make way for a casino
1:34 -themed family hotel.
1:36 This must be heartbreaking for you, sir.
1:38 I'm just thinking of my employees.
1:40 Oh, the card trips, bottom dealers, and shills.
1:44 Where will they go?
1:46 They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir.
1:48 Excellent.
1:49 Gone are such headliners as Little Timmy and the Shebangs, The Shebangs,
1:54 and The New Shebangs, featuring Big Timmy.
1:56 Remember how excited we were when this place opened?
1:59 Then a week later, we just forgot about it.
2:02 I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved to town.
2:04 Oh, I can explain that. You see... Five, four, three, two...
2:10 All right, here comes the implosion.
2:13 Implosion?
2:14 But I thought you said...
2:20 Don Rickles singed you, Mark.
2:25 Dust!
2:28 Eat my dust, son!
2:32 Dad, we hit Don Rickles!
2:36 I'm okay, but the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps.
2:39 Just kidding, I'm a nice guy.
2:47 We better stop and get the car washed.
2:49 Eh, what's the rush? Might rain next week.
2:51 Hey, Homer.
2:53 The car's kinda dirty.
2:55 Really?
2:55 Think I should get it washed? Yeah, maybe.
3:01 You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.
3:04 Hey, that's great.
3:07 All right, young'uns. Bath time.
3:09 Cover up your eyes and drop your britches.
3:12 Who wants wax?
3:15 I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper
3:19 stickers, particularly this one, which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike.
3:24 No hablo ingles, senor.
3:36 Wow, you can't find this stuff anywhere.
3:38 Seals and crafts, Pablo Cruz, air supply...
3:41 Whoa!
3:43 Loggins and oats!
3:45 And it's free! I've never heard of these bands, Mom.
3:48 What kind of music do they play? Crab rock?
3:50 No.
3:52 Whist rock? That's it.
3:55 Ten dollars?
3:56 What is this? A car wash for millionaires?
3:59 Throw hot wax on him, Dad.
4:00 Howdy, Homer.
4:02 Five dollars, please.
4:04 Hey, how did Churchill Le Femme get half price?
4:07 Senior citizen's discount.
4:09 Senior citizen?
4:11 Flanders?
4:12 Well, we'll see about that.
4:17 And once again, tithing is 10% off the top.
4:21 That's gross income, not net. Please, people, don't force us to audit.
4:27 Now, we're going to pass this around a second time.
4:31 Brother Ned, if you'll do the honors.
4:33 I wouldn't do that, Reverend.
4:35 You see, St.
4:36 Flanders is as crooked as you or me.
4:42 That's right.
4:43 It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash.
4:48 How, you ask? With a phony senior discount card.
4:52 Well, that's not quite true.
4:55 Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash?
4:59 Well, I did, but... Now, I'm not a fancy big city lawyer.
5:03 But it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 55.
5:08 Isn't that so? Well, yes.
5:10 And you are how old?
5:12 I suppose if you must know, I'm... well, I'm 60.
5:17 God, he looks so good. Gosh, he looks so young.
5:20 What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta?
5:23 Monkey sweat? Some kind of electric hat?
5:25 Holy water? It's holy water, right?
5:27 Ah, it burns!
5:29 Listen, folks, there's no magic formula.
5:32 I just follow the three C's. Clean living, chewing thoroughly,
5:36 and a daily dose of vitamin church.
5:39 And of course, I resist all the major urges.
5:42 All of them?
5:43 You mean you've never splurged and, say,
5:46 eaten an entire birthday cake and blamed it on the dog?
5:49 You've never licked maple syrup off your lover's stomach?
5:53 You've never snuck out of church to break into cars?
5:56 No, no, and double no! I haven't done any of those things, folks.
6:01 You name it, I haven't done it. Geez, Flanders,
6:04 you're 60 years old and you haven't lived a day in your life.
6:07 Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards.
6:11 I remember that.
6:15 Can you believe it?
6:16 It almost seemed like those folks were making fun of old Steadyn Eddy.
6:20 Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that?
6:23 Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth.
6:26 Mm-hmm.
6:27 And some people just steer clear that whole hornet's nest.
6:30 I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much.
6:33 Maybe with a glass of water on the side for dipping.
6:38 Gosh darn it!
6:39 Am I that pre-diddle-ictable?
6:43 I wasted my whole thing diddly life.
6:47 Hey, Ned!
6:49 Look at that.
6:50 Everyone's living it up except Ned.
6:54 Help!
6:55 We're being carjacked! Just get clever, old man.
6:59 Now take us to Dress Barn.
7:06 Where have you been, Nettie?
7:07 In the bathroom.
7:09 Not trimming my mustache.
7:11 What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby?
7:15 No, you remind me of silly Billy Ned Flanders.
7:19 Would a silly Billy sit like this?
7:22 Oh!
7:23 Rod, call Dr. Stein.
7:25 All right, Bart.
7:27 Fire in the hole!
7:31 Okay, no more gasoline.
7:37 Full power!
7:40 Never a dull moment, huh, Homer?
7:42 You got that right. Throw on the mesquite, Bart.
7:45 Mesquite it is!
7:49 You know, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the old membrane, Homer,
7:53 but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
7:56 Well, well, well. So flawless Flanders needs help from stinky pants Simpson.
8:02 Yeah, I guess I do.
8:04 Welly, welly, welly. Mr. Clean wants to hang with dirty dingus McGee.
8:09 How about it, Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
8:14 Wellety, wellety, wellety. Stop that!
8:17 Will you help me or not?
8:19 Let's do it.
8:22 So what about all this meat?
8:24 Ah, the missus will clean that up. Now it's Marge's time to shine.
8:29 First of all, I get $5 a day plus expenses.
8:32 Seems fair. And I'll need your signature here, here,
8:37 and initial here.
8:41 You're not really giving my father power of attorney, are you?
8:44 Of course I... Oh, my stars. I can't do that.
8:48 Well, that's unfortunate. It really is.
8:51 All right.
8:53 Congratulations!
8:55 Welcome to the Homer Simpson program.
8:57 So, what happens next?
8:59 One day soon I will come for you. And then the game will begin.
9:03 Could be in the middle of the night. It could be when you least expect it.
9:08 Or whatever's good for you. I don't care.
9:11 Okay, Homer. I'm ready to learn. What's the first lesson?
9:14 Just give me the topic sentence.
9:16 Give me that. That's your problem.
9:19 You're living up here. You gotta live down here, in the impulse zone.
9:25 If you wanna be like me, you gotta make snap decisions like this!
9:30 We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino!
9:36 Homer, they blew that up yesterday.
9:38 Oh, yeah, right.
9:40 Then we're going to Las Vegas!
9:43 Which is actually back in that direction.
9:50 Nobody's gonna take my net, gonna teach him to have fun.
9:55 Ooh, he's a Flanders machine.
9:59 That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.
10:01 Uh, too many kids.
10:04 Ooh, it's going on 8.30.
10:06 I better call Maude and tell her where I am.
10:09 Relax, I called her from the gas station.
10:13 Thanks, buddy.
10:44 It all looks so garish.
10:50 Oh, the lights, the noise, the letter X, it's all designed to inflame the senses.
10:56 I'm overstimulated. I gotta get out of this town.
10:59 I don't think so.
11:01 I think you'll find escape is quite impossible.
11:05 No, I got it.
11:06 Oh, oh, would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial?
11:14 Help me! My daughter's not talented!
11:18 Hey!
11:24 Lance Murdock!
11:28 If he's not careful, he Scooter could roll right down that ramp.
11:31 He's a daredevil, Ned. He laughs at death.
11:35 When I want to laugh, I'll take Bob Saget.
11:37 Thank you very much. And now,
11:39 the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his suicide over an audience member.
11:45 And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head.
11:51 Any volunteers?
11:54 Pick him! Pick him!
11:55 Homer, no! I want to do something exciting,
11:58 but I can't just go from zero to thirty like that.
12:01 I could be killed. Fine. I'll do it. Where do you want me?
12:05 On the X.
12:09 You mean the one with the red paint?
12:11 Uh, yeah, paint.
12:13 Now, it's of critical importance that you don't...
12:16 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. This isn't rocket science.
12:19 Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the...
12:23 Boring!
12:31 Okay,
12:32 he's cleared the ring of fire past the ring of ice Over the dog dew
12:38 stick, he's cracked the safe. Hey, Blanders, don't spill my beer.
12:43 Oh, God, lay down, lay down.
12:51 She's all right, folks.
12:55 Okay, let's hit the tables.
12:57 My God, Homer, watching you risk your life turned my beatbox all the way up to rumba.
13:03 I was praying you'd be safe, But to be honest,
13:07 part of me wanted to see you get splattered.
13:09 Oh, I think someone just had his first taste of bloodlust.
13:13 Hmm.
13:16 Let's see. What's Marge's birthday? Barney's is July 15th, same as last year's.
13:20 So Marge must be 50... Oh, forget it.
13:23 Flanders, what's your birthday? Oh, leave me out of these Homer games.
13:26 The chances are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
13:29 Seven, eh?
13:34 Seven a winner.
13:35 Way to go, Flanders.
13:37 The Bible's finally pulling its weight.
13:39 Got any more holy numbers? Oh, I got a bunch, Homer, but I just don't feel right.
13:45 Oh, Lord, what should I do? Keep gaming.
13:50 What?
13:51 It means gambling.
13:53 Keep gambling.
13:55 Oh, righty-o.
13:56 One betting disc, please.
14:00 Watch and learn.
14:04 And 14 black.
14:06 Well, there you go.
14:07 Now, how about a drink?
14:09 Yike.
14:11 How do you do it, Homer?
14:13 How do you silence that little voice that says, think?
14:17 You mean Lisa?
14:18 Oh, no.
14:19 I mean common sense.
14:20 Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol.
14:24 You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
14:26 You threw it out the... Never mind. Just pay attention.
14:28 Slave girl!
14:30 Oh, slave girl!
14:32 More libations, my imperial conquerors. What?
14:35 More booze. Oh, yeah.
14:38 Two more of these, please.
14:40 And for you, Ned? I'll have a surely... Oh, a virgin...
14:44 No, make it a children's...
14:46 Oh, what the heck! You only live once.
14:49 Give me a... White wine spritzer! Spritzer!
14:53 Spritzer!
14:57 Oh,
14:57 my
15:08 goodness, Homer.
15:10 Wake up.
15:14 Look at this place.
15:16 We must have really painted the town last night.
15:19 I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing.
15:23 Welcome to my world. Oh, I did it!
15:27 I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot of lost living.
15:31 And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson program.
15:34 The what now? Well, it's about time you two woke up.
15:38 Well, of course they... Ah! Who are you?
15:40 Who am I?
15:42 I'm Mrs.
15:43 Ned Flanders.
15:45 Gah!
15:47 Hey, smooth move, Flanders. And I'm Mrs.
15:51 Homer Simpson.
15:54 Here comes that vomit again.
16:01 Okay.
16:10 Okay. Okay. Okay. You're saying that Ned and me married you two.
16:13 Oh, yeah. We're hitched, all right. Till death do us part.
16:17 Mm-hmm. I'm working on that. Ned, no!
16:19 Think of your wives!
16:22 Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam.
16:24 Or possibly scamola.
16:26 We would remember if we got married.
16:28 Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo.
16:32 Take a look at this. Oh, precious memory.
16:38 I oakly...
16:40 Doakly...
16:41 Shmoakly-doo.
16:42 And to you, Homer,
16:43 take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife.
16:47 What did you call me?
16:49 Ugh. Do you want to get married?
16:51 Married!
16:52 Sure!
16:53 Suck it to me, baby!
16:56 By the power vested in me by the Chicago outfit, I now pronounce you husbands and wives.
17:04 We are so dead.
17:07 Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing,
17:10 so breakfast is on us with full waffle bar privileges.
17:13 But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news.
17:17 The waffle bar is closed.
17:19 I'm sorry. I'm so very... Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives.
17:24 Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us.
17:28 You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had.
17:31 And we're not giving you up without a fight.
17:33 But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
17:37 Ginger's my wife.
17:38 Are you sure?
17:40 Oh, rats.
17:41 No offense, sweetie.
17:43 Homer, why don't we go make the girls a little bit of a mess?
17:46 Some custom omelets.
17:49 Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast.
17:56 What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized.
18:00 And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude!
18:02 I don't know, Flanders. Having two wives could have its advantages.
18:09 Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig.
18:13 Chop, chop, dig, dig. You know, homie,
18:16 there's so much more two wives could do for you.
18:21 I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.
18:26 Ooh, a friendly bee.
18:30 Ow!
18:31 That sting hurts so much. We gotta get out of this, Ned.
18:35 Well, do something. This is all your fault.
18:37 You and your stupid program.
18:39 Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program.
18:42 The program is rock solid. The program is sound.
18:45 Yoo-hoo!
18:46 Those awful women want their omelets!
18:51 How are we gonna get out of this mess in an honorable and decent...
18:55 Oh, nuts!
18:57 I don't know.
18:58 Omelets have a lot of fat in them.
19:00 Forget it, you're married!
19:02 Let yourself go!
19:03 Hey, they're running away!
19:07 Bright life city gonna set my soul Gonna set my soul on fire
19:12 Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
19:19 There's a ton of pretty women waiting out there They're all living
19:25 in devil-made care And I'm just a devil with no spare People
19:31 are safe
19:34 People are safe
19:37 How come back? I run so fast
19:43 Mwah! Come on, baby. Show Gil a four.
19:46 Crap. Oh, no. Why did I bet the company payroll?
19:50 Oh, Gil's in a lot of trouble.
19:55 Somebody help!
19:57 Our husbands are trying to ditch us.
20:00 Someone dishonoring their marriage vows?
20:02 Not in Las Vegas.
20:04 Attention all employees.
20:05 We've got two runaways.
20:06 Stop them.
20:08 He's done! Oh, no.
20:13 A lion!
20:16 Greterich Tatum! Your behaviour is unconscionable.
20:21 The moody blues!
20:22 Cold-hearted Homer ditching his wife while ancient Ned runs for his life.
20:28 Chips of red and blue and white, but we decide...
20:32 Can the poems? It's arse-whooping time.
20:35 I want fatty.
20:38 Let's get him. Let's get him.
20:43 Let's get him.
20:47 What if we switched wives? Would that help?
20:49 For the last time? No!
20:51 Hello!
20:52 A ticket to freedom!
20:56 So long, Suck!
21:03 Get out and stay out! Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners.
21:08 Take your money and go someplace else.
21:10 Artie Disrespecto.
21:12 And don't you ever try to marry us again.
21:15 We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.
21:18 Uh...
21:20 But Amber, I can change! We... you shut up!
21:24 All right, let's get our story straight for Marge and Maude.
21:27 We were out buying them fabulous gifts. What's the occasion?
21:30 Because we loved them, jackass.
21:32 Anywho, we came out of Walmart when suddenly 100 spaceships.
21:36 Homer?
21:37 You're right, you're right. 50 spaceships beamed us aboard.
21:40 They gang-probed you while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved
21:44 America. Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
21:47 Would you rather tell Maud the truth?
21:50 What did the aliens look like? Well,
21:52 I only saw them from the back because they were so busy gang-probing you.
21:55 Well, hello, little birdies.
21:58 My eyes! Homer, cover your eyes!
22:02 If I wind up Brokawil,
22:05 I'll always remember that I had a swing in time.
22:10 I'm gonna give it everything I've got.
22:14 Lady, look, please let the dice stay hot.
22:17 Let me shoot a seven with every shot sign.
22:20 Viva Las Vegas.
22:27 Viva Las Vegas. Viva,
22:32 viva Las Vegas

Who's in it

Bart Simpson, Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson, Maggie Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Milhouse Van Houten, Grampa Simpson, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Barney Gumble, Chief Wiggum, Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Otto Mann, Jasper Beardsley, Martin Prince, Reverend Lovejoy, Groundskeeper Willie, Miss Hoover, Todd Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Sideshow Mel, Hans Moleman, Luann Van Houten, Bernice Hibbert, Agnes Skinner, Horatio McCallister, Comic Book Guy, Snake, Ruth Powers, Gareth Prince, Dewey Largo, Superintendent Chalmers, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Sarah Wiggum, Gloria Prince, Cletus Spuckler, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, Gil Gunderson, Drederick Tatum, Lance Murdock, David Crosby, Cassidy Spuckler, Dylan Spuckler, Ernst, Gunter, Heather Spuckler, Lucius Sweet, Roscoe, Addem-up Spuckler, Anastasia, Joan Rivers, The Lisa Impostor, Tiffany Spuckler, Amber Simpson, Ginger Flanders, Moody Blues, Nero's Palace minister, Nero's Palace owner

Everyone who appears in it, from the Simpsons wiki. Every character